Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Emotional Abuse

As I was in the shower tonite... I decided it was time I wrote this post...
I was emotionally abused in a past relationship.

What is emotional abuse?

From: Steve Hein http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#What%20is%20Emotional%20Abuse?

What is Emotional Abuse?
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.
Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.
Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.
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Types of Emotional Abuse
Abusive Expectations
The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.
Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised and "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as
learned helplessness.
Constant Chaos
The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.
The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement.
Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples)
The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.
The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."
When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.
Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.
Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.
Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it.
When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.
Emotional Blackmail
The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want.
This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you.
The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient's perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say "You are too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you." Here is a much more complete description of invalidation
Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted.
Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.
Unpredictable Responses
Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.
This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.
An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.
Verbal Assaults
Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening
Excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.
Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.

A man I was completely in love with did this too me.. I didnt even know what it was.. or that there was even a such thing as emotional abuse... and honestly if someone would have told me about it... I wouldnt think too much of it and say... "oh I would never let it happen to me"... but it did... and I didnt even realize it all that much till it was all over and done with... and the sad thing is... I still love this man...

Now I am not saying he is all bad or anything like.. and I dont completely put the blame on him... I believe a lot of how you act as an adult is how you were raised as a child. This man didn't have the best situation growing up... He wasnt raised by either parent and never see a "happy marriage" and how a relationship works. He was raised by an aunt who was single and never dated. He didnt see how a man was to treat a woman... but.. he is also not completely innocent in the whole ordeal... He is still a grown man and can see how his actions can cause hurt and pain.. and he still does them time after time...
I am not writing this to get sympathy or anything like that.. I am writing this for a couple of reasons... one to help me with my healing proces.... I still have a lot of scars that havent healed and they are still reopened from time to time and I still deal with the pain of all of it.. Two, just so that my story is out there.. maybe someone else is dealing with it and doesnt even realize what is going on.. or knows someone... or even is the person that is doing this to someone else and doesnt even realize that what they are doing is hurtful and abusive...

I met this man years ago... and he came into my life exactly when I needed him too.. but I have learned that God seems to work like that... I fell in love with this man... whole heart and all... I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man... and of course he told me the same thing... eventually we moved in together... and as I look back... things just kinda went down hill from there... now dont get me wrong.. there was a lot of wonderful times with this man... and I think that is why I delt with it all as well as I did.

The first thing about this man ... he was possessive... and at the time I didnt realize it... (there are a lot of things that I didnt realize at the time). after me and him started dating... I pretty much stopped talking to most of my friends and a lot of my family... the few family memebers I did still talk with... he always thought I was going to leave him because of what they might tell me... He always thought I was going to cheat on him, find someone better than him, or leave him for whatever other reason... I would get calls/text/emails all day long while we both were at work asking me if I was going to do any of those things.... I of course constantly told him no and tried to reassure him... I understood why he might have some of those thougts because i did cheat on my husband before i met him.... but I was bound and determined NOT to be that person I would not do that again... so in order to prove to him this... I stopped talking and hanging out with most of the people in my life...
The rare times that I see my friends... he gave me the 3rd degree to find out what we did, what was said, etc... and the entire time I would be gone, he would be texting me something...

another thing was that he didnt like to make love to me... becuase of this.. I was always thinking that there was something wrong with me... he didnt find me attractive... he didnt love me... i wasnt good enough... making love to me is more than just the sex... its about the connection.. its about becoming one person... its about having a intimate way to express the love and devotion you have for another person.. so if i had to practically beg for him to make love to me.... it made me feel less of a person. but also.. when we did finally make love... it was so incredible. I would just feel so much love that I would forget about having to beg him... it made me feel like it was worth me feeling like nothing just for that moment of "oneness and love" with him..

He wasnt a lovey touchy feely type person... at least not as much as I wanted him to be. I am. When I am in love with someone I am constantly wanting to show them, express to them, how I feel... if its a hug, a kiss, holding their hands, a look, anything to remind them I love them... When I would try and do this to him... He would push me away... turn his head... or something... now it wasnt all the time... but it was often enuf that it hurt...
Then theres the guilt... The guilt that he didnt have the freinds i did. The guilt of my past.. the guilt of the people in my life (coworkers, family etc) The guilt that I might one day leave him and find someone better. The guilt that I had a life before him... That I shoulnt have ever slept with anyone else.. the guilt that I shouldnt have drank and partied... the guilt that I want to still have part of the life that I had before him... as in going out with my friends and having a good time...

Now again dont get me wrong... he wasnt like this all the time... we had our wonderful moments where he would suprise me with little gifts, or emails or text messages saying how much he loved me and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me...
And I think that is the part I am still stuck on at time.... the part that makes me still love him...
The part of him that is the man I want him to be... but in reality... its not...
I think that is part of the whole emotional abuse.... its the times that a person shows you that they love you unconditionally.. and maybe in their hearts they love you as much as they can... but then the "bomb" is released and your heart, your emotions, and your self esteem are slowly destroyed... but its the love, the "im sorrys" , they u r the only person I want to be with, that makes you love that person so much that you cant see or choose not to see all the warning signs and makes you want to be with that person regardless...

Because of those lows... It makes the Highs... so much more than you feel in a "normal" relationship with any other person... I believe the longer the emotional abuse goes on... the harder it is to have a long lasting normal relationship.. because you compare the highs in the normal relationship to the HIGHS in the abusive one... and it dont compare because you don't have those same lows to go along with it...

Monday, January 11, 2010


So.. this last week was good... in a way! lol.

I got hit on by a guy as I was shopping at the Salvation Army! I don't think I have been approached by a man... in over a year... :-( So it was very flattering... We exchanged numbers and about 3hrs later... I kinda figured out what his agenda was... and it def. wasnt like mine... He wanted a booty call... Sorry boy.. Im not a botty call kinda girl. So a couple days later I text him pretty much so he couldnt come back and later on say- well you never text me. And I was just like - wanted to say hi. He wrote back: sorry been busy. dont think me and you have the same ideas of what we want. i dont want to waste your time. I wrote to him: no big deal. I want a friendship that will possible lead to a relationship. He replyed: i want a friendship that will lead to benefits. I said well if you want to be friends, cool. but thats all it will ever be. He wrote back. perhaps but I dont want to waste our time. I replyed. Ok cool! And that was that!
Ya know... At least he was honest.

Then my friends birthday was this weekend, so we went out to dinner. I joked with her if there were gonna be any cute guys (cuz i dated her boyfriends bestfriend awhile back and also went on a couple dates with another of his friends.. neither worked out.. moved on. no biggie.) He co-worker was there and took the phone from her and said he was going to be there... Next thing I knew I got a friend request on facebook... Ok.. cool. Checked him out. I had met him before and had thought he was attractive then... but after i seen his profile i realized he's 5 years younger than me... *flag* but... id give him a chance.. we can at least be friends... maybe... lol. anyways that night at dinner... he showed himself.. lol. he was obnoxious... him and another guy that was there (both whom were drinking) started bantering back and forth... talking bs back and forth to each other... the other guy stopped a couple times... this guy... just couldnt let it stop. Ok.. i get it.. he's young and gotta prove himself... but really? just shut up. sometimes... being quiet and letting things be.. is the best for everyone... it aint worth it! but he just proved his immaturity to me that night.
We texted back and forth and via text he seems like a cool dude... a cool friend... but im not looking for a playdate, to be mommy or even a babysitter... *sigh*
maybe i set my standards too high! lol.

Its 2010 Baby!

A New Year, A New Decade!!

Wow... I cant belive that I have been out of school for almost 10years now! Seems crazy...

New Years eve was pretty good. Pey was with his dad for the week and spent New Year Eve with him and his wife and kids... I guess he fell asleep by 1130 tho :-( . Baby girl and I went to dinner with my mom and stepdad and my bro.. It was nice. :-) then after that we headed off to the party my dads friend Shawn's family was having! (thats a mouthfull!!) My dad and stepmom were there along with their friends. It was fun. Sissy had such a good time!! She didnt stop dancing the whole night!!
The next day Sissy's dad came over and stayed for a bit. He brought us some food, so I made us breakfast. Then the rest of the day, I took down the tree and all the Christmas decorations. I went and got Pey around 1230 or so.. so I got to spend the day with him also. For dinner we went over to my moms as always and had kielbasa and saurkraut. It was nice.
The rest of the weekend was just us pretty much being lazy and watching movies! fun fun fun!

Trying to do some new years resolutions...
I really do need to get me and the kids on a schedule... like up by a certain time... out of the house to school by a certain time... at night... start for bed at a certain time and in bed at a certain time... and be like that all the time.
I am also going to get Pey an appt with the doc.. I want to get his sugar checked out and/or get tested for adhd. He is just to spastic and wild and crazy sometimes... I can not handle it... and when he's like that.. he just gets into more and mroe trouble. So we shall see.

Happy New Year!

Friday, January 8, 2010

being a Christian... its hard sometimes

it is hard being a Christian today.... in this society...
Sometimes not being a Christian would be so much easier... seriously... it really would be...
*gasp.. a Christian girl said its easier not to be a Christian.*

Honestly, this blog has been rolling around in my head for days as certain different situation arise in my life...

I try my hardest to be a "good" Christian... even tho daily watching other people who say they are Christians (via facebook, twitter, myspace, and real life), I sometimes wonder how good I actually am...

Almost daily I face many struggles that people do not realize... or maybe they do because I blog about my issues... I tweet about my frustrations, and I publicize my life on facebook....

But deep down... I struggle.
I wonder sometimes if being a Christian is the right way to go.. I mean there other religions out there... is Jesus the right way?? Deep down in my heart of hearts... I think Jesus is the only way... but i do wonder from time to time... what if...
I struggle with being "normal" in this society... going out drinking with my friends regularly, having sex before marriage (obviously i struggled a lot with this), putting myself first: being selfish, having lustful thoughts... Over all just living life like a normal 27yr old... but then again.. I always wanted to be different.

I would love to be able to go out with my friends and get "trashed" and party it up... It would be a lot easier than sitting at home with my kids reading my bible...

I would love to be able to just date any guy out there... and not worry about his morals and his religious beliefs.. oh that would make life so much more easier.

I would like to be able to think about that guy across the room... and how hot he is... and oh what I would love to be able to do with him if we were alone..

It would be nice to not have to live up to a certain "standard" that people put on me because I am a Christian... and I don't blame them... I do the same thing.

I struggle with knowing what is right and what is wrong in the Christian world.

Is it wrong to go out to a bar? If that is ok...
is it wrong to drink? If that is ok...
how many drinks are too many?
Is it ok to get drunk and act normal?
Is it ok to dance provocatively?
Is it ok to dance at all?
Is it ok to swear?
Is it ok to watch/read/listen to music/be around people where you hear swearing in every other word?
Is it ok to hate your job?
Is it ok to not "do your job" the whole 8hrs your are there?
Is it ok to not read your bible every single day?
Is it ok to not pray 24/7?
Is it ok to smoke?
Is it ok to do drugs?
Is it ok to live with a person you love w/o being married?
Is it ok to have sex with a person you are in love with w/o being married?
Is it ok to fight/argue?
Is it ok to "air" your business on any social network site?

and the list goes on and on...

Now I know the bible has certain verses that pertain to some of these... and a lot of these verses can be taken many different ways... for and against.

I believe in Jesus Christ... I believe that He came, sacrificed himself so that we may go to heaven. I believe that without a shadow of doubt in my head.
Yea sometimes it would just be easier to turn toward the easier path that society has created... and there have been times that I was weak and did go that way... strayed off the "right" path many many times... and I am sure I will again. Does that make me a bad Christian??

It would be easier to act wild and crazy... to be promiscuous... to drown my sorrows in alcohol, men and/or drugs...

But honestly... I would rather not....

I want to be a Christian.
I enjoy not being "trashed" when I go and hang out with my friends and then being hung over and feeling like crap the next day.
Yes, I swear from time to time... I try my hardest not too.. but it does slip out.
Yes, I enjoy having a couple drinks from time to time... (and normally pay for it if I have 1 too many... but don't take that as I am crazy drunk or anything like that)
And yes I struggle with sexual ideas, sex and anything to do with that... (i would say that my biggest issue lol)

I am not a perfect person... but I am still a Christian... is that possible??!! yes.. we are human... and only human... we fall short of perfection... EVERYONE does...

I still struggle day to day with my things that go thru my mind, my heart and also my actions... and I am sure even by my peers I will be judged for it all... I will survive...

My heart belongs to the Lord. period.