Wednesday, March 27, 2013

my week-instagram style- 3/15-3/24

Love my church

womans retreat at church

first time at chic-fil-a

my bestie cooking us st. patricks day dinner

steak and chicken

she's a vampire!!! 


dinner!!! yum! 
amazing cd came out! Benjah!! 

baby girl had a music performance at school

watched the Passion of the Christ with baby girl and a good friend. 

just me

duck lips!!! me and my bestie

my son is so handsome! 


she def has her own style.

the big dog thinks he belongs on my lap. oye

gotta love spring in ohio

my planner

love this!!! BE STILL 

so sleepy and so don't wanna get up! 

Have a great week ya'll

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

no title

I sneak off down the hallway with my coffee cup in hand.. hoping that no one notices me.. hoping no one is in the break room or the bathrooms. I don’t want to be seen. Not like this, because I know if one person sees the tears welling up in my eyes, I will lose it. The flood gates will open. 
I make it into the bathroom without anyone noticing.. but then I see myself in the mirror. I see the sadness in my eyes that I feel in the very depths of my soul and I can’t hold back any long.  I want to scream but I have to hold it in. I am at work. I have to pretend I am ok.  I drop down to my knees and silently call out to God.  “Lord Help ME!!! I can’t do this Lord, I can’t handle this pain, this sadness anymore. I can’t do this. I don’t know what to do. I can’t do this. This is too much for me to bear. Lord help me!!!” 
It feels like there is a hand grabbing onto my heart, pulling it, squeezing it tighter and tighter. Its hard to breath. Its hard to focus, to work, to be normal.
I am tired of pretending everything is ok. I am tired of putting on this smile that I am happy. I am fine. I am ok.  I am tired of waking up every morning, hoping that if I have the right outfit on, the my hair and make up are just right, I will be ok today.  Every thing will be ok.
If it wasn’t for my kids, I think right now I would walk out of work.. out of my life… not caring. Not worrying.. and just drive.  Fill up my tank and drive. South. Warmth.  I need a change. I need a break. I need something different.   I need to start over. I am tired of the pressure. Of the responsibility.  But I can’t say that. Not to anyone. Not out loud… I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am a worker. I have to keep it all together.  I have to make sure everything is ok for everyone else, yet inside, I am crumbling.   I have to be responsible for the choices I have made in my life. I chose to have two beautiful kids. I chose to raise them alone. I chose to buy the house and the car. I made the choices and now I have to be responsible for it. And I will be, because that is me, that is who I am.

I know God has a plan for me. I know He is with me.. and I think knowing that, is one of the few things that has kept me somewhat sane.  That having the faith in Him had kept me going on, kept me thinking that eventually everything will be ok.  I just wish I knew when. Knew that this pain is only going to last another week.. another month.. to have some kind of end to this.. its been off and on for as long as I can remember.. but really being bad for the last year.  This last year has been the worse I have ever felt. Ever. I am scared to think about how much I’ll have to endure.

Sometimes I wish that I had some major problem with me.. drug addict, alcoholic… idk something.. then people could see it’s a problem.. not just oh she’s sad again. Oh she’s not happy with her life.  If I had her life I would be so happy. She just needs to be happy, realize how blessed she is.  She needs to do this or that.  Yea. Its not that easy.  Or tell me I should go to the doctor and get pills. Or I should do this or that… its not that easy. I can’t really afford it. I don’t want to go on a pill that is going to make me feel worse than I do now.  I have before. I don’t want to go back to that.

I just want someone there for me. I know my friends and family are there. Emotionally, physically… but my kids.. my house.. my bills.. its my burden. Not theirs. If my house burns down, yea, I’ll have a place to stay, but it’s my stuff that’s gone. My roof needs repaired and yea, they are willing to help, but in the end, I’m the one who needs to make sure its gets done. I just want someone to share this burden with me. someone who can be scared with me, someone who will lose everything with me, someone who will work for something because it’s for them too… not just for me.  

And Idk maybe I am explaining all of this wrong, cuz it seems like most people don’t get me.. or what I am going thru.  This hopelessness. This loneliness. 

I am so tired of trying to be happy. I am tired of fighting the feelings every single day.  I need a break. 


Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Friday, March 15, 2013

Realization Friday!

Its Friday!!!!

And time for the realizations!

This week I have come to realize:

~ that I can still pick up my 10yr old 100lb+ son and carry him into bed!  (and I only weigh 25lbs more than him!!)

~ that I am really looking forward to just sleeping in tomorrow. Oye. So tired this week.

~ that Its amazing seeing God work in life. Mine and others.

~ that its always something that needs done. Now for me it’s a new roof. L

~ that I am so ready for warm weather!!!

~ that sometimes I just need a hot bath, candle light, a glass of wine and a good nights sleep… and sometimes I just need a vacation.

~ that God is so good!!!

~ that I really want to write… a book maybe?! Idk yet…

~ that I have lost so much motivation in the last week. All I want to do is sleep.

Hope it’s a great weekend for ya’ll and I am really hoping that it warms up here some- especially for the St. Patricks Day parade Sunday!!!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama. 

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

life instagram style- picture overload!!

This is the past few weeks on instagram. I kept forgetting to post. I'll try and do better but for now, sorry for the pic overload. lol.  

quite time with the Lord. My favorite part of the day!! 
going to lunch with this great woman. 

on my way to lunch to a few great woman!! 

my mom threw me a surprise birthday party!!! it was so much fun!! 

another of my besties!! 


back to my house afterwards.. gotta love my face! 

the group! 

Worship team at church getting set up. love my church

my crazy kids and grammi's new dog woody

ugh at the doc... temp of 102 :-(

morning comes too soon! 

movie night with baby girl- Breakfast at Tiffany's 

love this

my daughter put bella in here... and she stayed for like 15minutes!!! 


all ready for my first date :-)  

crazy chihuahua

best lunch ever

love that i can wear my son's hoodies!! 

time with the Lord!!! :-) 

God is seriously the best artist ever! 

still not feeling that great :-( 

love this saying! ha

dinner out then bday shopping

it was my daughter's sister birthday!! my stepdaughter even tho her father and i ain't together. she is seriously the sweetest girl ever!! 

my daughter got pushed around in her stroller that we used when she was a baby. she couldn't even fit her legs in it anymore... but wasn't feeling she got spoiled. :-P

yea... getting old sucks.. gotta bleach my mustache!! and while im at it my eyebrows to match my hair! 

Higher Learning Tour- Cleveland!  Amazing night!!! 

what I woke up to on my birthday!! 

bday gift from my mom and kiddos

1st soccer practice!!! 
That dog loves him. 

yum. bday dinner with my mom and family

bowling with my bestie!! so much fun!! 

love this pic of her! 

my goof troop!! 

yummy watermelon margarita! 

deep fried pickle chips
great gift from my mom. a bible study journal! 

New outfit! 
Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama