Thursday, June 25, 2009
it was ironic. I watched during the week that I had a date (first in about 3 months) and he cancelled on me. I was hurt, self esteem knocked down slightly... and I was reacting just like a typicall girl. lol. Before he actually cancelled on me. I text him in the morning, just to make sure we were still on for the night.... no reply... So being the girl that I am... I go to my friends:
What should I do?
Should I keep texting him?
Should I call him?
Then when he finally did text back ( 7hrs later) he said: oh yea- i have to reschedule. that was it... and I havent heard from him since... my reply: oh. that sucks... dang and I got a sitter for nothing. oh well. hope everything is ok. I didnt take the advise of my friends on that... They said i should tell him to f* off, go to hell etc...
And then of course the support:
He's just an asshole.
You can do better than him.
He's probably married.
He probably has a girl friend.
He' proably gay.
He's not worth it.
You are too good of a person for him.
Why can't it be, that maybe he just doesn't like me the way I liked him?
Why does it have to be that there must be either something wrong with me or with the guy, if we just dont have a mutual feeling on each other.
Some people just dont click.
And some people feel a "spark" when the other doesn't.
It doesn't mean you are any less of a person, less beautiful, less smart, less attractive, less anything... It just means... you weren't the "one" he's looking for. (and there will come a time when roles are reversed and he wont be the "one" you are looking for.)
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I will apologize now for any errors in this.. i am on my laptop and I suck at typing on it and it kinda pausing while I type becuase apparently its slow and I type way too fast...
I have been going thru a little bit of a struggle for the past few weeks... I know its the work of the devil... it started about 3 weeks ago... on a sunday. I woke up to get ready for church like I do every sunday... got up , showered, got my daughter up and dressed... and of course I dressed too. I sat down on the chair for a minute before getting up to leave... and I was just so tired... It felt like there was someone with roped tied to me just pulling me down. So I ended up not going, taking my daughter to my fathers for a few hours and came home and slept.
The following week, I could feel myself changing... back to the "old me", thinking things I shouldnt, feeling things I shouldnt, and trying to control my life and not wait for God to handle things...
I went to my wed. bible study... but only because it was a memebership class. honestly if it wasnt. I wouldnt have went.
The week was filled with a lot of down points... but I tried to not let them bring me down.
~the crush I had on the I-T guy that I was going to let God handle... well I was impatient... and I pursued him... only to have him blow me off... God took care of it... it never was ment to be.
~ the date that I had on Sat. God took care of it... it wasnt ment to be.
Then Sunday came around... and I was planning on going to church... and again I decided not to go. I hung out with my best friend all morning.
Then I went on vaca and missed bible study. But it was a great week... Good thoughts... but didnt study like I should...
I did go to church on Sunday... finally. And I cried... I was so down. So depressed... and I hadnt realize it, till that moment. I started realizing how the devil was pulling me away from God... and thats why I felt the way I did... empty.
So now, I am trying to get back with God... I need to read the bible more. I need to make sure NO MATTER WHAT i got to church, bible study, etc. Surround myself with good people.
Friday, June 12, 2009
~ when I am tired, I dont think straight or rationally
~ at the moment... my mind is blank
~ that I need to quit trying to control my life and let God do it.
~ I am not sure why Iave some of the feelings that I do.
~ that sometimes a uy just isnt into you... that it doesnt mean that there is something wrong with you... it just means you aint right for him...
~ that the above line is a har concept for a lot of people to understand all the time (me included)
~ that if everyguy was into everygirl- noone would be single men at all.
~ that it seems that friends you make in 7th & 8th grade last longer than from any other time period
~ that I have been pushing myself a lot this week
Friday, June 5, 2009
~ I suck at doing this! lol.
~ that I have a weak bladder
~ that God is teaching me patience
~ I do not like automated voicemails- apparently i talk too softly
~ that God is testing me-pushing me- to make me stronger
~ that when I start to think of a "new man" that my ex shows up and wants me back
~ that my job is enitrely too cold
~ that i have a hard time paying attention and get distracted too easily
~ that people with out kids just dont always understand people with kids
~ that everyone expects me to have no life
~ that everyone expects me to reply to their messages asap, but dont think theres an issue if it takes them hours or days to reply to mine.
Monday, June 1, 2009
I can see more and more everyday with different situations where God is teaching me patence. I am learning... slowly... to be more patient...
Growing up, my mom used to warn me all the time about praying for patience because if you did the Lord would give you a situation where your patience would be tested even farther. And for the longest time, I couldnt understand that. Why shouldn't I pray for something that I am seeking... Why would God punish me for praying for something by making life harder?! But I think I understand it now... when I prayed for patience, God answered. but not in the way that I thought He was going to. He gave me a harder situation. But he didnt do it to be cruel, as a punishment, or like He was saying "ahaha... u shoulda been happy with the situation that you had and learn to be patient then", He did it to make me stronger... to push me to my limits, so that when I would be put in another situation~ I would have patience.
I am learning that now. He is teaching me to be patient in life..
Psalms 37:7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes. (NIV)
My ex. lol. Last week, I didnt talk to him for 3 days. Which is very odd... Normally he texts me almost everyday... and he didnt... I started to worry that he was alright etc.. but honestly I really didnt want to text him. I am trying to stay away from him. Not call, not text, not invite him over. If he calls or text ill respond... but thats it... (which is another hard lesson im learning to do- keep my mouth shut)... so days went by and nothing... I really wanted to call him, especially late at night when my thoughts and emotions seem to catch up with me but I put the whole situation into God's hands. I was patient... and finally I talked to him and everything was alright... i worried for nothing....
There is a gentleman that I find attractive, and have a small crush on. I see him once a week if that. But I dont want to make the first move with him, yet I do because I am impatient. I would like to at least go and have coffee with him to get to know him, but honestly I don't even know how he feels about me. So I am being patient. I am leaving it in God's hands. When the time is right (if it ever is) this gentleman will make a move in some way... and this is so hard because in most situations... I will make the first move if I like someone... but I know also that I have issues, my heart is not yet mended from my past so I am trust in my Lord with this situation. His Will, will be done... I will not be impatient and ruin something before it has even began... Its in His hands...
And i know it shouldnt be hard to put the worry and the anxiousness and the outcome of life in God's hands, it is for me. Its hard for me to just let things be and wait and be patient. But I know that the Lords will, will be done, no matter what I do as a mere human. I need to remember that is all that I am... a human. God's creation. He's the one incontrol. Not me. Things happen on His time, not mine.