Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Change can be quick

I woke up this morning with a scary realization... things in a relationship, feelings and such... can change so quick... in less than a week...
I woke up so sad this morning realizing that things are changing. Its only been 3 months, and I can already see things changing.
More and more everyday, I feel less and less like a girlfriend.
We used to see each other almost every day. Or at least every other day... now its a couple days before we see each other, and he makes no move to come and see me... and honestly I dont either. I have learned with him not to make plans with him becuase something always seems to come up. But it just feels like I am not an importance to him like I used to be.
Is this normal? I have never worried before if a boyfriend wants me as his girlfriend.. Yea I have worried about if a man is cheating on me... but I am not really worried about that with him... just that I am not right for him...
Is this normal? Is this a normal part of a relationship? Maybe he's just getting tired of me? And maybe I am just over analyzing the whole thing and theres nothing even wrong...
maybe its just me.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

sex... gggrr

I apparently have an above average sexual appetite... (mom if you decide to read this.. you may want to stop now)...Now this doesn't mean I am a whore and will sleep with whomever to getoff... but when I am in a relationship... I do want sex.. more than I should.. like everyday... 2x a day sometimes... and unless Im puking, Im in the mood.
Well my ex... was the complete opposite... he/we would go week with out having sex.. and it drove me nuts! He would get worried about somethng... and wouldnt ever be in the mood. :-(
There were nights I literally begged, I initiated only for him to say no and turn around, or for him not even to touch me when we went to be because he knew I wanted to make love to him... This seriously effected me.. and I am learning, it still does to this day.
I feel like nothing. I felt ugly and fat. I felt like he wasnt attracted to me, that he was cheating on me or wanted to cheat on me. I felt like he didnt want to be with me, that there was something wrong with me, that I wasnt good enough, that I was just WRONG. This went on for longer than I even want to recall... and till this day, even thinking about it leaves a hole in my stomach and brings tears to my eyes.
Well a new man in my life is not into sex as much as I am either. We have had many convos about this... and there has been times he's turned me down... it hurt but at least he explained it to me... but then there are other times that he has said that if I initiate anything... he will be willing... that was the key I thought... Well I realized the other night.. NOPE. I initiated intimacy between us... and nothing.. this time he didnt even explain... he just laid there... didnt bother saying, I dont feel like it tonite hun so dont bother... Im not in the mood... nothing... so I got up, hurt but not wanting him really to know how I was feeling and left the room... When I got back, I laid down and tryed to just go to sleep and ignore him... then he was like: are you mad at me? I told him no, im not mad. Which I wasnt. I was hurt. He was just like. sorry im not in the mood. Just short. So then Im like are you pissed at me? He was like no. Hm.
I guess he dont get it...
I wasn't hurt at him so much. I was just hurt at the whole situation. It brought back so many memories... hurtful memories. Painful memories... memories that even now,as I write this, bring tears to my eyes. It brought back all of those same feelings. That same emptyness.
I guess I shouldn't have assumed because earlier in the day he acted like he wanted to have sex with me... I guess I shouldnt have assumed because it had been a few days since we had sex let alone seen each other that I thought we would be having sex...
but I am not sure if I will be able to initiate the intimacy anymore... I dont want to feel that let down, that sadness, that self doubt... and I am sure he wont understand.

Monday, September 14, 2009

and on with the battle

Not exacting sure how coherant this blog post will be... I am getting sick or my allergies that I just started having.. are acting up... but I am wanting to post.. I have stuff I want to say.. but even as I type a word on here... and erase it again.. and again.. I am wondering if this will even make sence when i hit the publish post button.. but I guess we shall see...

I think of myself as having unwaviering faith... that no matter what the situation..I always have faith in my Lord that things will work it. That He has a master plan for all that is happening.. and that everything has a purpose and that there is a lesson behind everything...

But sometimes I wonder about my faith.. This will be the first time I have ever mentioned anything like this to any one.. about my thoughts...
I am not sure why I do have the thoughts in my head that I do. I am not sure why I have the doubts in my head that I do... I know I think way to much, and I definetely over analyze everything way to much... I know this.. but in away I do enjoy it.. but then also it is my own little personal hell...
Almost on a daily basis, I do wonder not so much that there is a God.. I believe there is 100%. But I wonder if He is as we make him out to be.
A long standing argument that my ex and I had was over the bible. He didnt belive in it too much... That it was written by man.. yes God infulenced.. but still written by man. How do we know that the bible isnt biased? How do we know that it just isnt that one persons view on what was going on? And when the preacher is preaching.. it is his interpretation of what the bible says... How do we know that it is right? And to a point I completely see his argument. How do we know that what we hear in Church is the truth? How do we know that the man standing up front of the church is telling us the truth? or that he isnt up there giving us "his version" of the truth?
Another constant battle that goes on in my head... and I went into this in a previous post... Is how do I know that what I am thinking, that what I am feeling, that what I am wanting, and then what the outcome ends up being, are from God? How do I know that me doing this one thing, or dating this one person, or talking to this other person is from God? How do I know that it isnt the devil interferring in my life... leading me down a path that I unknowingly head, and it ends up in hell? How do I know answers to my prayers are from God? How do I know that they are not evil?
There are definetely somethings that go on in my life that I can completely see as the devil doing his work. And somethings that I see the Lord. but there a lot of times that I am confused on the whole thing... Like my relationship right now with my boyfriend... I love him so much. He has been my best friends for a very long time... We are good together. And he is one of the few men I have ever been with that I feel I can really completely talk to and be myself around and not have a fear that I am being judged, scrutinized or that anything I say will come back in the future and held against me. But he is not a Christian. He has gone to church with me, he has gone to bible study with me, and has said that he will go again and has even said that he is gonna tke me on the days that I dont go. But I wonder about the whole thing.. is this something that God wants me in? I know there is a reason for it all.. but I wonder...
And there are many other instances in my life where I wonder if this is the situation that God wants me in? But then I think about Job. He had faith like no other man. And the devil came in and tried to test his faith and get him to turn away from the Lord. So maybe things that I question are tests for me. Tests to make my faith stronger not weaker..
I do know that the Lord has a great plan for me... an ever changing plan but a plan non-the- less. And I just need to keep my faith and know that God is there... even in my doubt.

The Lord replied, "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it would obey you! Luke 17:6

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Great Weekend!!

I had a great weekend with my boyfriend...
I don't want to brag.. but it was wonderful! He was super sweet to me Friday! He mowed my grass for me and then went and picked up the messes around my house... When I got home, I found a bouquet of roses waiting for me on my coffee table :-). He had called my mom already and asked if she would babysit for us for the evening, then he took me out to dinner at Brio :-) We had a wonderful time there. Great food. Great convorsations! Afterward, he asked me what I wanted to do... Go for a walk on the beach or go to the movies.. I automatically opted for the walk.. That is something we so rarely do... So that is what we did. And again great Convos! That is one thing I can say about my boyfriend, We have the best converstations. I mean yea there are times when we dont say much or I dont feel like what I am saying is being heard... but I do love talking to my boyfriend.
I feel like we did get closer to each other this weekend.. which somewhat scares me... I am scared to get close to someone, to open my heart to them.. for fear of getting hurt... but i guess that is what happens in a relationship... and you have to hope and pray for the best! :-)

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Battle in my head...

I was driving down the road on my way to pick up my kids the other day... and I was praying... and right now I can not remember what I was praying about.. but I do know I was praying... and I remember thinking "I wonder if the Lord will answer my prayer" then another thought popped into my head... what if my prayer is answered but not by God but by satan? My mom always told me that the devil hears your prayers also. So how do I know that when a prayer has been answered that its what God wants?
This has been a never ending battle in my head... is what I am doing right? is what happeneing God's will or the devils?
How do you know that even when everything seems right and perfect... its aint all wrong?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


ugh i am just in a funk or something lately. i just feel so blah. so mundane... like i am going thru the motions of life but not really living it. its hard to expalian and probably if you have never been here than you might not understand. i just feel like something is missing from my life... like something isnt right.. this isnt the way my life is supposed to be. I used to think it was cuz i didnt have a boyfriend... then i had a boyfriend.. and i still wasnt happy so i broke up with him thinking it was him... and i still wasnt happy... and its not so much that i am not happy.. i am very happy. I just feel like something is missing.. like my life should be more fulfilling. I have felt this way for about 2 years now... and I dont get it. I know im in a job i dont care for.. and have been for awhile now.. and i wonder if maybe that is it? if i had a new job.. if i would feel better? but when if i dont? I just want to feel satisfied.. I want to feel like when i come home... it good.. that when i wake up.. its not going to be just another day... just the same ole same ole everyday. I have patience that the Lord has a plan for me.. I believe this with my whole heart and soul.. and I think that is the only thing that has kept me going as long as I have... I know He has a plan for me... That this is a test or learning period for me... That things will get better... I just have to be patient. And patience is not one of my strongest abilities at all. Anyone that knows me will tell you that... So maybe that is what this is all about... patience for me...