Saturday, December 31, 2016

Our Christmas

I hate to say it, but I am thankful that this Christmas is over and that this year is almost over. 

This has been one hell of a year. I am trying to think of all the great things that have happened, but sometimes its hard. 

This Christmas was exceptionally hard for me, more than people know. I tried to put on a good front for the kids, but deep down inside I am broken. 

This is the first Christmas with out my dad being here. The first Christmas that he, my brother, and my step-grandma didn't come over for dinner and to open gifts together. Dealing with being heartbroken and everything else that was going on was almost too much. 

One week before Christmas, my car completely broke down. Wouldn't start. When we tried to jump it- the jumper cables caught on fire. Had to have it towed home then towed to the dealership to have it looked at- alternator is bad, battery is bad, serpantine belt is bad. Over $1000 worth of work.  God did bless us though. My mom bought me the battery as a Christmas gift. My husbands uncle offered to buy the alternator and serpantine belt for us and we can just pay him back when we have the money. He also put both of those on for me. 

So between the stress of that and trying to figure out how each of us was to get to work for a week, figuring out how to get money for repairs, and trying to figure out how we were going to buy Christmas gifts for our kids... and the fact that I was already depressed thinking about my dad. I didn't enjoy this Christmas as much as I have in the past. 

I know my father was there with us in spirit. I know he is watching down and smiling as all my kids opened their gifts and laughed at Madybear as she wanted to open everyones gifts. 

I know in years it will get easier. Still Sucks though. 

I hope everyone had a wonderful and blessed Christmas!! 

Blessing N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Renbug turns 10!!!

Where has the time gone!!?? 

Seriously! When did my first baby girl become 10years old!!!  Oh yea.. just yesterday. 

She is seriously so amazing!!  She has is my best friend and I hope that I am hers. She was my sole partner in crime, my inspiration, and my rock.  Because of her (and my son and my other girls) that I strive to be better. 

But it is because of her that I go above and beyond to make things work... to make up for the fact that her father is barely in her life.  

She has taught me so much in the past 10 years... She has shown me how strong I am. 

Thank you Renbug!

You are an amazing, beautiful, girl!! 

You will always be my baby girl! 

I love you! 

Blessings N Love 
Overthinking Mama 

Rambles and such

I have been wanting to post for forever.  

It always seems that as soon as I sit down to start writing, my mind just goes blank and my fingers just can't seem to move across the keyboard. So then I log out and go onto something else. 

My life motto seems to be anymore "Ready for the day to be done". 

I hate wishing my life away. I just so feel like I am stuck in a rut. Like I am in a big mud pit and my wheels just can't get traction. 

I feel like I am going through all the motions of every day life... but I just can't break free from this... this... plastic bag over my head... that I am slowly suffocating in. 

I don't know what to do or how to stop it.  

So many things in my life are not how I ever expected them to be right now. 

The one thing I know is that God has a plan for me... still not sure exactly what it is... but I know He's got one. I know that He loves me and is always with me through everything that I am going through. 

My husband keeps telling me that he  doesn't think I have full accepted my dad passing.. or that I have fully grieved.  Its like, I have greived as much as I can. I miss him terribly. I know he's not coming back.. it don't fully seem real, but I know it is. Death is a part of life.  But I can't stop for a moment to grieve.  I can't even get a day off to be sick with out the house falling apart lol.  I can't allow myself to wallow is sadness and depression... and that is super hard. 

I am depressed. I am on meds and they help tons, but I am still depressed. I think that is part of the reason that I feel the way I do... like I am stuck in a rut... because its like I am always in this thick fog of depression. And I don't know maybe its as bad as it is because of my dad passing... but I really think there is a lot more too it. 

This has been the first Major Holiday with out my dad. It was really hard.  Normally the day after Thanksgiving I had my dad and our grandma over for dinner. I cook a big turkey with all the fixins. And this year I just didn't do it.  I had to work anyway... but I just don't think I could do it. On my facebook time line it keeps showing me the pics of my dad at thanksgiving at my house. Its sad. I miss him a lot. 

I feel like, if I could just get a day or two alone... at home...  no kids, no husband- just me. And I could clean, organize, purge, nap, rest, be with God.... that maybe my mind and my heart with get aligned a little bit better and I could get out of this fog...  But that is not going to happen any time soon... so I just have to make due with what I get. 

Anywho... I need to get to work and get things done. 

Thank you for listening to me ramble on... 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Dear Daddy 10/22/16

Its been over 2 months since you passed.

It still doesn't seem real.

We have your house almost all cleaned out now.... and every time I leave, a little piece of my heart breaks more.

I still want to call you and tell you things.. I still want to cook a ton of food because I will bring you the left overs.

I have brought home a bunch of your things... so I have little reminders of you all over my house.

It still doesn't seem real..

I miss you so much dad.
Why did you have to leave so soon... I know you were ready. You were tired and always in pain. I know you are in a better place now... I know you are with your wife and your family.

Not a days goes by that I don't miss you... that I dont think about you.

I love you daddy.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Rain Rain

Its a rainy Saturday morning here. The breeze is cool and it smells lovely!

PeyPey is at his dads for the weekend and hubby is at work, so its just me and the girls right now.
Madybear is still sleeping, Lilybee is playing with a toy car on the floor and the big girls are playing on tablets on the couch.

I am sitting in my chair, sipping on my coffee (first cup I have made in a week!) and just taking it all in and hoping that this headache goes away soon.

There is so much I want to try and get done today... put laundry away, cook dinner, clean the kitchen (which is in the middle of being demo'd), clean the hallway, the bedroom, the bathroom.  I wanted to get the back yard cleaned up some too, but the rain isn't going to let that happen. I mean I could go out and do it in the rain, but then I might melt, so that wouldn't be good.

My family needs me. lol I learned that this week. I had the flu for 5 days. So for 5 days, nothing got done. Nothing got cleaned. Nothing got cooked, laundry only got done on day 5 when I was starting to feel better and took it to my moms and she helped (well really did most of it) me with it all. (laundry room is also being demo'd)

My whole kitchen is completely in shambles. I have no counter top... I have no cabinets. I am missing a wall. I have no water. But the end product will be great and it will all be worth it!!  Till then I have to try not let it stress me out and make me wanna kill my husband and kids. lol

Alright, guess its time to get up and moving and the day started...

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Hardest time in my life thus far

I have to say this past month has been one of the hardest in my life.

My father passed away August 7th.

He called me up on the 2nd and said he wasn't really feeling well and that he thought his sugar had dropped and didnt want to be alone. So, I went over to his house and picked him and brought him to my house. We had dinner with him. Steak, Mashed potatoes, and corn on the cob.  Never would have thought this would be his last meal or that this would be the last time I would ever get to share a meal with my father. I took him home after dinner since he was feeling better. About an hour or so later, he called me up and said that he needed to go to the ER. He was bleeding badly from his rectum. So up the the ER we went. He was admitted since he had lost so much blood and they couldn't figure out the cause or how to stop it.  I didn't think too much of it. He was always strong and pulled through everything. The next day we went up to the hospital after dinner to visit with him. They had gotten his permission to intabate him and do a colonoscopy. I would never see my father fully conscious again. They did the procedure to no avail. They decided he needed to go a more specialized hospital. So he was life flighted to UH Cleveland. We drove out there and stayed with him as much as we were aloud as they did tests, procedures and explained everything that they were planning on doing.  Finally about 4am we decided to go home, with the promise of the nurse that they would call me immediately if anything changed.

The next day we went up to see him after my sister got into town.  Everything was just about the same. They were going to try new procedure and test to get to the root of the issues.  He was still intabated.

Friday as I was getting ready to head up to see him, my husband called and was told that he needed to get to the hospital immediately because his GreatMom (great grandma) was dying. We rushed up there and spent most of the day.  We came home and got word that they were planning on taking my dad off the ventalator, the bleeding had stopped and he didn't need the vent anyway. So we grab my son and head up there. He was some what awake when we got there. He was very groggy and out of it, but he knew we were there. He was joking with us and everything. We stayed awhile and then went to get dinner.

The next morning we decided since he was doing better we were going up to see him in the morning for a bit and then go to a concert that we had tickets for since Christmas in the afternoon.  We went up to see him and he seemed more out of it than the day before. We talked to the nurse and he assured me that it was something that happens from time to time and it was nothing to worry about.  My sister was planning on going up in the afternoon to be with him. We headed to the concert and got a call from my husbands family that Greatmom had a stroke. We headed to her hospital.  She was stable and ok when we got there. We visited for a bit and then headed up to the concert.

Sunday morning I woke up to many voicemails from the hospital. I never took my phone off vibrate when I got home that night. My father took a turn for the worse. They had to put him back on the ventalator to keep him stable. His heart had stopped multiple times throughout the night for a couple minutes at a time but it started back up on its own. (he had a dnr) We rush up to the hospital and was told pretty much the ventalator was keeping him alive. I made the decision to take him off since his wishes were to not be on that. He didnt want to be a vegitable kept alive by machines. We waited till his family and friends were able to come up and say their good byes.
And then they took him off.  He lived for maybe 20 minutes before his heart finally gave out.

I will never forget that morning.  I will never forget the way my dad looked. I will never forget that morning.

Pretty much what had happened was that he had a burst artery in his intestines. Normally that wouldnt be a big deal, it would clot and stop bleeding. But he was on asprin to thin his blood and also blood thinners. So it never clotted. They took him off the meds for that, gave him platelets and his blood clotted and he stopped bleeding.  But, his heart wasn't good. He had a 98% blocked artery and also a 100% blocked on and a few others that weren't open very well either... so now that his blood was thicker- it couldn't get passed the blockages and his heart couldn't handle it.

My father was an amazing man.

I will never forget this. I will never forget him.

I love you Daddy.

Blessing N Love
Overthinking Mama

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Samia- 8 Years Old!!

My beautiful Samia!!

Happy Birthday my precious child!

You are a beautful Child of God. And I am blessed to call you my daughter.

Thi s is the 3rd birthday you have gotten to celebrate with us. I am so happy!

I am so thankful that God saw that you needed a Mama and thought that I was the perfect one for the job.  I may not always feel like I am being a good mama to you and our family but God knows what He is doing.

You will be going into 2nd grade in a month!! You are growing up so quickly.

You love going to cedar point with us and riding every roller coaster that you can get on. Hopefully next year you will be tall enough to ride even more.

You over explain everything you try to tell us.

When you grown up you said you want to work at Walmart (like grami), at IGA (like brett) and at Burlington (like mama).

You love to swim and be in water.  Grami has taken you for swim lessons and I think  that they have definetly helped.

Oh and your kitty just had kittens... in your bed. You were so happy for that!! You love all the kittys so much already and don't want us to get rid of any of them... but I am sorry princess, we kinda have to.. I don't think I could handle 7 cats running around!!

I love you so much Samia!

I cant wait to see what the future holds for you!!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking mama

Just in a Funk

This week has been a week from hell.

I don't know if this is just what a normal week is and I am just in a bad mood and can't handle it or what the deal is... but its 10:30 on a Saturday morning and I am ready to pop open a bottle of wine and sip my hearts desire.

But I know in adult world... that isn't possible.

I just feel like screaming this week.

I haven't felt great and because of that I haven't kept up on my chores like I should...and no one else has stepped up to help out either.

I am just in a funk I guess. I feel like all I am here for is to clean up after everyone. I am not appreciated. I am not respected. I am the maid.

Deep down I know that isn't true... but on the surface that is what it seems like.

I am blessed. I know I am. I am so thankful for the beautiful children God has given me. I am thankful for my jobs. My vehicle, my house, for my family and friends. I am really blessed to call them my own.

I am just in a funk... and I know that it will take me blowing up and blowing everything out of porportion and seem like a crazy mama to make anything change... and I am trying not to get to that point... ugh.

I am just going to go pop a couple prozac... sip my coffee... and pray.

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

1/2 gone

I can't believe that the summer is half over already!!

It has been a busy fun summer tho!

We have gone on vacation to Frankenmuth, Michigan.

We have been to Cedar Point at least 15times if not more.

We have celebrated Baby Lily's first birthday.

We have had many cook outs with family and friends.

We had an adult day at Put In Bay.

I am working 3 jobs.

Brett's working 6 days a week.

We have taken the big girls and their friends to the drive in.

My sister in law had a baby girl.

My best friend had a baby girl. 

And the summer is only half over. lol.

I can't wait to see what the rest of the summer holds!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Monday, June 27, 2016

Lily's First Birthday!

My little LilyBee is officially ONE years old! Its crazy to see how quick time flies!!! 

She is such a sweet little baby girl!! 

She is crawling and pulling her self to stand up on anything she can.

 She can climb in and out of her highschair that sits on the floor. 

She has two bottom teeth.

She says Hi to anyone and everyone she can. 

She is totally a mamas girl! 

She loves to eat and will throw a fit when she is all done or out of food! 

She drinks from a sippy cup. 

She loves to steal her big sissy's binky... and her big sissy loves to steal it right back. 

She loves our doggies. 

She is known as baby to her first big sissy mady (who is almost 2)

She goes today for her One year well child visit! 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Tuesday, May 31, 2016


I hope everyone had a great memorial day weekend.

Now its back to the daily grind of life. lol

I am actually sitting here in the hospital waiting on my dad to come out of surgery. He is in having a heart cath.

We had a cook out over the weekend. I invited a ton of people. Everyone I could think of. Everyone that I used to be friends with... well I still consider them friends but we just really dont hang out anymore.

Most of those people... didn't come to the cook out.  And that made to really think about how much has changed since the last cook out that I had.

It seemed like I had more friends back then. Now I have a small handful of friends- people that I hang out with on a regular basis.

Marriage changes things. Especially friendships. People that I used to hang out with a lot are people I rarely talk to anymore. I am not upset with them- they are not to blame, nor am I. Situations change. People change. Priorities change. Its life.

It is a little saddening that people that I used to tell everything to. That when I went out for a drink, they were the first person I called. That when I had a bad day, I called for comfort. And vice versa. Now? Nada.  I can't even get them to come to a cook out. lol

I am not upset or anything- sad, a little bit yes. But I have learned it is life.  We don't have the same interests anymore. We don't have the same commonalities.  I would still be there for them if needed and if I can, but I also know that I wouldn't be the first person they call.  I would still hang out with them and I still consider them friends... I just know life goes on. Life changes.

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Monday, May 23, 2016


I used to love Mondays. 

It was always the first day of the week and I was normally well rested from the weekend. Sunday's were normally my lazy day and I could rest, nap, and recoup from the week.  Lately... that is not the case. 

Just seems lately when it rains it pours...

Monday's I am now always exhausted.  I don't want to get out of bed. And even last night, we were in bed at 8pm, we weren't able to go to sleep till after 10. No one else in the house was tired and no one else wanted to be in bed that early.  

Monday's are also my LONG days. I work both jobs on Mondays. So I go from one, get kids off the bus, change and head to the next. So I am gone from 7am to 8:30pm. It's exhausting.  

Today is no different... Only busier!!  My dad has a doctor's appointment at 2 that he really wants me to go with him I told him I would. So I have to leave one job early, got my husband to pick the kids up from the bus, go to the doc appt with my dad, run home and change, and then head to job #2.  

To top everything off... I was supposed to have a phone interview today at 10am. I got a call from my bank at 9:55(tho i thought it was the interview-so I answered) and then the interview called- I missed the call trying to get off the phone with the bank, called the lady right back and she was now busy or at least I was told she was busy, so I don't know- I now may have lost that opportunity. Ugh. Frustrated.  Maybe its God keeping me from that job. I don't know.  I just have to have faith about it.  

I know God's got this. I still get frustrated and disappointed at times- its human nature.  

I miss this. Miss blogging all the time. I really need to get back into it. 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Needing help

This past couple weeks have been a big struggle for me.  I have come to realize that I need help and the help is in the form of medication.  I don't want to admit it. I don't want to think that I may need to be on meds the rest of my life, but I might. 

The last couple months have been hard and the last week has been hell to say the least.  If something was to go wrong this week, it did.  

Dealing with negative situation, negative people, and feeling very overwhelmed pushed me to my limits.  

It pushed me to call my doctor and beg for a refill on my anti-depressant. And yes I had to beg. lol.  I had been getting it from my ob/gyn, I was out of refill and had been waiting to get into my family doctor and can't get in with her till June. (New patients have to wait forever).  When I called my OB/GYN, I was told that she can't refill it because I am not longer considered postpartum (10 months after I have a baby) and I need to wait till I am seen by my family doctor. I explained that I can't get in to her till June and so that mean I am going to have to suffer till then. The secretary was understanding but said that there was nothing she could do and she was really sorry.  I all but broke down on the phone.  I called my family doc and tried to get a sooner appointment, dealt with a not so nice woman about who pretty much told be that I need to just keep my appointment where it is because I am new and its not an emergency.  I was so upset.  God was with me though, He was looking over me and placed it on the heart of my ob/gyn and she sent in a refill to last me till I am able to see my family doc.  

I hate admitting that I am weak. I hate admitting that I need to be on the anti-depressant. I am afraid that some day it will be used against me some how that I need meds.   

This is not my fault. This is not my choosing. I am not wanting, choosing or deciding to be depressed. It is not because of one  thing or another that happens in my life... it is an imbalance chemically in me.  The things in my life that go wrong trigger it and to someone on the outside it may look like a small thing, but to me it seems like a mountain.  

I see that things are small but no matter how hard I try, with out the meds, I can't control my reaction. It feels like a mountain in front of me. 

I have never been like this before. I have always struggled with depression but with out meds, I could handle it. Now, its seems like I am in a dark room and I can't get out.  I hope that one day I will be able to get to where I don't need the meds again, and I don't know why right now is different, if it is because I am still dealing with postpartum depression, if I have an imbalance because of having two babies back to back or what it is... but right now, I need the help. 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Dear Samipooh 2/23/16

Dear Samipooh! 

First and foremost I want to tell you how much I love you. 

You have been our daughter for almost two years now. Wow. crazy that its only been that long. I feel like you have always been here, that you have always been part of our family-that you have always been our daughter. 

We have had some ups and downs and even though there I days I feel like I want to pull my hair out or just crawl into a corner and bawl my eyes out like a little baby, I would't trade any of it for the world. 

You are such a bright sweet and beautiful little girl.  I don't know the extent of everything that you have gone through before you came to be our daughter and I hate that you had to go through any of that or had to be taken away from your mom, but I am thankful that I now get to be your mom. 

The past couple years that you have been with us have been amazing! I have watched you grow up in so many ways. I am so thankful to be your mom. 

I love you! 

Your Mama! 

Friday, February 26, 2016


Someone had posted this on Facebook this morning and it completely hit home for me. Especially because that is exactly what I am going through right now. 

It's not that I don't want to talk to someone or that I am upset or anything like that... Its almost like I just don't have the energy to make a conversation in my head and then get it out verbally or via text.   

Right now for the past couple weeks I have been very irritable and very easily frustrated. I hate feeling like this.  And it seems like nothing I do, changes it.   Every little thing upset me. 
The babies cry too much. 
The babies want to be held too much. 
The big girls don't listen.
The big girls don't clean up after themselves.
The boy wants to procrastinate till the last minute and then rush everyone else like he's been ready the whole time. 
The hubby doesn't pick up after himself.
The hubby just throws his clothes wherever and everywhere. 
The father thinks that calling at 7am when he knows I am trying to get everyone out of the house and to school on time is a good time to call and ask me to stop over and change a light bulb. 
Everyone thinks that I just sit on my phone all day and night and when they text, call, message, that I should reply instantly. 
That people call to make an appointment, don't give me an option to say no, and then show up for said appointment 2 hours early and act like we were the one in the wrong. 


With all that going on, its hard for me to have the extra energy to make a conversation with anyone... so I would rather just not.  But I do. I force myself. Because I know the longer I go with out talking to people, the more I seclude myself- the deeper down the dark hole I will go. I need others in my life to keep me from drowning in that hole of darkness. 

It can be a fight and battle everyday... but it is a necessary one. 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Friday, February 19, 2016

God's way of working

My Dad has been saying for months how he wishes he could spend more time with the babies so that they know him... Well God has a way of working things out. 

Right before New Years, my dad's hot water tank sprung a leak and water went everywhere in his house.  We called in Servpro and had it cleaned up and then the insurance company had contractors come out to replace all the damaged areas.  This was a living hell for my dad. He hates change and he hates paying money. Well that is something that happened here.. change and paying money (deductible).  

While Servpro was drying up and cleaning out the damaged areas, my dad came to stay a few nights with us.  
Last week when the contractors were working on certain rooms in his house, my dad came to stay with us.  And this week as the contractors were finishing up certain rooms, my dad came to stay with us.  

And during this time... he got to spend a lot of time with his grandbabies.  
He got to have sleepovers with the big girls as they stayed up with him and watched tv and then fell asleep with him on the couch. He got to talk sports with his only grandson daily. He got to cuddle with two adorable babies every morning he was there. And he got to be the one my Madybear (18mo old) would sneak out to in the middle of the night or early morning to snuggle with on the couch.   God answered his prayer. 

Yea, this time was rough on occasion... but God used what was a bad incident and turned it into something great... even an answered prayer. 

How many times have we prayed about something and then an accident occurs? We are normally so focused on the negative aspect of it that we forget to look for the blessings that come along with it- and that answered prayer.  

God doesn't always just "poof" here's your answer. Sometimes he works those answers into struggles that you are going through.  So the next time you are struggling with something... be patient, take a deep breath and remember to look for the blessings that may be in that struggle... and remember to always look back and figure out what lessons He was trying to teach. 

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Not having it all together

I seriously am so far from having it all together that I feel like I am losing my mind lately! 

#Mommyfail #1 today... 

I had an appoint this morning for Lilybee for developmental therapy. Yeah... Completely forgot about it. Completely. Total. Mind. Slipped.  

I traded days for work. I took yesterday off since the kids were off school and Madybear had a doctors appointment and planned on coming in today.  I double checked the calendar to make sure nothing was going on today and I thought it was all clear.  

I get almost all the way into work... with no kids... and I get a call from the DT person and yeah- Light Bulb! I remembered it was the 16th and I had an appointment at 8:30 with her! 


I don't know how moms of more than one kid do it. 

Anymore I am lucky I remember to put underware on in the mornings! Seriously. My brain is that spastic lately!  My days are all jumbled, I am lucky if I remember what day it actually is.  I am trying to remember everything that needs done for all 5 kids, my husband, my father and myself. 

I was all excited this morning because I knew what I was going to cook for dinner tonight. Was going to stop on my way to work to get all the items, even had tomorrow's dinner planned out... and then I get the call and that happy little bubble burst- raining down on me. 

OH Well. Tis life anymore it seems! lol. 

Guess I need to make better ToDo lists and put 15 calendars around the house with everything on them so that way I can remember what day it is and when I have something scheduled. 

Happy Mond... eerrr... I mean Tuesday Ya'll! 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Good Question

The question asked on Facebook was this: Who comes first in a woman's life? Husband, Father, Baby daddy or Son? 

There was a lot of great answers. 

Mine was pretty much the son should come first. Kids should come first above all else. 

These were a couple of the replies that really made me think. 

My initial answer was that the son/kids should always come first. But if you go by God's word- God comes first, then the husband and then the rest of the family.  My mindset for the last 9yrs was always that my kids came first- Period.  

I think that is a mindset that single women have- kids come first. Which after God- it should be.  But once you get married everything changes. I really think that its a hard concept to switch to, especially when you have has the mindset of kids first for so long.  You get used to that and so do the kids.   I think it is hard to switch priorites especially if the man you are marrying isn't the father of the kids.  

Maybe that is part of the reason that many blended families don't work. The woman has always put the kids first and once there is a man there it is a constant struggle of who to put first. Your husband wants to be first... the kids are used to being first.  It can be a very hard battle. 

What are your thoughts? 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama