Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Renbug turns 10!!!

Where has the time gone!!?? 

Seriously! When did my first baby girl become 10years old!!!  Oh yea.. just yesterday. 

She is seriously so amazing!!  She has is my best friend and I hope that I am hers. She was my sole partner in crime, my inspiration, and my rock.  Because of her (and my son and my other girls) that I strive to be better. 

But it is because of her that I go above and beyond to make things work... to make up for the fact that her father is barely in her life.  

She has taught me so much in the past 10 years... She has shown me how strong I am. 

Thank you Renbug!

You are an amazing, beautiful, girl!! 

You will always be my baby girl! 

I love you! 

Blessings N Love 
Overthinking Mama 

Rambles and such

I have been wanting to post for forever.  

It always seems that as soon as I sit down to start writing, my mind just goes blank and my fingers just can't seem to move across the keyboard. So then I log out and go onto something else. 

My life motto seems to be anymore "Ready for the day to be done". 

I hate wishing my life away. I just so feel like I am stuck in a rut. Like I am in a big mud pit and my wheels just can't get traction. 

I feel like I am going through all the motions of every day life... but I just can't break free from this... this... plastic bag over my head... that I am slowly suffocating in. 

I don't know what to do or how to stop it.  

So many things in my life are not how I ever expected them to be right now. 

The one thing I know is that God has a plan for me... still not sure exactly what it is... but I know He's got one. I know that He loves me and is always with me through everything that I am going through. 

My husband keeps telling me that he  doesn't think I have full accepted my dad passing.. or that I have fully grieved.  Its like, I have greived as much as I can. I miss him terribly. I know he's not coming back.. it don't fully seem real, but I know it is. Death is a part of life.  But I can't stop for a moment to grieve.  I can't even get a day off to be sick with out the house falling apart lol.  I can't allow myself to wallow is sadness and depression... and that is super hard. 

I am depressed. I am on meds and they help tons, but I am still depressed. I think that is part of the reason that I feel the way I do... like I am stuck in a rut... because its like I am always in this thick fog of depression. And I don't know maybe its as bad as it is because of my dad passing... but I really think there is a lot more too it. 

This has been the first Major Holiday with out my dad. It was really hard.  Normally the day after Thanksgiving I had my dad and our grandma over for dinner. I cook a big turkey with all the fixins. And this year I just didn't do it.  I had to work anyway... but I just don't think I could do it. On my facebook time line it keeps showing me the pics of my dad at thanksgiving at my house. Its sad. I miss him a lot. 

I feel like, if I could just get a day or two alone... at home...  no kids, no husband- just me. And I could clean, organize, purge, nap, rest, be with God.... that maybe my mind and my heart with get aligned a little bit better and I could get out of this fog...  But that is not going to happen any time soon... so I just have to make due with what I get. 

Anywho... I need to get to work and get things done. 

Thank you for listening to me ramble on... 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama