I don't get what is wrong with me?
Why am I not married yet?? or hell at least dating someone?
I see so many of my friends from highschool and prior, happily married. I see so many people just out and about, skinny, fat, ugly, pretty, happily with someone... and yet.. here I am.. ALONE.
As I type this up, I cry... run to the bathroom so no one will see... and come back and try and finish my thoughts before I tear up again.
Why am I not good enough for someone? Why am I not worthy of marriage?
Seems like the only guys that do seem to want me, either a/only want me for my body or b/have some major issue that I can not deal with in my life.
Right now, I am numb... towards every man, I am numb.
This past summer, I played into the game of the "a" set of guys... I flirted. I gave myself too freely... I just wanted to feel wanted. Wanted to feel desired... I didn't care if they loved me or not. I didn't care that they were just using me... because honestly I was just using them too. Using them, to make me feel better about myself. Man after man I felt better for a moment. Bragged to my friends that so and so wants me... so and so this and so and so that... and I felt good.. wanted... but in reality I was still empty.
It took a major wake up call for me to learn that and I know it was God working and I am so thankful for that. At that moment I cut all those men out of my life... and I haven't looked back.
But now.. now I feel so empty. I feel unwanted. The few men that I have let in my life in the past few months because they said they cared about me.. not for my body but for me... I feel I can't really trust with my heart. One isn't in a place where we could actually have a relationship and the other doesn't know if he can be in a realtionship. So where does that leave me? Sitting here writing a blog post about it. And so to any other man. I am numb.
I am left questioning myself. Questioning what is wrong with me.
I know I am an amazing woman. That I would make a wonderful girlfriend/wife. I am strong, supportive, loving, devoted. I have a good heart, a nice body, decent looking. I don't need a man to support me, I can take care of myself and my kids. I have a an open mind and an open heart. Yes, I have a past, I have two kids by two different men, been divorced, had both kids out of wedlock... but does that mean I don't deserve a great man?? I feel like it does. That the negative things about me out weigh the good.
I know I don't need a man. But I want someone to share my life with. To come to when I need a hug to be told "I love you baby"... someone to understand me... to support me. I am tired of doing it all alone. I am worn out.
I know I am a child of God. I know I am wonderful and I hate myself for doubting me... I keep praying on it, I know God is with me, holding my hand and our hearts break together.
so my next goals... meet with my doctor about getting put on some type of anti-depressants because I can not handle this battle of my heart anymore. and two contact my church and see what counseling options they have, because I need some help.
I do have faith that God has a plan. I am just so tired of hurting.
Blessings N Love