Tuesday, December 30, 2008

mY jOB

Well... i was just notified today... that in a few months my position is going to be eliminated... lucky me. In a way I knew it was coming... but i guess i kinda was hoping it wouldnt. They did offer me another position... but I am not sure if I really want to do it or not... but I am not sure I am going to have much of a choice becasue I need the money. I dont have anyone to help me with my bills... and if i am not working... then theres nothing... the job is for something I dread having to do... but then again.. it is part of my New Years resolution to do it... so i guess I am gonna have to make a choice... and figure out what I am gonna do...

This sucks...

A simple thank you

OK... I am a very helpful person... and all I ask in return is a simple thank you.. thanks... something...
Why is that so hard for people to say... even if its part of my job... if its something that is expected of me... why can't people still say thank you...
My ex. used to think it was stupid to tell me thank you. And it irritated me to no end.. I would like to know once in a while that I am appreciated...
I would cook dinner... not a thank you... I would do laundry... not a thank you... I would clean the house... not a thank you... And heaven forbid I tell him Thank you for something that he did that "is expected" well that was just the start of an argument... he would tell me that Im stupid. I don't need to patronize him by saying thank you... I wasnt trying to.. I just wanted him to know that I appreciated all that he does. Why is it so hard to accept and to say for some people!!!!
I know with work and everything its a little different.. its your job but still... why can't someone tell you thank you for something that you do... especially if its over and beyond your job description and you are helping them out!!


Monday, December 29, 2008

Christmas time!!! 2008

Well Christmas has come and gone!
I cant believe that its all over with already!!! So much anticipation for it... just for it to go so quick!!
Christmas was wonderful for all of us!!! P and S enjoyed it so so much!!!
Christmas eve was so nice. My dad, step mom, Grandma B and two of our close family friends all came over to my house to celebrate. Lucky me, I got to work that day... so my stepmom (nani) came over and watched the kids for me and got the food all prepared. It was so nice not having to get up and get them ready for once... that never happens!!!
So we celebrated at my house.. The kids got so much stuff.. and of course... they played in the big box that one of the gifts came in more than the toys! lol. Santa paid us a visit and it was fun. S actually went near him and didn't freak out!! yea!!
We went to Christmas eve serv. and that was really nice... P did excellant there! S was tired and cranky from the whole day so she was more restless. Then me and the kids went to Red Lobster with my mom and stepdad and bro. It was nice... even tho they were sooooo slow, and there was no one there!!! After dinner we went to my moms to open a gift and then back home and the kids opened all of the gifts from me! They both were so good it was a Christmas miricle!! :-)
Christmas morning they woke up to get their stockings and the gifts that Santa left them! P was super excited because he got two of the things he really wanted... S liked it too.. but wasnt over excited. We then went to my mom to open some gifts over there... P was over tired and over stimulated already and was starting be come a grouch... S was ok.. They both got so spoiled tho this Christmas!!! its insane!!!
P went with his father for the week till New Years eve... so its just been me and S. It has been fun... but i know she is missing her brother.
The 26th... i went to the radio city Christmas spectacular featuring the rockettes... it was really ncie... it was nice spending time with the family... and NO KIDS!!!
The rest of the weekend we pretty much was just laszy... I put together S's new bed... I am still fighting her on sleeping there... she wants to be with mommy.
Sunday night... i thought she was in bed... next thing i know she comes out to the family room... and says look mommy- hair... i looked... and smelled... and she put an entire tub of vick vapor rub in her hair!!! lucky me!!! that is a pain to get out... i washed her hair 2x... still nothing... so i put her back to bed... i was exhausted by this point... and just wanted togo to sleep...
Yesterday my mom picked her up early from the sitter... and washed her hair with corn starch and a good shampoo... more came out... but its still really greasey looking... o well.
We got our new puppy last nite... ill put up pics. s loves him... but he doesnt know exactly what to make of her yet... shes just slightly "over" loving!
Again last night was another fight to gether to sleep in her bed. she wants to stay up with me! finally at 1130 and crying herself to sleep... the fight was over... till 230 when she climbed in bed with me... she won.
I got a call from my ex and his wife last night about p. he stole his cousins lil toys. they found them in his coat pocket... i so dont know what to do with him! I dont know why he does what he does!!! He's got an appt with the doc on sat... so hopefully she will be able to tell me something... becasue i really don't know what to do!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


Now you have to remember that this blog is written from a woman's point of view...

I was talking with my friend over the weekend. And she has been talking to this guy for a few weeks now, and really likes him. She's not sure how he feels. He's a manly man, and doesn't really talk about his feelings that much. She knows he doesn't want to rush into anything and really she doesn't either but also wants to know he feels... They have hung out a couple of time... and the last time that they hung out they ended up having sex. She felt really good about everything, even tho it had happened earlier than she thought it would or should. But it felt right.
Then the next few days that followed... He seemed more distant. And maybe it was just that he was busy or something... but he didn't call as much, he didn't text as much. And when he did, it was distant. So now she's worrying that maybe that was all he really wanted to get laid and be done... That he doesn't feel the same way she does. But then maybe she is putting the horse before the carriage and just thinking way to much for everything.

But sex is kinda a big thing... unless maybe it put out there in the first place where both parties stand... like if its just a friendship thing and that's all it will ever be. But when one party is thinking that maybe there is more than there is one person is going to get hurt.
So I am sitting here thinking/wondering... do guys feel like this? Do guys feel the emotional connection from sex that women do? Do they get caught up in the moments and feel more than they let on?

Why can't guys after they have had sex with a girl... try and do a lil bit more than he has to show her that it wasn't just a great lay... and now he's done. That there is more in his heart than what is in his pants. I know girls are complicated... and maybe we should band together and make a instruction manual up for men so they know how to treat a woman!
Be sweet, compliment, show interest, text randomly thru out the day, leave sweet messages- on phone, email,facebook, myspace, wherever, flowers, candy, balloons... anything that will make the girl know that she was more than just sex. You see more to her than just what she's got going on under all her clothes.

Whats your opinion?

Monday, December 22, 2008


I really havent been in the blogging mood here lately..

So here's the update on the last week.

On the 16th P had his first appointment with a counselor about the odd... We talked for a lil bit and she barely talked to P. She pretty much said that she didn't think he had that he was a normal 6yr old boy. And she didn't think that he needed to come back. I told her I thought he definetely needed to come back, even just to talk. I feel like I am at my wits end. I can not take it anymore. He has a lot of anger built up and maybe at least just talking with him will help everything. So we go back in Jan.

Then P had his holiday musical performance that same night. He did so great! He definetly loves to perform and has a musical ear! S wanted to be up there with him. And because I wouldn't let her, she decided to throw a fit over it! My step-dad came and got her and took her to the back of the room... I could still hear her crying thru the whole thing. Poor thing! lol. She always wants to be with her brother.

The rest of the week is kinda a blur to me now! lol. Thats so horrible.

Friday we went to diner with a couple of my friends. And both kids did really good!!! Then we went and looked at Christmas lights. It was nice. Afterward my friend L came over and me, her and p watched a movie. S went to bed... well tried to get her to anyway... she kept sneeking out

finally we got her to go back to sleep.

Sat. we went with Nani to the Moose Christmas party. That was neat... different. and funny. The kids I think enjoyed themselves. P went and stayed the night over a friends house. My friend J came over and we watched a couple movies together. S was scared to death of him!! lol. She kept screaming and freaking out whenever she seen him!!

Sun- We went and got our pics taken with Santa. That was a lot of fun! We really enjoyed it! In the evening me and P were wrapping gifts and S decided she didnt want to go to sleep.. so she came out... grabbed a gift , said mine, and went running to her room!! lol.

Too Cute!

the dating "game"

Why does dating have to be such a game???

You have a great night with a guy/girl... then the next day you want to call them but don't want to make the first move or you don't want to seem needy or anything. So you don't call. And the other person is thinking the same thing. So neither calls. And you sit there and wonder.. hhmm.. did they not have a good time with me? maybe they don't like me? maybe I did something wrong? Did I say something wrong? Maybe I shouldnt have kissed them, maybe I shouldnt have hugged them, maybe I shouldnt have done this or that? Maybe they were just using me for a free meal, for something to do, etc?

Why does it have to be so confusing.

Why can't we just be open and honest. Just straight out say- i like you. I would like to get to know you more. Why are we so afraid of making the first move? Why are we so afrain of rejection? Wouldnt it be better to know after the first date, kiss, whatever, that you are not on the same level as the other person. Why string it along?!

What about after the first time you have sex with the person? Thats a whole other worry. Then you start to have even more feelings... and wonder if they do to. But you dont want to say anything cuz you dont know if they feel the same. And you sit there and wonder... was it good for them? Maybe I didn't do this right or that. Maybe I wasn't as good as they hoped.

Just be honest and open with each other. Don't smother them, but tell them how you feel. Better to have it out their and known where you stand then having to guess the whole time.

just be honest. (i am starting to see a theme with my blogs!)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

My heart aches.

I was being nosy and looking and reading other blogs on here...
and it has brought me to once conclusion... its all makes me a lil sad.
All of the blogs I read are about happy lil families... husband, wife and kids...I want that so bad... I want that so bad it hurts... I have never experienced that before.

I mean I have wanted a lot of things... but so bad that my heart aches for it like this.

I want a "lil family".
I want a Christian family. I
want love from a man and be able to give it to him.
I want more kids.
I want to be the lil wifey who is there for my man and my kids.
I want to be able to have the time and energy to do things crafty and to do things with and for my family.

Is this too much to ask?
I know it will all come in due time.

The Lord has a plan for me and for my family. I know he is preparing me to be the best I can be for my husband and is doing the same to the man he has planned to be my husband... all I can do is be patient and wait.


I was being nosy and looking and reading other blogs on here...
and it has brought me to once conclusion... its all makes me a lil sad.

All of the blogs I read are about happy lil families... husband, wife and kids...
I want that so bad... I want that so bad it hurts... I have never experianced that before. I mean I have wanted a lot of things... but so bad that my heart aches for it like this.

I want a "lil family". I want a Christian family. I want love from a man and be able to give it to him. I want more kids. I want to be the lil wifey who is there for my man and my kids. I want to be able to have the time and energy to do things crafty and to do things with and for my family.

Is this too much to ask?

I know it will all come in due time. The Lord has a plan for me and for my family. I know he is preparing me to be the best I can be for my husband and is doing the same to the man he has planned to be my husband... all I can do is be patient and wait.

12/15/08 PART 2

So I get off work as alway... almost dreading it today.. I already knew how P was acting and I really didn't have the strength to deal with him for the rest of the night.
I went and got S from the sitters... paid her money I really didn't have and went to go and get P at my dads.
They told me he was good while I was gone, ate 2 bowls of cereal and an orange. He said he was still hungry. I said fine, finish the orange and we will got get dinner. He asked where? I told him at home. He just said oh and went back to eating his orange. I took S into see Papi and first thing she did was jump up into his lap and ask for some gum and of course my dad gives it to her and a piece to give to P. They both enjoy it... Now after the 2nd piece of gum she convinced my dad to give her, he told her no more... she proceeded to stick her bottom lip out... crawl down off his lap... start crying and come and sit with me. She was done with Papi. lol. And you guessed it... Papi gave her another piece of gum. What a softy.
I told P it was time to leave... He wanted to keep playing. I said finish up, we are leaving. At this moment S decided to throw a fit- about what I don't even remember. So I knew it was time to leave. P decided to start to throw a fit too cuz he wanted to keep playing. A few minutes later, coats on, kissed done we were out the door. phew... We got home and I sent P straight to his room for acting up earlier that day on my lunch. I put S in her room for the fit she threw over at Papi and Nani and I was already wiped out for the day... but there was still dinner to be made and laundry to be done.
So I made dinner and let both kids out of the room while it was cooking. S sat on the counter playing in the sink and P was at the kitchen table making snowflakes. I was cooking and folding laundry. We ate dinner in the family room and watched Elmo went to grouchland. The disc kept skipping and S had the remote by her so everytime it paused she would touch the remote and thought she was fixing the problem. P ate everything on his plate! and S most of it all.
Right after dinner it was bed time... well 15 minutes early... but I was exhausted and needed them down for the night. I got them all into bed and settled, and I went to do some more of the laundry, take a shower and by 930 I was in bed too. S had different plans for me tho. She decided to get up out of bed at 1030 and come into my room (its a good thing she is just short enough that she doesn't set off the motion decector for our alarm system!!) I got her back into bed just for her to get up again at 1130 to do it all again...
I am exhausted.

There's a spot, dad... oh wait...

It's for a horse and buggy... at Walmart? hhhmm... must be stocking up on those micro pizzas... mmmm only 99cents with a coupon !

Monday, December 15, 2008


Today isn't even finished and I am already up to my wits end with my son.
I picked him up from school today... He was on green! He had a great day. Was in a great mood. Was happy he was going over to Nani and Papi's today. We get home and everything went downhill. He wanted the toy he got at cubscouts party yesterday... and couldnt find a piece to it anywhere. We looked and looked all over the house. Finally I told him that he will have to look for it later, we had to go because I had to get back to work or I would get into trouble. Well he started crying over it... We get into the car and he starts crying even more about it. I told him we would look for it when we get home. (i was starting to get annoyed.) So he started crying louder and louder. I told him to stop that he was fine and we would look when we got home and if he didn't stop crying that he would have to go to bed early tonite because it seemed to me that he was overtired. So he said so, I don't care. I told him he owed me 50cents on top of the 50cents he already owes me. He said I don't care. I stopped the car in the middle of the road ( I was pissed now) I told him fine. When I got off work and we got home he would be in his room. He started crying louder and louder... more like banchee screaming. So I turned my radio up so I wouldn't have to hear him... he went louder... I told him fine. He was gonna be like that then he can't play outside at Nani and Papi's. He yelled louder. We got to my dad's house and I walked in the door.. and told him to get into the house... He said no... I told him to get in the house. He said no. I finally lost my cool and grabbed him by the arm and yanked him in the house. He started yelling about something and I seen that Nani was on the phone so I covered his mouth and told him to go into the family room with Papi and to be quiet... He wouldn't move... So I had to push him all the way in to the family room. I sat him down in the rocking chair... at that moment Nani came in and told him to be quiet... I gave him a kiss, my dad a kiss and I left. I couldnt even stay in the house... I didn't want him to see me cry... As soon as I got out to the car, I couldn't help it anymore. I feel so worthless and so frustrated. No one understands. People think I should just beat him, spank him, whatever it takes... and the thing is, I do. It don't work. I punish him. It don't work. Then I also have people in my life that say I am too nice on him... I just don't know what to do anymore. Last week went pretty good. I was hoping this week would to. Tomorrow, He goes to the doc for some tests. I hope they can tell me something because I don't know what to do anymore... Its gotten to the point to where I almost don't want to take a lunch to pick him up from school. I start to dread having to get all stressed out on my lunches. And I shouldn't feel like that.


It was a pretty good weekend.
S and I were lazy part of Saturday. Then she went to Nani and Papi's for awhile so I could do my Christmas shopping, which I pretty much finished up. We ate dinner with Nani and Papi and then went home and she got ready for bed.
Sunday S's dad came over for the morning and hung out with us. Then P's dad dropped him off and we went to his cubscout Christmas party. We then went to the mall to see Santa and get our picture take, but Santa was on his way to lunch so we went home. S went and took a nap and P and I layed on the couch and I tried to sleep, but S kept coming out of her room and woke me up...
In the evening we went over to Grammy and Grampys. The kids stayed for dinner and I had to go to a work Christmas party. That was a lot of fun.
After the party I went and picked up P and he was so nice and co-operative. Went to bed good for me. My mom dropped S off on her way home. And she went to bed good too.

it was a good weekend.


Today was a good day.
No issues. No problems.
Although P got put on red today at school. The teacher pulled me aside when I went to pick him up from school and told me he got put on red today for saying something inappropriate...
He told a lil girl that her mom musta pee'd on her sandwich because it was all wet!
I tried so hard not to crack a smile... I know that wasn't a nice thing to say, but it was funny.
P went to his dad's today for the weekend. I'll get him back on Sunday.

Thursday, December 11, 2008


Was sick yesterday, so wasn't even on the computer at all...
Catch up to do...

12/9- Tuesday.
Was actually a good day suprisingly. I was of course tired as I always am. lol. and I wasn't feeling all that great. Everyone at my job was sick... and of course I would get it too. So I went home at lunch (330) and rested. Then to my moms for dinner. The kids were already there, so it was nice to not have to drive all over BFE to get them. After dinner P had cubscouts. We got to go on a tour of the local police station. It was really interesting! I had a really nice time. After that me and P were on our way home and drove past the town square and it was all lite up for Christmas, so we decided to stop and go for a walk thru it. It was nice. He was so sweet.
We got home and waited for my mom to bring S home. Once I did, it was the nightly battle to bed. Finally got them both into bed and I finished some laundry and then decorated the tree! Yea!! its all done!!

12/10- Wed.
I took the day off work today. Wasn't feeling that great and I got to spend some time with my Mom, which is something I really havn't got to do in a while. Mamaw (my ex-mother-in-law) picked P up from school so I didn't have to worry about that and S was with my dad and his wife. So the kids were situated.
In the evening after I rested up, I went a picked up S. My friend Sh was over there visiting my dad and had brought pizza over, so we all ate dinner. S really enjoyed this. After we ate, we went home and waited for Mamaw to bring P. He came in and was talking a mile a minute about school and the santa shop and everything. I got S into bed (a few times!) and then P and I finished up folding and putting away laundry. He was a big help. My friend A came over with a movie and I had gotten him hot cocoa for Christmas so we had that and popcorn! MMM!! Good movie night. We watched Fred Claus. It was hilarious! and P loved it! He was so into the movie it was cute!!!
It was a really really good night!!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


I think it is hilarious... how we ask someone a question... but we really know we wont get a truthful answer.. why do we even bother asking...

Like for example:
you ask you man - are you cheating on me?
Seriously! Do you think he is going to tell you the truth? How many people out there when asked that question would admit to it?
or you ask- do you love me?
do you find me attractive?
do i look fat?
do you think she's prettier than me?

Most people are not going to answer these questions honestly. Because if they did... it would a- hurt the person askings feelings and b- would start an argument or some kind.

Yet, we still ask them... even knowing that we are being lied to, for some sort of reasurrance.
and we ask again and again and again...
because we need the reasurrance- even if it is fake.


Today was alright... I was over tired and over crabby! lol. Not a good mix with kids!

It was a stressful day at work and I have some personal issues I am trying to work thru and manage.
Afterwork I went and picked up S. She forgot her babydoll at the sitter, so I had to run back there and get that for her. Went to pick up P from my dads. He didnt want to leave... so I had to argue with him about that... And he didnt do his homework, like I had asked him to do before I got there. Finally got both kids loaded into the car and head home.
As we walked in the car, my friend arrived to bring our Christmas tree. This was the first time my kids had ever me my friend A and P was excited but of course S was scared out of her mind. So she came running to me and wouldnt let me put her down for anything.
While A was bringing in the tree I kept telling P to sit down and do his home work... He kept having to do something... this or that... or needed me to read part of his homework to him. I kept telling him just to do what he could first then, when I was done, i would help with the rest. Well that wasn't good enough and he wasn't going to do it at all.
My friend T showed up to pick up some Christmas decorations that I had for her, and we started talking and she was explaining things going on in her life and over an hour went by. It was 8 oclock and my kids still hadn't ate dinner, did homework, have a bath and it was already bed time!!! So I yelled for P to come and do his homework, and of course he had to play like he didn't know how to do anything! Didnt know his days of the week, didnt know how to write a date (yet has been doing this for over a month now) Then he couldn't find a pencil that worked or anything else to write with and he didn't want to use a pen! So I was finally completley frustrated and told him fine... dont do your homework you can just go to bed, and get in trouble at school tomorrow for not having it done and then you will get in trouble at home for being in trouble at school! So finally he sat down and started doing it. I was trying to get dinner together for them and get S situatied in her seat and started to eat. While I was doing that my friend A came in and started helping P with his homework... It was hilarious. P acted like he didn't have a clue on how to do things... I just kept my mouth shut, at least it wasn't an argument. I got S into bath and then ready for bed. P got dinner and some hot cocoa compliments of A.
By 930... I was exhausted... both kids in bed... P sound asleep, S singing in her crib. I was vegged out in a dark family room sitting on my couch.
I hope Tuesday is better. (even tho tuesdays are always tired days for me!)


Yea... think the semi forgot something...

Monday, December 8, 2008


I finally got an appointment for P to see a doc...

Its for the 16th.

Ill post how it went.


The weekend was pretty good.
P went with his father for the weekend, from Friday till Sunday. I missed him a lot.
S went to dinner with Grammy and Grampy Friday night, I went out with a friend to a comedy show. It was a lot of fun.
Sat morning we both were up bright and early, I had a breakfast meeting that I had to attend. S did really good there. We went home and tried to nap. Unfortunately, S's idea of a nap was finding a black crayon and coloring all over her closet door. :-( She then went over to Nani and Papi's for a bit while I went on an appointment for Primerica. I went and picked her up and me and her went to Mc'ds for dinner. It was nice. I then took her back to Nani and Papi's and she stayed the night there.
Sunday S's father came over to spend the day with her. I think she enjoyed it... (I was irritated most of the day! but hey... I guess that comes with that!) It was nice to spend the day with S. We went shopping and then put up Christmas decorations. She kept looking and going oooohhh...
P's father dropped him off Sunday evening. When we went home, he wanted to watch a movie with me because he missed me all weekend. So I said ok, so after I got S into bed, we watched part of the movie. I ended up falling a sleep and of course that wasn't aloud so P woke me up and said Mommy you fell asleep you said you would watch this with me. I told him I was sorry, I was just really tired. He got a lil mad and said you lied just like Daddy did. He fell alseep during a movie too! lol.

I decided it was time for bed then.
We went to bed. and P got to sleep in bed with me.
about 330 S decided she wanted in bed too... So she came in... that lasted bout 2hrs, with her laughing and talking and wanting to play. So I got frustrated and put her back in her bed...
Didn't get much sleep last nite.

Friday, December 5, 2008


I am getting frustrated.

I called a few different place to find out about getting P tested for ODD.

And I keep getting that they are out of Network, that I need to call the employer and get it opened up to be approved or something like that.

My ex-husband had P on his insurance. And I really dont want to get him involved more than he has to be. I am not sure how he will react to the fact that I want to get him tested. I guess I am afraid that he will deny that there is anything wrong and try and fight me on getting him tested.

Oh well, I guess I will be calling the insurance company.


Yesterday was another good day.

P was on green at school. On the way home we went and got some crickets for our frog Bubba.

He was happy to have food.. and it was so interesting to feed him! lol.

P went to my moms afterschool. When I got off work and went over there for supper, she had said that he was great. Very loving, listened really good, didn't argue, just wonderful! But of course that all changed when I got home. It makes me feel so worthless that he can act so good with her, then as soon as I show up- he's wild and crazy.

S was more happy to see her brother than she was to see me! lol! She was hungry and scarfed down her meal... P coulda cared less, and as usual made more problems for himself. Food was too hot, didnt want this.. etc.

After dinner we went home and I cleaned up a lil bit. S played and P did his homework. Afterward S went to bed (which of course she got up 3 or 4x). P and me watched a movie together and snuggled about a hour and a half in, P looks at me and says, mommy I am tired. I want to go to bed. I told him alright. So we turned the movie off and went and tucked him in and said his prayer.

It was a good night. Started out a lil bit rocky but it ended good.

I was proud of the fact that he knew he was tired, and had to get up early in the morning for school, so he should go to bed.

He goes to his dad's this weekend. I will miss him.

Thursday, December 4, 2008


Today actually went pretty good with both kids.

I got a small break from both of them in the evening and actually got started on my Christmas shopping! Now I am starting to get into the Christmas mood. Maybe I will decorate this weekend if I have time.

P came home from his Mamaw and S from her Papi and Nani. Both kids were pretty good. Neither acted up or crazy.

P went to bed really good for me. No fighting or fussing. S got up and down a few times... but finally went to sleep. She only got one bottle tonite when I first laid her down but nothing any other time she got up. She was so cute tho... she come out to the kitchen where I was... and would be like: hi mom. lol. then go running to the couch and hide her face! lol! P did get up one time to tell me he had to go pee really bad! lol. I dont know where he got that from- having to tell me when he has to use the bathroom... like getting permission or something.

It was finally a much needed good night!!

The Outcomes

These may sound leient to you... but its a start... lol.

YELLOW: No TV, No movies and no sleeping in my bed.
If more than once in a week: In room for that night
If more than twice in a week: Toy box out of room
If more than 3x in a week: In room door closed

RED: No Tv, No movies, no sleeping in my bed, In own room for the night.
If more than once in a week: Toy box out of room, door closed
If more than twice in a week: Toy box out of room for a week, door closed
Better not happen anymore times!

PRINCIPLES OFFICE, NOTE HOME,ETC: No Tv, No movies, no sleeping in my bed, In own room for one week, tv out of room, toy box out of room, Door closed.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Im going

I am in the process of making an appointment for P to be tested for ODD. I am at my wits end and am not really sure where else to turn...

I am waiting to hear back about the insurance and getting him and appointment...


Oppositional Defiance or difiant Disorder:

Oppositional Defiant Disorder
It's not unusual for children -- especially those in their "terrible twos" and early teens -- to defy authority every now and then. They may express their defiance by arguing, disobeying or talking back to their parents, teachers or other adults. When this behavior lasts longer than six months and is excessive compared to what is usual for the child's age, it may mean that the child has a type of behavior disorder called oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).

ODD is a condition in which a child displays an ongoing pattern of uncooperative, defiant, hostile and annoying behavior toward people in authority. The child's behavior often disrupts the child's normal daily activities, including activities within the family and at school.
Many children and teens with ODD also have other behavioral problems, such as attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, learning disabilities, mood disorders (such as depression) and anxiety disorders. Some children with ODD go on to develop a more serious behavior disorder called conduct disorder.

What Are the Symptoms of Oppositional Defiant Disorder?
~Symptoms of ODD may include:
~Throwing repeated temper tantrums
~Excessively arguing with adults
~Actively refusing to comply with requests and rules
~Deliberately trying to annoy or upset others, or being easily annoyed by others
~Blaming others for your mistakes
~Having frequent outbursts of anger and resentment
~Being spiteful and seeking revenge
~Swearing or using obscene language
~Saying mean and hateful things when upset
~In addition, many children with ODD are moody, easily frustrated and have a low self-esteem. ~They also may abuse drugs and alcohol.

What Causes Oppositional Defiant Disorder?
The exact cause of ODD is not known, but it is believed that a combination of biological, genetic and environmental factors may contribute to the condition.

Biological: Some studies suggest that defects in or injuries to certain areas of the brain can lead to serious behavioral problems in children. In addition, ODD has been linked to abnormal amounts of special chemicals in the brain called neurotransmitters. Neurotransmitters help nerve cells in the brain communicate with each other. If these chemicals are out of balance or not working properly, messages may not make it through the brain correctly, leading to symptoms of ODD, and other mental illnesses. Further, many children and teens with ODD also have other mental illnesses, such as ADHD, learning disorders, depression or an anxiety disorder, which may contribute to their behavior problems.

Genetics: Many children and teens with ODD have close family members with mental illnesses, including mood disorders, anxiety disorders and personality disorders. This suggests that a vulnerability to develop ODD may be inherited.
Environmental: Factors such as a dysfunctional family life, a family history of mental illnesses and/or substance abuse, and inconsistent discipline by parents may contribute to the development of behavior disorders. This suggests that a vulnerability to develop ODD may be inherited.

Environmental: Factors such as a dysfunctional family life, a family history of mental illnesses and/or substance abuse, and inconsistent discipline by parents may contribute to the development of behavior disorders.
How Common Is Oppositional Defiant Disorder?
Estimates suggest that 2%-16% of children and teens have ODD. In younger children, ODD is more common in boys. In older children, it occurs about equally in boys and in girls. It typically begins by age 8.

How Is Oppositional Defiant Disorder Diagnosed?
As with adults, mental illnesses in children are diagnosed based on signs and symptoms that suggest a particular illness. If symptoms are present, the doctor will begin an evaluation by performing a complete medical history and physical examination. Although there are no laboratory tests to specifically diagnose ODD, the doctor may use various tests -- such as X-rays and blood tests -- to rule out physical illness or medication side effects as the cause of the symptoms. The doctor also will look for signs of other conditions that often occur along with ODD, such as ADHD and depression.

If the doctor cannot find a physical cause for the symptoms, he or she may refer the child to a child and adolescent psychiatrist or psychologist, mental health professionals who are specially trained to diagnose and treat mental illnesses in children and teens. Psychiatrists and psychologists use specially designed interview and assessment tools to evaluate a child for a mental illness. The doctor bases his or her diagnosis on reports of the child's symptoms and his or her observation of the child's attitude and behavior. The doctor often must rely on reports from the child's parents, teachers and other adults because children often have trouble explaining their problems or understanding their symptoms.

How Is Oppositional Defiant Disorder Treated?
Treatment is determined based on many factors, including the child's age, the severity of symptoms, and the child's ability to participate in and tolerate specific therapies. Treatment usually consists of a combination of the following:

Psychotherapy: Psychotherapy (a type of counseling) is aimed at helping the child develop more effective ways to express and control anger. A type of therapy called cognitive-behavioral therapy aims to reshape the child's thinking (cognition) to improve behavior. Family therapy may be used to help improve family interactions and communication among family members. A specialized therapy technique called parent management training (PMT) teaches parents ways to positively alter their child's behavior.

Medication: While there is no medication formally approved to treat ODD, various medications may be used to treat some of its distressing symptoms, as well as any other mental illnesses that may be present, such as ADHD or depression.
What Is the Outlook for Children With Oppositional Defiant Disorder?
If your child is showing signs of ODD, it is very important that you seek care from a qualified doctor immediately. Without treatment, children with ODD may experience rejection by classmates and other peers because of their poor social skills, and aggressive and annoying behavior. In addition, a child with ODD has a greater chance of developing a more serious behavioral disorder called conduct disorder. When started early, treatment is usually very effective.
Can Oppositional Defiant Disorder Be Prevented?
Although it may not be possible to prevent ODD, recognizing and acting on symptoms when they first appear can minimize distress to the child and family, and prevent many of the problems associated with the illness. Family members also can learn steps to take if signs of relapse (return of symptoms) appear. In addition, providing a nurturing, supportive and consistent home environment with a balance of love and discipline may help reduce symptoms and prevent episodes of defiant behavior.
Reviewed by the doctors at The Cleveland Clinic Department of Psychiatry and Psychology.

From: http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/oppositional-defiant-disorder?page=3


Tuesdays always seem to be bad for me... and yesterday was no different.

For some reason it always seems on tuesdays... i am more tired than any other day of the week... and yesterday was no different.

I was over tired anyway... didnt sleep very good the night before. So I was a lot more irritable to begin with it...

The morning went pretty good... very minimal arguing.

When I went and picked up p from school he told me he was on red. His school has a "traffic light" system... Green - good, Yellow- warning, Red- big trouble. So I asked him why. He said he didnt know... oh... then he remembered- because he accidentally threw his lunch box down the hall... He was walking and swinging his arms high and it slipped out of his hand. (right) So I told him he was on punishment for the night... no movie, could not sleep in my bed, and after cubscouts he was to go right to bed. (even tho its his bed time by them anyway). He said so. I dont care... gggrrr...

I take him home to change and then over to my moms so I can go back to work. (yes i pick him up on my lunch). We get to my moms and I tell him that he has to do his homework before he can play and because after cubscouts he wont have time to... so he proceeds to throw a fit... she's not going to do his hoework... he doesnt have to do his homework.. etc... So I argue with him the rest of the time before i leave.

When I get over my moms after wokr to pick up him and his sister we decide to stay for dinner since my mom is watching S for me for the cubscout meeting. Well P had already made himself a bown of cereal. So I said fine instead of completely arguing with him and listening to him to him proceed to whine and cry, I told him that he could have the cereal but he had to sit at the table the entire time at dinner and not get up from his seat until everyone was finished eating. He said fine... went done and started eating... when he was finished he decieded to start throwing the dishes (luckily plastic and empty) off the table... I told him to stop and to pick up what was on the floor... He then started yelling and crying and saying that I make him do everything. I told him that if he didnt stop that he would be in time out... sooo... time out it was...

Now at my moms her bedrooms were full of gifts for Christmas... so I couldnt put him in a bedroom... so I made his sit in the bathroom... and so he decided to take everything that he could find and beat the door with it since I closed the door and stood there holding it so he couldnt open it after I left... So then I had to take everything out of the bathroom. After that.. he sat still and quiet for about 2 minutes if that... Finally I let him out and told him to put his uniform for cubscouts on. He did... all while running around the kitchen screaming...

Finally we left... went to cubscouts... and came home... to bed. And he actually did go to bed with out a fight.

Friends and sex...

Ok... i am sitting here ... and i was looking thru my myspace friends... and thinking about who's had sex with whom...
and amazing... there a few people.. (they aint whores or anything like that) including me... that have slept with their friends and their friends boyfriends/girlfriends...
and its all a secret... only one or two people know that they have slept with this person... who is their best friends man/woman...
It just amazes me and honestly i was the same way... how casual sex has become... just another thing... at one time... it would have been looked down on severly to sleep with your friend's boyfriend or girlfriend even if they werent together at the time... or had split for good. Or if the person you slept with was married, even if they were "sepreated". How people dont think anything bad about sleeping around... friends with benifits... your friends current/ex lover... or a married person...
When did the idea that sex is supposed to be special change?

The First

I have started this blog today because I need a place to vent about my kids. I love my kids more than life itself... but they love to push me as far as I can go. And I really dont know who all will read this, if anyone at all... but at least it will help me remember things, vent things, and hopefully figure out a different route of parenting in the mean time.. Because the way I am going at the moment... is driving me insane!

A refresher course on me and my Situation...
I am a single mom of 2 great kids. I work 3 jobs. I am a head person in my son's cubscouts. I have 4 animals (2 dogs, a cat, and a frog). I own my own home. I own my own car. I am currently 26yrs old (march 1982). I have anxiety issues. I am a born again Christian. I am divorsed. My kids have two different fathers. My son is white. My daughter is biracial. I was the "black sheep" of the family because I dated a black man.

I guess that is me in a nut shell! lol!

Now... for the next posting.

Please post any comments, questions or anything to anything I have wrote.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Monday, October 20, 2008


Should you be 100%honest with someone... especially the person you are in love with? Even when you know it will hurt them? Should you tell them exactly whats on your mind all the time?

Do you want someone to be completely honest with you? Tell you when they are having feelings for someone else? Tell you that they dont know if they can be with you. Tell you that they are unhappy? Can you handle the truth?

I have always wanted people to be honest with me... and I still do.. It may hurt like hell... but I would rather know the truth than to keep going living a lie only to learn about it in the future... after you have put in your time... your heart...

I understand somethings maybe shouldn't always be be told.. Somethings should be hidden... like you think that girl is hot or something... you think she's gained weight... you think she is an idiot... etc...

But if its major. It should be told.

walk away




Wednesday, October 8, 2008


Beauty lies beneath the skin
Out of sight but not out of sin
Evil thought and evil ways
Can make anyone go astray
God is here for you and me
We need only him as out key
To unlock our hearts and unlock our soul
To move and teach us as we grow
Open your eyes so you can see
That God is the only thing we need


Everytime the wind blows
The birds sing
The sunshines
I think of you
Every time I see you
My heart skips a beat
Evertime I think of you
I feel I can do anything
I do believe I love you!

for you


Torn 2008

Torn inside
Between right and wrong
The good and the bad
Up and down
Happy and sad

Choosing between
Making the right choice
Thinking what is God's will
Or is this the devil's word
That's giving my head it's fill

Only thru time
And faith in my Lord
will my soul be finally at peace
Need to stay strong and faithful
To have this confustion cease

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


When you are in a relationship... Can you still be friends and hang out with the opposite sex?

Do you have to give up your best friends just because they are a boy or a girl? Do you have to stop hanging out with them on a one and one basis just because you got a new "love" ? Is it disrespectful to your new "love" to hang out with your friend? What if you have been intimate with this friend? Does that change things?

I want to get opinions on this...

I think as long as there is trust there... It should be ok for you to still hang out with your friends... male or female... as long as trust hasnt been broken and as long as the friend comes around the love interst and is at least considerate and respectful to your love interest...

Does your love interest have the right to ask you not to hang out with someone that you have been friends with before them? To tell you who you should and should not hang out with?


I’ve waited my whole life
Just for that one night
From the first time that we met
Every moment just felt so right

I fell in love with you
The right and wrong
Just the thought of you
Makes my heart thump a love song

I want to spend my life with you
I want to be by your side
Thru thick and thin
You are who I want to confide

My heart is yours
To you give you my soul
And to prove my love
Is my new goal

To be in your arms forever
To feel you kisses on my cheek
To hear you say I love you
All makes my knees weak

With all this said
I hope you believe it’s true
I would not lie
I love you.







May 2008

I believed you
I gave you my heart
You said you loved me
And I believed you

I gave you my trust
You said you would never leave
And I believed you

I gave you my love
You said you would never hurt me
And I believed you

But you didnt love me
But you did leave me
But you did hurt me

And now you want me to believe that you have changed
That you are a better person
That you will treat me good... like a princess
That you will always love me
That you will never hurt me
That you will never leave

But why?
Why should I believe you now?
What is different now than then?

I believed you. Not anymore.

Monday, October 6, 2008

We are sheep...

A funny thing happened today....
My son was late for school today...
So I had to take him into the office and sign him in that he is late..
So I was like the 5th person on the sign in sheet... and I looked and everyone had signed the date today as 10/06/05. HHHmmm made me stop and think a second... this isnt 2005....
The first person on the sheet musta put 05 (i am thinking that they just didnt finish their 8) and everyone else... instead of using common sense... just put down the same thing.

It is amazing how much like sheep we are... how we will just follow along with what one person does... even if we know it is obviously wrong.
Why don't people think before they act... why do we just go along with what the person before us has done? Why is it so hard to think for ourselfs?

Friday, September 12, 2008

A Real Man! ~great article.

~ A man should let me be me... Give me my freedom. Will not try and suffocate me, judge me, or drowned me in their own self pity.

~ A man should have a good job... at least good enough to support himself and a family.

~ A man should have a car or some mode of transportation... not his mommy or daddy and sure as hell not me.

~ A man should be open... open to my idea, my friends, crazy family, to new ideas, to love, to loss, to adventure etc...

~ A man need to be positive... at least most of the time... support me, encourage me, love me... even if i am doomed to fail... Don't be negative nick all the time... its a turn off.

~ A man needs to know how to make love to a woman... truely make love... not just sex... not just fuck.. but truely make love to her... look into her eyes, gently kiss every inch of her body, whisper in her ear sweet things, caress her, be gentle with her, mainly show her how much you love her thru love making...

~ A man needs to be sensitive to a womans needs, emotionally, physically, mentally, financially (anything ending in ly... lol.)

~ A man needs to know how to respect his woman in every possible way.

~ A man needs to know how to keep his dick in his pants, his tounge in his mouth and his thoughts on his girl...

~ A man should be willing to do housework and shouldn't be closed minded as to think the woman's job is to cook and clean and the man's is to do the mowing... its the 90's grow up.. with that thinking ... a man better have a damn good job so his woman can stay home too!

~ A man should be willing to get a second job if needed, not expect his woman to work 2 or 3 jobs or all the extra overtime just to support him and his desires.

~ A man should not be afraid to compliment his woman all the time... not just wait for her to say something about something...

~ A man needs to know how to listen... and remember... because a woman NEVER forgets!

~ A man should want what the woman he is with wants.. they should have mutual goals and desires.

~ A man need to know patience...

~ A man needs to know HOW to love his partner... and need to be aware of how his woman needs to be loved.

~ A man should be willing to please his woman sexually in anyway she wants... and she will do the same in return...

~ A man should be honest with himself and with him woman. if he loves her lies are unneeded unless of course diamonds are involved...

Overall a man should devote him self to making his woman happy in anyway possible... (oh if only there was such a man!)

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

My mom

I have come to realize that I have a great mom...
I mean I have always known this... but certain moments in my life just reaffirm it to me...
And last night was one of those...

She new I am hard pressed for money.. Bills just keep adding up and even tho I am working 2 jobs.. in the process of 3... I still cant make ends meet...

So she got a bonus at work yesterday... and took me and the kiddies grocery shopping for a few things...
She has no idea how much I appreciate this... I was stressing out all week wondering how I was going to have food for my son's lunches everyday... trying to think of any little thing that I could put in there... This was a Godsend. The Lord truely answered my prayers here.

Anyway.. I just wanted to share my little miricle.

God Bless

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

She's got a knife!!!

Our mascot at work... sitting on a fire hydrant in the front lawn. She fits us perfectly.

make her own door

She wanted out... the door doesn't have to be open!


is this hair... or a mop? my daughter was scared!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Flea Market Find...

At first we thought maybe her rode his bicycle... but aparently not... so... um... why the bike shorts? I chose to ignore the stripper straps tied to his legs... maybe he'll dance for us later?!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Paranoid searching...

I was listening to the radio on my way into work today and the subject of converstaion was: Is going thru someone's email or phone or anything personal wrong?... especially if you find something?

It is definetely a double edged sword no matter how you try and sugar coat it... going thru someones personal items it a break in trust.... they should be able to trust you not to go thru their thing with out asking permission first...

But then if you didnt have a reason to think something... why would you need to go thru their things in the first place?

So you look and find out something... then how to you go about explainin to the other person.. what you found... and how you found it? and do they have a legitimate right to get upset with you for going thru their personal things when they were doing wrong in the first place?
Do two wrongs make it right?
Is it better to not look... and not find out? What you dont know wont hurt you?

is it ok to go thru someones personal things... just because of a suspicion or your own lack of confidence?
and if someone does go thru your personal items and finds something... do you have a rght to get upset with them back becuase they went thru your things??

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


I was watching a movie tonite with my son... and at one part of the movie... the woman asked the man (after the barn burnt down) Why does your God let things like this happen... And the way he answered her made complete sense to me... i had never thot of it like this before... The explaination... God is our father... just like in the same sense that i am my childrens mother... i am always there.... we can be walking down the road (like walking down the road of life) and my child slips and falls... i do not push him... i do not shove him... i do not trip him... but he still falls... i can not stop him from falling... it happens to quick... but i am there to pick him up... to carry him home... to comfort him... to kiss him... too put a band aide on his boo boo... and to make it all better.... It is the same way with God... he is always with us thru our journey in life... we make mistakes... God doesnt bring heartache and pain into our lifes... it just happens... its part of life... and it happens so fast... God can not always stop us from doing things in our life... but he is still there... watching us... waiting for us to NEED HIM... and when we do.. he is there... ready to pick us up... to mend our boo boos and to comfort us... So its not that he is letting bad things happen to us or making bad things happen to us... we do that.. we make our mistakes... other people make their mistakes... but in the end... God is there for us... to carry us... to comfort us... and above all to love us... and without God... we would still be left on the sidewalk with our boo boo... trying to get up...

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

past people...

Its funny how one time... sometime ago.. a certain person... was your friend... you two were almost identical... had the same morals, the same principles, the same ideas, the same goals, the same dreams, wants, desires... etc.... then one day.... it all just stopped... something happened... life happened... you got a mate... you had a baby... you found God... you lost a loved one... something changed in the relationship.. something changed in you or in them... and you both drifted in different directions...

and you look back and miss that person.. miss the relationship that you had with them... and look at you life now.. and look at their life... could you guys possible be friends again... you have such different lives now... but there was once a connection between you two... the same flame burned in your souls... and you have you past together... is that enough...

its amazing how much people can change over time... amazing how their morals, their thought process the things that made you be friend with in the first place can change... or is it you that has changed? or maybe both... it is amazing how at one moment in your life... you had everything in common with a certain person... and now nothing at all...

i have always had the thought taht people come in and out of our life all the time... and everyone in your life has a certain purpose.. you may not ever know what that purpose is... but there is one.. to make you happy... to remind you of good things...to show you bad... to make you weak... to make you stronger... God has a plan for it all...

Certain people in my life... i can almost pinpoint exactly why God brought them to me... and others i wonder why ... what is the purpose of the relationship... but i know there is one...
some of my friends... are true friends... will be there for me no matter what... no matter what stupid choices i make... they are there... for parties... for weddings... for funerals... good times and bad... they are there... then there are party friends... are only there for the good times... the fun times... yea they might toleate a break up with ya... but they wouldnt be there at midnite when you are crying yourself to sleep... but you wanna go out drinking at midnite... they are all for it.. there are the friends that have always been there in your life... but still have come and gone... best friends for a month... then off for a few months.. get a new love interest... and forget you are their friend... they break up... and you are best friends all over again...

I guess you jus have to learn to love everyone in your life... and realize that every person is not you.. and can not be how you want them to be... everyone changes. everyone moves on eventually.. you will too.. dont judge someone because of their faults in your eyes... i am sure you have faults in their eyes too... does that make you any less then them???

A perfect couple.

Is there a such thing as a perfect couple?

I was discussing this with a friend a few weeks ago... is there a such thing as a perfect couple? We look at people, at couples and are they completely happy? Or are they feeling the same way that we do or have in a relationship?

What makes a perfect couple/relationship? Is it just being able to deal with all the annoyances that the other person does? Is it feeling loved all the time? Is it just having someone there so you are not alone? Some one to help with the bills, housework, have sex with?
What makes a relationship or a mate good? let alone perfect?

Everyone around us always seems happier than we are. Happier with life, their job, their family, and their mate... but are they that much happier than us? Or is it just that they dont complain as much as we do, so we really dont know what is bothering them?

Is the grass greener on their other side of the fence?

I doubt it... its just mowed differently than ours.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

others who blog

I am sitting here being nosey.. and bored...typical at the end of the work day...
and i am reading other peoples blogs... and i am sitting her laughing hysterically over some...
and other i am a bit jealous...
i wish i could be one of those women who acutally have time (besides down time at work) to sit down and blog... and blog on multiple sites! i wish i could be a stay at home mom... and have the perfect house... and the perfect yard... and be creative to make my house so unique... and be witty and funny and be able to make everyone who reads my blog laugh or wish they were me...

but i have come to the realization... i m not that creative... i am not that witty... and i may be unique... but not necessarily in a way people really want to read about.. or at least not in a way that i am able to completely express in words. and i have come to realize...that i probably will never have the lifesytle.. i would love to be a stay at home mom... and be there for my kids all the time... and have the time to blog... and have that "perfect" life... but its all a dream...

but i do love to type.. and i do love to blog... so i will keep on at it... and even tho i may never have a steady readership (is that even a word) its good therapy for me to get my hairbrained thoughts out of my head...

i dunno... all this sounded so much better when i was thinking about what i was gonna write while i was peeing... damn. need a computer in the bathroom so i dont forget everythign in the 10 feet from there to my desk.

too too long...

its been awhile since i wrote on here.... ive been selfish i have been writing in my personal blog about life and relationships and whatnot...

this has been a busy summer... well at least the last month has been. seems like almost every week for the last month we have been doing somehting... first we went down to columbus to visit my sister for a few days for our family vacation... that was fun.. not as much fun as i was thinking it was going to be, but still fun...
we went to the columbus zoo on our first full day down there... and that was nice.. very hot tho... and my son was in one of those moods... just wouldnt listen to anyone... wanted to do everything his way... or no way... so it made for a stressful day.. and my sister was in a mood too cuz of personal issues she was having... so the two of them together was slightly stressful.
then my sister's ear starting acting up... so she ended up going to the er for it... and was told no showering.. no water.. nothing...
which kinda came in handy... cuz the next day we went to a water park... and since she had to stay home... she got to spend the day with my daughter... and me and pete took peyton to the waterpark ourselves... it was so much freakin fun...
sunday... the day we left... we kinda just layed around... and was lazy most of the day...
then about a week later... i took a few days off and spent it with my kids and my mom... it was really really nice... very exhausting physically.. but relaxing and good quality time!
we went down to amish country for one day... went around to all the shops.. i spent way too much money... but got the kids and my mom a few cute lil things.
the next day we went out the the african safari in port clinton... its a drive thru "safari" . its awesome. we took my brother along for this one. i think he enjoyed it too... and my kids loved it. they give you food to feed the animals and the animals come right up to the car and stick their heads in and everything... it was fun and exciting... and needless to say i was filthy- covered in animal spit all over my arms and legs! but it was so much fun.
last weekend we went to put n bay with the whole family to celebrate my mom's bday. it was fun... felt rushed as always... but still a lot of fun.
i have been very stressed out here lately... i havent been getting enuf sleep... and i have been worrying about bills and money and all that... so i know i have been short with the kids and its almsot like they know i feel like i do.. and start acting up even more than normal! its been a long month... im hoping next month will be better...
next week i will be going to florida for a couple days... one of my good friends used their flyer miles and got me a ticket... so i am really looking forward to that... i am going to miss my kids like crazy... but i am so looking forward to it all... getting away.. peace and quiet... relaxation... or at least i am hoping... the only thing that is going to seriously suck... is i will have almost no money... but hey... ramen noodles in florida.. is better than ramen noodles at home! lol!

Monday, August 4, 2008


Ok.. I am stressing out today...
I have been thinking way too much about my bills and everything... and so do not have enough money to pay any of them!!!
I am gettin pissed off at people in generall... I hate when someone tells me that they will help me pay for something... then dont and I know damn well that they never had any intentions ..ing me in the first place... they just said it to get what they want and then thats it.. they are done!!! its so frustrating and pisses me off so bad... why can't they just be a fuckin man and live up to to what they say... otherwise dont fucking say it!!!!
sorry... im just in a pissy mood today... stressed out... and just kinda needed to vent.. i am just tired of idiots and false promises... i know damn well that if i promise anything... i make sure i go thru with it... cuz i know i dont want to be known as the person who doesnt keep their word on something...
i know i have made a shit ton of mistakes in my past... and at times i feel like i am still paying for a lot of those mistakes... but i have learned from them... i am trying to grow from them... and move on and be better because of them!!! why can others do the same...
i hate when someone comes at me and apologized for the mistakes they made... and wonder why i dont believe them that they are sorry and that they wont do it again... yet... there they go doing the same damn thing... just slightly different... and they are too damn stupid to even realize what it is that they are doing!!!! yet i am supposed to believe that they have changed?? fuck that.
i hate when someone come at me with a bold face lie... and i prove to them that they are lying about it.... and yet they still insite they are not lying... i may be dumb at time... but i am not stupid!!! it may take me a min or two to figure shit out... but i will!!!!!!
i guess i am just tried of fighting all these battles all the time... i feel like i am responsible for so much.. and i am not sure how much more i can handle... i know the Lord only gives me what i can handle... and i know i can keep going... i have faith in Him. and my strenght is thru Him... just sometimes it all becomes so overwhelming... like i have a huge sack of burdens on my back.... and i am about to tip over from it... (read the pilgrims progress) and i know the Lord is here helping me thru... and honestly that is the only thing that is getting me thru it all!!!
i just want to be a good mom to my kids... not be stressed out all the time... and it seems like anymore ... thats all i am stressed... snapping too quickly at my babys... no patience what so ever for anything... and do their fathers help... nope... and yet the one father has the fucking audacity to get pissed cuz i have a new man in my life... and in his eyes is taking his place as a father... but what the hell... if he aint in the picture... if he doesnt come to see his child... then what the f. does he think??
where do i find all the idiots.. lol. i am seriously starting to think i have a big sign stuck to my forehead that says sucker on it....
am i that desperet for love that i fall for anything????
my new man is great... i cant really complain.. he makes me feel special... actually shows me he loves me.. yea we have our issues with each other already.. but hey ... we are human.. who doesnt... but i do like him... and am gonna see what the future holds for us....
alright.. enuf venting for the moment.. even tho i may be on again after a bit... with more ramblings... lol.
God Bless ya'll

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

stuck like glue...

why is it when a girl gets with a guy... she stuck on him like glue...
forgets about her friends... her obligations... her normal life...
and sticks with him even tho all the warning signs are there... that they will not last, that he is not good?

i know so many of my friends that have been like this... and I can even say that I have too....
but why?

is it that as a woman we need to have someoen there to make us feel complete?
is it that we need to have someone there to love?
is it that we just dont think we deserve better?

why are we willing to give up so much and get nothing in return?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


I have heard of the whole karma thing.. and what goes around comes around... and I am definetely living proof of that... but how long do i have to pay for my past mistakes???

