Wednesday, July 30, 2008

stuck like glue...

why is it when a girl gets with a guy... she stuck on him like glue...
forgets about her friends... her obligations... her normal life...
and sticks with him even tho all the warning signs are there... that they will not last, that he is not good?

i know so many of my friends that have been like this... and I can even say that I have too....
but why?

is it that as a woman we need to have someoen there to make us feel complete?
is it that we need to have someone there to love?
is it that we just dont think we deserve better?

why are we willing to give up so much and get nothing in return?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Karma

Ok...
I have heard of the whole karma thing.. and what goes around comes around... and I am definetely living proof of that... but how long do i have to pay for my past mistakes???

With my ex husband is when i made most if not all of my huge mistakes...
I cheated on him, i lied to him, and I hurt him severely...
And for the past 3 years... I feel like I am paying for all of those mistakes.

In my last relationship with my daughters father... I was miserable for most of it... (and for some stupid reason... he was my first real true love-stupid i know)...
He would do so many of the things that I did to my ex husband... like make me beg for sex... I rarely ever wanted to have sex when I was with my ex husband... and so we did once in a while... maybe once a week or a little bit more... and it was to please him... With my daughters father... it was about the same... only it was always me initiating having sex with him... me begging him for it... and then I only got it maybe once a week... if i was lucky...
and that is just one example...

so now i am wondering... if everything that i do... going to come back to haunt me... will i always get my ass kicked by karma? because even till this day... i feel like i still am... I still see things that i did to him (the sneekiness, the lying, the makin excuses for things)...
and i know i was a bitch to my ex-husband... and i regret the way i did him and how much i hurt him... but should i have to pay for the rest of my life for those mistakes??

screwiing it up

Ok.. so my boy finally asked me to be his girl friend... and everything was great... then i dunno what happen with me...
I have become so freaking insecure you wouldnt belive... and i am not really sure why.
Over the weekend my boyfriend left his old phone at my house... and i decided to play with it some... and i ended up reading a lot of his old text messages that he sent his ex's before me and him were official... or hell ever really dating dating... but it still upset me a lil bit. and i know it shouldnt have cuz i had sent similar messages to my ex too... so i told him how i felt and we talked about it and we were good..
well last nite we were sitting there and he was listening to a song on his new phone that he just downloaded... and it was a song that he said messaged his ex that it reminded him of her...
should have i gotten upset? it really hurt me. eventually i told him that it was bothering me (after like 20 min of him asking me what was wrong)... and he said that he liked the song before her.. and it was just something that one part reminded him of her at one time.. but it was still his favorite song regardless...
but ever since then.. i feel like now there is this distance between me and him... and i dunno... i am so in love with him... and yet i am so freaking scared of being hurt, being lied to and being cheated on... my ex sure did a number on me... and i didnt realize it till now...
i am trying to trust him.. and not think the way that i am thinking right now... but its hard...

am i wrong for thinking the way that i am? should i trust him? what should i do?

Thursday, July 10, 2008

UN-INSPIRED

I havent wrote in a while...

I have a crap-load list of things that I have thought about that I could blog about...
but when it comes time to actually sit down and write... my mind is blank...
I have all these wonderful thoughts that go on all day long and sometimes all night long too... in my head... of things that I want to say... but then its like as soon as my fingers touch the keyboard... blank.. nothing.. nada.. zilch.

So I need some inspiration...

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

falling...

i think i am finally letting go. finally falling in love again...
i think i was trying to look for reason not too
i think i was trying to look for any little sign
i think i was trying to have a reason to condem him
i think i was trying to not even give him a chance...
i think my heart has opened up a lil more
i think it was just this past weekend
i think i realized how much i do care
i think i realized how great of a guy he his
i think i realize that he is human and has his flaws
i think i know i can get over some
i ithink i am finally letting go
and i think i am finally falling in love again...

change is good?!

Why is it... that why we get into a relationship we try to get the other person to change their physical appearance? You need to lose weight, gain weight, cut your hair, let it grow, color it this, color it that, get a tan, quit tanning etc...
If I wasnt the way that you wanted me to be when you first met me... then why did you get with me in the first place?
Why as humans do we need to change the one that we are with? Are you less attractive to that person if they dont have the features that you find attractive? Are you reminded of an ex or of someone that you want to be with now but cant?
why does there have to be change?

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

the things lil boys do...

Went to lunch today with my daddy... I love my dad. He's great. He's hilarious. He's a typical grumpy perverted old man!
Today we were talking about our childhoods... and he was telling me about some of the things that he did as a lil kid...
Like making his younger brother piss on an electrical fence for a quarter.... as his bro was peeing, the electrical current went up to his lil dick and shocked the crap out of him... he went flying backwards and landed in the grass some odd feet away... got up... brushed himself off and walked over to my dad and asked for his quarter!
Another time his older brother whom could hold a lot of electricity would grab onto the electrical fence and then have someone grab on to his hand... and they would go down the row... and aparently the harder you hold on the less shock you get... so this is one time you cant be a pussy and barely touch another dude... the whole idea was to see who could hold on the longest... and apparently the one who held on to the fence got the least amount of shock... then one at the end... got the most... (who does stuff like this?)
Or how him and his brothers and his friends would get together and play "war" with sling shots and bebe guns! and then my dad proceeds to show me where he got hit with a bebe on his forehead... (ok the head trama... that explains a lot!! wonder if he was dropped a couple times on his head too?? hhhmm)
Wonder how he would feel if his grandson was out there doing some of the same things he did as a kid?!