Thursday, December 31, 2009
As weird as it is... a lot of things have happened.. and yet in someways I still feel like I am right back where I was this time last New Years...
Lets see all that has happened in 2009...
Started going to church at Harvest Ridge :-)
Turned 27 :-)
Became closer to my best friend and then eventually started dating... then back to being friends.
Started going to Life Group.
Got one step closer to gettin away from an ex.
Helped my sister move to Columbus
Started with Tastefully Simple
Had to deal with situations that weren't pleasant.. but turned out alright
Met some really great people.
Over the past year... my mentality has changed tho... I have focus more on my relationship with the Lord... and there was a time where I took my focus off that and moved it on to worldly things... but its back on the Lord and I think is stronger than ever.
I say I am in the same place as I was last year because I am still single... still struggling day to day with many thing... bills, kids, work, life... and I was hoping by this time I would have found someone.. but that is not in Gods plans just yet... but I do know that he has a great man out there for me.. its just a matter of time.. HIS time.. not mine...
My new years resolution is to move forward in my life... to quit turning around and focusing on things from my past... past love, past hurt, past mistakes, past rewards... I need to focus on God and the future... there is too many issues from my past that I take with my day to day... and I need to stay away from all of that and focus on my future and the plan that God has for me... I am not really sure what that is or where exactly I am going... but I have faith and it will be all good because it will be in the Lord.
So heres too 2010 being the best year yet... focusing on the Lord in all you do... Praise HIM for all.. good and bad. dont expect every prayer to be answered.. but for the right prayers to be answered... He knows what he is doing... He sees the bigger picture in ways you cant even imagine... Better your relationship with the Lord... even if it just starts with an "im sorry"
God Bless you and yours in 2010!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The kids has so much fun.. and this year was just so great!! God truely blessed us this year!!!
Christmas Eve I had to work till 1230 then I went over to Grandma Barbs. My dad and bobbi were already there with the kids and my brother. The kids were pretty good before I got there and amazingly they still were good after I arrived... We had dinner and both of them ate pretty good. After that we opened the gifts and they def. were spoiled. So many wonderful toys from Nani and Papa and Grammy Barb. My brother I think had a great time to.. and was really good too. (i am so happy my dad didnt get upset over anything major!)
After that we hurried to get to church for Christmas eve service... of couse we were about 10 minutes late... and all the seats were full. luckily they put out a couple more and me and the kids sat down... it was a nice service.. but just didnt seem like a normal service... i dunno.. something didnt feel right. After that I met P's dad and P went with his dad for the night. Then me and S went off to red lobster to meet my mom and stepdad-ken and my brother for dinner... It was a very nice dinner. S wanted to sit right next to grampy so that way she could sneek sips of his hot tea from time to time. lol.
After that we went to my moms house and opened a couple gifts.. My brother got a new recliners... and of course the box became the fav thing for Serenity to play in! lol. the box was huge!! i could even go in there and sit up perfectly fine.
After that we went home and went to bed... The next day we pretty much just layed around for a bit... One of my good friends's mom (whom is also one of my good friends) stopped by and gave us a fruit basket... she is such a sweetheart... when she arrived there were gifts on my back porch from santa... i am still not sure who dropped them off for us... but it was def. well appreciated and a Gift from God. We went and picke up Pey and came back home. Travis- Sissy's dad was there waiting for us... so we opened all of the gifts... the kids loved it.. I think Sissys fav gift was the cd player with microphone i got her... Peys i think was the ds games he got. :-) After that we went over to my mom and ate a wonderful dinner.. and i didnt eat all day just waiting for her dinner...its always so good... when dinner was over we opened all of the wonderful gifts from everyone... it was an absolutely wonderful day.
We finally got home around 830 or so... and decided to just lay around and watch a movie.. all of us in our snuggies... it was really nice.! :-)
Saturday my stepsister and her fiance suprised everyone and came in from Baltimore, so we once again went over to Grandma Barbs and had dinner and opened gifts there. Pey was with his day so it was just me and sissy.. she loved all they got her... Pey opened the gifts from them on Sunday.. and loved them.. he got all bakugans! he was so excited!!!
A wonderful Christmas!!!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Today was a wonderful day. I was very blessed that I was able to get off work early and able to go and spend the day with my Dad and Stepmom and Step-Step Grandma and brother and of course my kids... then i got to spend the evening with my mom, my stepdad and my brother and my daughter... ( my son was with his father already).
When I was on my way to the restaurant to meet my mom and stepdad.. I was thinking about how wonderful this holiday... How wonderful it is that God cared enough about us to send us his son to save us... to give us hope. And it made me think about all the people out there that think this holiday means nothing... or that its just about santa and getting gifts and food and all the commercialization that has become of Christmas... We dont even say Merry Christmas anymore... its Happy Holidays... its not longer Christmas break.. its winter break... We as humans keep trying to "make everyone happy" and lose the whole Christmas spirit... yet.. if t wasnt for the birth of our Lord SAVIOR Jesus Christ... would there be a holiday to celebrate? or would the 25th of December just be another day that we happen to get together as a family?
why cant we keep Christ in this holiday with out worrying if we offend anyone?? yet dont believe it to be offensive to anyone if we say "Happy Holidays" . Personally, I dont find that offensive... but I am sure that there is somone out there that does... would you care enough to not say it to them?? And at what point will it become that we cant wish anyone any type of holiday greeting with out offending them?? and at what point will we be wrong for celebrating Jesus in any fashion?? is that really what this planet is going to come to??
on a selfish note.... after I came home from all the busyness of today... i started having my own selfish feelings rise up in me... the devil got ahold of my emotions... and brought me down... turned my thoughts over to the fact that I once again am "alone" on Christmas eve... I am still not married... this will be my 3rd Christmas spending it "alone" with my children... neither of their fathers here with us to celebrate... No man here to help me with gifts... or even just to snuggle up on the couch watching a movie waiting for the little ones to go to sleep so we could bring out the "santa gifts" ... Instead I have to do it all by myself...
But I need to realighn my focus... focus on the fact that I am not what this time of year is about... My own selfish wants and needs are not important... God has already blessed me with 2 wonderful lil children that love me and i love them even more... that God has blessed me in more ways than I will ever deserve... and that He has a man out there planned for me... He is still moulding me and that man to be perfect for each other... I know that God has a plan for me and right now that plan is for me to be single... to focus on Him, my walk with him, on my kids and to keep my eyes, my ears and my heart open up to the Him... I need to focus on HIM. period. and that is what this time of year is for...
Tomorrow is not just another holiday in the year... Its not just another birthday of someone whos been long dead and forgotten... Tomorrow is the start of a life... and because of that life... we have hope... we. have. hope... we have a savior... we can be forgiven.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Friday night we went to dinner as usual with my mom and stepdad. it was a little odd because my brother wasnt there.... We went to Golden Corral.. which is lil mans fav place to go... (all you can eat ice cream)... The kids had fun... they both ate way too much ice cream... and pey couldnt handle all that sugar... so by the time we left he was super duper hyper... Ren was a lil hyper too.. just going off and doing her own thing... After dinner we went to Home Depot then back to my parents... then home.
Once we got home we watched a movie and I colored my hair (tho it didnt turn out right). We all snuggled on the couch together and then off to bed...
Saturday we watch a little tv and then I started bringing down all of the Christmas tree decorations along with the tree... ugh i hate having to do all that... not looking forward to putting it all back up in the attic either! But we got the tree up and Pey helped decorate it.
