Saturday, January 18, 2014


I have been wanting to to wait to do this post till I had see the doc... but as that seems to be a mission to do so... I have decided to go ahead and announce to the blogging world that I am Pregnant. 

I am about 10 or so weeks. My due date is 8/15/14

I took the home pregnancy test on 12/06/13. 

I had a feeling for a few weeks before that, that something was up... so I had weaned myself off of my cymbalta and adderall. It was hard and there was a lot of days I just felt absolutely miserable but I wanted to make sure that I didn't cause any complication "if" I was pregnant... and what do ya know... I was. :-) 

After I found out, I went shopping and made up a cute little "gift" to give my fiance to tell him the news!!!  His reaction wasnt exactly what I thought it was going to be... but he was scared and nervous that maybe the test was wrong. Once I got the blood test done and we knew for certain that there was a baby... He was extremely happy!! 

It has definitely been a rough few weeks... I have had nausea and extreme tiredness... thankfully I didnt actually throw up.  I have been very depressed and over emotional on everything... it kinda sucks because this should be a extremely happy time for me!  As soon as I get in to see the doc, the first thing I am going to ask is if I can go back on some kind of anti-depressant. I just want to be happy again... and its not that I am not happy... I just want to feel happy. 

The reason I havent been in to see a doc yet is because of insurance/medicaid. 
I am still out of work... and was getting unemployment until the end of December so I was on Family Planning/Medicaid... which provided basic gynocological exams and birth control. So I had to go back and fill out new paper work and prove to them that I was pregnant in order to have the pregnancy covered...  finally got all of that approved right after Christmas tho I didnt get my card till after the first of the year. As soon as I did, I looked up the  doctors and found the doc that I had with baby girl accepted Medicaid. So I called and got an appt and last Wed we went up there... filled out all the paperwork only to find out when I handed it in along with my card, that they do NOT accept medicaid. I left there in tears. :-(  I was so excited to finally get in to see a doc!!!  I was so upset because on the medicaid website it said that they were covered and I was FINALLY getting in to see a doc!!!  I called around to a few other doctors and finally found one that does accept medicaid... and we have an appt for next Thursday. "Fingers crossed" that nothing goes wrong. 

I went to Cornerstone Among Women in order to get a "official" pregnancy test and was offered an Ultrasound. So at 5 weeks I got to see my baby... well really just the heart beating but still... it was breath-taking! We were offered another ultrasound... so we go back there on the 5th of Feb! I am excited!!! 

On Christmas, I ended up getting sick... I had a temp of 100 then in less that an hour it went up to 102.3... Big B ( my fiance) insisted that we go to the hospital because of the temp and the quick rise in temp... he didnt want to risk anything with the baby. He's already been in a situation where an ex was pregnant with his kid and had a miscarriage... so he's extremely worried about that with us... and the fact that I had a miscarriage before I had baby girl.  So we went to the hospital and was told that I had an upper respitory infection and was put on anti-biotics.  I felt like absolute crap for a few days after that... between the "morning sickness"/nausea and the infection in my body... it was a very rough few days. 

After a couple weeks, I felt better, tho I was still coughing up phlegm... and I ended up coughing so much and so hard, I pulling something in my rib area on the right side... that pain lasted about a week... and it was so bad that I was in tears most days and that I couldn't sleep much at night because if I moved around at all, I was in intense pain.  Again, Big B wanted me to go to the hospital or something because both him and my mom was worried that it was my gallbladder. I talked them out of making me go... and in a couple days the pain went away for the most part, though I still have pain when I breathe in deeply.  Something I will be talking to the doc about. 

In the next couple weeks, there will be a lot of decisions that need to be made... since I am no longer getting unemployment, and I have yet to find a full time job (which now may be even more hard since I have a bun in the oven). I am working part time... but its no where near enough to pay even my house payment each month.  Big B helps with the bills as much as he can too, but he has his own bills that he has to worry about.  So I need to figure out if I should try and get a second part time job...  Big B is thinking about applying for other jobs that could pay more and possibly offer more over-time.   The thing we both are worried about is that if we do these things... we will never see each other and I will never see my kids.  And my pastoral classes start up in a month, so I have to take that into consideration too.

So needless to say... its been a rough pregnancy so far. I don't remember being this depressed with either baby girl or lil man.  With baby girl I had the nausea but I don't remember very many other major issues... well at least till the end of the pregnancy with having preterm labor (which was stopped).  It amazing how each pregnancy has been so much different... and it seems that the older I am, the harder each pregnancy is... I wonder if its due to age or just life situations at that time.  Probably a little bit of each. 

I know that God has a plan... even tho things didn't got the way I had planned- I wanted to be married before I had my next kid, but God is good and is here with us. I know we will get through everything, learn from it all, come close to God, and one day be able to use all of our ups and downs to help someone... even if its to only know that they are not alone.

Alright... need to get off here and get baby girl some food... and this bun in the oven is hungry too!!!  

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Saturday, January 4, 2014

depression... still.

I have been struggling so much lately.

I have been dealing with depression hard core.

I have no motivation.

I have no desire for anything... I go through my days just there... waiting and hoping for the next one to be better.

I don't want to be around people... or even hardly talk to anyone.

Most people annoy me.

I just want to curl up in bed and sleep.... and with the opportunity- I do. I just sleep all day.

I know it will get better. I know God has a plan for it all. I know He is here with me and is getting me through this moment.

God is so amazing.  He has gotten me through so many things in life. I know He will help me get through all of this!

He is an amazing God. :-)

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama