the hamster wheel.

I don’t even know where to start. I have been wanting to write for the last 3 days… but as soon as I get the computer out, I lose all motivation.

I woke up Sunday morning just completely depressed. It took all I had not to cry.   I made it to church and I am so glad that I did. I needed that. I ended up seeing one of my favorite pastors there and spoke with her for a brief second and she told me to come in and talk with her asap. So I know it was God that brought me to church and God that had me see her especially because she wasn’t even supposed to be there that day!

Monday, my daughter woke up with a 101 temperature and a headache. So I stayed home from work with her. Figured that I would be able to get so much done around the house… but nope, ended up laying in bed with her most of the day. She wanted me close.

Tuesday was the same.  L  I woke up in a seriously horrible mood. I couldn’t control the tears this time was just utterly frustrated. I had a 930 conference with my son’s school and his father… and I had no one to watch my daughter.. finally I got ahold of my dad and was able to take her over there. I just felt so helpless.  Had a pretty good conference with the school, so I am really hoping that things will be better till the end of the year.

Today she still has a temperature of 103 and I have to go to work.  I have a call into the doc to see if we can get in today… but haven’t heard anything back yet.  UGH. She is with my step dad today, so I am very thankful for that!!

I finally got a hold of baby girls father today and ggrrr. I wanted to reach through the phone and smack him. I told him she was still sick and said it would really be nice if he could take a day off work to be with his daughter. And he said he can’t afford it. Hhhmmm.. but apparently I can. I seriously wouldn’t be too upset if I never had to speak or think of that man ever again in my life.

I don’t know.  I am just so depressed lately.  I have no motivation. I feel like other than my kids…I feel like my life is pointless.  I live day to day.. just in blah. Going through the motions of every day life but really don’t feel like I am going anywhere.. just spinning around on the hamster wheel.  There are moments here and there where I feel like I might be able to get off this wheel… and then I stick my head out and bonk I am back into reality and realize I am stuck here… and I don’t know how to get off. I don’t know how to change anything.  I dread getting up everyday. I dread going to work. I dread going home.  When the phone rings I dread who’s calling.  I am just frustrated at everything in my life right now and I don’t know how to change it.  I have no motivation.  I almost don’t care anymore. I have no goals. I have no desires.

I know God has a plan for my life… I can feel it. I know I have a purpose… I just can’t figure out what any of it is. 

I think for the next few weeks I am going to be backing away from people and focusing on me… try to figure out my place…who I am and where I need to go.  I need to pray. And even more so, I need to listen for God’s word in my heart, so I know where to go and who I am with HIM.

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

wait.

I havent been sleeping very well lately.  I am not really sure why.. odd dreams... crazy feelings ... lower back pain when I sleep on my back... yet that is the way that I sleep the best in. Craziness!!!

This morning before I was fully away... I started to have this feeling of dread for the day. I don't really know why... Like already, I didnt like how the day was... but I got up and got the dogs up and outside for their morning business... and I stopped and realized how blessed I really am. God has been so good to me. Yea, I struggle almost daily with so many things... worry about bills, my kids, being a great parent, daughter, sister, friend.. but ya know what?? I am really blessed!!! I have two beautiful kids. I have a wonderful home. I have family and friends that love me so much.

I think i just need to realign my focus... which is a lot easier said than done. I am going to try and not focus so much on the things that I do not have... but stop and look at all the blessings that I do have!!

One thing I have learned about myself...that I love waking up to a clean house.  Having a clean house just puts me at ease. When the house is cluttered and unorganized and there's junk everywhere, I feel out of it.. even if I am not at home, I still feel out of it. Like my world is the way my home is.  I've tried to not care if my house is a mess...tell myself there is always tomorrow to clean it up, spend today with my kids.  And even tho i do do that... I still in the back of my mind am thinking about my house and the mess. ugh. I need to get over that. God doesn't care about how my house looks... He cares about how my heart looks.

The devotional I read during my quiet time with God this morning was Isaiah 40:31.
"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"

This was prefect for me today.. on the Proverbs31.org devotional for today instead of the word hope- their version said wait.  Those who wait in the Lord will renew their strength.  I feel like my life is a constant wait.  Waiting for prayers to be answered. Waiting for a husband.  Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. And its exhausting. I am focusing on the negative of it. I am focusing on what I am not getting, instead of thinking about that this time is being used to ready me for the answered prayers... its being used to ready me for something greater than just my prayers... during this time I need to focus on worshiping my Lord and not just demanding an answer to a prayer.  I need to be thankful what where I am and who I am. I need to be thankful for the blessings that I have in my life and not focus so much on what I do not have or what I want. The Lord is good!!!


Have a wonderful weekend!!!!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Realization Friday

Its been way too long since I did a Realization Friday post. For those of you that have no idea what a Realization Friday is... well its when I gather up the things that I have come to realize for the week and post them on here... I also collect realization from my readers also. If you have a realization that you would like to send in, please email me at overthinkingmama@gmail.com.   You realization will be posted anonymously, so don't feel shy or embarrassed by anything that you send in. :-)

So without further delay...

This week I have come to realize:

~ that I do not like pushy guys. Just because I give you 5mins of attention does not mean that we are meant to be, that we will be a happy couple or that we will be married.

~ that I am starting to have more days where I am just brutally honest about things. Its becoming harder and harder to keep my mouth shut.

~ that I am too nice at times.

~ I am easily discouraged.

~ that I give everyone at least one chance...even when I probably shouldn't.

~ that my son's school seriously frustrates me.

~ that even now after being divorced 7years... my ex husband still apologizes to me for things said when he's upset. :-) 

~ that I don't want to date anymore. I am tired of all the bs... and I need to just focus on me, my babies, and my Lord. 

~ that some people... just don't get me.

~ that some people do not understand the meaning of NO. lol. 

Hope ya'll have had a good week. and have a great weekend!!! 

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama 

My Secret Closet

I am starting a new site called My Secret Closet.  Gently worn clothing at good prices. Please check it out and let your friends and family know too!!  Its just in the beginning stages but I will be adding more every day!! :-)

www.mysecretclosetonline.com

Thank you all for you support!!!


Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Nominated again!

I believe this is the 3rd time I have been nominated for The Top 25 Single Mom Blogs on Circle of Moms! I am so honored!!!  

Please take a moment to go vote for me!! :-) 

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

strange dreams of the a.m.

This morning, I had a dream that I went to a tattoo shop/convention or something to see a famous tattoo artist.  That  friend of mine wanted me to go for her to talk to him about getting a tattoo. She couldn't go for whatever reason. 

So I go.. and first he shows me this dragon tattoo that he thinks would be perfect.  First suggests placing it on my shoulder and then having it go down my arm. Then he suggests that  I should have it on my left forearm, going around my wrist and its tail is in my palm. 

Then I tell him that I want a half sleeve of flowers and a few other ideas I have... He then suggests a white lighthouse.  And that has stuck in my head all morning... a white lighthouse. So of course, I look up the meanings of everything. 

Lighthouse

To see a lighthouse in your dream indicates that you are seeking guidance during a difficult and tumultuous time.

White 
White represents purity, perfection, peace, innocence, dignity, cleanliness, awareness, and new beginnings. You may be experiencing a reawakening or have a fresh outlook on life.�Alternatively, white refers to a clean, blank slate. Or it may refer to a cover-up. In Eastern cultures, white is associated with death and mourning.

Tattoo 
To dream that you have tattoos represent your sense of individuality and the desire to stand out in a crowd. You want to be unique and different from everybody else, particularly if you do not have any tattoos in real life. Consider also what the tattoo is and what significance it has in your life. It may represent something that has left a lasting impression on you. Alternatively, to dream that you have a tattoo suggests that a waking situation or decision is having a much longer lasting effect that you had expected.

To dream that you are getting a dragon tattoo on your wrist implies that you are looking for attention. You want to be acknowledged and awarded for your efforts and positive actions.

And this is what I found...  though I didn't actually see the lighthouse.  But a white lighthouse tattoo was very prodominate in the dream.   

I guess we shall see... :-) 

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama 

Self Image

As a human, normal girl, in today’s society, we 99% of the time, have a distorted picture of ourselves.  When we look in the mirror most of the time, we don’t see a beautiful girl looking back. We find the flaws of our creation.  The scars, the bags under our eyes, the extra fluffiness here and there, the tiny breasts, the too big breasts, the stretch marks, scars, any and all imperfections. 

I am no different. I struggle with my self image. Every. Day.  And to try and control my insecurity, I color my hair, I cut my hair, put makeup on, get tattoos, tan, exersise, diet, anything that I think will make me look better… make me feel better about myself. 

But in reality- when it comes down to it, NOTHING I do will make me prettier. All the makeup in the world, will not make me feel better about myself… it will give me a momentary pleasure, a momentary dilusion that I am beautiful, but tomorrow that feeling will be gone. 

I have friends that struggle every day with their self image.  Feeling they are too fat, ugly, too skinny, not this, not that- essentially no guy would want them. They are nothing.  They look at me like I have it good.   I have a good body. I am pretty. I don’t have an issue with getting a guy.  They don’t understand when I say I don’t like my body. I don’t like my hair. I can’t get a guy.  I look at them like they are crazy. 

I am no different than anyone else.  I feel like I can improve myself A LOT.   

I look into the mirror and I see the stretch marks, the cellulite, the grey hairs, the muffin top. I see so much that I would love to have "lifted, or tucked, or just sucked out"... 

But reality is, this is me. 

I am learning to love me.  

Some days are better than others. 

But everyday, I am waking up and I am going to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself I am beautiful and eventually, hopefully, I will completely believe it. 

Blessings N  Love

Overthinking Mama

*this is a post I started writing a year ago, that I just found... lol. 

oh well, he's just a man

First of all I want to say how great our God is.. I woke up this morning, kinda just in a blah mood.. Nothing bad but then nothing good either.
I got up made my coffee and had my time with God. Read a devotional, the bible, listened to my worship music, wrote in my gratitude journal.. then answered a couple text messages from a friend.. and voila, I got inspired to blog. God is good. I had thought maybe 10 minutes before hand that I really didnt feel like blogging, even tho I really needed too...

I responded to a text message from a friend "Well he is a man". That was my reason as to why something didn't go as planned the night before. He didn't think something was as important or as big of a deal as she did.  He was left confused and she was left disappointed.

Should we justify a man not taking a moment and thinking about the girl as just oh well he's a man?

I have another friend who uses that phrase all the time for her boyfriend. And it frustrates me so much and yet.. now I just used it.

To me just saying well he's a man when he does something that is thoughtless, disrespectful, disappointing or just hurtful is just giving up an excuse for him.  Not having him to be held to any type of standards.

Well men think differently.  Yes, they do think differently... and maybe I am old fashioned or think that there is a prince charming out there, but I still believe that a man should take a moment and think about how a woman might feel if he does something, especially if she is directly effected by what it is that he does.

Yes, everyone makes mistakes.. and I completely get that.. I just feel like saying we'll he's a man and doesn't know better is a lame excuse.  A man or woman should be held accountable for what is done.. say maybe they don't know better, they didnt realize the effects, or whatever.. but don't just say its cuz he's a man.  Thats saying that the male species is uncapable of thinking or feeling or figuring out an outcome to something that they might do.  Its saying that they have a free pass card in a way to go and do stupid and idiotic things just because they are a male.

I also feel like its saying that because he is a male, it keeping the expectations very low for how he should treat you...

What is your opinion?


Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

mom and son date night

Well after that horrible morning with lil man.. we went on our mom and son date that we had planned for a few days now.

And!!! Wow!!!!  Amazing!!!

He was absolutely a sweet heart.

We went to Chipotle. And he told me he wanted to take it home to eat because he wanted to watch a movie on the couch with me. So that is what we did. He picked out his favorite movie- The Princess Bride.  I had no idea that was his favorite movie!  I went to go change into my pj's before sitting down to eat and when I came back out, he had all the candle lit for us!!  He really amazed me with that!!  We ate and watched the movie and snuggled up on the couch.. and he actually let me snuggle up with him.

My heart was bursting with JOY!!!

God is good.. and even thru the roughest of days, he can bring a little bit of peace and joy!


Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

down

One of my friends from facebook text me the other day to say how he thought that my other friend is absolutely gorgeous.  So I relayed the info... helped them exchange phone numbers.. have played the in between girl for them.. and I am soooo happy for both of them.. I think I happier for them to find each other than I am for myself finding someone. Lol.   But today, even tho I am still happy, I am also slightly jealous.  Not jealous that she has him or anything like that.. but I think jealous of the fact that I have the outside view looking in.. I see him being all giddy over her.. and her being giddy over him.. and I wonder if I ever will have that.   Its hard for me to be giddy over some one. It hard for me to let myself get excited because it always seems that as soon as I do, boom the guy changes or moves on and then im sitting there stuck on stupid and trying to figure out what I did wrong.. and trying to pick up the pieces of my heart.  