Later in the day we went over and hung out with my dad and a couple of his friends for a bit... I was so amazed at how good Pey was the entired time we were there... I was in awe. After we left there.. it was a really bad storm. I had promised him that I would take him to rent a movie.. but the roads were really bad.. so I just took him and Ren up to the gas station and let me each get a candy bar... we went home after that and watched a movie and both kids passed out by the time the movie started.
Sunday we didnt go to church.. i felt bad for not going.. but really didnt want to fight with the kids... and i had a headache and i was being lazy :-( we mainly just laid around most of the day.. I finished a gift for my step mom tho! so i was super happy about that... In the evening we went to my moms for dinner and then I took pey to go rent a movie... he got wizards of waverly place.. it was a really cute movie!!! then it was off to bed... pey in my bed.. ren on the couch... who eventually about 2am was in my bed too...
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Our Christmas pictures! the bottom was is being sent out with our Christmas cards... (which wont be sent out till after Christmas since I don't acutally get paid till Christmas day again!)
I was thinking last night about how many people on facebook, twitter, myspace, blogs, etc... put their business out there. When they are fighting with their best friends- they say so in their status update message. When their husband didnt pick his socks up from the bedroom floor- they tweet. When their kids are yelling and screaming- they blog. I want to ask... when is it too much?
My mom told me many years ago that when her and my father got divorsed... No one in her family could believe it.. She never told them the stories of anything that went on in their relationship. You didn't air your dirty laundry. Period.
Now adays (and I am completely guilty of it... tho I try and not name names when I am upset about something and decide to blog, update status, tweet, etc... about it... I just used generalities) we have no shame, we will at the first hint of anger, hurt, fear whatever... will call a person out on any social media site!
Now I completely understand people blog about their family... I do too. I have another blogsite that I do this thru... but I also have very few people that know about this blog, because it is where I go to vent my issues that I may be having. I also tweet. I joke and say twitter is my sanity... but sometimes it is... when I am having a bad day, fighting with my kids, am heart broken, frustrated, whatever... I will tweet... and tweet like crazy sometimes... and tho I may have 230 followers... very few of them are people I know in "real life". And I also make sure I dont use real names when I tweet...
Why do we feel like we have put all of our business about how horrible things are in our life... our husbands, our jobs, our kids, etc... Are we trying to make everyone feel sorry for us? Are we doing it so that way if we do something else (cheat, divorse, quit, yell, hit etc)
Some things are ment to stay between you and your family/close friends.... Not with 120 people you knew from highschool/family/and complete strangers.
I know I am completely guilty of this too... I tell more than I should about things that I don't need to be.... but maybe before posting that next update... ask yourself... do I really need to post this???
She said she was thinking about IF her daughter came to her and said that she was having sex... she would immediately get her on some sort of medical birth control (pill, patch, ring etc). And have a talk with her about sex, (again) the risks, and God. But she would definetely put her on birth control... just in case.
She was telling me her reasoning behind this.... if her daughter is willing to go out and have sex at least once.... there is a chance that she might do it again... (boys are very persuassive) and she would rather her be protected so there would be no unwanted pregnancy. Her cousin found out a month or so ago that their daughter had been having sex, got pregnant, and had an abortion... all with out her mothers knowledge. She found out from the mother of her daughters friend. The mother overheard the girls talking and called shortly afterward. She had told the mom that if it were her daughter, she would want to know. The cousin confronted her daughter about it and she just said that she was scared. She was 16 and wasnt ready for a baby and knew that they definetely couldnt afford to raise a kid. So she thought this was best. She hated herself for it, but didnt know what else to do.
My friend doesn't want be put in this same situation...
So I asked my friend... Dont you think that putting her on birth control (that can fail~i have proof!!) is kinda like saying.... well, i dont want you to do it... but here go ahead.
What is the right thing to do? In todays soceity more and more youth are having sex younger and younger... I was one of them. I was also one of the very lucky ones and didn't get pregnant till I was an adult (or mostly) and had a full time job and was able to take care of my son. (I also had a great boyfriend who stayed with me and was a great father and still is). But what is the right thing to do? Prepare them in every possible way... show them right from wrong... tell them what the bible says...what God says... but also prepare them for IF they decide to go out and do it too? I honestly don't know the right answer... I don't know what I am going to do when I am faced with that situation... What do you think is right? If it were your daughter... what would you do?
Thursday, December 10, 2009
And some of the things... I just couldnt believe...
Her husband let her be taken away from him twice... He asked her to lie for him, to say he was her brother (which wasnt untrue) so that he wouldnt die. But because of this she was taken away from him and because a wife of another man!!! And this didn't happen just once but twice!!! I can only imagine how I would feel if my husband was so selfish to give me to another man for his pleasure just to save himself!!! Yet, Sarah did as Abraham said. She was returned to Abraham both times because God intervened. Abraham had no faith in the Lord so he lied and had his wife lie for him.
Another part of their "love" story is where Sarah thinking and again not trusting the Lord that she will never bare him a child so she had her husband sleep with her maidservant so that he would get her pregnant and he would have a son. He obeyed and slept with another woman.
Could you imagaine in this day of age... staying with a man that would be willing to sacrifice his wife on more than one occasion to save himself... then he sleeps with another woman and has a child by this woman... all of this because of their lack of faith in the Lord.
I can only imagine Sarah's self worth during all of this. In society today if these things were to happen... We would tell Sarah she deserves better... we would tell her to move on with her life... she doesnt need to stay around for that. She should just divorse him and be done... The marriage aint worth anything...
We tell people that all the time now for less... A man lies to you about going to get a drink after work... and everyone say you cant trust him- divorse... A woman spend too much money shopping and lies to you about it... cant trust her- divorse. You aren't happy with your husband/wife becuase they dont show you they love you enough, they dont pick up after themselves, they dont clean, they dont.. they dont.. they dont... Divorse!!
Whatever happened to trying to work thru your problems... You are husband and wife. You took a vow to God to be married... Death do you part. Why is that so hard now adays... Why do we always take the easy way out of every situation. Why do we have so little faith in our Lord that we would rather just give up and start over...
How easy it would have been for either Sarah or Abraham to just give up... say screw it.. run away from the problem and start over "a new" but where would be today with out them??
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
I look at him and I am starting to see him better.. see him for him. who he really is.. He is selfish. He is selfcentered.. He cares more about himself than anyone in his life including his own flesh n blood...
The more I look at him, the more I see him, the more I talk to him, watch him and hear him talk... the more I realize he aint the man I want to spend my life with... I would never truely be happy. Not in the way that I want.
He could be a friend... but nothing more.
I worry that I will never love another man as strongly as I love him... but I know one day I will... I will always have a love for him, but one day when I meet the man that God has intended for me, I will fall in love farther than I ever thought possible.
I can never be truely happy or truely satisfied with him. He is not a man of God and the more I am around him the more that I see that... I see the way he mocks me, the way he judges me, and they way that no matter what I do, say, look, smell or anything... Its never enough for a simple compliement... unless he wants something...
I told him I would give him till the end of the year... and its fast approaching... I know he wont change so I dont know why I even give him the chance to just hurt me... but I will give him that chance... if he doesnt make the one thing I asked of him by then... I will completely walk away.. and NOT LOOK BACK this time...
Because I deserve better than what he can give me!
My mom picked up both kids from school and the sitter... then I went over her house for dinner after work... Pey was wild and crazy of course as soon as I showed up... but was an angel before I got there... I had to fight with him to finish his homework. I told him that if he didnt finish tho that we weren't going to go to the mall to play or to jump. (they have a bungee jump thing there that he and his sister love to do). So finally after a bit of fighting with me.. He sat down and did his homework... I tried to help him with some of it.. but honestly I hadnt a clue on parts... ugh!!! My son is so literal too...it is annoying... My mom made meatloaf for dinner and Pey loves it normally. Well tonite he decided he didnt want any of it and wouldnt eat it... My mom told him he loves her meat loaf.. he said yea but thats not they way you normally make it.. my stepdad told him that its the same meat loaf she always makes... my son...literal lil boy... says no thats not the same meat loaf... that would be nasty if we ate the same meat loaf as the last time! eeewww... my step dad said she made it the same way she always does... my son said she doesnt always make meat loaf... we have other things for dinner than meatloaf!!! so frustrating sometimes!!!!
Finally got everything ate.. and homework finished... so we went to the mall.. On the way there Pey read Sissy an Ameila Bedilia book... they both loved it...
Then they played at the play ground in the mall with the other kids... and had a lot of fun... then we went and did the jumpy thing...
Overall i think it was a great night!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
it was a long day at work. but I was really looking forward to going to bible study/life group afterward. my mom was going to watch the kids so I could focus completely on the life group. Normally when we are there the kids are all over me and I am constantly paranoid that they are going to spill something or make a mess! So not having them there was going to be a treat! Well when I get over to my dads to pick up Pey, they tell me that he was acting a fool over there.. yelling and screaming and of course my dad has absolutely no patience when it comes to him so I am sure he was yelling at Pey most of the time. And when I got there Pey had not calmed down any. I asked him to do something and he would argue with me. I tell him to do something and he would still argue with me. It got to the point where I just told him to get his coat and shoes on and go out to the car... he finally did... Me and Sissy gave hugs and kisses and left. We got out to the car and I told Pey that if he didnt start acting better and listening that I was taking him to bible study with me and he wasnt going to get to stay with Grammy and bake cookies.. Sissy heard this and got all excited "bake cookies with grammy?!"
We get to my moms house and nothing changed with Pey. We sat down to dinner and Pey says hes not hungry he had two bowls of ceral at Nani and Papis. Fine whatever but I still made him sit down at the table with us. Things just got worse... He couldnt sit still... and wanted to argue about everything. I told him then that he needed to go and get his shoes and coat on because we were leaving as soon as I got finished eating. He started crying. NO NO NO. i dont want to go i will be good I promise.. I told him he said that when we were in the car... and he should have been being good. He didnt so he was going to come with me... More fighting screaming running from me. I was at my wits end! I didnt know what else to do. It was a battle of power and I wasnt going to lose. period. finally my mom stepped in and said we needed to take a break and calm down. i got mad and stormed out of the house ( i know so childish) but I felt like she was trying to take his side (as i feel she does a lot). So I went out and sat in my car for a moment. I went back in told both kids to get their coats on we were going home... I was too upset and now late to go to bible study and pey wasnt going to get to stay at Grammys. We all were going to go home now... Finally everything listened. Pey just walked out to the car. I told him as soon as we got home- he was going straight to his room. I had to run back over to my dads becuase Pey left his homework folder over there. When I got there we couldnt find it and after talking to my Stepmom- I found out that the homework he did wasnt actually his homework. I realized then, he didnt bring home his homework.... so I went back to the car and asked him... he said that he left it at school.. So I asked him why he lied to me. He said he didnt. I told him I asked when I picked him up if he did his homework... He said he did. I told him that was lying. He said well i did do my homework.. you didnt ask if i did it all. I said i shouldnt have to ask if you did it ALL. That is known. and that he was going to have to write 35 sentences when he gets home for lying along with staying in his room... He didnt say anything. We got home and he went right to his room with out a fight. Sissys dad came over for a few minutes to drop of some meat he wants me to cook us for dinner this week... After he left Sissy went and had a bowl of cereal and watched a movie... Pey finished his sentences and asked if he could have a bowl of cereal too he was really hungry...
Monday, December 7, 2009
I am starting to think that sub-consciously, I am looking for a man with flaws... Maybe I am trying to punish myself for divorsing my husband. Maybe I feel that is all I deserve.
I dont know... it just sucks..
Its been 5 years... and I still am single and alone. And now trying to raise 2 kids on my own.
I deserve a good man. But I know it has to seem like a lot to man... and maybe that is why I only attract losers!
I am an instant family... just add the man... That is a lot for some men to handle I am sure...
Two kids... two baby daddies... and a Mom who's used to handling it all... all the time...
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Part of me doesnt want to put my kids out on the internet like that.. but then part of me wants to share all the cuteness that my kids are... So I am not really sure what to do...
What are you opinions?
The pros and cons of posting pics of my kids up on my blog?
The machine gun noices... the armpit farting... the constant wanting to wrestle.. to argue... to dominate every situation... all drives me insane!!!
I know what to do with my daughter... but when it comes to my son... I am frustrated!
A single mom.. going insane!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I think of my self as a pretty honest person... at least about me and my past... I will tell you anything and everything about my past... the good.. the bad... and the ugly. There are many parts I am not the proudest of... but becuase of my past and my experiances.. good and bad... I am where I am today... A Christian.
But in a relationship.. can being 100% honest with someone be too much? Telling the person you are with that you kissed this guy, had sex with that guy, had the biggest crush on this one... and you are still friends with them... or still text occassionally... or facebook... Should this be kept secret? Or what if you cheated on a past love? Or that you slept with girls? Or that you tryed to kill yourself?
How much is too much? My friends always constantly tell me I am crazy becuase I am too honest... I have been told if I meet a guy out and about... at a bar, at a store, wherever... the first thing I shouldnt tell him.. is that I have kids. Or I shouldn't admit that I cheated on my ex-husband, or that Ive had sex with this friend or that.
To me honestly is the core foundation of every relationship. And I am the type of person that when I am in a relationship with someone.. be it friendship or more, I want to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth... I want to know everything... because eventually... everything does come out... and I would rather know upfront about something... than to find out down the road from someone else... making me stuck on stupid for not knowing...
I am not planning on ever changing this. I will completely honest with pretty much everyone. I am not saying that everyone I meet will know my whole life story, but I am not going to lie to you about it... And I would hope the same in return for the people in my life.
but I will put this disclaimer in here: if a person give me a reason to feel that I can not be truthfuly honest with them about something... I will avoid the question or the conversation or will "scoot" around the answer... like throwing it back in my face about something, judging me based on something, or using what I say against me.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Both of the kids were in wonderfully cranky moods. Boy decided he wanted to argue and fight about anything and everything and girl was gonna throw hissy fits about everything that she didnt like.
We were supposed to go to the rainforest and then to Chuck E Cheese. Needless to say.... we didnt go to the rainforest. We ended up going to Chuch E Cheese for dinner... It was kinda sad for me... The whole day was kinda sad.
My daughters father, who has been saying he's changed and what not... didnt even come over or at least call to wish his daughter a happy bday. That broke my heart for two different reasons... 1... how sad that her father cant even come by to see her on her bday... luckily, she didnt notice... 2... i thot he had changed... he had been saying he wants me back and what not... and i thot he was a good man... guess not...
At chuck e cheese i was a lil depressed... I seen all these happy family together or at least friends together... and there i was ... alone...
but it was still fun... i played with the kids and girly had a lot of fun... so that was what was important!
after that we came home and had presents and cake and ice cream...
i think over all it was a good day...
I wanted to write a blog about what I am thankful for....
~ My Lord. My faith. Without my Lord, I wouldnt be able to get thru anything in my life.
~ My kids. Even tho they push me to my limits... they are my everything.
~ My parents. They are always there for me no matter what.
~ My friends. Even tho more and more lately, it seems like I have less interaction with some of my friends... I still love them all very much.
~ All the things I have been thru. Without the situations I have been in, I wouldnt be the person that I am today. The good the bad and the ugly... its all made me who I am.
~ My daughters father... as odd as it sounds,I am really thankful for him... without him... so much in my life wouldnt be the way it is... I wouldnt be saved, I woudlnt be as close with my dad as I am, I wouldnt have a beautiful baby girl, I wouldnt have people down in NC that I feel like family...
~ My ex's... because of them.. so many things in my life wouldnt be they way they are...
~ My job... thankful I still have one!!!
there is so much in life to be thankful for... even in bad situations... there is some good... you just need to be open to it.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
The men in my life, I know hate this because I am always over thinking every move they make, words they speak... I never used to be this bad.. or maybe I just didnt notice it as much...
One thing tho... I have learned that yes, I have faith... but that hasn't stopped the worrying.
I try and put all the problems I have and all the stress that I have at the foot of the cross and let go... but I have been having a lot of difficulty with that lately. Somethings are definetely easier to do that with.. but with the issue of my heart right now and the stress of my dad... i just couldnt stop worrying..
I am double checking things and doubt things instead of just letting it go... and leaving it up to God.
I will need to pray on this and make this something to work on...
Monday, November 16, 2009
Well I went online last week to check his grades... and I have found out that he hasnt been turning in homework, and isnt doing good in school... Normally my parents help him with his home work till i get off work and go and pick him up, but apparently either he isnt even bringing it home.. or he isnt even turning it in.
So ... I have made a few choices.
I sat down over the weekend made some standard rules that wll apply at my home, and everyone elses home where my son goes. These are them:
Use indoor voice
no temper tantrums
put toys away before bed
put dirty clothes in hamper
no running in the house
clear plate from table
ask b/4 tv, games, computer
tell mom if someone is at the door - do not answer
clean up your mess
use nice words
say please and thank you
what mom says goes
no slamming doors
no throwing things out of anger
put clean clothes away
clean room 1x a week/ make bed
talk nicely and sweetly- watch the tone of your voice
clean up any mess- even if its not yours
put things where they belong, even if you didnt take them out
no smiling or laughing when getting repremanded
do not talk back
do not argue
only 1 warning
time out/in room/remove from situation
write sentences/letter of apology
no game cube
in room for period of time/night w/ the door closed
:-) for a good day. not in trouble ats school or at home.
6 :-) in a row- Movie night- get to pick out the movie to watch, popcorn, ice cream, snacks of choice
12 :-) in a row- Chuck E Cheese
18 :-) $5 toy
24 :-) $10 toy
and we will go from there... and see how this all works out.
He seems excited so far!!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Last night he got up set with me and I got irritate with him.
I am having issues with my son. He is 7. in 2nd grade. He is disobedient, talks back , and is disrespectful at time. I do the best I can as a single mom but I feel like nothing I do is good enough.
well last night my son was getting ready for bed.. had his snack and then asked for more.. i told him he could have an apple and something to drink... he threw a fet.. he didnt like apples. I told him that it was apple or nothing... so he took the apple and then asked me to peel it and cutt it for him. I told him no. up till that day he never needed it like that and that I was busy getting his sister to bed and he needed to get to bed too. he threw a fit.. went to his room and started screaming for me to cut his apple. i went and closed his door... this made things worse. i got his sister into bed... and his screaming continued.. i went into his room and told him that he wasnt going to get it cut and if he didnt stop screaming and acting a fool i was going to take the apple and close his door... at this time my boyfriend comes and starts yelling at my son also. we leave the room... and a few minutes later.. the screaming continues well it never stopped... and i again try and talk to him.. and teh bf comes in and starts yell... this time i am very irritated... we leave the room and i tell him that my son doesnt need both of us in there yelling at him at the same time.. i can handle it, i am in charge.
he gets mad and goes outside for a cigarrette..
i finally get some son to settle down and go to sleep.
the bf barely says anything to me for the rest of the night and goes to bed early with out me.
this has been something that has been happening for the past few week... my bf acts on emotion.. reacts in anger towards me son... and I believe over punishes.. (sentences, takign things away, grounding to room etc.) My boyfriend isnt there everyday... and I am the one who has to full the punishment... which isnt a big deal.. but when its something i feel is overwhelming... like multiple punishments for little things... it irriates me some...
we have talked about this and he has even admited that he does go over board with things... and he doesnt think i handle my children the way i should.. i need to be harder on my son (even tho i am told by other people that i am too hard on him) and that his mom was hard on him.. disaplined in , grounded, yelled, spanked, etc... and yea hes a decent person now... but it took this long for the point to get across... so is that way of disaplining the "right" way.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
He has a plan, and even tho you may not be exactly where YOU want to be, He will place you exactly where HE WANTS you to be.
A good friend of mine was dating a lovely man for a few weeks. She is the type of person that falls hard and falls fast. She thought that he was the one. She thought that they were perfect for each other. And she thought that he felt the same. The this last Saturday he came over and said he wanted to talk. He told her that he did care about her, but he wasnt ready for dating. He just wanted to be friends. He had some issues from his past he wanted to work through and couldnt do that while dating her. She was heart broken. To make matters worse, she logged into facebook and see that he had changed his status to single... and here for dating. She just couldnt grasp this. He was perfect for her. He was the one she wanted to spend her life with... and he didnt feel the same... and now was on to find someone new. She came to me... I told her that he wasnt the one. That God brought that man into her life for a reason... she may not see it yet, and may never see the reason clearly, but there is a reason. She still didnt understand why she kept getting heartbroken. I told her maybe it was because the one person that God has already chosen for her has been so heartbroken too that you need to know what that is like to better be able to relate and understand and love this person just the way God intended. Also that maybe God is trying to get you to see HIM. When things go good in our life, we dont feel like we need anything, we can handle everything ourselfs... but when we are down, sad, depressed, hungry, tired, poor, weak whatever.. we realize that we can not do it alone... we need help. we need God.
No matter what is going on in my life, I turn to God. If its good- I praise and honestly even if its bad- I praise. I can see so many times in my life where if I hadn't gone thru the struggles, I wouldnt be where or who I am today.
5 years ago, I married my highschool sweetheart. 4months later we had seperated and a little over a year we were divorsed. Partying, drinking, and my friends were more important to me than my husband and at time my son. I was going out 3-4x a week partying, leaving my son at home with my parents... then one day a man came into my life- Travis. I kept on doing what I was doing. He told me he loved me and eventually I fell madly in love with him... and I changed. I stopped partying. I became a family person. I was there for him and I was there for my son again. Fast forward 2 years and we were seperated and I had a one year old by him... but I was still madly in love. He had my heart and he knew it and took advantage of it. I was always there for him but when I needed him... He was never there... He broke my heart beyond words could express... and because I was so down, I got down on my knees and gave my life over to Christ.
Now I havent been perfect since that point... but my life did change... and if it werent for Travis, I wouldnt be saved.
For about 2 years I had been praying to find a church. One that I would love, that I wouldnt fall asleep in (lol)and one that was a good Christian chruch. Well the thing with this was, I really didnt go out searching for a church. With 2 kids that are very clingy on to me, getting up and going to chruch with them just seemed very overwhelming. So needless to say, I didnt go very often. Then last summer I met a guy- Pete. We started dating and things were ok... but there were a lot of issues and a lot of warning signs that he wasnt someone I should spend my life with... so I eventually broke up with him. But before I did, one Sunday, I convinced him that I wanted to go to church so he took me to one that he had gone to bible study at years past. The chuch left a memerable mark in my head. The following Christmas I went there for their Christmas eve service and in January I started going there every Sunday and in Feb got baptised. God answered my prayer in a way that I didnt expect him to. And even though I hurt from this relationship with Pete, it was for good... I found a church. He was brought into my life for a reason.
I can see so many different ways that God has made things happen in my life for a purpose. He has a plan set out for me... a husband in mind... and even kids (if i am to have anymore) set aside for me... JUST ME. I may turn down a different path that He originally plowed for me, but he takes that new path that I am going on and plows it back back to the way he wants me to go.
He has a Plan.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Me and my bf had a lil talk last night. I had received a text message from an old friend... a man I had cheated on my ex with. I cheated on my ex many times... My bf was like I thot it was only once... I said no. I dont tell many people about this. It was more than once. I was young and stupid. I have no excuse... what I did was unexcusable. I will always have to live with knowing I was that person, that person who cheats. I will NEVER be that person again.
I am completely honest with my bf (and even past bf) about me cheating. Sooner or later they would find out, its not a secret.
My bf the other night told me that he was afraid that I would cheat on him eventually. Especially cuz I didnt cheat on my ex till years into the relationship. It didnt consume him, but it does cross his mind from time to time. It made me realize that soemthing I did YEARS ago, still effects me and my relationships till this day. And honestly if the shoes were on my feet, Id be the same way. The funny thing is. I can relate now to what my bf told me. My past boyfriend told me it bothered him and that he thot I would cheat on him too... but the way he told me was angry. It was belittling and made me feel like I needed to defend myself to him. Where my bf now talked to me about it. Explained how he felt and why. Its amazing now how much different I feel about me cheating. Before it was just something I did. Now its something shameful that I did.
God is amazing.
Monday, October 26, 2009
A battle of life. A battle of right and wrong.
I am a Christian. I don't hide the fact. I am not a perfect person. I do not think I am any better than anyone else becasue of it either. I am still learning. I make plenty of mistakes. I am still weak. And the devil still sometimes wins the battles and I stray down the wrong path.
But the thing is. I have faith. I am amazed at time at my faith. I know God has a plan for me. I know that Jesus gave up his life for mine and for yours. I have faith that no matter what is going on in my life. No matter how great or how horrible, I know that God is there. That he will see me thru it all. That everything I go thru will make me into a better person as long as I take the right path and I have faith. I belive that it is the hard time in your life, that bring you closer to God. I know that if I hadnt been thru some of the hard times in my life, I wouldnt be who and where I am today.
The most recent battle going on in my head is this: I am a Christain. My boyfriend is NOT.
2 Corinthians 6:14 (New International Version)
14Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
He has come right out and told me he believes there is a God, but he has no faith.
I don't really know what to do. I do love him. But he is not a Christian. I know God brought us together for a reason. Maybe for me to show him the Glory of our God? But I do not know how to do this. I dont know what to say or what to do to help him to believe. I have tried to get him to come to church with me... and sometimes he will (tho he did more before we were a couple). I have tried to get him to come to bible study with me and he did once. When I have mentioned it again... it was pretty much.. when he is ready he will go again... but when will that be.
So my battle in my head is what do I do? What is it that God wants me to do here? How am I do handle this situation?
Sunday, October 25, 2009
I am sitting here with my daughter watching a movie that we have seen over and over again... and I start thinking... about my life about the life I want. I feel like a childish little girl thinking the way I do. I am thinking about my prince charming. The man that is going to sweet me off my feet.. the man who will take all my pain away. The man that will make me happy. Is this just a fantasy that will soon dissolve like so many other one? Is it wrong to want that type of love or even thinking that type of love is possible? Is that type of relationship even possible? Where a man and woman have such a deep bond and a deep love that they can get thru anything. That both are mutually happy 99% of the time? Where the relationship is equal. Where the man is willing to do for the woman as much as she is willing to do for him?
I just want a companion. I want a man that will be there for me no matter what. That when I am sick or depressed or whatever, he will be there for me, he will help me and make me better. He will be there for me and for my kids. He will help me. period.
Is that to much to ask for? Just to be loved? To be cherished. To receive what I give?
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I am home sick today with both of the kids. Ugh. I have a headache and a sore throat and am just tried. Baby girl actually slep thru the whole night last night and didnt get up till about 930 this morning. I think that is the longest she has slept in at least 6months if not longer. Baby boy was complaining last night that he wasnt feeling good and again this morning. Noone had a fever but no one feels all that great. So I figured with swine flu going around and everyone in our lives being sick with something we should take to day off and just relax. Or at least try. With 2 kids there really isnt any resting for me at all. :-( I wish that I had someone here that would take care of me while i am sick... I texted the bf and asked if he was planning on coming over. Of coruse he isnt. I guess I just assumed that since I wasnt feeling that great today that he would come over tonite and help take care of me or something... but I guess not...
Then the surgery center called me to talk about payments since I havent reached my deductable yet on my insurance. I owe the full amout which is over 500 dollars... so I can either set up a payment plan with them which is about 98dollars a month or apply for care credit care. Ugh. Why does it always have to be difficult. I wish I had a partner in everything. A man that was my husband and was here with me to help me thru everything... We could do things together...
High point of the day... well last night... I fixed my toilet. Thanks to my stepdad coming over the night before and showing me what needed to be replaced. I went down to home depot and got the part and fixed it!! yeay! it works!! Then I also replaced my shower head. So I am glad those two things are done... Once I am off of here I plan on going and taking a nice long shower... if the kids let me anyway.
I feel like since I am home today that I should be doing something... cleaning... rearranging... something... ggrr... I hate not doing anything...
I am starting to worry about my job too. I am not really sure what is going to happen with it... and even tho I dont care for it... its all I got. If I lose my job, I am screwed. I have no one to help me pay the bills or nothing... I guess I am just in one of those over thinking type moods today.
I want to rearrange my family room... but I dont think that is something that I am going to do today. I need help moving my tv... it is too heavy and normally even if something is too heavy ill figure out someway to move it... but I am too scared, it would be just my luck that I would drop it or soemthing and boom.. no more tv. (that I am still paying on)
My parents are in Florida this week. So I have to go over there and let the dogs out everyday. This weekend I am thinking of making it a kid weekend. Go to a halloween walk on friday, get and carve pumpkins on sat. Have a movie night and/or a fire. Go on a hay wagon ride... I just hope this weekend is nice so that I can do all these things with the kids. This week so far has been beautiful. So I really hope it continues to this weekend.
Im gonna go read the weather report...
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Then the other night while I was in the shower, my boyfriend was over and that same fear came back. That he was gonna leave. This time my fear wasnt that I was going to be stranded somewhere, it was just he was going to leave me, that I would get out of the shower and he would be gone. He's never done this nor acted/threatened like he would. Yet, as I showered I half expected him to be gone when I got out.
Now me being the over thinker that I am, I started trying to rationalize this fear. and the only thing that I could even think of was my father. Now my father never abandoned me, my father never negleted me. But him and my mother did divorse when I was 7 or 8 years old. He moved out. He left me. I never knew till that moment last night that it effected me at all. I seen my father every other weekend and talked to him almost nightly on the phone. He was still in my life. But he still had left.
The other explaination that I had for this was that the Lord is preparing my heart and my mind to help with my duaghter. She is goign to be 3 in a month. Her father is barely in her life. In the last 4 months he's seen her 2x and one of the times was for 5 min. She is going to grow up with issues because of it. She is going to feel left or abandoned by her father and maybe even feel that its her fault or that she is less than perfect and thats why her father didnt want anything to do with her. It is the same with his other 3 daughters. None of them see their father. And I know at least one of his beautiful children wonders why, and to a point blames herself. Asks me why does my daddy hate me? Why doesnt he love me. I try and help and comfort her as much as I possibly can, but I do not understand it either. I do not understand how a man can leave and forget about something that he helped create.
I just pray that maybe one day he will wake up and realize his failure as a father before its too late.
I know God has me in the situation that I am in, that He has me feel the things I do, so I can better understand others and be there to help others thru any type of issues that they may be. I know that I over think and over analyze everything that happens in my life so that why I have a clearer picture on life and on Him.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Today at work, I am just sitting here and I got that feeling againg... but along with that feeling... I heard a voice say: thats not the love for you friends that you feel, its the love of God and the love for God.
Wow. It is amazing that it took me this long to figure something so simple out.
I am in love with my Lord!!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Its been one of those weeks... If I am gonna go grey... this week definetely added a few extra (hundred) strands... and really I am not sure exactly why.
I think it started with my ex m-i-l being on vacat this week... She gets my son from school on Thursdays... so with her being gone.. I had to try and rearrange the scheduling.. which nomrally wouldnt be an issue.. I just would take a late lunch and I would pick him up myself... but I have a doc. appt.. that unless I want to go in at 645am on a Sunday.. I cant reschedule. So for some odd reason, this just screwed up my whole thought process for the week.
My bf and I were having a few issues too.... not really sure where its going.. but I guess we will see... Tuesday had a Tastefully Simple training... till late... having a Purse Party on Friday.. so been trying to get everything together for that...
I think I am just waaayy over thinking everything...
But I am hoping this weekend is going to be a good one... I am hoping that the party on Friday turns out pretty good... (esp. cuz I need the money)... that Saturday is relaxing and S's father actually comes and picks her up. and that Sunday is relaxing too....
I guess time will tell...
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
She has a boyfriend of about 2 months now.. if that... and she is quickly realizing.. he is so not what she wants or is looking for in a mate... Hes much older than her. doesnt want his own kids tho loves hers. doesnt give her the love she needs. But they get a long great... they have the perfect conversations... the first time either of them has had that in a relationship.
lately she has been thinking about an ex. he's single and has said that he still loves her. she still loves him but their breakup was very bad on her and it took up till 6 months ago before she could even talk to him. they dated about 3years ago for a little over a year.
But she feels guilty that she is even thinking about another man.. she feels this is a sin... even tho they are not married.. she is committed to him.. she wouldnt cheat for anything... physcially anyway.. but is she cheating emotionally? mentally?
She feels like she is breaking commandments cuz of her thoughts...
Shes committing emotional/mental adultery.
She coveting another man.
Shes torn about her feelings...
I think it is wrong that she is staying with a man that she is not completely happy with. I think it is wrong that she is with this man and attaching herself to another emotionally to another man. i think she needs to make a clean break and figure things out about herself.. her future.. and her ex.
What is your opinion?
Monday, October 12, 2009
The grass aint always greener on the other side of the fence...
My mom always told me that growing up... the grass aint always greener...
I completely belive that is true... I know there have been time when I broke up with one person because I thought being with someone else would be so much better... and it wasnt so much better.. there were issues there.. but there were issues i could deal with.. so the grass wasnt so much greener.. it was just a different shade of green.
I was reading another blog about how this girl was dating this great guy.. He was practically perfect in everyway... but there was something missing... something just not right in the relationship. And she didnt exactly know what to do .. stay with him cuz everything else was perfect... or move on... she decided to move on...
I think if you are not married (marriage is totally diff. ill go into that in amin) just dating.. sit down with the person and see if you both are on the same level... trust your instint... if nothing changes.. then maybe its time for a change and you need to move on... the grass may not be greener on the other lawn... but it might be a different shade and it might be a shade you are adequate at seeing in the perfect light.
Now for marriage... yea the neighbors lawn may look greener... but the thing is.. you bought the house... its for life... get out the fertalizer... plant some flowers... may take a little bit of time for them to bloom... but it will.. but marriage is for life... you just need to put the effort in and make the yard perfect... in your eyes.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother
who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework,
do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who
can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student,
balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the
same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions
that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through
the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment,
knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.
Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us,
the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear.
Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Why do I over think everything so much... Why do I over react the way that I do?
I havent exactly been fair to my BF... I have expected the worst from him... and even when he had shown me good... I still see the bad. I blame a lot of this on my ex.. but over all I am the only that can be blamed for any of it. My BF overall is a great guy.. sure there are things about him I dislike... but you will have that with any relationship I guess. I don't know... Since my husband... I dont feel I have been in a normal relationship. They were all one sided... where I was the one having to give up things to make the other happy...
I was freaking out yesterday because I didnt hardly hear from my bf all day (even tho he was sick and slept most of the day)... I automatically assumed it was cuz he didnt want anything to do with me...or something... Today he did take me to lunch (tho i do think it was cuz my friend -male- took me yesterday lol).. is planning on getting us dinner... and is even planning a weekend away to a murder mystery weekend at a hotel... aawww...
why do I always have to assume the worst. Why do I always have to think that I must not be good enuf for him to want to be around me?
Ugh. being a girl. lol.
GRRR my ex m-i-l gets on my nerves sometimes...
Sometimes me and her get along so wonderfully... and then other times... I just wanna pull my hair out.
She's a great woman. And our relationship is a lot better now than it ever has been .
But sometimes I just dont get it.
I just called her to find out if we would be able to switch day that she gets my son from school. She normally gets him every Thursday for one on one time. (which i really appreciate and I know he enjoys it too). So I asked if she would be able to trade one Thursday for the Wed. of that same week. Trick or Treat here is that Thursday... she hemed and hawed... it was her birthday... She finally said yes.. but with hesitation...
The thing that bothers me.. is that in a few months.. March exactly... My sons father and his family - m-i-l included are going to Florida on Vaca... right over my birthday... when I had originally mentioned this to her... She acted like oh well.. its just a birthday... who cares.. you can celebrate the weekend before or after... not a big deal... What the hell.. Why is my birthday not a big deal... but her's is??? GGRR..
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
So a friend of mine called me last night for advice. This is something that was weighing heavy on her chest and she needed a lil advice... I really wasnt sure what to tell her...
T was married at the time. She is now divorsed but not for the reason from this story. He husband worked 2nd shift and she first. So they didnt get to see much of each other during the week. Her neighbors (L) husband used to stop by and hang out with T in the evening or nights, especially after L went to sleep. Everything was cool. Then one night L's husband kissed T. They made out. Gropping was involved. That was it. That was the end of it. T made sure she was busy most of the time when L's husband would wanna stop by or anything. Years have passed. Both L and T are divorsed now and are very good friends. Back when the issue happened. They new each other, hung out from time to time, but werent super super close. Now T is trying to figure out if she should tell L about what happened with her husband YEARS ago or if she should just let it go. If she tells she might lose a friend. Cause more issues for L and her husband. L might go and tell T's ex-husband and then there will be issues there.
I am not really sure what to tell her.
Is she just wanting to tell L because of her own personal guilt she is feeling?
Is it worth telling T?
Will it make a difference to T that her husband cheated with her friend?
Monday, October 5, 2009
Friday afterwork had a great talk with the bf. I had been having some issues with my own insecurity and stuff. So we talked about it and got most if not all of it worked out.. (for now). Then had dinner as always with the family, then off to target with baby girl and my bff. Spent too much time and too much money in there. lol. Afterward, stopped by the bf job to give him the gift that I had given him, then headed home.
