Thursday, December 21, 2017

a depressing post too close to Christmas

I seriously feel like I am drowning right now. 

I feel like everything I am trying to do to get a head and better the life for my kids, my husband and myself is just falling apart. 

I seriously don't know how much more I can take. 

I feel like I am failing at everything. 

My house is a complete disaster... my attempts to get it cleaned and organized fail miserable. I feel like I can clean and purge and clean some more and its like- nothing changes.  

I have been sick this past month with a sinus infection that I still have and can't seem to get rid of. 

I have no energy to get done the things that need to get done. 

I just want to scream.

I am trying everything I can to make this a good Christmas for my family and I feel like I am failing miserably. 

I just keep asking when am I going to get a break... and it seems as if there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel... as soon as I get close- it just goes out. 

I have faith in God that He's got this and he knows what the future holds. But I do have to admit that I am questioning on how much more...  how much more can my heart handle. 

I feel like I am at the end of my rope and its starting to fray... 

I know this is a dark and depressing post this close to Christmas. I am just stressed.  

I feel like my brain is going in every single direction and not any of those directions are even close to where I need to be... 

I hope you all have a blessed and Merry Christmas! 

Blessing N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Unfullfilled emotions

As I lay awake in bed trying so desperately to go to sleep. I feel like I want to cry. My heart is screaming for the release, but my eyes won't oblige.  

I have felt this way for days... there are so many things that I want to cry over or cry because. I can't. The tears just won't come.  

I dream of the tears and hope that when I wake up it will happen... but nothing. 

I almost feel like a zombie going through life. I am scared when this release will actually happen. It will be a flood of emotions. A flood of tears. A flood of sadness. Just wish I knew when this dam will break so I can prepare myself a little bit for it. Make sure I am not out at the store or around a bunch of people.  I don't need anyone to think I am crazy or feel sorry for me because of the tears. 

It is what it is. Its a part of life. I know once the flood happens... things will go back to normal- whatever that actually is. 

As I lay in bed last night, in my mind, I had this really great blog post thought up in my head. Of course by the time I wake up, its gone. So here I sit, clicking away, trying to recreate the thoughts, the feelings, the words and as usual I have failed to come close to what I originally wanted to post. 

But for now... life goes one. Its time to get my little princess up and dressed and ready for school. 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

a break

This last week has been great. 

I wouldn't have been able to do it with out the great support system that I have in place. From my husband to my mom to in laws to my kids... They are all amazing. 

Last Thursday I went down to Columbus for a few days for a Trade Show for my work. I went down with a couple coworkers (one of which was my mom). It was nice to be an adult and get away and not have to constantly be cleaning up something or worrying about what the kids are doing. It was nice to get that break.  I came home on Saturday and got to spend some time with my beautiful kids.  

Sunday Morning my hubby and I left to go to a food show down in Kentucky for his work. It was just me and him for 2 wholes nights! It felt nice not having to share the bed with a couple toddlers. It felt nice to just be able to enjoy my husband.  My mom watched the older 3 and my grandma-in law watched the two babies. It was nice knowing that everyone was taken care of.  The best best part was when I got home, my house was cleaned. My laundry caught up. The kids room cleaned and clothes gone through.  I don't know how my mom did it... but she did more in 2 days than I can in a weeks time. It was heaven coming home to so much being done.  Tonight I am going to finish up cleaning the clothes we wore while we were gone and getting rid of more junk we do not need.  I am all about down sizing and getting rid of stuff. I am just so tired of having stuff every where and constantly having to clean up something. 

I am also so thankful for my older girls for taking care of the animals while we were gone. Making sure they all got outside to potty and all had food. Especially feeding the kittens. Our cat Bubbles had 5 kittens on August 4th. On the 11th she got out and we haven't seen her since, so we have been bottle feeding the kittens. While I was gone, it was up to Sami to feed them, and she did a great job!!!  We did lose the runt of the little unfortunately, but I think that would have happened no matter what. She was too far behind the rest of them. 

I definitely needed the break this past week. I enjoyed being a person again and not just a mom and wife and house cleaner and cook and boo boo fixer lol.  It was so nice feeling like a human again.  

Thank you everyone that helped this past week happen!!! I love you all!!!! 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Negust (negagive august)

I seriously dislike August. The only good thing that happens in August is my mom birthday and my daughters birthday. Other than that, I dislike August.

I don't know why but it has always seemed like the last few years- August has just been a rough month for me. Money always seems extra tight. Something always goes wrong. I am just extra down and depressed.  This August has been no different.  I am feeling a little bit better now than I did the beginning of the month. I guess a lot of it is because we have gotten past the one year anniversary of my dad passing .

A week ago was the worst.  If it could go wrong, it did.  Plus I was depressing thinking about my dad... it just made everything that much more worse.

I am feeling better. I am trying to focus on good things and positive stuff.  Next week I am going to a trade show for my job and then the following week I am going to a trade show for my husbands work. I am really looking forward to both of them. I rarely ever get a break from all of my kids... and to get that much time... its insane.

I need to get myself on a schedule. I have no much that I need to improve. I have been so down and tired lately. I feel so overwhelmed with everything that I need to get done. I need to start getting to the gym at least 3x a week. I need to get my time with the Lord in. I have been seriously neglecting that and I can see how it is effecting my life.  I need to get on a good vitamin and keep at actually taking it.  I need to make time for my school work when that starts up again and make time for my house work, laundry, etc. I need to adjust my kids chores so they can help out a little bit more. I know I will have a fight over it with my son.... but we all have to pitch in.  Working 2 jobs, going to school and now doing home parties for Park Lane Jewelry... I can't do it all alone. I need help.

I know my blog posts are always all over the place. Mainly because that is about how my mind goes most of the days.

I need to finish up here and get back to mom life.

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Saturday, July 1, 2017


Today is the first day of a very difficult holiday for me.

The Fourth of July holiday was one that I always spent with my dad.

Every year my Grandma would have a cook out at her house and then we would watch the fire works from her dock over the lake.    This will be the first year that we will not be doing that. Thank goodness she's not having the cook out this year because I am not sure I would be able to handle going over there with out my dad.

Fireworks have always been something special to me. There is something magical about them... so watching them people I love make those moments even more special. Watching fireworks gives me the feels.... and this year- it takes on a whole new meaning.

I am already feeling down and just thinking about this holiday- the first 4th with out my dad is just pulling me down even farther.

I am trying to focus on spending time with my husband and my kids and my family and not stay on the thoughts of my dad not being here.  Focus on the love that surrounds me and know that my dad is over head watching down on us enjoying the fireworks  too.

Have a happy and safe Fourth of July!!!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Sunday, May 28, 2017

A whole new mark of sadness...

We went last night to watch fireworks... and as I was sitting there watching the beautiful explosions in the sky it made me think of my dad... and how this Fourth of July was going to be really hard. I hadn't thought about it till then. I always spent Fourth of July with my dad at Grandma's having a picnic and watching the fireworks from her dock.  I won't be able to do that anymore.  I looked forward to going there with him and watching the fireworks, spending time with him and family and always hearing all the great stories from years past.  

Its ironic that this past year Grandma said it was going to be the last year she was going to have the cook out and everything. It was just becoming too much for her to do.  So in a way, I guess its good because I don't know if I would have been able to handle going over there with out my dad, just watching the fireworks last night was really hard, it took all I had not to bawl my eyes out.  

Its funny though, I know he is watching over me. He has a strong presence and makes himself known. 

In the last month or so... 
A picture of him moved from one place to another when there was no one home with me that was big enough to have been able to move it.  

Our computer that was turned off- started playing music.

Then, my daughters iphone "siri" started talking to us when no one was even by it or speaking when it started. 

And last night at the fireworks, we got the lawn chairs out that we brought, and out fell my dad's hat. (they were his lawn chairs)

Also, all the time, I am seeing shadows of someone out of the corner of my eye- like someone walking by a door real quick- I can't make out who it is or anything- its just a dark big blob. lol but I always think maybe its my dad letting me know that he is here with me. 

I dunno, just a few of my thoughts today. 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Throw in the Towel

Today is one of those days where I just want to run away. I want to give up and throw in the towel. I feel like everything is against me... at least the important stuff. 

What do you do when it feels like a part of your life is falling apart... and there is nothing you can do to save it... When you have already put in so much energy and already lost so much of yourself to try and make everything ok? What do you do? 

I don't want to give up, but at this moment, I really don't know what to do. 

I am trying to focus on all the positive around me but some days the negative just is overwhelming. 


I know this is a vague post. I just needed to get words out and here the clicking of the keys. 

I know tomorrow is another day and it will be better.

God is Good.

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama