Sunday, November 29, 2009

baby girls bday

My daughter turned 3 yesterday... I thought it would be a better day than it was...
Both of the kids were in wonderfully cranky moods. Boy decided he wanted to argue and fight about anything and everything and girl was gonna throw hissy fits about everything that she didnt like.
We were supposed to go to the rainforest and then to Chuck E Cheese. Needless to say.... we didnt go to the rainforest. We ended up going to Chuch E Cheese for dinner... It was kinda sad for me... The whole day was kinda sad.
My daughters father, who has been saying he's changed and what not... didnt even come over or at least call to wish his daughter a happy bday. That broke my heart for two different reasons... 1... how sad that her father cant even come by to see her on her bday... luckily, she didnt notice... 2... i thot he had changed... he had been saying he wants me back and what not... and i thot he was a good man... guess not...
At chuck e cheese i was a lil depressed... I seen all these happy family together or at least friends together... and there i was ... alone...
but it was still fun... i played with the kids and girly had a lot of fun... so that was what was important!
after that we came home and had presents and cake and ice cream...
i think over all it was a good day...


Well I wanted to write this on Thanksgiving Day... but honestly, I wasn't in the most upbeat mood to write anything. It took me a couple days... but I am good now... i think. lol.

I wanted to write a blog about what I am thankful for....

~ My Lord. My faith. Without my Lord, I wouldnt be able to get thru anything in my life.

~ My kids. Even tho they push me to my limits... they are my everything.

~ My parents. They are always there for me no matter what.

~ My friends. Even tho more and more lately, it seems like I have less interaction with some of my friends... I still love them all very much.

~ All the things I have been thru. Without the situations I have been in, I wouldnt be the person that I am today. The good the bad and the ugly... its all made me who I am.

~ My daughters father... as odd as it sounds,I am really thankful for him... without him... so much in my life wouldnt be the way it is... I wouldnt be saved, I woudlnt be as close with my dad as I am, I wouldnt have a beautiful baby girl, I wouldnt have people down in NC that I feel like family...

~ My ex's... because of them.. so many things in my life wouldnt be they way they are...

~ My job... thankful I still have one!!!

there is so much in life to be thankful for... even in bad situations... there is some good... you just need to be open to it.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

stress and just letting go

I over think everything... sometimes I wish I could just turn my brain off. I wish I didnt have constant battle of back and forth and what if's going thru my brain non stop.
The men in my life, I know hate this because I am always over thinking every move they make, words they speak... I never used to be this bad.. or maybe I just didnt notice it as much...

One thing tho... I have learned that yes, I have faith... but that hasn't stopped the worrying.
I try and put all the problems I have and all the stress that I have at the foot of the cross and let go... but I have been having a lot of difficulty with that lately. Somethings are definetely easier to do that with.. but with the issue of my heart right now and the stress of my dad... i just couldnt stop worrying..
I am double checking things and doubt things instead of just letting it go... and leaving it up to God.
I will need to pray on this and make this something to work on...

Monday, November 16, 2009

redoing a few things

Things have been very caotic around my house... around my life really... especically when it comes to my kids... esp. my son. He has such a confusing schedule.. but being a single mom, and I am not really sure how else to handle things... He rides the bus to my dads 3x a week. 1x a week i pick him up and 1x a week my ex- mother in law picks him up.
Well I went online last week to check his grades... and I have found out that he hasnt been turning in homework, and isnt doing good in school... Normally my parents help him with his home work till i get off work and go and pick him up, but apparently either he isnt even bringing it home.. or he isnt even turning it in.
So ... I have made a few choices.
I sat down over the weekend made some standard rules that wll apply at my home, and everyone elses home where my son goes. These are them:
No hitting
No biting
Use indoor voice
no temper tantrums
put toys away before bed
put dirty clothes in hamper
no running in the house
clear plate from table
ask b/4 tv, games, computer
tell mom if someone is at the door - do not answer
clean up your mess
no whining
use nice words
wash hands
brush teeth
wipe yourself
flush toilette
say please and thank you
be respectful
what mom says goes
no slamming doors
no throwing things out of anger
use deoderant
put clean clothes away
clean room 1x a week/ make bed
talk nicely and sweetly- watch the tone of your voice
clean up any mess- even if its not yours
put things where they belong, even if you didnt take them out
no smiling or laughing when getting repremanded
do not talk back
do not argue
only 1 warning
time out/in room/remove from situation
write sentences/letter of apology
no game cube
no ds
in room for period of time/night w/ the door closed
:-) for a good day. not in trouble ats school or at home.
6 :-) in a row- Movie night- get to pick out the movie to watch, popcorn, ice cream, snacks of choice
12 :-) in a row- Chuck E Cheese
18 :-) $5 toy
24 :-) $10 toy
and we will go from there... and see how this all works out.
He seems excited so far!!

Friday, November 13, 2009

being daddy

I have been dating a guy now for a little over 4 1/2 months. He was my best friend and honestly still is. He is the best guy I have ever dated (sadly to say)
Last night he got up set with me and I got irritate with him.
I am having issues with my son. He is 7. in 2nd grade. He is disobedient, talks back , and is disrespectful at time. I do the best I can as a single mom but I feel like nothing I do is good enough.
well last night my son was getting ready for bed.. had his snack and then asked for more.. i told him he could have an apple and something to drink... he threw a fet.. he didnt like apples. I told him that it was apple or nothing... so he took the apple and then asked me to peel it and cutt it for him. I told him no. up till that day he never needed it like that and that I was busy getting his sister to bed and he needed to get to bed too. he threw a fit.. went to his room and started screaming for me to cut his apple. i went and closed his door... this made things worse. i got his sister into bed... and his screaming continued.. i went into his room and told him that he wasnt going to get it cut and if he didnt stop screaming and acting a fool i was going to take the apple and close his door... at this time my boyfriend comes and starts yelling at my son also. we leave the room... and a few minutes later.. the screaming continues well it never stopped... and i again try and talk to him.. and teh bf comes in and starts yell... this time i am very irritated... we leave the room and i tell him that my son doesnt need both of us in there yelling at him at the same time.. i can handle it, i am in charge.
he gets mad and goes outside for a cigarrette..
i finally get some son to settle down and go to sleep.
the bf barely says anything to me for the rest of the night and goes to bed early with out me.
this has been something that has been happening for the past few week... my bf acts on emotion.. reacts in anger towards me son... and I believe over punishes.. (sentences, takign things away, grounding to room etc.) My boyfriend isnt there everyday... and I am the one who has to full the punishment... which isnt a big deal.. but when its something i feel is overwhelming... like multiple punishments for little things... it irriates me some...
we have talked about this and he has even admited that he does go over board with things... and he doesnt think i handle my children the way i should.. i need to be harder on my son (even tho i am told by other people that i am too hard on him) and that his mom was hard on him.. disaplined in , grounded, yelled, spanked, etc... and yea hes a decent person now... but it took this long for the point to get across... so is that way of disaplining the "right" way.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

God has a plan

God has a plan... that has been a phase that has gotten me through so much. And it also seems to be my way of helping friends get through their own rough patches in life. God has a plan.

He has a plan, and even tho you may not be exactly where YOU want to be, He will place you exactly where HE WANTS you to be.

A good friend of mine was dating a lovely man for a few weeks. She is the type of person that falls hard and falls fast. She thought that he was the one. She thought that they were perfect for each other. And she thought that he felt the same. The this last Saturday he came over and said he wanted to talk. He told her that he did care about her, but he wasnt ready for dating. He just wanted to be friends. He had some issues from his past he wanted to work through and couldnt do that while dating her. She was heart broken. To make matters worse, she logged into facebook and see that he had changed his status to single... and here for dating. She just couldnt grasp this. He was perfect for her. He was the one she wanted to spend her life with... and he didnt feel the same... and now was on to find someone new. She came to me... I told her that he wasnt the one. That God brought that man into her life for a reason... she may not see it yet, and may never see the reason clearly, but there is a reason. She still didnt understand why she kept getting heartbroken. I told her maybe it was because the one person that God has already chosen for her has been so heartbroken too that you need to know what that is like to better be able to relate and understand and love this person just the way God intended. Also that maybe God is trying to get you to see HIM. When things go good in our life, we dont feel like we need anything, we can handle everything ourselfs... but when we are down, sad, depressed, hungry, tired, poor, weak whatever.. we realize that we can not do it alone... we need help. we need God.

No matter what is going on in my life, I turn to God. If its good- I praise and honestly even if its bad- I praise. I can see so many times in my life where if I hadn't gone thru the struggles, I wouldnt be where or who I am today.

5 years ago, I married my highschool sweetheart. 4months later we had seperated and a little over a year we were divorsed. Partying, drinking, and my friends were more important to me than my husband and at time my son. I was going out 3-4x a week partying, leaving my son at home with my parents... then one day a man came into my life- Travis. I kept on doing what I was doing. He told me he loved me and eventually I fell madly in love with him... and I changed. I stopped partying. I became a family person. I was there for him and I was there for my son again. Fast forward 2 years and we were seperated and I had a one year old by him... but I was still madly in love. He had my heart and he knew it and took advantage of it. I was always there for him but when I needed him... He was never there... He broke my heart beyond words could express... and because I was so down, I got down on my knees and gave my life over to Christ.
Now I havent been perfect since that point... but my life did change... and if it werent for Travis, I wouldnt be saved.

For about 2 years I had been praying to find a church. One that I would love, that I wouldnt fall asleep in (lol)and one that was a good Christian chruch. Well the thing with this was, I really didnt go out searching for a church. With 2 kids that are very clingy on to me, getting up and going to chruch with them just seemed very overwhelming. So needless to say, I didnt go very often. Then last summer I met a guy- Pete. We started dating and things were ok... but there were a lot of issues and a lot of warning signs that he wasnt someone I should spend my life with... so I eventually broke up with him. But before I did, one Sunday, I convinced him that I wanted to go to church so he took me to one that he had gone to bible study at years past. The chuch left a memerable mark in my head. The following Christmas I went there for their Christmas eve service and in January I started going there every Sunday and in Feb got baptised. God answered my prayer in a way that I didnt expect him to. And even though I hurt from this relationship with Pete, it was for good... I found a church. He was brought into my life for a reason.

I can see so many different ways that God has made things happen in my life for a purpose. He has a plan set out for me... a husband in mind... and even kids (if i am to have anymore) set aside for me... JUST ME. I may turn down a different path that He originally plowed for me, but he takes that new path that I am going on and plows it back back to the way he wants me to go.

He has a Plan.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Dear Diary,
Me and my bf had a lil talk last night. I had received a text message from an old friend... a man I had cheated on my ex with. I cheated on my ex many times... My bf was like I thot it was only once... I said no. I dont tell many people about this. It was more than once. I was young and stupid. I have no excuse... what I did was unexcusable. I will always have to live with knowing I was that person, that person who cheats. I will NEVER be that person again.
I am completely honest with my bf (and even past bf) about me cheating. Sooner or later they would find out, its not a secret.
So anyway.
My bf the other night told me that he was afraid that I would cheat on him eventually. Especially cuz I didnt cheat on my ex till years into the relationship. It didnt consume him, but it does cross his mind from time to time. It made me realize that soemthing I did YEARS ago, still effects me and my relationships till this day. And honestly if the shoes were on my feet, Id be the same way. The funny thing is. I can relate now to what my bf told me. My past boyfriend told me it bothered him and that he thot I would cheat on him too... but the way he told me was angry. It was belittling and made me feel like I needed to defend myself to him. Where my bf now talked to me about it. Explained how he felt and why. Its amazing now how much different I feel about me cheating. Before it was just something I did. Now its something shameful that I did.

God is amazing.