Friday, May 29, 2009

Realization Friday

I have come to realize:

~ I am not as nosey as I used to be about peoples myspace and facebook pages
~ I enjoy being busy at work or at home
~ i find time for my blogs but not always time for emails to friends
~ that I like being the only one at work
~ that idiotic people irritate me
~ I love God more and more everyday
~ I have an odd sense of humor
~ that my realization thoughts are repetitive
~ that I used to be a good speller
~ when I am nervous I rub my hands together
~ I have too many animals
~ I have a lot of good plans- just very little follow thru
~ I can be a procrastinator
~ I am extra crabby when I am tired

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


At church yesterday, one of the members got up and talked to us about a hard time he had had in his life. He gave us this quote from Warren Wiersbe: "...the past must be a rudder to guide us in the future and not an anchor to hold us back..." . That really hit home for me.

The previous night I spent crying. I had no kids, yet nothing to do... except think, and think I did... about my past, about my hurt, and I dwelled on that hurt... till it consumed me... and till this day I am still depressed from it. I was up till about 330am crying and thinking unable to sleep. Feeling so alone in this world dwelling on my past.

My past has become an anchor.

My past is holding me back from living. From loving. From beingcompletely happy.

I still hurt from my past...

I have come to realize... i am in mourning... mourning over my life... my past.. my friends... and how things are changing...

I am realizing that the friends and the life I have had is slowly drifting away... and to a point it makes me sad... also makes me a little nervous about what the future is going to bring...
I need to realize that situations are changing, that the people in my life are changing...
I need to realize that I have kids, some people arent' going to wanna deal with kids or with me having to get a sitter. I need to realize that I am single... so I am not going to be invited to things where there are all couples. I need to realize that I am a Christian and some people arent going to wanna be around that.
I need to realize that I can't dwell on these things so much. That I need to dwell on the Lord for my happiness and not everyone else. That I have a GREAT future planned out for me by my Father...
I wonder where my path will lead me...

Friday, May 22, 2009


I was on my way into work yesterday... and my ex was texting me. Telling me he loves me and he wants me back. And I love him so much... there is not a day that goes by that I dont think about him, that i dont miss him. Then I remember the pain and the hurt that he has caused me. I think he cheated on me. Maybe not physically or sexually. But while me and him were still together and even tho we were in the midst of knowing it was over, he was trying to get with his ex's and when we split, he moved in with one. To this day he denys any of that, and to this day he lies about the whole situation. When I try and ask him about he changes the subject, ignores the question or just says that I am crazy. (his fav. line for me). But this still hurts me so bad. And even as I write this right now~ I can feel my chest tightening up, that ball begining to form in the base of my tummy, my heart heavy, and the tears starting to form... and I dont wanna cry again... not here, not now... but I know its inevitable because I hurt. He hurt me. and two years later, I am still not over that hurt and that pain and I wonder if I ever will be completely.
And so this makes me think about my ex-husband. Me and him dated for 8 or 9 years, we had a son together, a house, a life. And I cheated on him, before we were ever married, I cheated on him. People ask my why I did it. I dont have a clear answer for them. Because the opportunity was there. Because I was searching for something. Because I was wanting more love, more attention. I dont know really. But I hurt him. I damaged our relationship, and I damaged his heart. Till this day, I still bear that burden of what I did to him, and maybe that is why I hurt so badly from my ex hurting me, I am punishing myself that much more because of what I did to my exhusband. My exhusband was a good man. He loved me more than anything, more than he should have. I was his soulmate. and I hurt him, and he didnt deserve it.
I think he's moved on since then. He's remarried to a good woman. Has a life and a family with her. But this still haunts me till this day... for a while in my life while and right after we divorsed, I was able to move on, to not think about it but it always came back to me. When I was having low moments in my life, I would think about what I did to him, how much I hurt him and I would hurt that much more on top of what I was hurting. But I felt I deserved that pain, this was my punishment, this was karma coming back on me. And to a point even till this day, I feel I deserve the pain and the hurt because of what I put my exhusband thru. He didnt deserve that. He deserved love. Just like I deserved love when my ex hurt me.

**disclaimer: Sorry if any of this is confusing. I just started typing, my thoughts just started pouring out. I have a hard time keeping my thougths in a straight path, they always jump around... So I apologize... :-)

Realization Fridays-2

Ive come to realize:

~ I suck at remembering to write down my thoughts all week to update this.
~ I do have jealousy issues
~ that manybe the way I hurt now, is kinda the way my exhusband hurt
~ I have lust issues
~ that everyone isn't like me
~ that I am just as guilty at judging people-even tho I try very hard not to and I try even harder to not let it effect my way of thinking about them
~ I am obsessed with twitter
~ I think about what I should blog about every single day
~ that when it seems like people in my life dont have time for me, I withdrawl from them to a point
~ I am easily influenced
~ I am easily distracted
~ that my friends must really trust me
~ i have a very sensitive nose- to some things
~ I totally suck at budgetting my money

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


Im sitting here at work... Just in another blah type mood. The Blah type mood seems to be a norm for me here lately.
I dont care for my job. I feel overwhelmed with things- bills, home duties, etc. I feel lonely. I feel unsatisfied. I feel there is so much else out there for me. I feel I am in the need of change, but don't even know where to begin with that.

I have made some new friends via twitter. And God has shown how wonder and how mysterious his ways can be via twitter... I have definetely seen small things that God has blessed me with just thru twitter.
And I have been following a few blogs on blogger. There is one in particular that I read from time to time, and I follow the author on twitter also.
Ill be completely honest... I can not read her posts day to day. I tears at my heart so much. I read her blog and my heart goes out to her. I feel a love for her just because of this blog, yet I dont even know her- just her story. She is going through a very hard situation... yet her love for the Lord is still so strong! She is a true inspiration. Here I am complaining about my life, my petty issues and she is struggling day to day with reality of life and people, but the Lord is still so ever present in her daily life, her thoughts, and especially in her heart!!
I pray for only the best for this woman, becuase she is someone that truely deserves it.

My issues seem so petty compared to hers. Yet, I still let them control my emotions and my thoughts on a daily basis.
I pray that more and more the Lord will help me how to put my life into a better perspective and dwell on all that He has blessed me with and not what I do not have.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A memory from a 3yr old

My first memory that I can recall... I believe I was about 3 years old.
It was with my Grandpa. My moms dad.
I remember my Grandpa chasing me around his house... always saying he was going to wash my feet... a joke between me and him which I cant really remember where it stemmed from...
I remember there was a step down from his kitchen to family room and his family room looped into his dining room and then there was a step up into the kitchen from there also.
He would chase me from the kitchen to the family room to the dining room and then back into the kitchen. I remember that the whole family (my mom, dad, and grandpa) all smoked heavily... and as the sunlight would come into the window you could see it in the smoke. The sunlit smoke area were "danger" zones and had to be avoided.

I also remember being about 4yrs old and going over there with my mom to check on my Grandpa because they hadn't heard from him all day... My dad and brother stayed in the car... I wanna say we had either a blue or green color car then... I went in with my mom... and their lying on the floor of the kitchen was my Grandpa. He had passed away... I don't remember any emotions or anything about it... Just that my mom told me to go out and get my dad and to stay in the car with my brother... I dont remember doing that... i dont remember the funeral... i do remember my mom and her siblings up in the attic of his house arguing over who was goign to get what... and I thought i was so special because i was up in the attic with them... a place i was never aloud to go.
and for the first time... just now... i thought: I wonder how my mom felt... finding her father on the floor dead? wow.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

The point.

It was a great weekend once again... spent wonderful time with my kids and today with my bff.
I was just thinking here (imagine that... me sitting here thinking!) about church today...
I love my church so much! I was looking for a church for so long.... Probably about 3 or 4 years... but mainly the last 2years... After my ex's neice past away... something hit inside me and told me I needed to go to church... But pretty much the effort of me finding a church was me sitting on my couch saying I needed to find a church... Here and there i would go to a new church and that would be about it... I would pray that the Lord would show me what church to go to.... but nothing really happened... And pretty much this is the way it stayed for awhile... Then I met a guy... nice guy... things were great and he told me about the church he went to a while back for bible study... and suggested maybe we go there one sunday... so I said sure... so sunday after sunday passed and we never went. Neither of us (especially him) were morning people... finally one sunday in August I said we were going and with or with out him... i was going to church... so we got up and we went to his church. It was a different service that morning... the youth group just got back from a trip and were telling all about it that morning... so to me it was a good church... but... yea... needless to say we didnt make it up and out of bed again to go to church. Me and him split about a month and a half later... and again I wanted to go to church... but that was about all it was. It just seemed like too big of a task to get two kids up and ready in the morning then have to watch them and make sure they werent getting into trouble and really not even get to pay attention to the service... it wasnt worth it..
So Christmas came around. And I decided that I really wanted to go to church... I was going to go for Christmas eve service no matter what... I changed the plans that I had with my family to go to dinner, a tradition that we have had for many years now, and told them I was going to church. They could come with me or I could meet them afterward, but I was going to church... So that day I emailed two churchs to find out if and when there Christmas eve services were... only one replyed back. My Church. So that is where we went... and I guess you can say the rest is history. I have been going there ever since... and at every service, I feel truely blessed that I found this church... no I cant say that, I feel blessed that God found this church for me. I can see how he brought a man into my life for a purpose (probably one of many) of showing me this church. Introducing me to this church, because I know that if it werent for this man coming into my life, I NEVER would have found it, I wouldnt have gotten baptised last Feb., I wouldnt be going ever Sunday, and I wouldnt be who I am today.
It is amazing to look back and pin point something that God has specifially done in my life!!!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Realization Friday

I thought i would try something new today. I always have a ton of random thoughts... so i thought (wonder how many times i can use the word thought in this post?) I will write them all down thru out the week and then post them on Fridays... or at least attempt to... We shall see how it turns out!!

I have come to realize:

~when I finally decide to do something with my random thoughts... they all disapear!
~most people will never truely get me
~ive me a lot of great people in my life... and some I can pinpoint to why they were in my life.
~ A lot of my random thoughts become tweets!
~ most people are idiotic in one way or another
~ that people in my life effect my mood
~ that I can have 10 random thoughts while i am int he bathroom and will only be able to remember the last one
~ i am not a competetive person when it comes to my job
~ i enjoy physical pain
~ i am slightly ocd when it comes to scabs- mine or someone elses- i have to pick it off (same with dead skin)
~ my ex has to think i am an idiot.
~ there are people in my life that i care about, but i dont really think they have a place in my life-full time
~ that in my circle of close friends- i am the only single one :-) im the 3rd wheel! lol.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


I have an ex that I can not get over. As much as I want to.. he wont let me.
We have been broke up for 2 years now! We do have a child together and we were only together for 1 1/2 yrs. I am trying so hard to walk away from him... to move on.. but he doesnt want me to.. yet he doesnt really want to be with me either.
I try and talk to him about it... and he just kinda blows the whole conversation off like i am just crazy.period.
Once again- now he wants me back... and even tho i love him with my whole heart... i dont think i want to be with him. he's not a happy person, and he brings me down with him... He's very negative... and over all is not happy... and really doesnt make me happy...
So why cant i just walk away? Why do I have such a hard time ignoring him?
I want love. I want friendship. I want happiness...
and as much as I long for those things...this man can't provide me with them.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

All Christians are Hypocrites

My ex went to church with me last Sunday (im suprised the building didnt burn down or it start raining fire balls!!) and the only thing he got out of the service... was that the pastor was a hypocrite and so were the people in the church.

My ex has his own set beliefs on church and the people that go there. He doesnt believe that you should have to go to church to worship God. That the majority of the people that go there are fake. They go just to gossip about everyone else there. That he can worship from the privacy of his own couch and shouldnt have to be around all those fake people. This has been a long argument me and him have had... I do agree you dont HAVE to go to church to worship... you should be worshiping all the time... not just on a Sunday in the house of the Lord.

The reason why he thought that my pastor and the people were hypocrites was for one simple reason... because they are Christians... and they are HUMAN! uhoh.. can't be both!
My pastor went thru the 10 commandments and told us which ones he broke.... amazingly.. all 10 of them! but he's our pastor! he's not aloud to sin!
The other reason was that our pastor started talking about being gay. (not him) About how it was a sin... but he would accept anyone that was gay into our church.. he wouldnt discriminate against them... he would openly tell them about the bible and what it says... but he would still accept them. I think the church was in shock... because almost no one acknowledged this... he had to pull teeth for it... and so that just added fuel to my ex's arguments... they are hypocrites.. as Christians they are supposed to accept everyone... blah blah blah (sorry i zone parts of his talking out!)

Why do we think that because someone is a Christian, we are not supposed to sin. We are supposed to be perfect. I hate to break it to everyone out there.... There was only one person since Adam and Eve (before they screwed it all up) that was perfect- Jesus. We are human. And thanks to Adam and Eve... we are not perfect... we have sin in our life... Satan fights for us just as much as God does. And unfortunately sometimes satan wins... we know to pray, to ask for forgivness. We have remorse in our heart for knowing we done wrong.

aaannnd my mind just went completely blank..... crap.


We are all human. Even Christians screw up and sin. Dont think you are any better than anyone becuase you are a Christian.. and dont look to a Christian for perfection, you will be sadly disappointed... but look to a Christian for a person who knows the Lord and trys to live better but who will continually fall short of that perfection.

as i

As I sit here at work.. thinking when I really should be working... I pray.
My prayer at the moment for myself... is that the Lord does not keep me in the place that I am at this time...
I am ready for change.
I am scared.
But change is something that I need, something that I am craving.
I know with the change, I will loose friends, maybe family, love, security that I have come to trust... but I will also loose the shakles that are holding me down, I will loose this shell of what I was and blossom into an even more radiant woman of Christ. I will live my path for Christ.

If you would of asked me 2 years ago, or even a year ago, if I would have the heart for the Lord like I do, if I would be thinking the way I do, into the things that I am into now... I would have never even thought I would be here.
The Lord has been so patient with me... waiting for me to make it this far... and is still so patient with me to help grow and blossom.
I am amazed at the change I have gone thru, in just the last year and even just the last few months...
God is so Good.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

the weekend blues...

I am sitting here on a Sunday night approx 10pm... in the dark... the quietness of my house is relaxing... the only sounds i hear is the radio going in the kitchen, the clock ticking, and my fingers clicking aways at the random keys that ill make up the words to this random bunch of thoughts that will end up in the posting...
It was a bitter sweet weekend... It started out awesome!! I went to a comedy show compliments of my bff. We went with a great group of friends... it was a wonderful time! and I had a great conversation with a new great friend... He makes me think... and that is about all i have done all weekend... I haven't slept all that much because all I have been doing is thinking... Saturday I went over to an old neighbors and hung out and had coffee with her for a few hours... i think that longest me and her have hung out in a very very long time! it was awesome. After that I met a new friend at Arabica for another coffee (trust me i needed all the caffeine i could get this weekend). Had good convo there... but this conversation was very different then normal... i just sat and listened to what he said... and i had to hold back from giggling at his thought process, his facial expressions.. and even tho this man wants a friendship and who knows how deep of a relationship, i knew again from that moment... it would never go beyond a friendship.
the rest of the day I just kinda bummed around... went bday shopping for my boy and just went gazing thru stores since I was kid free for the afternoon... something that happens oh o randomly in my life.. then its like my reality set in or something... i was still happy... but felt sad at the same time... like anything cloud make me cry... and did... this is odd... normally either i am happy or i am sad, not a mix of both... this mood is still going on today... and just of recently, I turned my phone off... something i NEVER do.. my phone is my life line! my way of staying connected to the world, thru facebook, twitter and text messaging... but tonite, I want to be alone with my thots and my laptop. I dont want to be bothered with the friends, the ex's fake i love yous, the randomness of my life... I am doing me tonite... which here in a moment will probably be going to bed... but it me... I mean hell, my friends can ignore me for hours, for days... but I am always there available at the drop of a hat... not tonite...
I have been doing a lot of thinking this weekend... and one thing i have realized... for so long I thot the type of man i wanted was someone that had the same exact out look on life as me... didn't make me have to defend myself in any sort of way, didn't make me have to explain anything because they understood... but I have realized, that is so not true. I enjoy a good conversation of differing opinions between two people, I enjoy politely arguing with someone, i enjoy being pushed to my limits, i enjoy having to stay on my toes. I mean don't get me wrong, i want to see eye to eye on somethings, but if its on everything- I get bored.
I am so amazed about all the people that God brings into my life... I am starting to be able to see things in my life and why there are there, why things are they way they are.
I am realizing my feelings are not my feelings, I am a source for God to work thru, and just a mere puppet to satan... It is a constant battle between the two for me. I love the Lord whole heart and soul but I give into weakness and I pay the consequences... but the amazing part, is even when I am down... even when I feel the most desperate, the most torn down, I praise my Lord, because i know it will bring me closer to him. I can see how even something I would love to happen, when it doesn't and even tho I am so disappointed, I can see why God didn't let that happen, he didn't let satan win that... because if that thing would have happened... it would have been horrible. yea i am sad but I am more content knowing the my God loves me that much to protect me.
God is Awesome. PERIOD.