The End of the Weekend

It has been a rough weekend and I haven’t been in the best mood.

Saturday morning I woke up extra tired. I just wanted 10 more minutes of sleep. Just 10 more minutes, but of course I needed to get to the church for bible study and work.  I woke up to find that the babies were into a bunch of my work stuff.  I repeat myself multiple times every single day that they are NOT to touch ANYTHING THAT IS NOT THEIRS.   I feel like no matter what I say or what punishments I give, they just don’t think or care if it feels like. I know that it is good that you are curious and all of that… but they also need to learn right and wrong.  I don’t know what else to do to implement that into their heads.

Then, my teenage son, I feel manipulated me this past weekend.  That made me very angry and very hurt.  I am still feeling that way. I am just so tired of how he acts and treats everyone. I am tired of always being a mom and loving to him. I am tired of always trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and him always proving me wrong and everyone else right. I see so much potential in him though I am sure every mom says that about their child even when they are messing up everything in their life.  He is hard-headed like me and has to learn life the hard way but making the mistakes himself and learning from them… I need to let go and let him do that.  He will be 18 in May and hopefully graduated in June.  At that point, I honestly have no clue what his plans are or what he is planning to do if anything different than what he is currently doing minus the highschool part.  I just keep praying every day for him, for his mind, his heart and his future.  God has a plan for him.

I am just on the edge of being burnt out I feel. My full-time job has become very overwhelming. I have to bring work home with me every night…. most nights I don’t even get to it because I have so much at home that needs to get done.   I feel like I am failing at my full-time job and it is affecting my home life and my other jobs because I am constantly trying to do as much as possible as quickly as possible so I can get as much done as possible.   I am two months behind on my homework for my class. I need to get that caught up and completed this week before my next class this weekend.  Life just feels like its never-ending. I just need a day- a full day to myself. No kids. No jobs. Just me… to stay in bed, read, meditate, have time with God.  Something needs to change. And even right now as I am writing this blog, I feel like I should be working. I should be doing something else.

But the only thing I am going to do now is head to bed. I am exhausted. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better and my mind will be more settled and focused on what it needs to be done.

 

 

The End of the Weekend

It has been a rough weekend and I haven’t been in the best mood.

Saturday morning I woke up extra tired. I just wanted 10 more minutes of sleep. Just 10 more minutes, but of course I needed to get to the church for bible study and work.  I woke up to find that the babies were into a bunch of my work stuff.  I repeat myself multiple times every single day that they are NOT to touch ANYTHING THAT IS NOT THEIRS.   I feel like no matter what I say or what punishments I give, they just don’t think or care if it feels like. I know that it is good that you are curious and all of that… but they also need to learn right and wrong.  I don’t know what else to do to implement that into their heads.

Then, my teenage son, I feel manipulated me this past weekend.  That made me very angry and very hurt.  I am still feeling that way. I am just so tired of how he acts and treats everyone. I am tired of always being a mom and loving to him. I am tired of always trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and him always proving me wrong and everyone else right. I see so much potential in him though I am sure every mom says that about their child even when they are messing up everything in their life.  He is hard-headed like me and has to learn life the hard way but making the mistakes himself and learning from them… I need to let go and let him do that.  He will be 18 in May and hopefully graduated in June.  At that point, I honestly have no clue what his plans are or what he is planning to do if anything different than what he is currently doing minus the highschool part.  I just keep praying every day for him, for his mind, his heart and his future.  God has a plan for him.

I am just on the edge of being burnt out I feel. My full-time job has become very overwhelming. I have to bring work home with me every night…. most nights I don’t even get to it because I have so much at home that needs to get done.   I feel like I am failing at my full-time job and it is affecting my home life and my other jobs because I am constantly trying to do as much as possible as quickly as possible so I can get as much done as possible.   I am two months behind on my homework for my class. I need to get that caught up and completed this week before my next class this weekend.  Life just feels like its never-ending. I just need a day- a full day to myself. No kids. No jobs. Just me… to stay in bed, read, meditate, have time with God.  Something needs to change. And even right now as I am writing this blog, I feel like I should be working. I should be doing something else.

But the only thing I am going to do now is head to bed. I am exhausted. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better and my mind will be more settled and focused on what it needs to be done.

 

 

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Getting Centered

I ended up waking up late this morning and missing church.  I hate when that happens. It doesn’t happen a lot thankfully but it’s like by Sunday’s my body is just done from the week. Sunday morning comes along and I have to force myself just to get up and moving.  Then as soon as I get home from church- it’s right to bed for a couple hour nap.  That is my Sunday tradition. A Nap. Without it I don’t know how I would make it through the week… and sometimes the alarm just isn’t loud enough on Sunday morning. Then I have a struggle dialog in my head throughout the rest of my day. I should have gone to church. I feel guilty. I feel discouraged. Then the other side is telling me, I must have needed that extra sleep, that I needed this time at home, that I can have my time with God that I haven’t had in a very long time. I miss it so much.

I feel like I am stuck in a slump. Like there is so much I want to change and it’s like no matter what I do or think or plan…. I just can’t get any of it accomplished.

I want to start getting up early so I can have time with God before work… morning comes and I am so tired, I just want “5 more minutes”… until its the absolute last second before I have to leave for work and I run around like crazy trying to hurry and get ready.

I want to go to the gym after work. It is literally 5 minutes from my work, right on my way home… and I have my clothes and shoes in the car for the last 2 weeks so I can go straight after work… and yet I haven’t been once. I want to, but then I start thinking about all the people. Looking at me as I walk in. Judging me as I try to figure out what I want to do and how to do it. Laughing and whispering to their friends about me.  And I know none of that is true nor does it matter, but in my head, it’s very true.

I just keep thinking if I get this done, I will have more time. If I get caught up with laundry, I can do more things I want. If I… If I… If I…  The “if I’s” never seem to work out.

It is a daily struggle.

This song has helped me the last couple of days with just getting my mind and spirit centered where it needs to be.

I need to get back to where God is at the center of everything- not just when I have the time or the energy. He needs to be the center of my being.

Check out the song and let me know what you think!!

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Getting Centered

I ended up waking up late this morning and missing church.  I hate when that happens. It doesn’t happen a lot thankfully but it’s like by Sunday’s my body is just done from the week. Sunday morning comes along and I have to force myself just to get up and moving.  Then as soon as I get home from church- it’s right to bed for a couple hour nap.  That is my Sunday tradition. A Nap. Without it I don’t know how I would make it through the week… and sometimes the alarm just isn’t loud enough on Sunday morning. Then I have a struggle dialog in my head throughout the rest of my day. I should have gone to church. I feel guilty. I feel discouraged. Then the other side is telling me, I must have needed that extra sleep, that I needed this time at home, that I can have my time with God that I haven’t had in a very long time. I miss it so much.

I feel like I am stuck in a slump. Like there is so much I want to change and it’s like no matter what I do or think or plan…. I just can’t get any of it accomplished.

I want to start getting up early so I can have time with God before work… morning comes and I am so tired, I just want “5 more minutes”… until its the absolute last second before I have to leave for work and I run around like crazy trying to hurry and get ready.

I want to go to the gym after work. It is literally 5 minutes from my work, right on my way home… and I have my clothes and shoes in the car for the last 2 weeks so I can go straight after work… and yet I haven’t been once. I want to, but then I start thinking about all the people. Looking at me as I walk in. Judging me as I try to figure out what I want to do and how to do it. Laughing and whispering to their friends about me.  And I know none of that is true nor does it matter, but in my head, it’s very true.

I just keep thinking if I get this done, I will have more time. If I get caught up with laundry, I can do more things I want. If I… If I… If I…  The “if I’s” never seem to work out.

It is a daily struggle.

This song has helped me the last couple of days with just getting my mind and spirit centered where it needs to be.

I need to get back to where God is at the center of everything- not just when I have the time or the energy. He needs to be the center of my being.

Check out the song and let me know what you think!!

What anxiety looks like… to me.

This is what anxiety looks like to me.

Its standing frozen in one spot continually biting the skin around my finger- not able to move forward with anything until that little piece of skin on my finger feels just right.

It’s feeling like there are ants with needled feet crawling up and down your entire body but on the inside.

It’s feeling like I can’t sit still but I also can’t get up and move.

It’s shaking my entire body trying to get rid of this feeling over and over again without any relief.

It’s just wanting to curl up in bed and never leave.

It’s that constant nagging fear that something is wrong or is going to go wrong or I am wrong but not really knowing why or how or what.

It’s clicking on your mouse at different links but never really reading anything.

It’s doing everything but what you are supposed to be doing.

It’s thinking that if I do this or that I will feel better but again- no relief.

It’s feeling like my stomach has joined a gymnastics team and thinks they are great… but really they are not.

It’s taking an extra dose of Prozac and not getting any relief.

It’s wanting your hubby and kids to love on you but not wanting to be touched either.

I know it will pass. I know I won’t always feel like this…  but in it, it feels like it will never end.

 

What anxiety looks like… to me.

This is what anxiety looks like to me.

Its standing frozen in one spot continually biting the skin around my finger- not able to move forward with anything until that little piece of skin on my finger feels just right.

It’s feeling like there are ants with needled feet crawling up and down your entire body but on the inside.

It’s feeling like I can’t sit still but I also can’t get up and move.

It’s shaking my entire body trying to get rid of this feeling over and over again without any relief.

It’s just wanting to curl up in bed and never leave.

It’s that constant nagging fear that something is wrong or is going to go wrong or I am wrong but not really knowing why or how or what.

It’s clicking on your mouse at different links but never really reading anything.

It’s doing everything but what you are supposed to be doing.

It’s thinking that if I do this or that I will feel better but again- no relief.

It’s feeling like my stomach has joined a gymnastics team and thinks they are great… but really they are not.

It’s taking an extra dose of Prozac and not getting any relief.

It’s wanting your hubby and kids to love on you but not wanting to be touched either.

I know it will pass. I know I won’t always feel like this…  but in it, it feels like it will never end.

 

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Mind Mush

I feel like my mind is just a big blob at the moment.  

I can’t think right. 

I have so much to do and yet, I am just sitting here staring at everything. 

I have work to do, blogs to write, a website or 2 to get set up and hopefully running… I have a business that I am trying to start that I need to get details figured out. 

And my brain is in overload/shut down mode. I can not concentrate on one single thing.. 

I just need to get started. Just start with one thing, but honestly, I have no motivation. 

God is with me though. I feel His presence next to me. It will all work out. 

 

Mind Mush

I feel like my mind is just a big blob at the moment.  

I can’t think right. 

I have so much to do and yet, I am just sitting here staring at everything. 

I have work to do, blogs to write, a website or 2 to get set up and hopefully running… I have a business that I am trying to start that I need to get details figured out. 

And my brain is in overload/shut down mode. I can not concentrate on one single thing.. 

I just need to get started. Just start with one thing, but honestly, I have no motivation. 

God is with me though. I feel His presence next to me. It will all work out. 

 

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