Thursday, May 31, 2012

whats wrong?

I just don't get it.

I don't get what is wrong with me?

Why am I not married yet?? or hell at least dating someone?

I see so many of my friends from highschool and prior, happily married.  I see so many people just out and about, skinny, fat, ugly, pretty, happily with someone... and yet.. here I am.. ALONE.

As I type this up, I cry... run to the bathroom so no one will see... and come back and try and finish my thoughts before I tear up again.

Why am I not good enough for someone?  Why am I not worthy of marriage?

Seems like the only guys that do seem to want me, either a/only want me for my body or b/have some major issue that I can not deal with in my life.

Right now, I am numb... towards every man, I am numb.

This past summer, I played into the game of the "a" set of guys...  I flirted. I gave myself too freely... I just wanted to feel wanted. Wanted to feel desired... I didn't care if they loved me or not. I didn't care that they were just using me... because honestly I was just using them too.  Using them, to make me feel better about myself.  Man after man I felt better for a moment. Bragged to my friends that so and so wants me... so and so this and so and so that... and I felt good.. wanted...  but in reality I was still empty.

It took a major wake up call for me to learn that and I know it was God working and I am so thankful for that.  At that moment I cut all those men out of my life... and I haven't looked back.

But now.. now I feel so empty.  I feel unwanted.  The few men that I have let in my life in the past few months because they said they cared about me.. not for my body but for me... I feel I can't really trust with my heart.  One isn't in a place where we could actually have a relationship and the other doesn't know if he can be in a realtionship. So where does that leave me?  Sitting here writing a blog post about it.  And so to any other man. I am numb.

I am left questioning myself.  Questioning what is wrong with me.

I know I am an amazing woman. That I would make a wonderful girlfriend/wife. I am strong, supportive, loving, devoted. I have a good heart, a nice body, decent looking. I don't need a man to support me, I can take care of myself and my kids.  I have a an open mind and an open heart.  Yes, I have a past, I have two kids by two different men, been divorced, had both kids out of wedlock... but does that mean I don't deserve a great man??  I feel like it does. That the negative things about me out weigh the good.

I know I don't need a man.  But I want someone to share my life with.   To come to when I need a hug to be told "I love you baby"...  someone to understand me... to support me.  I am tired of doing it all alone.  I am worn out.

I know I am a child of God. I know I am wonderful and I hate myself for doubting me...  I keep praying on it, I know God is with me, holding my hand and our hearts break together.

so my next goals...  meet with my doctor about getting put on some type of anti-depressants because I can not handle this battle of my heart anymore.  and two contact my church and see what counseling options they have, because I need some help.

I do have faith that God has a plan.  I am just so tired of hurting.

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

monday can't come soon enough

Monday can not come soon enough. Right now I am feeling like I am going crazy. Seriously.

I am now barely sleeping. I am depressed.

I am at the point where I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be around people. I just want to sit in my bed and cry and wait for this to be over.

I am so tired.

Tired of feeling like everything, everyday is a battle.
Tried of feeling like I am always struggling.. always alone.
Tired of feeling like I am going to burst into tears over EVERYTHING.
Tired of feeling like this.

There always seems to a million things that I need to get done... and as soon as I get some done.. there is a million more.  

In every single possible way... I am tired.

I feel like a zombie anymore going thru life.  Like I am doing everything that I am supposed to do... but its forced, its a battle.

I know God loves me. I know He is with me.  I don't doubt that. I know that being a Christian and having strong faith does't eliminate me from these feelings, from these moments.
I just keep praying... and honestly anymore, I don't even know what I am praying for... I guess just happiness. I keep praying for happiness, because I am so tried of the sadness.

Monday, I go see the doctor and hopefully will get put on something for the depression.  Monday can not come soon enough.

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

depressions, last week and God.

This past month (well hell who are we kidding.. like the past 2-3+ months) I have been really down and depressed. The past month as been miserable.  Not every day is bad and Not every moment is bad.  But at least 2-3x a day I have tears in my eyes, sometimes its cuz of a blog I read and sometimes just because.  
I finally made an appt with my doc today. I go in, in a week to talk to him about getting on anti-depressants.  I can't handle this anymore.  I really don't want to be put on meds, but I need something. I need some kinda help with this.

This has been a very stressful and emotional week for me.

My sister in NC was in an car accident. I was told they didnt think she would make it. But Praise God, she is doing amazing!!!  She's talking, and eating, and just doing amazing!!
God is good.

All the drive down to NC, I prayed. Prayed for so much.
For my sister.
For my family.
For my Ex (its technically his sister)
For God to open my eyes, to be with me while I was down there, and to help me.

and wow... GOD IS AMAZING!!!

I seriously saw him working miracles.. felt him with me thru so much... sometimes I didn't even realize he was there till I stopped and took a look back at it, and realized... that was HIM.

Thank you everyone for your prayers!!!

God is good!!!!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I believe

I believe in God.
I believe in Jesus as my Savior
I believe in Love-true Love
I believe in Forgiving but not forgetting
I believe in wearing your heart on your sleeve 
I believe in not holding anything back
I believe in being friends with everyone, just not best friends
I believe in family 
I believe in warm hugs
I believe in I love you's 
I believe in my children
I believe in ME. 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Monday, May 21, 2012

Please pray

I got a call this morning from my daughter's father.  

His sister by blood. My sister by love was in a car accident last night.   

She's on life support right now.  Her niece that was in the car was kill on impact.  

I am devistated. Heartbroken. and just plain in shock.  

This family has been thru so much already.  6yrs ago this August her daughter was taken from us. She was only 2.   and now this. 

Please keep her in your prayers and her two son's.  Also, pray for all my family down there and for safe travels for my daughters father and also for myself as we travel down there. 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Saturday, May 19, 2012

different directions

I sit here on this beautiful spring morning and feel I have nothing to say.

I feel overwhelmed with all I have to do today.  All that is expected of me today. 

But I need to focus on the Lord today. My heart needs it. My soul needs it.
I feel so torn in too many different directions... physical, mentally, spiritually... 

I feel like I am being called for something... but I don't know, because I feel like I am being pulled towards something different.  And I really don't think I could have both.. It more of a one or the other... because with one, I will be pulled farther from the other... I have been struggling with this all day yesterday and even already this morning.  

I need to feel the Lord today... feel where he wants me... 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Lil Man turned 10

Doesn't seem like its been 10 years ago already!!! I still remember it like it was yesterday!!!  Jumping into motherhood and the mere age of 20!  And yet... I wouldn't have changed that for nothing!!! Thru the ups and downs, I think I raised (so far) a pretty good young man!

Found his first gift!! (I hid them from him this year) 

Found his second gift! 

 Our Kitchen table!! :-) 

 My babies!!! 

Making birthday Cake

aint I cute with my lil apron on?? 

lil man's helping too!! 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Saturday, May 12, 2012

To my mom.

Tomorrow is Mother's Days.  A day we run out to the store and get Mom some flowers and a card to show her how much we love her.. We go and take her out to dinner or go for a home cooked meal.  We make sure today we show her how much she means to us...  

This year seems different to me...  The past 6 months has made me stop and think more than normal. I have been overthinking as usual. Lol.  

This will be the first year my step mom won't be with us. This year is probably the first year I have realized exactly what impact she made on my life...and especially my children's life.  

Along with thinking about how much I miss my stepmom... I also think to my own mom.  I would seriously be lost with out her. She is the most amazing woman I know. 

Day to day I have no idea how she does it. She is 68 years old this year. (sorry mom lol) She has more energy and motivation in one day than I do in a week!! She still works full time, on her feet, all day long! She still comes home and plays with my kids, cooks dinner for her husband and also for me and my kids. She cleans the house, makes quilts, patches holes, mows the grass, plants flowers, bakes cookies and cakes... she never stops.  She has more talent than anyone I know.. in so many ways I want to be like her.  

Then I look at my life... my kids... and my childhood... and I  have even more respect for my mom. I see the lessons she was trying to teach me.. and I know that one day my kids will realize the lessons I am trying to teach them.. even if it is 20 years and a couple kids later. lol. 

She introduced me to Christ... she forced me to go to church but didn't force me to believe what she did.. she would use the good ole mom guilt trips of course but mainly she prayed... prayed for my salvation.. prayed for me to fall in love with Jesus... it took years...  lots and lots of heart aches but finally.. finally I was broken enough from this world to realize the Truth and her prayers were answered.  

