Its been one of those days... no i mean weeks... months?

The last few weeks for me I have been pretty stressful.  Especially last week with my hot water tank bursting and having half my house torn up... It all has just left me exhausted and back to the feeling that I just tired of doing all of this alone!

(ok... now i have completely lost my train of thought as to where i was going with this because i keep getting distracted.. ugh)  anywho.

I guess I just feel a lil overwhelmed and stressed out over life right now... Like there a lot of great things in my life- dont get me wrong there... but its just the other things... that are weighing me down and making me wish I didnt have to do it alone..

I know I have a great boyfriend...and he's always there for me and helps me as much as he can... but the thing is... when something goes wrong with my house... I am not going to expect (and probably wont even ask) him to help me do anything... It MY house.. It MY responsibility... thats just me.. thats who I am... I am an independent woman... I hate relying on anyone to help me with MY stuff... yet... I am yearning to be taken care of. 
I think also part of my issue right now.. is I am tired of always being the one who has to be responsible for EVERYTHING... the one who has to make all the choices.. the one who has the weight of a house payment, utility bills, kids, car, etc... on my shoulders. 

I have never had a man take care of me.  My BF right now.. is the closest thing I have ever had to it... and that scares me to death too!  We were talking last week (before the hot water tank issue) and he suggested me moving down there with him if and when I get laid off (ive been worried about getting laid off for over 2yrs now... just kinda waiting for it to happen). He is the first man ever to ask me to move in with him. Ive lived with 2 men in my life... My exhusband and my daughters father. My exhusband and I bought a house together... and my daughters father moved in to my house (well we moved in together there too but it was MY house).  
Right now the idea of moving in with him is very appealing... I wouldnt be alone all the time... I would have someone to support me in life. To be there to hold me on those really hard days... someone to help me raise my kids even if nothing more as someone there (in person) for me to talk to about any issues.  
But moving in with someone scares the crap out of me... its one thing to have someone move into my house... Im still in control... I wouldnt be the one out on the street if it ended up not working out...  but me moving myself and 2 kids in with a man is scary... thats something I have to think about...  and I always told myself that I wouldnt live with anyone unless we were at least engaged and had a date set... I dont wanna just go thru the motions of a "family" unless that is def. the end plan. 
I guess part of the biggest thing is I am tired of doing it all alone...   and I have been doing it all alone for the last 3yrs... its tiring.
Right now my life consists of :
I need to get my grass mowed..
I need to finish laundry and have it all put away.
I have dishes that need to be done.
I need to get my back yard cleaned up
I want a swing for the frong of my house
I want a gazebo for my back deck
I have to deal with the flooring and repairs to my house
I have to handle my kids and fight with them and all that on a daily basis.
I have to work 9hrs everyday... come home and spend 2 hrs with my kids and in this time I have too cook dinner and  clean and help with homework or anything else that needs to be done before they go to bed. 
I am just tired of it all.  I wish I could get off work earlier... I wish I had more time and energy to deal with it all. 

I guess over all I am just tired. lol.  and its starting to effect me... being a Mom, being a daughter, being a woman, being a GF...  I have no patience.. I have no desire to do anything after work...  I just feel like my overload button went out... and I need reset! lol.

I so need a vacation! 

and right now I need to go get my son from school.

Just write what I feel

... that is what my boyfriend told me to do today... I told him that I felt like writing.. but I didnt know about what... a lot of my blogs seem to start out like that... I just feel like writing... :-)

Me and my boyfriend B had a great talk last night.... I feel like it brought me closer to him... which is scary... I will admit that I was trying to keep up a wall... cuz I dont want to be hurt anymore... I have delt with enough hurt in just the past 4 years that I dont want to go through it again... but then I also know that if I dont let him in... I will never be able to be happy. So I am.. little by little ... because he is a great guy... one of the best guys I have ever dated.

My hair is bugging me at the moment... I washed it last night, instead of this morning... and now its starting to get greasy and is just clinging to my neck.. and its bugging me! lol. I was thinking about getting it cut... a lot short.. but I also want to let it grow longer... tho the longest my hair has been that I can remember was just past my shoulders and that was about 5yrs ago..

Wow... I cant believe that its been 5yrs since I got divorsed! That still boggles my mind the way that time goes... and its been almost 5yrs since I met Travis... I look back... and so much of my past is focused around that point... The point when I met Travis... and then the relationship that devolped from that point... all the love... the hurt.. the pain.. the lonliness.. the the most precious lil baby girl ever... No man - no... NO ONE has ever hurt me the way that man did. My heart still aches just thinking about it all... I don't want to get into it today... but one good thing I can say tho... is if it wasnt for him... and the pain/lonliness/heartbreak that I felt... I wouldnt be saved... I know everyone always blames God when bad things happen.. when people die, when something horrific happens... but I dont... I know there is a plan behind it all.. I have seen it so much in my own life that it is crazy... sometimes I think you have to be LOW and on your knees to be able to realize that you need God in your life... that you can't do it all alone.. and you never have... God is there... I mean when you are at a high point in your life... do you really call out to God for thanks? for help? to praise?? But whats the first thing you think when you are Low?? why did God let this happen?? maybe so you would call to him once more? Thats my thoughts anyway.

Peys got a detention tonite for being late to school... I feel bad because I know part of it is my fault.. I need to get us up earlier in the mornings... and I have actually started to do that ! yay me! but Pey also has a hard time moving and remembering things in the mornings... so it slows us down a bit to..
I swear I dont know how I did it a couple years ago.. I would get myself up and dress, Pey dress and Sissy dressed in 20minutes!! I can't do that now!!
I need to get Sissy more into dressing herself in the mornings.. Pey was in 1st grade before he started doing it himself. I dont want to go thru that with her.. I want her to be more independent that her brother was. Its amazing how much things change from kid to kid... the more you know I guess! :-)
I got Pey signed up for Little League last week.. so that will be starting in May.. I can't wait.. I love watching him play baseball. I always have such a good time. This will be his first year playing baseball. The last 3 years he's played t-ball.. and he is always been really good. I cant wait to start throwing the ball around to him and helping him with all of that.
I am going to get Sissy signed up for gymnastics hopefully Monday or so. I think she will love it.. She is always bouncing around, doing flips, the splits, and kartwheels... so I think she will be good at it...
Pey was so cute last night.. My mom was talking about reading the bible.. and he was like well I dont read it very often cuz I dont understand things... So my mom told him that he can always ask me or call her with any questions... And he was like and it talked about the s word... My mom asked him ... whats the S word... He spelled it out S-E-X.. lmbo! He was like.. its nasty. LOL!! I was cracking up... My mom said that she hopes he keeps thinking like that till he's 16 or older... I hate to say it... but I dont. Not that I want him to go out and being having sex with all the lil girlys or anything... bbbbuuuutttt... I want him to be a normal teenage boy! I want him to want girls... and have the normal thoughts about them... and I hope that he will feel like he can come to me with any questions or anything in regards to all of that... (tho I have a feeling he wont becuase he is too self consious and afraid of how I would react.. either bad by getting upset.. or laughing cuz I find it funny). I think I knew about sex when I was around 5-6 yrs old.. I dont think I understood it completely.. but I knew... and I first understood about things when I was around 7 or8 because I think that was when I first masterbated.. TMI? lol. but anyway.. change of subject.

i am a little irritated tho... The bday gift I bought for my bf bday is still in processing.. I ordered it Sunday and it hasnt even shipped yet. :-( so I don't think he will get it by his birthday. I am sad now.. I know I should have ordered it earlier.. but honestly I didn't think of this till Saturday night/Sunday morning! I think he will like it anyway... even if it is late!



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Life aint a Fairy Tale...

My best friend and I were talking today about relationships... and life... and pretty much.. it aint nothing like what we thought it would ... nothing like what we seen in the movies...

there aint no happily ever after... there aint no perfect man... there aint no perfect relationship, wife, husband, children, neighbor, job, or life..

I always dreamed of that fairy tale life growning up... where my prince will ride in on a white horse and sweep me off... shower me with love, and gifts, and compliments... will take care of my every need... and in return i do the same... He will be perfect in everyway... We will always get along, and never have any issues... *sigh* it will all be perfect...

I have yet to meet that man.

and I have yet to see that perfection in my relationship let alone my friends relationships...
I think its abusrb that we fill our heads with the ideas that life is so easy and perfect...
there is no perfect little house... theres dust in the corner and dirt under the bed... theres no perfect person... we all have our flaws... theres no perfect relationship.. we are two completely differnt people.. coming together as one... someone will have to comprimise at some point or another... Thats life.

If we expect that fairy tale life all we are doing is setting ourselves up to fail... and I am the prime example of that... me and my ex-husband...
I wanted the perfect life... 2.3 kids, house, cars, good jobs, me only have to work part time, a dog, a cat... no fights, no debt, no worries... Yea it never happened... and because I wanted perfection... I wasnt willing to work to make that relationship work... and instead decided I wanted a party lifestyle... (go figure)... and here I am 5yrs later... still single... still trying to find Mr right to be my husband... but this time.. i know theres no such thing is perfection.. but if I find someone that makes me happy... I will do what I have to do, to make it work.

Emotional Abuse

As I was in the shower tonite... I decided it was time I wrote this post...
I was emotionally abused in a past relationship.

What is emotional abuse?

From: Steve Hein http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#What%20is%20Emotional%20Abuse?


What is Emotional Abuse?
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.
Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.
Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.
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Types of Emotional Abuse
Abusive Expectations
The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.
Aggressing
Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised and "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as learned helplessness.
Constant Chaos
The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.
The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement.
Denying
Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples)
The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.
The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."
When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.
Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.
Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.
Dominating
Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it.
When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.
Emotional Blackmail
The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want.
This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you.
Invalidation
The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient's perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say "You are too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you." Here is a much more complete description of invalidation
Minimizing
Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted.
Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.
Unpredictable Responses
Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.
This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.
An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.
Verbal Assaults
Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening
Excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.
Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.

A man I was completely in love with did this too me.. I didnt even know what it was.. or that there was even a such thing as emotional abuse... and honestly if someone would have told me about it... I wouldnt think too much of it and say... "oh I would never let it happen to me"... but it did... and I didnt even realize it all that much till it was all over and done with... and the sad thing is... I still love this man...

Now I am not saying he is all bad or anything like.. and I dont completely put the blame on him... I believe a lot of how you act as an adult is how you were raised as a child. This man didn't have the best situation growing up... He wasnt raised by either parent and never see a "happy marriage" and how a relationship works. He was raised by an aunt who was single and never dated. He didnt see how a man was to treat a woman... but.. he is also not completely innocent in the whole ordeal... He is still a grown man and can see how his actions can cause hurt and pain.. and he still does them time after time...
I am not writing this to get sympathy or anything like that.. I am writing this for a couple of reasons... one to help me with my healing proces.... I still have a lot of scars that havent healed and they are still reopened from time to time and I still deal with the pain of all of it.. Two, just so that my story is out there.. maybe someone else is dealing with it and doesnt even realize what is going on.. or knows someone... or even is the person that is doing this to someone else and doesnt even realize that what they are doing is hurtful and abusive...

I met this man years ago... and he came into my life exactly when I needed him too.. but I have learned that God seems to work like that... I fell in love with this man... whole heart and all... I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man... and of course he told me the same thing... eventually we moved in together... and as I look back... things just kinda went down hill from there... now dont get me wrong.. there was a lot of wonderful times with this man... and I think that is why I delt with it all as well as I did.

The first thing about this man ... he was possessive... and at the time I didnt realize it... (there are a lot of things that I didnt realize at the time). after me and him started dating... I pretty much stopped talking to most of my friends and a lot of my family... the few family memebers I did still talk with... he always thought I was going to leave him because of what they might tell me... He always thought I was going to cheat on him, find someone better than him, or leave him for whatever other reason... I would get calls/text/emails all day long while we both were at work asking me if I was going to do any of those things.... I of course constantly told him no and tried to reassure him... I understood why he might have some of those thougts because i did cheat on my husband before i met him.... but I was bound and determined NOT to be that person I would not do that again... so in order to prove to him this... I stopped talking and hanging out with most of the people in my life...
The rare times that I see my friends... he gave me the 3rd degree to find out what we did, what was said, etc... and the entire time I would be gone, he would be texting me something...

another thing was that he didnt like to make love to me... becuase of this.. I was always thinking that there was something wrong with me... he didnt find me attractive... he didnt love me... i wasnt good enough... making love to me is more than just the sex... its about the connection.. its about becoming one person... its about having a intimate way to express the love and devotion you have for another person.. so if i had to practically beg for him to make love to me.... it made me feel less of a person. but also.. when we did finally make love... it was so incredible. I would just feel so much love that I would forget about having to beg him... it made me feel like it was worth me feeling like nothing just for that moment of "oneness and love" with him..

He wasnt a lovey touchy feely type person... at least not as much as I wanted him to be. I am. When I am in love with someone I am constantly wanting to show them, express to them, how I feel... if its a hug, a kiss, holding their hands, a look, anything to remind them I love them... When I would try and do this to him... He would push me away... turn his head... or something... now it wasnt all the time... but it was often enuf that it hurt...
Then theres the guilt... The guilt that he didnt have the freinds i did. The guilt of my past.. the guilt of the people in my life (coworkers, family etc) The guilt that I might one day leave him and find someone better. The guilt that I had a life before him... That I shoulnt have ever slept with anyone else.. the guilt that I shouldnt have drank and partied... the guilt that I want to still have part of the life that I had before him... as in going out with my friends and having a good time...

Now again dont get me wrong... he wasnt like this all the time... we had our wonderful moments where he would suprise me with little gifts, or emails or text messages saying how much he loved me and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me...
And I think that is the part I am still stuck on at time.... the part that makes me still love him...
The part of him that is the man I want him to be... but in reality... its not...
I think that is part of the whole emotional abuse.... its the times that a person shows you that they love you unconditionally.. and maybe in their hearts they love you as much as they can... but then the "bomb" is released and your heart, your emotions, and your self esteem are slowly destroyed... but its the love, the "im sorrys" , they u r the only person I want to be with, that makes you love that person so much that you cant see or choose not to see all the warning signs and makes you want to be with that person regardless...

Because of those lows... It makes the Highs... so much more than you feel in a "normal" relationship with any other person... I believe the longer the emotional abuse goes on... the harder it is to have a long lasting normal relationship.. because you compare the highs in the normal relationship to the HIGHS in the abusive one... and it dont compare because you don't have those same lows to go along with it...

Honesty... how much is too much?

Ok.. i have seriously started writing this blog for over a month now... i am goign to finish it...TODAY!

I think of my self as a pretty honest person... at least about me and my past... I will tell you anything and everything about my past... the good.. the bad... and the ugly. There are many parts I am not the proudest of... but becuase of my past and my experiances.. good and bad... I am where I am today... A Christian.

But in a relationship.. can being 100% honest with someone be too much? Telling the person you are with that you kissed this guy, had sex with that guy, had the biggest crush on this one... and you are still friends with them... or still text occassionally... or facebook... Should this be kept secret? Or what if you cheated on a past love? Or that you slept with girls? Or that you tryed to kill yourself?
How much is too much? My friends always constantly tell me I am crazy becuase I am too honest... I have been told if I meet a guy out and about... at a bar, at a store, wherever... the first thing I shouldnt tell him.. is that I have kids. Or I shouldn't admit that I cheated on my ex-husband, or that Ive had sex with this friend or that.

To me honestly is the core foundation of every relationship. And I am the type of person that when I am in a relationship with someone.. be it friendship or more, I want to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth... I want to know everything... because eventually... everything does come out... and I would rather know upfront about something... than to find out down the road from someone else... making me stuck on stupid for not knowing...

I am not planning on ever changing this. I will completely honest with pretty much everyone. I am not saying that everyone I meet will know my whole life story, but I am not going to lie to you about it... And I would hope the same in return for the people in my life.

but I will put this disclaimer in here: if a person give me a reason to feel that I can not be truthfuly honest with them about something... I will avoid the question or the conversation or will "scoot" around the answer... like throwing it back in my face about something, judging me based on something, or using what I say against me.

The point.

It was a great weekend once again... spent wonderful time with my kids and today with my bff.
I was just thinking here (imagine that... me sitting here thinking!) about church today...
I love my church so much! I was looking for a church for so long.... Probably about 3 or 4 years... but mainly the last 2years... After my ex's neice past away... something hit inside me and told me I needed to go to church... But pretty much the effort of me finding a church was me sitting on my couch saying I needed to find a church... Here and there i would go to a new church and that would be about it... I would pray that the Lord would show me what church to go to.... but nothing really happened... And pretty much this is the way it stayed for awhile... Then I met a guy... nice guy... things were great and he told me about the church he went to a while back for bible study... and suggested maybe we go there one sunday... so I said sure... so sunday after sunday passed and we never went. Neither of us (especially him) were morning people... finally one sunday in August I said we were going and with or with out him... i was going to church... so we got up and we went to his church. It was a different service that morning... the youth group just got back from a trip and were telling all about it that morning... so to me it was a good church... but... yea... needless to say we didnt make it up and out of bed again to go to church. Me and him split about a month and a half later... and again I wanted to go to church... but that was about all it was. It just seemed like too big of a task to get two kids up and ready in the morning then have to watch them and make sure they werent getting into trouble and really not even get to pay attention to the service... it wasnt worth it..
So Christmas came around. And I decided that I really wanted to go to church... I was going to go for Christmas eve service no matter what... I changed the plans that I had with my family to go to dinner, a tradition that we have had for many years now, and told them I was going to church. They could come with me or I could meet them afterward, but I was going to church... So that day I emailed two churchs to find out if and when there Christmas eve services were... only one replyed back. My Church. So that is where we went... and I guess you can say the rest is history. I have been going there ever since... and at every service, I feel truely blessed that I found this church... no I cant say that, I feel blessed that God found this church for me. I can see how he brought a man into my life for a purpose (probably one of many) of showing me this church. Introducing me to this church, because I know that if it werent for this man coming into my life, I NEVER would have found it, I wouldnt have gotten baptised last Feb., I wouldnt be going ever Sunday, and I wouldnt be who I am today.
It is amazing to look back and pin point something that God has specifially done in my life!!!
PRAISE GOD!!!

past people...

Its funny how one time... sometime ago.. a certain person... was your friend... you two were almost identical... had the same morals, the same principles, the same ideas, the same goals, the same dreams, wants, desires... etc.... then one day.... it all just stopped... something happened... life happened... you got a mate... you had a baby... you found God... you lost a loved one... something changed in the relationship.. something changed in you or in them... and you both drifted in different directions...

and you look back and miss that person.. miss the relationship that you had with them... and look at you life now.. and look at their life... could you guys possible be friends again... you have such different lives now... but there was once a connection between you two... the same flame burned in your souls... and you have you past together... is that enough...

its amazing how much people can change over time... amazing how their morals, their thought process the things that made you be friend with in the first place can change... or is it you that has changed? or maybe both... it is amazing how at one moment in your life... you had everything in common with a certain person... and now nothing at all...

i have always had the thought taht people come in and out of our life all the time... and everyone in your life has a certain purpose.. you may not ever know what that purpose is... but there is one.. to make you happy... to remind you of good things...to show you bad... to make you weak... to make you stronger... God has a plan for it all...

Certain people in my life... i can almost pinpoint exactly why God brought them to me... and others i wonder why ... what is the purpose of the relationship... but i know there is one...
some of my friends... are true friends... will be there for me no matter what... no matter what stupid choices i make... they are there... for parties... for weddings... for funerals... good times and bad... they are there... then there are party friends... are only there for the good times... the fun times... yea they might toleate a break up with ya... but they wouldnt be there at midnite when you are crying yourself to sleep... but you wanna go out drinking at midnite... they are all for it.. there are the friends that have always been there in your life... but still have come and gone... best friends for a month... then off for a few months.. get a new love interest... and forget you are their friend... they break up... and you are best friends all over again...

I guess you jus have to learn to love everyone in your life... and realize that every person is not you.. and can not be how you want them to be... everyone changes. everyone moves on eventually.. you will too.. dont judge someone because of their faults in your eyes... i am sure you have faults in their eyes too... does that make you any less then them???

Karma

Ok...
I have heard of the whole karma thing.. and what goes around comes around... and I am definetely living proof of that... but how long do i have to pay for my past mistakes???

With my ex husband is when i made most if not all of my huge mistakes...
I cheated on him, i lied to him, and I hurt him severely...
And for the past 3 years... I feel like I am paying for all of those mistakes.

In my last relationship with my daughters father... I was miserable for most of it... (and for some stupid reason... he was my first real true love-stupid i know)...
He would do so many of the things that I did to my ex husband... like make me beg for sex... I rarely ever wanted to have sex when I was with my ex husband... and so we did once in a while... maybe once a week or a little bit more... and it was to please him... With my daughters father... it was about the same... only it was always me initiating having sex with him... me begging him for it... and then I only got it maybe once a week... if i was lucky...
and that is just one example...

so now i am wondering... if everything that i do... going to come back to haunt me... will i always get my ass kicked by karma? because even till this day... i feel like i still am... I still see things that i did to him (the sneekiness, the lying, the makin excuses for things)...
and i know i was a bitch to my ex-husband... and i regret the way i did him and how much i hurt him... but should i have to pay for the rest of my life for those mistakes??

screwiing it up

Ok.. so my boy finally asked me to be his girl friend... and everything was great... then i dunno what happen with me...
I have become so freaking insecure you wouldnt belive... and i am not really sure why.
Over the weekend my boyfriend left his old phone at my house... and i decided to play with it some... and i ended up reading a lot of his old text messages that he sent his ex's before me and him were official... or hell ever really dating dating... but it still upset me a lil bit. and i know it shouldnt have cuz i had sent similar messages to my ex too... so i told him how i felt and we talked about it and we were good..
well last nite we were sitting there and he was listening to a song on his new phone that he just downloaded... and it was a song that he said messaged his ex that it reminded him of her...
should have i gotten upset? it really hurt me. eventually i told him that it was bothering me (after like 20 min of him asking me what was wrong)... and he said that he liked the song before her.. and it was just something that one part reminded him of her at one time.. but it was still his favorite song regardless...
but ever since then.. i feel like now there is this distance between me and him... and i dunno... i am so in love with him... and yet i am so freaking scared of being hurt, being lied to and being cheated on... my ex sure did a number on me... and i didnt realize it till now...
i am trying to trust him.. and not think the way that i am thinking right now... but its hard...

am i wrong for thinking the way that i am? should i trust him? what should i do?