Happy New Year!

Well as we say Good bye to 2009 and hello to 2010... it time for me to over think and reminisce about the past year...
As weird as it is... a lot of things have happened.. and yet in someways I still feel like I am right back where I was this time last New Years...

Lets see all that has happened in 2009...

Started going to church at Harvest Ridge :-)
Got baptised.
Turned 27 :-)
Became closer to my best friend and then eventually started dating... then back to being friends.
Started going to Life Group.
Got one step closer to gettin away from an ex.
Helped my sister move to Columbus
Started with Tastefully Simple
Had to deal with situations that weren't pleasant.. but turned out alright
Met some really great people.

Over the past year... my mentality has changed tho... I have focus more on my relationship with the Lord... and there was a time where I took my focus off that and moved it on to worldly things... but its back on the Lord and I think is stronger than ever.

I say I am in the same place as I was last year because I am still single... still struggling day to day with many thing... bills, kids, work, life... and I was hoping by this time I would have found someone.. but that is not in Gods plans just yet... but I do know that he has a great man out there for me.. its just a matter of time.. HIS time.. not mine...

My new years resolution is to move forward in my life... to quit turning around and focusing on things from my past... past love, past hurt, past mistakes, past rewards... I need to focus on God and the future... there is too many issues from my past that I take with my day to day... and I need to stay away from all of that and focus on my future and the plan that God has for me... I am not really sure what that is or where exactly I am going... but I have faith and it will be all good because it will be in the Lord.

So heres too 2010 being the best year yet... focusing on the Lord in all you do... Praise HIM for all.. good and bad. dont expect every prayer to be answered.. but for the right prayers to be answered... He knows what he is doing... He sees the bigger picture in ways you cant even imagine... Better your relationship with the Lord... even if it just starts with an "im sorry"

God Bless you and yours in 2010!

Christmas

Christmas this year was absolutely wonderful!
The kids has so much fun.. and this year was just so great!! God truely blessed us this year!!!

Christmas Eve I had to work till 1230 then I went over to Grandma Barbs. My dad and bobbi were already there with the kids and my brother. The kids were pretty good before I got there and amazingly they still were good after I arrived... We had dinner and both of them ate pretty good. After that we opened the gifts and they def. were spoiled. So many wonderful toys from Nani and Papa and Grammy Barb. My brother I think had a great time to.. and was really good too. (i am so happy my dad didnt get upset over anything major!)
After that we hurried to get to church for Christmas eve service... of couse we were about 10 minutes late... and all the seats were full. luckily they put out a couple more and me and the kids sat down... it was a nice service.. but just didnt seem like a normal service... i dunno.. something didnt feel right. After that I met P's dad and P went with his dad for the night. Then me and S went off to red lobster to meet my mom and stepdad-ken and my brother for dinner... It was a very nice dinner. S wanted to sit right next to grampy so that way she could sneek sips of his hot tea from time to time. lol.
After that we went to my moms house and opened a couple gifts.. My brother got a new recliners... and of course the box became the fav thing for Serenity to play in! lol. the box was huge!! i could even go in there and sit up perfectly fine.
After that we went home and went to bed... The next day we pretty much just layed around for a bit... One of my good friends's mom (whom is also one of my good friends) stopped by and gave us a fruit basket... she is such a sweetheart... when she arrived there were gifts on my back porch from santa... i am still not sure who dropped them off for us... but it was def. well appreciated and a Gift from God. We went and picke up Pey and came back home. Travis- Sissy's dad was there waiting for us... so we opened all of the gifts... the kids loved it.. I think Sissys fav gift was the cd player with microphone i got her... Peys i think was the ds games he got. :-) After that we went over to my mom and ate a wonderful dinner.. and i didnt eat all day just waiting for her dinner...its always so good... when dinner was over we opened all of the wonderful gifts from everyone... it was an absolutely wonderful day.
We finally got home around 830 or so... and decided to just lay around and watch a movie.. all of us in our snuggies... it was really nice.! :-)
Saturday my stepsister and her fiance suprised everyone and came in from Baltimore, so we once again went over to Grandma Barbs and had dinner and opened gifts there. Pey was with his day so it was just me and sissy.. she loved all they got her... Pey opened the gifts from them on Sunday.. and loved them.. he got all bakugans! he was so excited!!!


A wonderful Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas

Well its 10pm on Christmas eve and I am sitting here on the computer instead of trying to go to sleep. I know tomorrow will be another long day...

Today was a wonderful day. I was very blessed that I was able to get off work early and able to go and spend the day with my Dad and Stepmom and Step-Step Grandma and brother and of course my kids... then i got to spend the evening with my mom, my stepdad and my brother and my daughter... ( my son was with his father already).

When I was on my way to the restaurant to meet my mom and stepdad.. I was thinking about how wonderful this holiday... How wonderful it is that God cared enough about us to send us his son to save us... to give us hope. And it made me think about all the people out there that think this holiday means nothing... or that its just about santa and getting gifts and food and all the commercialization that has become of Christmas... We dont even say Merry Christmas anymore... its Happy Holidays... its not longer Christmas break.. its winter break... We as humans keep trying to "make everyone happy" and lose the whole Christmas spirit... yet.. if t wasnt for the birth of our Lord SAVIOR Jesus Christ... would there be a holiday to celebrate? or would the 25th of December just be another day that we happen to get together as a family?
why cant we keep Christ in this holiday with out worrying if we offend anyone?? yet dont believe it to be offensive to anyone if we say "Happy Holidays" . Personally, I dont find that offensive... but I am sure that there is somone out there that does... would you care enough to not say it to them?? And at what point will it become that we cant wish anyone any type of holiday greeting with out offending them?? and at what point will we be wrong for celebrating Jesus in any fashion?? is that really what this planet is going to come to??

on a selfish note.... after I came home from all the busyness of today... i started having my own selfish feelings rise up in me... the devil got ahold of my emotions... and brought me down... turned my thoughts over to the fact that I once again am "alone" on Christmas eve... I am still not married... this will be my 3rd Christmas spending it "alone" with my children... neither of their fathers here with us to celebrate... No man here to help me with gifts... or even just to snuggle up on the couch watching a movie waiting for the little ones to go to sleep so we could bring out the "santa gifts" ... Instead I have to do it all by myself...
But I need to realighn my focus... focus on the fact that I am not what this time of year is about... My own selfish wants and needs are not important... God has already blessed me with 2 wonderful lil children that love me and i love them even more... that God has blessed me in more ways than I will ever deserve... and that He has a man out there planned for me... He is still moulding me and that man to be perfect for each other... I know that God has a plan for me and right now that plan is for me to be single... to focus on Him, my walk with him, on my kids and to keep my eyes, my ears and my heart open up to the Him... I need to focus on HIM. period. and that is what this time of year is for...
Tomorrow is not just another holiday in the year... Its not just another birthday of someone whos been long dead and forgotten... Tomorrow is the start of a life... and because of that life... we have hope... we. have. hope... we have a savior... we can be forgiven.

The Weekend

It was a pretty good weekend... tho I didnt get done with everything that I really wanted to... OH WELL.. not a big deal.
Friday night we went to dinner as usual with my mom and stepdad. it was a little odd because my brother wasnt there.... We went to Golden Corral.. which is lil mans fav place to go... (all you can eat ice cream)... The kids had fun... they both ate way too much ice cream... and pey couldnt handle all that sugar... so by the time we left he was super duper hyper... Ren was a lil hyper too.. just going off and doing her own thing... After dinner we went to Home Depot then back to my parents... then home.
Once we got home we watched a movie and I colored my hair (tho it didnt turn out right). We all snuggled on the couch together and then off to bed...
Saturday we watch a little tv and then I started bringing down all of the Christmas tree decorations along with the tree... ugh i hate having to do all that... not looking forward to putting it all back up in the attic either! But we got the tree up and Pey helped decorate it.
Later in the day we went over and hung out with my dad and a couple of his friends for a bit... I was so amazed at how good Pey was the entired time we were there... I was in awe. After we left there.. it was a really bad storm. I had promised him that I would take him to rent a movie.. but the roads were really bad.. so I just took him and Ren up to the gas station and let me each get a candy bar... we went home after that and watched a movie and both kids passed out by the time the movie started.
Sunday we didnt go to church.. i felt bad for not going.. but really didnt want to fight with the kids... and i had a headache and i was being lazy :-( we mainly just laid around most of the day.. I finished a gift for my step mom tho! so i was super happy about that... In the evening we went to my moms for dinner and then I took pey to go rent a movie... he got wizards of waverly place.. it was a really cute movie!!! then it was off to bed... pey in my bed.. ren on the couch... who eventually about 2am was in my bed too...

Its almost Christmas!!!

Our Christmas pictures! the bottom was is being sent out with our Christmas cards... (which wont be sent out till after Christmas since I don't acutally get paid till Christmas day again!)

This past weekend I finished up all of my Christmas shopping... I just need to get all the little stocking stuffers and possibly get a small gift for Princess's daddy.

I tried to stick to a small budget this year... which I did go over.. but not too too bad.. so I am happy about that, and most of it isnt on a credit card! So wahoo for that since I am still paying off last Christmas. Tho I am sure there will be a few people disappointed this year ( a 3 and 7 yrold in paticular) but they will have a good Christmas non the less... I need to go out and get a couple more things for my mom from my brother. My dad and stepmom gave me some money to get her a few things... so I am trying to do that during my lunch.

Tomorrow my son's class is having a small party.. which i think i am invited ( i need to email the teacher and double check) so I will be taking my lunch to go and do that. And I have a gift from Christmas last year of Serenity's that I want to take up to the Not Forgoten Box at the Chronicle since it was never opened and never played with.

This weekend coming up, I am planning on getting my Christmas tree up, making a ginger bread house with the kids, taking all their old toys up to the Salvation Army, organize and clean the house, finish up a gift for my step mom that shoulda been finished oh... about 6months ago... and then friday and saturday night... movie nights with the kids... :-)

I hope I can actually get it all done!!!

Your Life and your addiction to social media....

I can say that I am slightly addiction to facebook and twitter. Definetely more so to twitter, but facebook is my life saver during the day... Its my break for sanity at work... (*gasp she goes on it at work?!*). Yes, I admit I am on-line while I am at work... I need a break from the quoting, and the calls and the customers... I need to see other "people" and their daily goings on... and the way I figure...I dont smoke. So this is my "cigarette break" :-) anywho...
I was thinking last night about how many people on facebook, twitter, myspace, blogs, etc... put their business out there. When they are fighting with their best friends- they say so in their status update message. When their husband didnt pick his socks up from the bedroom floor- they tweet. When their kids are yelling and screaming- they blog. I want to ask... when is it too much?
My mom told me many years ago that when her and my father got divorsed... No one in her family could believe it.. She never told them the stories of anything that went on in their relationship. You didn't air your dirty laundry. Period.
Now adays (and I am completely guilty of it... tho I try and not name names when I am upset about something and decide to blog, update status, tweet, etc... about it... I just used generalities) we have no shame, we will at the first hint of anger, hurt, fear whatever... will call a person out on any social media site!
Now I completely understand people blog about their family... I do too. I have another blogsite that I do this thru... but I also have very few people that know about this blog, because it is where I go to vent my issues that I may be having. I also tweet. I joke and say twitter is my sanity... but sometimes it is... when I am having a bad day, fighting with my kids, am heart broken, frustrated, whatever... I will tweet... and tweet like crazy sometimes... and tho I may have 230 followers... very few of them are people I know in "real life". And I also make sure I dont use real names when I tweet...
Why do we feel like we have put all of our business about how horrible things are in our life... our husbands, our jobs, our kids, etc... Are we trying to make everyone feel sorry for us? Are we doing it so that way if we do something else (cheat, divorse, quit, yell, hit etc)
Some things are ment to stay between you and your family/close friends.... Not with 120 people you knew from highschool/family/and complete strangers.
I know I am completely guilty of this too... I tell more than I should about things that I don't need to be.... but maybe before posting that next update... ask yourself... do I really need to post this???

kids, sex, and birth control

I was having a talk with one of my friends the other night... She is a Christian... Her husband left her a few years ago for another woman... and she is raising a 13yr old daughter all by herself. The dad... is gone... he doesnt want anything to do with the family now. Anywho... I was talking with her and we were talking about kids having sex. (obviously before marriage)
She said she was thinking about IF her daughter came to her and said that she was having sex... she would immediately get her on some sort of medical birth control (pill, patch, ring etc). And have a talk with her about sex, (again) the risks, and God. But she would definetely put her on birth control... just in case.
She was telling me her reasoning behind this.... if her daughter is willing to go out and have sex at least once.... there is a chance that she might do it again... (boys are very persuassive) and she would rather her be protected so there would be no unwanted pregnancy. Her cousin found out a month or so ago that their daughter had been having sex, got pregnant, and had an abortion... all with out her mothers knowledge. She found out from the mother of her daughters friend. The mother overheard the girls talking and called shortly afterward. She had told the mom that if it were her daughter, she would want to know. The cousin confronted her daughter about it and she just said that she was scared. She was 16 and wasnt ready for a baby and knew that they definetely couldnt afford to raise a kid. So she thought this was best. She hated herself for it, but didnt know what else to do.
My friend doesn't want be put in this same situation...
So I asked my friend... Dont you think that putting her on birth control (that can fail~i have proof!!) is kinda like saying.... well, i dont want you to do it... but here go ahead.

What is the right thing to do? In todays soceity more and more youth are having sex younger and younger... I was one of them. I was also one of the very lucky ones and didn't get pregnant till I was an adult (or mostly) and had a full time job and was able to take care of my son. (I also had a great boyfriend who stayed with me and was a great father and still is). But what is the right thing to do? Prepare them in every possible way... show them right from wrong... tell them what the bible says...what God says... but also prepare them for IF they decide to go out and do it too? I honestly don't know the right answer... I don't know what I am going to do when I am faced with that situation... What do you think is right? If it were your daughter... what would you do?

Sarah

I was reading the bible last night. I decided to read about Sarah and Abraham...
And some of the things... I just couldnt believe...
Her husband let her be taken away from him twice... He asked her to lie for him, to say he was her brother (which wasnt untrue) so that he wouldnt die. But because of this she was taken away from him and because a wife of another man!!! And this didn't happen just once but twice!!! I can only imagine how I would feel if my husband was so selfish to give me to another man for his pleasure just to save himself!!! Yet, Sarah did as Abraham said. She was returned to Abraham both times because God intervened. Abraham had no faith in the Lord so he lied and had his wife lie for him.
Another part of their "love" story is where Sarah thinking and again not trusting the Lord that she will never bare him a child so she had her husband sleep with her maidservant so that he would get her pregnant and he would have a son. He obeyed and slept with another woman.

Could you imagaine in this day of age... staying with a man that would be willing to sacrifice his wife on more than one occasion to save himself... then he sleeps with another woman and has a child by this woman... all of this because of their lack of faith in the Lord.

I can only imagine Sarah's self worth during all of this. In society today if these things were to happen... We would tell Sarah she deserves better... we would tell her to move on with her life... she doesnt need to stay around for that. She should just divorse him and be done... The marriage aint worth anything...

We tell people that all the time now for less... A man lies to you about going to get a drink after work... and everyone say you cant trust him- divorse... A woman spend too much money shopping and lies to you about it... cant trust her- divorse. You aren't happy with your husband/wife becuase they dont show you they love you enough, they dont pick up after themselves, they dont clean, they dont.. they dont.. they dont... Divorse!!

Whatever happened to trying to work thru your problems... You are husband and wife. You took a vow to God to be married... Death do you part. Why is that so hard now adays... Why do we always take the easy way out of every situation. Why do we have so little faith in our Lord that we would rather just give up and start over...
How easy it would have been for either Sarah or Abraham to just give up... say screw it.. run away from the problem and start over "a new" but where would be today with out them??

him

Ive tried... but now I really do think its time to move forward... I have been stuck on him for so long... too long... and have had to endure so much pain... so much hurt... and I know its made me a better person... but really? why do I keep going back to that?

I look at him and I am starting to see him better.. see him for him. who he really is.. He is selfish. He is selfcentered.. He cares more about himself than anyone in his life including his own flesh n blood...

The more I look at him, the more I see him, the more I talk to him, watch him and hear him talk... the more I realize he aint the man I want to spend my life with... I would never truely be happy. Not in the way that I want.
He could be a friend... but nothing more.

I worry that I will never love another man as strongly as I love him... but I know one day I will... I will always have a love for him, but one day when I meet the man that God has intended for me, I will fall in love farther than I ever thought possible.

I can never be truely happy or truely satisfied with him. He is not a man of God and the more I am around him the more that I see that... I see the way he mocks me, the way he judges me, and they way that no matter what I do, say, look, smell or anything... Its never enough for a simple compliement... unless he wants something...

I told him I would give him till the end of the year... and its fast approaching... I know he wont change so I dont know why I even give him the chance to just hurt me... but I will give him that chance... if he doesnt make the one thing I asked of him by then... I will completely walk away.. and NOT LOOK BACK this time...

Because I deserve better than what he can give me!

12/8/09

Yesterday was a better day... mostly!
My mom picked up both kids from school and the sitter... then I went over her house for dinner after work... Pey was wild and crazy of course as soon as I showed up... but was an angel before I got there... I had to fight with him to finish his homework. I told him that if he didnt finish tho that we weren't going to go to the mall to play or to jump. (they have a bungee jump thing there that he and his sister love to do). So finally after a bit of fighting with me.. He sat down and did his homework... I tried to help him with some of it.. but honestly I hadnt a clue on parts... ugh!!! My son is so literal too...it is annoying... My mom made meatloaf for dinner and Pey loves it normally. Well tonite he decided he didnt want any of it and wouldnt eat it... My mom told him he loves her meat loaf.. he said yea but thats not they way you normally make it.. my stepdad told him that its the same meat loaf she always makes... my son...literal lil boy... says no thats not the same meat loaf... that would be nasty if we ate the same meat loaf as the last time! eeewww... my step dad said she made it the same way she always does... my son said she doesnt always make meat loaf... we have other things for dinner than meatloaf!!! so frustrating sometimes!!!!

Finally got everything ate.. and homework finished... so we went to the mall.. On the way there Pey read Sissy an Ameila Bedilia book... they both loved it...
Then they played at the play ground in the mall with the other kids... and had a lot of fun... then we went and did the jumpy thing...
Overall i think it was a great night!

12/07/09

yesterday was a really hard day for me.
it was a long day at work. but I was really looking forward to going to bible study/life group afterward. my mom was going to watch the kids so I could focus completely on the life group. Normally when we are there the kids are all over me and I am constantly paranoid that they are going to spill something or make a mess! So not having them there was going to be a treat! Well when I get over to my dads to pick up Pey, they tell me that he was acting a fool over there.. yelling and screaming and of course my dad has absolutely no patience when it comes to him so I am sure he was yelling at Pey most of the time. And when I got there Pey had not calmed down any. I asked him to do something and he would argue with me. I tell him to do something and he would still argue with me. It got to the point where I just told him to get his coat and shoes on and go out to the car... he finally did... Me and Sissy gave hugs and kisses and left. We got out to the car and I told Pey that if he didnt start acting better and listening that I was taking him to bible study with me and he wasnt going to get to stay with Grammy and bake cookies.. Sissy heard this and got all excited "bake cookies with grammy?!"
We get to my moms house and nothing changed with Pey. We sat down to dinner and Pey says hes not hungry he had two bowls of ceral at Nani and Papis. Fine whatever but I still made him sit down at the table with us. Things just got worse... He couldnt sit still... and wanted to argue about everything. I told him then that he needed to go and get his shoes and coat on because we were leaving as soon as I got finished eating. He started crying. NO NO NO. i dont want to go i will be good I promise.. I told him he said that when we were in the car... and he should have been being good. He didnt so he was going to come with me... More fighting screaming running from me. I was at my wits end! I didnt know what else to do. It was a battle of power and I wasnt going to lose. period. finally my mom stepped in and said we needed to take a break and calm down. i got mad and stormed out of the house ( i know so childish) but I felt like she was trying to take his side (as i feel she does a lot). So I went out and sat in my car for a moment. I went back in told both kids to get their coats on we were going home... I was too upset and now late to go to bible study and pey wasnt going to get to stay at Grammys. We all were going to go home now... Finally everything listened. Pey just walked out to the car. I told him as soon as we got home- he was going straight to his room. I had to run back over to my dads becuase Pey left his homework folder over there. When I got there we couldnt find it and after talking to my Stepmom- I found out that the homework he did wasnt actually his homework. I realized then, he didnt bring home his homework.... so I went back to the car and asked him... he said that he left it at school.. So I asked him why he lied to me. He said he didnt. I told him I asked when I picked him up if he did his homework... He said he did. I told him that was lying. He said well i did do my homework.. you didnt ask if i did it all. I said i shouldnt have to ask if you did it ALL. That is known. and that he was going to have to write 35 sentences when he gets home for lying along with staying in his room... He didnt say anything. We got home and he went right to his room with out a fight. Sissys dad came over for a few minutes to drop of some meat he wants me to cook us for dinner this week... After he left Sissy went and had a bowl of cereal and watched a movie... Pey finished his sentences and asked if he could have a bowl of cereal too he was really hungry...

Dating

I have come to realize... that since me and my ex-husband split up almost 5yrs ago... Pretty much every man I have dated has some major flaw. Cheating, lying, drugs, etc...
I am starting to think that sub-consciously, I am looking for a man with flaws... Maybe I am trying to punish myself for divorsing my husband. Maybe I feel that is all I deserve.
I dont know... it just sucks..
Its been 5 years... and I still am single and alone. And now trying to raise 2 kids on my own.
I deserve a good man. But I know it has to seem like a lot to man... and maybe that is why I only attract losers!
I am an instant family... just add the man... That is a lot for some men to handle I am sure...
Two kids... two baby daddies... and a Mom who's used to handling it all... all the time...

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Another Thanksgiving

This weekend we had another Thanksgiving dinner. Since my dad was in the hospital on Thanksgiving we decided to have it this weekend instead and also to have it my house...

One bad thing... is that my son was with his dad this weekend so he didnt get to be here for it... It was really nice my dad and step mom were here, my grandma barb, and a couple of my dads best friends... and then of course me and sissy.

My stepmom brought all of the food and just finished everything up here... In the middle of dinner my sister showed up to suprise everyone.. She lives about 2hrs away and doesnt come up all that often..

After dinner we all sat down to watch UP! It was really nice... First time we have ever done anything like that...

Over all it was a great day.

Today we went to church and then have just been lazy all day... I am about to go and pick up Pey from his dads and then go over to my moms for dinner... :-)

Here are some pics from Sissys 3rd bday last week... Ok it posted at the top of the page instead.. hhmm....

to post pics or not

I am debating back and forth in my head if i should post pics of my kids up on my blog...
Part of me doesnt want to put my kids out on the internet like that.. but then part of me wants to share all the cuteness that my kids are... So I am not really sure what to do...

What are you opinions?

The pros and cons of posting pics of my kids up on my blog?

raising a boy

I have come to the conclusion... I have no idea how to raise a boy!
The machine gun noices... the armpit farting... the constant wanting to wrestle.. to argue... to dominate every situation... all drives me insane!!!
I know what to do with my daughter... but when it comes to my son... I am frustrated!
A single mom.. going insane!

Honesty... how much is too much?

Ok.. i have seriously started writing this blog for over a month now... i am goign to finish it...TODAY!

I think of my self as a pretty honest person... at least about me and my past... I will tell you anything and everything about my past... the good.. the bad... and the ugly. There are many parts I am not the proudest of... but becuase of my past and my experiances.. good and bad... I am where I am today... A Christian.

But in a relationship.. can being 100% honest with someone be too much? Telling the person you are with that you kissed this guy, had sex with that guy, had the biggest crush on this one... and you are still friends with them... or still text occassionally... or facebook... Should this be kept secret? Or what if you cheated on a past love? Or that you slept with girls? Or that you tryed to kill yourself?
How much is too much? My friends always constantly tell me I am crazy becuase I am too honest... I have been told if I meet a guy out and about... at a bar, at a store, wherever... the first thing I shouldnt tell him.. is that I have kids. Or I shouldn't admit that I cheated on my ex-husband, or that Ive had sex with this friend or that.

To me honestly is the core foundation of every relationship. And I am the type of person that when I am in a relationship with someone.. be it friendship or more, I want to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth... I want to know everything... because eventually... everything does come out... and I would rather know upfront about something... than to find out down the road from someone else... making me stuck on stupid for not knowing...

I am not planning on ever changing this. I will completely honest with pretty much everyone. I am not saying that everyone I meet will know my whole life story, but I am not going to lie to you about it... And I would hope the same in return for the people in my life.

but I will put this disclaimer in here: if a person give me a reason to feel that I can not be truthfuly honest with them about something... I will avoid the question or the conversation or will "scoot" around the answer... like throwing it back in my face about something, judging me based on something, or using what I say against me.