With my ex husband is when i made most if not all of my huge mistakes...
I cheated on him, i lied to him, and I hurt him severely...
And for the past 3 years... I feel like I am paying for all of those mistakes.

In my last relationship with my daughters father... I was miserable for most of it... (and for some stupid reason... he was my first real true love-stupid i know)...
He would do so many of the things that I did to my ex husband... like make me beg for sex... I rarely ever wanted to have sex when I was with my ex husband... and so we did once in a while... maybe once a week or a little bit more... and it was to please him... With my daughters father... it was about the same... only it was always me initiating having sex with him... me begging him for it... and then I only got it maybe once a week... if i was lucky...
and that is just one example...

so now i am wondering... if everything that i do... going to come back to haunt me... will i always get my ass kicked by karma? because even till this day... i feel like i still am... I still see things that i did to him (the sneekiness, the lying, the makin excuses for things)...
and i know i was a bitch to my ex-husband... and i regret the way i did him and how much i hurt him... but should i have to pay for the rest of my life for those mistakes??

screwiing it up

Ok.. so my boy finally asked me to be his girl friend... and everything was great... then i dunno what happen with me...
I have become so freaking insecure you wouldnt belive... and i am not really sure why.
Over the weekend my boyfriend left his old phone at my house... and i decided to play with it some... and i ended up reading a lot of his old text messages that he sent his ex's before me and him were official... or hell ever really dating dating... but it still upset me a lil bit. and i know it shouldnt have cuz i had sent similar messages to my ex too... so i told him how i felt and we talked about it and we were good..
well last nite we were sitting there and he was listening to a song on his new phone that he just downloaded... and it was a song that he said messaged his ex that it reminded him of her...
should have i gotten upset? it really hurt me. eventually i told him that it was bothering me (after like 20 min of him asking me what was wrong)... and he said that he liked the song before her.. and it was just something that one part reminded him of her at one time.. but it was still his favorite song regardless...
but ever since then.. i feel like now there is this distance between me and him... and i dunno... i am so in love with him... and yet i am so freaking scared of being hurt, being lied to and being cheated on... my ex sure did a number on me... and i didnt realize it till now...
i am trying to trust him.. and not think the way that i am thinking right now... but its hard...

am i wrong for thinking the way that i am? should i trust him? what should i do?

Thursday, July 10, 2008


I havent wrote in a while...

I have a crap-load list of things that I have thought about that I could blog about...
but when it comes time to actually sit down and write... my mind is blank...
I have all these wonderful thoughts that go on all day long and sometimes all night long too... in my head... of things that I want to say... but then its like as soon as my fingers touch the keyboard... blank.. nothing.. nada.. zilch.

So I need some inspiration...

Wednesday, July 2, 2008


i think i am finally letting go. finally falling in love again...
i think i was trying to look for reason not too
i think i was trying to look for any little sign
i think i was trying to have a reason to condem him
i think i was trying to not even give him a chance...
i think my heart has opened up a lil more
i think it was just this past weekend
i think i realized how much i do care
i think i realized how great of a guy he his
i think i realize that he is human and has his flaws
i think i know i can get over some
i ithink i am finally letting go
and i think i am finally falling in love again...

change is good?!

Why is it... that why we get into a relationship we try to get the other person to change their physical appearance? You need to lose weight, gain weight, cut your hair, let it grow, color it this, color it that, get a tan, quit tanning etc...
If I wasnt the way that you wanted me to be when you first met me... then why did you get with me in the first place?
Why as humans do we need to change the one that we are with? Are you less attractive to that person if they dont have the features that you find attractive? Are you reminded of an ex or of someone that you want to be with now but cant?
why does there have to be change?

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

the things lil boys do...

Went to lunch today with my daddy... I love my dad. He's great. He's hilarious. He's a typical grumpy perverted old man!
Today we were talking about our childhoods... and he was telling me about some of the things that he did as a lil kid...
Like making his younger brother piss on an electrical fence for a quarter.... as his bro was peeing, the electrical current went up to his lil dick and shocked the crap out of him... he went flying backwards and landed in the grass some odd feet away... got up... brushed himself off and walked over to my dad and asked for his quarter!
Another time his older brother whom could hold a lot of electricity would grab onto the electrical fence and then have someone grab on to his hand... and they would go down the row... and aparently the harder you hold on the less shock you get... so this is one time you cant be a pussy and barely touch another dude... the whole idea was to see who could hold on the longest... and apparently the one who held on to the fence got the least amount of shock... then one at the end... got the most... (who does stuff like this?)
Or how him and his brothers and his friends would get together and play "war" with sling shots and bebe guns! and then my dad proceeds to show me where he got hit with a bebe on his forehead... (ok the head trama... that explains a lot!! wonder if he was dropped a couple times on his head too?? hhhmm)
Wonder how he would feel if his grandson was out there doing some of the same things he did as a kid?!

Friday, June 27, 2008

one for the girls- sent to me today!

One for the girls
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags .
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman.....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note: One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


Why do us girls.. or problem just humans in general get attached and stay attached so easily?
I have a friend that just broke up a few months ago with an asshole guy... Unfortunatly she still loves him dearly and that have a kids together...
She just started dating this new guy... and everything is wonderful... but now she is seeing lil things that she doesnt like... and is starting to wonder if he is even someone she should be spending her time with if its just gonna be a waste... yet... she doesnt want to break it off yet. She is falling in love... and doesnt want to be single again... well not quite not single.. she doesnt want be without him. She wants to be in love.

Why do we get stuck on the first guy that treats us good? Why do we fall for a guy even tho we can see all the warning signs and see that the guy just aint the "one"? Why do we hold on to that guy that is all wrong for us just so we can have someone to love and will show us a lil bit of love in return?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Selective Memory...

Why is it that we forget all the bad things in a relationship once we are not in that relationship anymore?
I was in a crappy relationship about 8 months ago... I loved the man more than anything... but it was the hardest relationship that i was in. He was lazy, he was uncaring, he was irresponsible, he was mean, insensitive... etc.. yet i loved him...
We have been broke up for 8month... and I am starting to finally get over him... then he starts being nice to me... telling me how much he loves me and how sorry he is for everything and how he has changed...
Why should I believe him? and yet.... i start to.. I try and think about all the crappy time... the nights i cryed myself to sleep because of him, the times i felt absolutely worthless, the times i wished i was somewherelse... but its harder and harder everyday...
Why do we forget the shitty parts of a relationship? Why does our brain work like that... Why cant we remember all the b.s. that the man put us so that we dont end up back into this situation...

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


Why do we put our parents on suck a high pedistal?
My best friend called me today saying that she thinks that her mom is having an affair... and her world is shaken. If her parents who have been together for over 30 some years dont have a "committed" relationship... then whats the point of having one? Is there a such thing?
I know my mom always wanted me to see her as the perfect woman... never drank.. never did drugs... didnt cheat... (she did smoke, but back then it was safe! ha).. was the perfect mother, wife, friend,sister, etc... Now looking back on her... I have realized she wasnt all that perfect... and it kinda knocks her down a peg... and the things she wants me to believe she didnt do... just makes me think that she never had any fun... never had a life... doesnt have the expericances that I am going thru... so how am I to go to her for help and advise?
I am torn on what I want my kids to see me as growing up? Do I want them to see me as the "perfect" mom/person or do I want them to see me as human- one who makes many mistakes?
I used to not drink in front of my kids, or argue in front of my kids, or cry in front of my kids... but why? So when they are grown and realize that I did bad things in my life... they can think that I lied to them about it all? And here is where the old phrase "do as I say not as I do" comes into play... how can you tell your children not to grow up and do what you are doing... when you are doing it...
The advise I gave my friend today: Talk to your mom about what you are thinking and feeling... and remember she is only human too.

long deserved venting... lol.

Well its been way too long since my last entry... things have been hectic lately with me... and by thte time i have a free moment... honestly i dont want to think period...

lets see... where to start!!!

pey started tball last week... he is freakin good... this is his 2nd year at doing it... and really i am not sure if he should even be in tball.. but he is not old enuf yet to get into any other type of baseball... which kinda sucks cuz he is good... i mean i know i am partial because he is my son... but he's good... gonna make mommy some money one day! lol! he has his first game on thurs. so that should be exciting... i am hoping his father makes it to the game... I know a few of my friends will def be there cheering him on! I am excited!

My dad went back in the hospital a week ago... so we have been trying to get up to see him as much as possible... but its hard... especially with my hectic life here lately... its exhausting... but i try and be a good duaghter and get up to see him...
my mom went out of town last week... and so asked me to take my brother out to dinner and up to see my dad... so i did.. my brother is 42yrs old... and is mentally handicapped... he has the mentallity of a 3-4yr old... and is stuck in a 6ft 250lb body... which can be pretty strong when he wants to be... so anyway... i take him and my two kids out to dinner... luckily my good friend came along with us... which was a life saver! so we went to dinner and my brother decided he needed to go to the bathroom every 10min... then my son had to go inbetween that... and of course my daughter being the mama's girl that she is... didnt want me to leave.. so everytime i did... thru a fit over it... needless to say... by the end of it... i needed a drink... but other than the up and down and the constant pulling my bothers hands off of everyone hair that was around me ... it was a great time!!!

then for father's day i took everyone up to see my dad in the hospital and to take him our gifts for being a wonderful daddy to us...
well my son ate a peice of fruit that my mom gave my dad from my brother (yea if that made any sense) and in doing so... realized that his bottom tooth was loose! now im all excited... i love loose teeth... i almost miss having them... and playing with them... (yea..starting to realize that i have a slight facination with pain! lol! and that i am slightly odd too!lol! ) Well pey is freakin out... he starts crying and jumping up and down and just acting a fool cuz his tooth is loose and he's scared and he said it hurt!!! and decideds to do all this... in the middle of the hospital room!!! i keep tryin to calm him down and tell him its not as bad as he thinks it is... trying so hard not to laugh at the same time because the faces that he is making are just hilarious... you woulda thought someone just bit him or something... i cant even explain how he looked... ireally wish i woulda had my camera then! lol! finally i got him calmed down... and tried to explain everything to him.... then he was fine... and excited... but i could see still worried.... but hes good now... cant wait for it to come out so he can get some money from teh toothfairy! lol!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

On-line dating

Ok.. so I was never a fan of the whole "on-line" dating scene... Always kinda thought of it as pathetic.. you cant meet people out in the real world and so you meet them thru some dating site and come to realize... they are absolutely nothing you think they are... lol.
But a few months ago one of my best friends told me about a site that he had joined- plentyoffish.com and it was free... So I figure- ah ... what the heck... I will give it a try... maybe it will help me thru the funk that I was in... I havent really dated in over 8 months...
So I joined and it was cool... Had a lot of responses, some idiots, some assholes, and some complete phsycos! But overall I couldnt complain... And as time went on there were a few guys on there that I talked to on a regular basis and actually met a few of them... but that was about it. Then I met one guy... and we emailed back and forth for a few weeks, we talked on the phone for another few weeks, found out that we had a lot of common friends- yet we never met or at least that neither of us could recall. So finally he asked me out on a date. I said yes. But I will admit that I was very skeptical. I honestly didnt think anything would come of it other than a new friend to hang out with... So we got and play putt-putt... and had a freakin great time... I dont think we stopped laughing and joking with each other the entire time. It was honestly the most fun I had had with a guy in a long long time! Then the end of the date came when it was time for me to go and pick up my daughter... and honestly I didnt really want the date to end... so I told him that I was having people over for a fire and invited him a long too... and it was a great night... We all had a lot of fun! Then it came time for him to go home... and I took him and dropped him off... and he didnt kiss me or make any type of move on me... (which was really sweet)... So I left and got home and called him (i know stalkerish! lol! ) but I just didnt want the night to end. And we have been hanging out and having a great time ever since... Who woulda ever thought I would find someone in that manner... but now I am wondering... Its really only been a few weeks since we starting "dating" ... Should I delete my dating account? Should I expect him to delete his? Should I keep it just in case it dont work out? I havent hardly been on in the last few weeks... and I havent replyed to any emails on there at all... but I am curious about him? If he is still on there talking to people... and it really shouldnt matter cuz we aren't "together" but I will admit that it does make me wonder slightly bout what he's thinking about...
What do you think? Do you think I should delete mine already? What are you opinions on internet dating? Can it work?

Thursday, June 12, 2008


Masterbation is something that everyone has at least tried once... and the majority of us have tried many many times... and become experts at it! lol!

But is masterbation wrong?

I know from my own personal standpoint... NO... its human nature... its something that needs to be done from time to time especially if you are not in a relationship... everyone needs that release.

Me personally... I do enjoy masterbating... I love the sensation... I love the control... I love to cum. And I can make myself cum hard that way... I have been doing it since I was at least 7 or 8. And unfortunately since I have been doing it for so long... Its hard for me to cum hard any other way- not impossible, just hard. lol. But over the years as I have gotten older and in and out of relationships, I have started to feel dirty or guilty when I do it, like this is something I should be sharing with the man I love... not all alone... So I rarely anymore do it... only if there is a great need for that release. But I still don't see it as wrong.

My ex on the other hand did. He felt it was cheating. You shouldn't cum unless you are with someone... And I dont believe in that.. especially when he would go 2-3 weeks at a time where he didnt want to have sex... I am the type of person.. I would like it everday if I could... so to go 2-3 weeks without anything... was insane for me... a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do... He never caught me... and I am not sure if he ever knew until I told him a few days ago in the middle of an argument...

I have talked to a few different people regarding their opinions on this... and I have found people that feel guilty afterwards like me... feel like its cheating... and feel its completely normal thing to do... as much as possible...

At what point is it bad to masterbate tho? If you are in a relationship and having sex an adequate amout should you still do it? Should you do it when your partner is asleep right next to you? In the shower? In another room? Should it be done together when penetration is not something that is able to happen?

I think masterbation is something that is needed time to time... Something you should not be ashamed of . If you are in a relationship it should be done with respect, not next to your lover cuz your pissed off or whatever but when you are alone and not able to be with your lover. And you should be open about it with that person. Not lie about it, not deny it, and not get pissed off cuz you find out that your lover did this without you...cuz you know you have done it too.

Monday, June 9, 2008


I have had a horrible weekend. I mean it had good moments here and there but for the overall feel of the weekend wasnt that great...
I am emotionally and physically drained today. I am losing my voice and i am completely exhausted.
Today i just want to go home and lay in bed all day... Forget about the rest of the world for a few moments!
Why does life and relationships have to be so hard? All i have dremt about since I was a lil kid was just a simple but happy life... I didnt desire to have a mansion, expensive cars or anything like that ( i mean if it were to happy i wouldnt complain! lol! ) All I have ever wanted was happines. I wanted a man in my life to love me for me... for all that i am, mind, spirit, and body... and till this day i still havent found that man... and as soon as i think maybe I have... something happens and makes me question him, us, and the whole situation. I want to be married one day. I want to be a wife, a mother, a true woman. I want to be able to be home for my family for my kids, my husband. I want to take care of him and in return feel that i am taken care of too. I dont want riches, fame, or a glamorous life syle... I simple want to be happy and to have a family.
I am just so tired of being tired all the time... I am tired of feeling like i am working for something... I am fighting for something... and in the end its not even worth the effort, its not even worth anything. I just want to share my life with someone.. and I am starting to wonder when that will actaully be... I know God had a plan for me... and I am trying to be patient right now..
I am at the point where I feel like I just need to start over... move... far away... or at least out of my 9 block radius life! Maybe if I start fresh,things will be better...
I am seriously starting to feel like I am surrounded by selfish idiots... Everyone depends on me for everything with them. Expects me to take care of every problem that may come up... then they show up afterward like nothings even happening. Why should I be the only one that has to worry everyday about who's going to watch my kids, why should I have to remind and remind and remind everyone else about thier obligations? Why do I have to be a mother to everyone??? Why cant people just be responsible for their own things? And if I dont remind remind remind... then I am the one who ends up getting screwed over... and the one that forgot.... doesnt even offer to help with the problem!!!