Saturday morning was up plenty early by baby girl :-) Went and got my massage.. OH so nice! very relaxed afterward.. not exactly as much as I was hoping for... but still good none the less... I definetely reccommend : Massotherapy Arts Center in Elyria, OH. Afterward called the bf and decided to stop over there for a bit and hang out. He rearranged his apartment, so it was cool. Afterward went home and got ready. Headed to the bridal shower. Which was very nice. I am so happy for my step sister and her husband. Straight after that I had to run to my dad and stepmoms house- my daughter decided to mess with Papi (my dad) tv.. and he was not a happy camper.. he couldnt get it to work.. Did that, got gas and headed to my friend Pam's house. Met up with Ashley and her friend and then headed off to go see Lecrae. It was AWESOME!!!
Sunday wasnt as good.. I woke up in a sad type mood.. I text my daughters father to make sure he was still coming to get her... he replyed... and I completely misread it... totally wrong.. and I went off on him. I thought he said he wasn't going to be home and wasn't going to get her. That is what I was expecting. That is the way he normally is... He has seen her once in a 3months time... So I over reacted and because of my reaction, he took it as I wasn't gonna let him have her and made other plans... So totally felt like a complete idiot... ugh. After church I went and hung out with my bf at his work for a lil bit. It was kinda fun... It was good to keep my mind off things for awhile... Afterward, I went home and cleaned and orgainized some and read some till the kids got home.. then went to my moms for dinner. My bf came over after that.. and I put the kids to bed (which was complete hell). We watched a movie and went to bed.
All in all it was a pretty good weekend... Hope the week is great and the weekend is greater!! :-)
Friday, October 2, 2009
I have a super full saturday that I am looking forward to.
Massage in Morning
Bridal Shower in the afternoon
Concert in the eveneing.
Sunday- Church and then my duaghters father is supposed to get her.. so I will have a day alone!!! that is a rarity in my world!
Hope it all goes great!!!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
In my relationship right now... I don't feel like I am of much importance... kinda like in my job I have right now.. I don't feel like i am important.
In my job, I didn't realize i felt that way till yesterday... I actually had something that I was needed for. I mean granted it wasn't something that anyone else couldn't have handled, but it was given to me to handle.. and I did. It felt good. It felt good to be needed.
In my relationship, I don't feel important. I joke that I feel like I am not so much a girl friend, but I am just a glorified friend. I dunno. Maybe I am wrong.. Maybe its just me. But I have never felt like this in any other relationship. I have never had to question my worth. Even in a relationship where I was pretty positive the guy was cheating on me... He still made me feel like he wanted to be around me, like I was meaningful in his life... Right now, I don't feel like that with my boyfriend. Ex: Yesterday, he spent the day with his cousin and his friends... I barely heard from him. I did in the morning when we seen each other driving past... and then when I would text him, he'd reply back. But that was pretty much it... till I went to be and finally got him to call me... and talk just for a few moments because all of his friend were down stairs.. So that was it. And this isn't a first time. I always feel like when he gets around his friends, I am a past thought in his mind... it used to not be like. When we were first dating, he would always text me when he was out with his friends, he used to text me and tell me how much he cared about me, how great I am, etc... We have only been dating for 3 months... Should this have changed already. He is always telling me (normally after I say something) that he does love me very much, he does care about me, that I am very important to him... but if he doesn't show it... words are meaningless...
Am I wrong for wanting him to text me more, to act like he actually is thinking of me, that he is actually still deeply in love with me?
Am I wrong for feeling like I am not important?
Is this just the way a relationship is??
I have never felt like this in any other relationship... the guys have always text me thru out the say or called me or had some kinda interaction with me thru out a day... on a daily basis. Is it wrong for me to want that?? I feel like he would be completely fine not talking me an entire day...
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I woke up so sad this morning realizing that things are changing. Its only been 3 months, and I can already see things changing.
More and more everyday, I feel less and less like a girlfriend.
We used to see each other almost every day. Or at least every other day... now its a couple days before we see each other, and he makes no move to come and see me... and honestly I dont either. I have learned with him not to make plans with him becuase something always seems to come up. But it just feels like I am not an importance to him like I used to be.
Is this normal? I have never worried before if a boyfriend wants me as his girlfriend.. Yea I have worried about if a man is cheating on me... but I am not really worried about that with him... just that I am not right for him...
Is this normal? Is this a normal part of a relationship? Maybe he's just getting tired of me? And maybe I am just over analyzing the whole thing and theres nothing even wrong...
maybe its just me.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Well my ex... was the complete opposite... he/we would go week with out having sex.. and it drove me nuts! He would get worried about somethng... and wouldnt ever be in the mood. :-(
There were nights I literally begged, I initiated only for him to say no and turn around, or for him not even to touch me when we went to be because he knew I wanted to make love to him... This seriously effected me.. and I am learning, it still does to this day.
I feel like nothing. I felt ugly and fat. I felt like he wasnt attracted to me, that he was cheating on me or wanted to cheat on me. I felt like he didnt want to be with me, that there was something wrong with me, that I wasnt good enough, that I was just WRONG. This went on for longer than I even want to recall... and till this day, even thinking about it leaves a hole in my stomach and brings tears to my eyes.
Well a new man in my life is not into sex as much as I am either. We have had many convos about this... and there has been times he's turned me down... it hurt but at least he explained it to me... but then there are other times that he has said that if I initiate anything... he will be willing... that was the key I thought... Well I realized the other night.. NOPE. I initiated intimacy between us... and nothing.. this time he didnt even explain... he just laid there... didnt bother saying, I dont feel like it tonite hun so dont bother... Im not in the mood... nothing... so I got up, hurt but not wanting him really to know how I was feeling and left the room... When I got back, I laid down and tryed to just go to sleep and ignore him... then he was like: are you mad at me? I told him no, im not mad. Which I wasnt. I was hurt. He was just like. sorry im not in the mood. Just short. So then Im like are you pissed at me? He was like no. Hm.
I guess he dont get it...
I wasn't hurt at him so much. I was just hurt at the whole situation. It brought back so many memories... hurtful memories. Painful memories... memories that even now,as I write this, bring tears to my eyes. It brought back all of those same feelings. That same emptyness.
I guess I shouldn't have assumed because earlier in the day he acted like he wanted to have sex with me... I guess I shouldnt have assumed because it had been a few days since we had sex let alone seen each other that I thought we would be having sex...
but I am not sure if I will be able to initiate the intimacy anymore... I dont want to feel that let down, that sadness, that self doubt... and I am sure he wont understand.
Monday, September 14, 2009
I think of myself as having unwaviering faith... that no matter what the situation..I always have faith in my Lord that things will work it. That He has a master plan for all that is happening.. and that everything has a purpose and that there is a lesson behind everything...
But sometimes I wonder about my faith.. This will be the first time I have ever mentioned anything like this to any one.. about my thoughts...
I am not sure why I do have the thoughts in my head that I do. I am not sure why I have the doubts in my head that I do... I know I think way to much, and I definetely over analyze everything way to much... I know this.. but in away I do enjoy it.. but then also it is my own little personal hell...
Almost on a daily basis, I do wonder not so much that there is a God.. I believe there is 100%. But I wonder if He is as we make him out to be.
A long standing argument that my ex and I had was over the bible. He didnt belive in it too much... That it was written by man.. yes God infulenced.. but still written by man. How do we know that the bible isnt biased? How do we know that it just isnt that one persons view on what was going on? And when the preacher is preaching.. it is his interpretation of what the bible says... How do we know that it is right? And to a point I completely see his argument. How do we know that what we hear in Church is the truth? How do we know that the man standing up front of the church is telling us the truth? or that he isnt up there giving us "his version" of the truth?
Another constant battle that goes on in my head... and I went into this in a previous post... Is how do I know that what I am thinking, that what I am feeling, that what I am wanting, and then what the outcome ends up being, are from God? How do I know that me doing this one thing, or dating this one person, or talking to this other person is from God? How do I know that it isnt the devil interferring in my life... leading me down a path that I unknowingly head, and it ends up in hell? How do I know answers to my prayers are from God? How do I know that they are not evil?
There are definetely somethings that go on in my life that I can completely see as the devil doing his work. And somethings that I see the Lord. but there a lot of times that I am confused on the whole thing... Like my relationship right now with my boyfriend... I love him so much. He has been my best friends for a very long time... We are good together. And he is one of the few men I have ever been with that I feel I can really completely talk to and be myself around and not have a fear that I am being judged, scrutinized or that anything I say will come back in the future and held against me. But he is not a Christian. He has gone to church with me, he has gone to bible study with me, and has said that he will go again and has even said that he is gonna tke me on the days that I dont go. But I wonder about the whole thing.. is this something that God wants me in? I know there is a reason for it all.. but I wonder...
And there are many other instances in my life where I wonder if this is the situation that God wants me in? But then I think about Job. He had faith like no other man. And the devil came in and tried to test his faith and get him to turn away from the Lord. So maybe things that I question are tests for me. Tests to make my faith stronger not weaker..
I do know that the Lord has a great plan for me... an ever changing plan but a plan non-the- less. And I just need to keep my faith and know that God is there... even in my doubt.
The Lord replied, "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it would obey you! Luke 17:6
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I don't want to brag.. but it was wonderful! He was super sweet to me Friday! He mowed my grass for me and then went and picked up the messes around my house... When I got home, I found a bouquet of roses waiting for me on my coffee table :-). He had called my mom already and asked if she would babysit for us for the evening, then he took me out to dinner at Brio :-) We had a wonderful time there. Great food. Great convorsations! Afterward, he asked me what I wanted to do... Go for a walk on the beach or go to the movies.. I automatically opted for the walk.. That is something we so rarely do... So that is what we did. And again great Convos! That is one thing I can say about my boyfriend, We have the best converstations. I mean yea there are times when we dont say much or I dont feel like what I am saying is being heard... but I do love talking to my boyfriend.
I feel like we did get closer to each other this weekend.. which somewhat scares me... I am scared to get close to someone, to open my heart to them.. for fear of getting hurt... but i guess that is what happens in a relationship... and you have to hope and pray for the best! :-)
Thursday, September 3, 2009
This has been a never ending battle in my head... is what I am doing right? is what happeneing God's will or the devils?
How do you know that even when everything seems right and perfect... its aint all wrong?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Why do these stop at all?
I have been dating a great guy for about 2 months now... and already I feel things changing. Its like that "wooing" stage of our relationship is over... theres no more impromptu back rubs, there no more middle of the day "i really love you" "you are the best thing thats happened to me" messages, theres just more distance... His friends get chosen over spending time with me... Id rather have a good book then wonder whats wrong... We dont live together. We do see each other almost everyday.. but later and later in the evenings... Things are changing... we are more comfortable in the whole relationship... or are we?
When are things supposed to start to change? At what point in the relationship? A month? 2 months? a year? engagement? marriage?
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I thought I was thru most of them.. I thought that the negativity and the issues were over and done with.... but now that I am in a NEW relationship with a great guy... I realize... Im not.... and I am lucky that he is a GREAT guy and that I can talk to him about how I feel... and I think he understands.
This past week was bad week for me. A few things went bad so that added stress on top of things that were already stressful. And my son started school and for somereason ... Him starting school always brings me down some. :-( On Friday, I got news that my ex was talking junk about me... that really messed with my mind... Its not that I want to be with him or anything like that... but I worked my butt off in that relationship only to be treated like crap. I beg him to see his daughter, to contact her, something.... and he hasn't... and to find out that he's going around saying that I WONT let him see her... is like a kick in the chest... It really hurts... And it shouldn't because I was expecting that. I knew he would talk crap. I knew he would tell anyone else that I wouldn't let him see his daughter for whatever reason.. cuz he told me the same things about his baby mama's when I first met it... I guess I was hoping that I would be different... but I wasn't... lol.
So I already had a heavy heart... and that on top of it..brought me down even more... the devil was winning that battle... And my boyfriend did a couple things, that my ex had done... I am not going into details about what it was.. but overall it wasn't a huge thing... but it was enuf that it made me sad and made me get down... and it brought back all of those memories from when me and my ex were together and how I felt... and I took it out on my boyfriend. I got upset with him over what he did way more than I should have.. I was lashing out at him for a past hurt that I still have lingering in my heart... But the great thing about him.. he sat down and talked with me... and I could open up to him about how I feel..
This whole past weekend made me realize about how I still hurt... and how I am basing my boyfriend on my past hurts... its hard not to do that.
How do you get over past hurt? How do you move on completely? How do you not base a current relationship on past ones?
My one friend suggested that I sit down and write a letter to my ex... about how I feel, how i hurt, how much anger I have...everything... and then burn it... and it will help... I need to do that. Maybe that will help.
Monday, August 24, 2009
I have one friend... that I met when I was 15... We were boyfriend and girlfriend for exactly a month and in that time I think we maybe seen each other once?! twice?! The amazing thing is... even after 13 years... we have still managed to stay in contact and remain friends thru everything. Psycho girlfriends, over bearing boyfriends, protective parents, time and miles that grew more and more each days... We have always manage to find each other and stay connected.
Then I have one friend that I have know since I was 1 1/2 and she was born... We grew up across the street from each other and were the bestest of friends.. We did everything together... but over time we went our separate ways. Then because it is truly a small world.. we connected again thru another friend and we became friends again. But not like we were. We see each other once in a while, talk on the phone once in awhile... but we both have families now... we both have our own busy lives and its not always easy to stay as close as we once were...
Then their are of course the school friends... The people that you talked to in your classes at school, or at least you knew in school.. Not exactly people you want to be friends with or really hang out with.. but you know who they are... then all of a sudden one day you see them on facebook or myspace and they have sent you a friend request or you send them one... you never talk to the person.. but just want to know if your life is better than theirs... if they ended up staying the same or changing... you just are nosy... or you just want to look popular and have all these "friends" to make yourself better...
What constitutes a good friend... We were talking about this in Church/Bible Study yesterday...
Is it someone who always is there for you thru anything.. even if its wrong??
Is it someone who will tell you that what you are doing is wrong and cant be apart of it??
Is it someone who will get drunk with you and have those good times?? but when the times get tough.. they seem to disappear?
Is it someone who is willing to sacrifice time, energy, money to help you, be there for you???
Is it someone who is only there with THEY need something... when THEY have a problem and need YOUR help?
Is it someone one who when you try and talk to them about a problem in your life... it always gets turned around to whats wrong in theirs and how you can help them?
Is it someone who just loves you for you?
Is it someone who even after months or years of not talking/seeing/communicating you still consider them a good friend and would do anything to help them?
Is is someone that even after any amount of time will call you/email you out of the blue, just to see how you are doing?
What exactly is a good friend to you??
I have friends that meet all of these things... Some meet one or two.. Some meet most of these... Some are good friends that I know no matter what, no matter the situations.. they will be there.. they wont be too tired.. in a bad mood.. too busy to help me... they will be there.
Some are good friends, some are sometimes Friends and some are best friends... Some I know no matter what... we will never NOT be friends.