That happened just recently.  A gentleman that I had been texting and talking to for a month and a half.. we got closer and closer and I let myself feel something for him. Got excited when he would call me, or when he would text me.  The way he looked at me when he would kiss me gave me butterflies. Something I hadn't felt in a while.  Then one night we hung out, watched a movie, snuggled up on the couch and then the next day everything was different and I have barely heard from him since then.  A text here or there, but nothing like it was, so I do my thing and back away too. I don't chase after a man.  If he doesn't want me, then fine. I wont ever force myself on anyone. Ever. 

So now, I just sit here, and wonder, what did I do wrong?? What is wrong with me?? Am I crazy??  Because this seems to keep happening. So maybe it is.  Maybe I need to just learn to be happy single.  Maybe that is my life.   Never to be in love.. never to have another child.  I don't know what God has planned for my life, but I guess I need to learn to accept what He gives me. I know he is using everything in my life to make me the person He needs me to be.. I know he has a purpose for me. 

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama 

UGH.

Ugh.  Today is a down day. 

The devils whispering lies into my heart and I am believing him.

I went to bed last night feeling down and woke up even worse this morning. UGH.

My son got suspended from school yesterday.  He had too many detentions, so he ended up suspended.  He talked back to the teachers, wouldn't listen to the teachers when asked to stop doing something, acting out, not being prepared.   He received 3 detentions in the last week.  

Now, I don’t like his school nor his principal all that much, but my son needs to learn discipline and respect…so because he is being punished at school, he will be punished at home also. 

Luckily today my mom is off work today so he is able to stay with her.  I told him that he was not aloud to play on the computer over there.. and that he will be helping his grandparents with any thing that they need done. Also that in between him working, I wanted to finish all the homework that he has due on Friday and write two books from the bible. I don't want him to have a moment to just sit there and watch tv. This is not a vacation for him and I definitely don’t want him to enjoy this day off so that he will want to get suspended again. 

This morning he didn't want to get up.  Finally he did and went to the kitchen. When I got in there, I saw that he was playing on the phone.  When I said something to him about he’s not aloud to play on the phone, that’s when the attitude and the arguing started.  I told him that he wasn't supposed to be paying on it.  He argued that I told him yesterday that he could play. I don’t remember saying that.. but sadly my brain is a jumbled mess the past few days so maybe I did. I told him fine. He could play it till we left but he was not taking the phone to my moms, because he wasn't going to sit around and play on the phone all day.  And then more arguing.   In the mean while I am also trying to get my daughter all put together and out the door too because she does have to go to school and be there at a certain time.   We get to my moms and he storms into the house.. repeatedly telling me that he’s not going to write. He’s not doing anything.   I had to leave at this point and I asked him to come kiss me goodbye. He said no.  I told him I loved him and walked out. I couldn't handle it anymore. 

I don’t know what to do.  Today, right now, I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like my son doesn't love me.  Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for him to be with his father. That maybe he does need that male figure in his life… but I know if I have him go live with his father, he will feel that I am choosing his sister over him.

I feel like he is Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  One minute, he is a sweet heart.  The next day the opposite. 

Its just not a good day for me emotionally or mentally. 

I am feeling very down on myself and my life right now. L

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

My week- via Instagram 1/27-2/2

getting my hair did

baby girl getting her hair trimmed

watch my church was giving out. :-) 

New hat!!! 

Long day- lil man was sick :-( 

doggies keep lil man company while he's sick on the couch

baby girl home from school and wrestling with the dog

even tho lil man was sick.. he offered to help baby girl with her homework- aawww.

fresh out of the shower. 

my turn for the flu

baby girl got the flu too

bbbllllaaahhhh. 

sucks being sick.. but at least baby girls feeling better!! 

...she was just like oh. weird. and walked away. lol. conversation with my baby girl. haha.  

view friday morning as i had to get up for work. ugh. still wasnt 100% great

saturday morning snuggles. 

my fun filled weekend night!!  love this series of books tho!!