So I just wanted to take a moment and say Thank you Mom. Thank you for the love.. thank you for the lessons.. thank you for putting up with my hard headedness.. with me having to learn everything the hard way... thank you for your patience and for your faith... thank you for your never ceasing prayers.  Thank you!!! 

And thank you Lord... For the greatest Mom a little girl could ever ask for. 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

missing a father

My heart breaks for my baby girl almost daily.  I try not to think about it. Think about the fact that she barely knows her father.  The fact that it seems that everyone and everything else is more important to her daddy... than she is.  I worry for her. Worry for what this is going to do to her. Worry for how she is going to understand and internalize all of this when she is older. 

For now.. its just life. This is how it always has been.  She see's her father, when I her mother takes her to his job to see him... She see's her father when he comes by the house once in a very very very great while... mainly to see me... her mother...  because he wants me back. He wants his family back..Yet... He could have a family at any time... he could have a daughter in his life whenever he wanted.. He could feel that unconditional love almost daily... if he wanted. But he doesn't. 

I worry for her that she will think this is they way a man is supposed to be. 
I worry for her that she will think this is they way a father is supposed to be. 
I worry for her that she will think this is her fault. 
I worry for her that she will feel she is not good enough. 
I worry. 

And I pray. And give it to God.  
I remind her daily of how wonderful she is. 
I remind her that he daddy does love her. 
I remind her that she is a beautiful, special little girl. 
I remind her that her True Father God Loves HER. 

I try and be enough for her, to be both mommy and daddy for her.  To shower her with so much love that we won't notice the lacking of it that she receives from her father.  

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Monday, May 7, 2012

crazy busy

This seriously has been a crazy busy weekend... and honestly, Its not going to slow down for at least another week. I have no clue how I am going to do everything. :-) But I know it will be amazing... or at least it better be!!! 

The craziness started Thursday. I got off work, ran across town to pick up baby girl. Then to my moms to quickly eat dinner, get the boys ready (lil mans friend was over after school along with his friends sister), then over to my dads, cuz the friend left his glove over there.. then rush to get them to baseball by 600.. we were 20 minutes late.  They played an awesome game. Sadly tho, they lost.  

Friday was just as crazy. As soon as I got off work, ran across town to pick up baby girl from school, then to my moms to pick up lil man, home to get lil man changed then drove him to his dads house which is about an hour round trip.  As soon as we got back from that, baby girl and I went to dinner with my family and then grocery shopping for me and my dad.  Dropped everything off at my dad and hung out for a bit then came home and watched a movie and was in bed by 10. lol. 

Saturday we were up bright and early. Gymnastics was at 1015. But it was so fun!! She had such a great time. After that we ran to Walmart for a few things we couldnt get at the grocery store and then ran out to baby girls dads work. A few of his coworkers ordered things from me for Scentsy.  After that we ran to Target to do some bday shopping for lil man and then finally back home where I got the back yard mowed, did a couple loads of laundry and then we were off again to my friends house.  We went with her and her kids to the baseball game for her son and lil man. After the game we went back to her house and she cooked us dinner and we watched a movie. 

Sunday baby girl and I went to church with my friend and his family. It was a really nice church and baby girl cant wait to go back.  After that we hung out with my friend and his sister for a bit then went to Lowes and JoAnn Fabrics for a few things and then home where I attempted to nap.  (it was unsuccessful) When lil man got home we then went to my moms for dinner and hung out there for a bit.  Then to my dads and finally home. 

This week: 
Monday- Baseball
Tuesday- Lil Man's 10th birthday
Wed- Urban League for help with my dad's house.. Gymnastics
Thursday- Doc appt for my dad's foot.  Baseball
Fri- Court for Dads foreclosure.  supposed to go to a bday party with a friend
Sat-  Baseball Clinic for lil man, then Lil Man's sleep over with like 4 boys!!! 
Sunday- sleep. all. day.   (i am hoping anyway lol)


Wednesday, May 2, 2012

My MAMA- Style

My- MAMA Style

Sweater Jacket- Thrift Store (American Eagle brand)  $3.99
Tank- Target-  $5.99
Lace Tank- Wet Seal $5.99
Pants- Charlotte Russe  $34.99
Shoes- Charlotte Russe $9.99

Love these shoes!!! 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama