Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Cut off

I was driving on my way to work this morning... and I go to switch lanes... I look in my mirrors.. nothing.. look out my window... nothing.. so i merge into the other lane... then i look in my rearveiw mirror... and there a lil red car?!
Was it always there? Did I just cut them off...
and immediately I tried to put the blame onto someone else...
~well she was following to close
~well she was in my blind spot
~well...
~well...

Why do we as humans have such a hard time putting the responsiblity of the blame on ourselves when something goes wrong? Why do we insist on saying it was someone else who did it? Trying to figure out someway to not make us look like the bad person.

I was reading an email bible study that I recieve everyday at work about King Saul... and how he was always trying to put his faults on to someone else... like God didn't know the truth...

Its amazing how we think we can fool God into thinking that we are more perfect than we are... and how we actually try and fool ourselves in to believing that its the truth.

We need to man up and take responsiblities for our faults... the truth will come out eventually...

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives" (1 John 1:9-10 NIV).

Friday, March 20, 2009

Morals.

I have come to realize that in todays society, its very hard to have good morals...For lent I gave up sexual pleasure... including sex and masterbation.I will be the first one to admit... its hard... and my friends think I am crazy...I can only imagine what the reaction will be if and when I tell them that I am really thinking about giving up sex until marriage...the way I figure- A- thats the rigth thing to do... that the Christian thing to do... and B- ive been doing the whole relationship thing backwards for the last 14years... maybe i need to try a new approach to the whole thing...My good friend and I have been talking about a girl that he likes... he really wanted to do things different with her... and thought she was different. The chics he was used to hanging around with only really wanted one thing from him.. Sex. He shared the text with me.. I seen it first hand... and at one time he was all about that... didnt think anything about it... So this new girl he met.. they had spent time together.. he thought she was different... but anyway old habits die hard.. and one thing leads to another.. and they have sex... the next morning he tells her... we shouldnt have waited... her reply: why? his: he said sex complicates things- she said no it doesnt. Since when doesnt sex complicate things?? I know me personally... if its someone I like and want to love.. and we have sex... it brings up all kinds of additional feelings and thoughts...why is sex thought about so loosely now?Why shouldnt it be soemthing we wait till marriage or at least a strong committed relationship?Why is it that people that are saving themselves are looked down upon?

Morals

I have come to realize that in todays society, its very hard to have good morals...



For lent I gave up sexual pleasure... including sex and masterbation.

I will be the first one to admit... its hard... and my friends think I am crazy...



I can only imagine what the reaction will be if and when I tell them that I am really thinking about giving up sex until marriage...

the way I figure- A- thats the rigth thing to do... that the Christian thing to do... and B- ive been doing the whole relationship thing backwards for the last 14years... maybe i need to try a new approach to the whole thing...



My good friend and I have been talking about a girl that he likes... he really wanted to do things different with her... and thought she was different. The chics he was used to hanging around with only really wanted one thing from him.. Sex. He shared the text with me.. I seen it first hand... and at one time he was all about that... didnt think anything about it... So this new girl he met.. they had spent time together.. he thought she was different... but anyway old habits die hard.. and one thing leads to another.. and they have sex... the next morning he tells her... we shouldnt have waited... her reply: why? his: he said sex complicates things- she said no it doesnt.
Since when doesnt sex complicate things?? I know me personally... if its someone I like and want to love.. and we have sex... it brings up all kinds of additional feelings and thoughts...

why is sex thought about so loosely now?
Why shouldnt it be soemthing we wait till marriage or at least a strong committed relationship?
Why is it that people that are saving themselves are looked down upon?

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

a long journey

I have this feeling to write this morning... even though I really am not sure what I am to write... but the keyboard is calling to my fingers and I can not elude its sound... so here I am going...

My journey to being saved and finally making it officaial has been a long journey... about 13-14 years... at least that I can remember. My church is probably laughing at me. When I got baptised a month ago they gave me a single piece of paper with 3 questions on it... they got it back with all 3 questions answered... and 4 pages front and back filled... my story of being saved is not a few lines on a piece of paper...
It has been a total life altering journey for me.
At my bible study on Friday... they were talking about the Will of God... and death... and God using the death of someone as a postive to bring someone closer to him.... I can see that happening in my life.... the death of my 11 year old neice 6 years ago brought me one step closer, then the death of my 3year old neice 2years ago brought me one step closer... and I wonder, if those things didnt happen (along with many others in my life) if I would be where I am at today...
But anyway back to my journey... I hope you have a free minute to 10 to sit and read this... :-)
My story beings (at least the first memory of it all) when i was 13... I have fought depression since I can remember... my life has always been an up and down roller coaster of emotions... my highs were high and short and my lows were low and hard to get back up to that high... and even at 13 it was no different... and I think part of the reason for my depression was the fact that I was always looking for love... Now I was very loved. I knew my mom and my dad even tho they were divorsed loved me very much... i was still longing for love... so at the age of 13 I lost my virginity searching for love... in all the wrong ways... plus I wanted to be in with all the cool girls in school (or the popular ones.. hhmm.. wonder why they were so popular).. So the boy I lost my virginity too pretty much stopped talking to me the next day after he borrowed my pager (dont laugh) and decided never to return it. I was hurt... but I dont remember being crushed.... a few months later I remember skipping school (with my mother's permission... cough cough i was sick) and laying on the couch watching one of the wonderful day time shows... and there came a commercial for Power for Living... a book that talking about being saved... it was free... all you had to do was call this number.. give them your info and they would send this book to you... so something inside me made me call (God) and if anyone knows me... I do not like calling places and talking to people.. even back then.. lol. but I did.. and I got it... read maybe 2 pages and put it in my room somewhere on a shelf... years went by... and I met my future husband... we dated for years... and still I was longing for something more... me and him broke up many times... mostly because of me... me wanting something more... yet I never received it... and then I also cheated on him... and to this day I am still not completely sure why... just that I was searching for something more... some more kinda love... which I still didnt recieve... but this boy was good too me.. stayed with me.. we worked thru it, had a child, bought a house, and eventually got married... but I still wasnt happy. still was searching for something more... Our marriage lasted only a few months, mainly because of me... I would have rathered go out drinking, partying, being the center of attention than to be the wife and the mother that I should have been... I let him down and I let our son down... even after we split, I was still in that drinking partying mindset... looking for something... some kinda happiness, love... never to find... I had very low points, followed by even lower points, followed by more drinking and low points.. lol. but I was having fun in between... I was being promiscuous... searching for love and thinking I found it in breif moments. Then I met my daughters father... and in a lot of ways he was a life saver... we started dating... and he was/is very insecure and very controlling... and at that moment in my life... that is what I needed. I stopped going out all time... I stopped drinking all the time... I finally settled down... was ready for the family with him... about a month after we started dating I became pregnant... one week after we found out, I had a miscarriage and 2 weeks after that we conceived my daughter. Now he was a good man... but he has his demons in so many ways... and in ways you probably wouldnt believe me even if I told you... but there were many nights I cryed myself to sleep because this man couldnt love me the way that I needed to be love... he didnt have it in him... I prayed, i cryed, i slept... you never know true lonliness untill you are lying next to someone you love whole heartly... and then feel all alone... In Aug of 2006 his neice passed away... it was tragic.. we went down to North Carolina to be with his family during all of this. It truely moved me. As soon as we returned I went out and bought a bible... and for a few weeks, I read it ever night... but after awhile life took the drivers seat and the bible was place on the mantle of the fireplace and was rarely picked up again... 6 months after my daughter was born and less than a year and a half of a relationship, we split up... at the moment I wasnt overly sad... i missed him, i was lonly, but I was also relieved. It was a burden loving somone that didnt love you the same... a few months later we tried to work it out... He told me he was sorry, he loved me... I felt the love I had wanted.. he was sweet and kind and caring... the man I wanted... it lasted a month... He went to NC and while there he told me again how much he loved me, how much he was going to work to make us happy... and then 2 days after he came home... he just stopped talking to me... i was devistated... and even till this day, I cant think about it with out tearing up... I was heartbroken... i have never been hurt by a man before... till him. Finally we started talking and had moments where we are good and then we are bad... then New years eve 2007/2008 came... i had a small get together and invited him of course... i hate new years, i get very depressed- he knew this... the night was horrible... miserable.. he treated me like crap (which even till this day he denies- he doesnt even see it.) when it hit midnight... he was too busy on his phone to even hug or kiss me... i was heartbroken... after everyone left i asked him to stay, i was lonely i didnt want to be alone that night... He left. I went into a deep depression... Feb came... I was pretty much begging him at least once a week to come over, to stay with me becuase I didnt want to be alone... and he wouldnt... so finally one night in the begining of Feb. late at night, after my kids were in bed, i found that Power for living book... i had ordered 13 years before... that had moved with me 3x, had somehow stuck with me thru all those years... and I started reading it... and that night, I got down on my knees in the middle of my bedroom and asked Jesus into my heart.... I felt a relief... a burden lifted... I was happier than I had ever been!!! I was on top of the world... but didnt change anything in my life... didnt go to church, didnt read the bible... i kept saying.. I am looking for a church.. but never left my bed on a sunday morning to find that church... Spring of 2008 i met a guy and we started dating... and the further along the relationship went along... the more unhappy i became... and I didnt like who i was becoming because of this man... one sunday tho, i told him I wanted to go to church... so he took me to the church he went to a bible study too a few years back (i think this is part of the reason why God brought this man into my life) Harvest Ridge Assembly of God... We only went to the one service... a few months passed and we split up... Me and my daughters father tried to work it out again... for a whole 3 days... and it didnt work.. and again I was devistated... I was low... this lasted off and on till Christmas... Christmas eve came and my mom and family normally go to dinner out at Red Lobster then back to their house to open a gift... This year I told them that me and this kids were going to go to Christmas eve service.. if they wanted to come, good if not... then id meet them afterwards... (first time id ever stood up like that) so they decided to come... That morning I emailed 2 churches... Harvest Ridge and another one... Pastor Crowe at Harvest Ridge was the only one to reply... so that is where we went... and where I have been going ever since...
I feel like every thing in my life brought me to where I am today... I can look back and people I have met, things I have done, mistakes I have made and see my path to now... how God used certain things in my life to bring me to him... It was a long journey but so worth it... I wouldnt change one thing about my life.... because i might not be who i am or where i am today...

Thursday, March 12, 2009

The check list...

My friends and I made up a check list of what a man MUST have for us to get serious with....
They are simple things that we have had to deal with in the past with different men that we have dated....

1- must have a job
2- must have a car
3- must have a cell phone

We have learned that if a man doesnt have at least these 3 things... we as the girls we are...will be the ones having to compensate for their lack of...
No job- the girl will be the one paying for dinners, movies, fun times.
No car- the girl will be the one driving around, using her gas, her miles.
No cell- the girl will put the guy on her phone plan... (extreme cases..)

These are simple lil things that a man should have, period.
Why is it so hard to find a man with all 3?
And there are definetely more things that need to be on the list... but these are just the basic things....
What else do you think should be on our list?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The bday cards


This one is for Brianna- my daughter's 2nd oldest sister.




This one was for Aaliyah- my duaghters oldest sister. (i messed up on her name a lil bit:-( )







This one was for Mama Mary- My daughter's great-grandmother.

Long Distance Relationships...

Can they work?

How far is too far?

I have always been a believer that ldr's.. or long distance relationships can not work... at least not for me... I dont consider myself high maintenance or anything like that.. but if I am dating someone, in love with someone... I want to be able to see them, want to be able to hug them, kiss them, show them my love for them... and I will be honest... trust is an issue for me. I have had too many breaks in trust in my past and its very hard for me to trust someone.

But what is a long distance relationship? 30 miles, 60 miles, 100, 1000? Is it worth persueing a relationship with someone that you will only see maybe once or twice a year if you are lucky?!
It just doesnt seem fair to me... its not fair to either party.

There has to be a lot of trust. A lot of communication. A lot of honesty.
and in this day of age... is that even possible?

Running Amuck..

The other day I took my kids to an indoor play area at our local mall. My kids were more hyper than nomral... and they were just running all over the place... which i know is normal for a play area.. but there were other kids there and i didnt want someone to get hurt... So i would call to them.. have them come over ask them then demand of them to play nice... to settle down a little bit to quit running wild! But nothing worked.. Finally I just sat back and hoped for the best becuase no matter what I said or what I did or what I threatened... It didnt matter to my kids, they were going to do what they were going to do... So I sat down and watched... and as I sat there... a little light bulb went off in my head.... This must be how God feels towards us... His children... He tells us the rules, tells us how to live right... tells us the punishments... what could happen if we dont obey him... and yet we just keep running around with out a care... Not worrying about what will happen next, not thinking of the future. Just living in this moment. Living in sin. Not living for our Father, just for us... I wonder if that is how God sees us... as these disobedient, headstrong, stubborn lil kids... if He feels the frustration I was feeling when my kids would listen to me and I felt helpless to get their attention on what could happen... He has giving us so many chances... How many is it going to take before we learn and do right?

Its my birthday... well 2 days ago...

March 9th was my birthday and it was a great day... well mostly...
My son was in one of his moods... He was angry that it wasnt his birthday and he wasnt the center of attention... so he did everything he could to try and be in the center of attention at all time... I just dont know what to do... Then yesterday he was on red at school and still so full of anger. We stopped seeing the therapist because he was doing so good... now this...
Last week he was on green all week in school. A first since probably the begining of school. I mean after school it was still a battle at times... but I could handle that battle since he's been on green.
I am starting to wonder if its just me... He's good and behaved around other adults when they are watching him.. but as soon as I walk in the house... its like the light switch goes off and he's a brat. I am starting to think maybe he's angry with me... but I dont know the exact reason why.... maybe becuase i left his father... becuase i had another child... because i have to work all the time...becuase i wont give into him all the time... becuase i only get to spend a few hours a day with him... because i dont have a man in my life to be a father figure full time (his father is great but lives a half hour away and isnt there 24/7)... i dunno... I just feel like I am a failure as his mom.. and I am not even really sure what i should do... I pray for him and me.. ive fasted for him... I just don't know anymore...

But anyway.. back to my birthday.. it was great... My sister came into town and picked peyton up from school as a suprise (well sorta) for me.. so that way i could take my lunch later and get to leave early... i went to my dads and got to hang out with him and my step mom for a lil bit.. something i dont think ive gotten to do on my bday really in years... it was nice.. He started remining about the day i was born... and he got all teary eyed.. it was really sweet... and of course i got all teary eyed too! lol.
After that we went to dinner with my mom and step dad and bro and the kids... it was nice... then went back to my moms for gifts and cake and ice cream... it was wonderful!! A wonderful day!! My great friend Aaron sent me flowers and balloons! :-) that was a wonderful suprise.. he's in the airforse and down in TX at the moment. Leisa came over with gifts for me too!! It was a great great day!! God has definetely blessed me!!!

Saturday was Ari's bday. So we went over there to celebrate with her.. She had a party and it as always was a lot of fun! Travis (her and sissy's dad) showed up for a few moments.. and promised to take her shopping on Sunday... which he actually did!! wahoo.. he asked me to go along... I said fine (cuz i was partly afraid that if i didnt that he wouldnt go) but he had to buy me something for my bday... So sunday we all went shoppng... which was a lil hard for me ... brought back so many memories.. it was like we were a family again... it was really heartbreaking becuase even though i love him as much as i do... i know we will never be together... at least not happily unless he comes to know Jesus... and i am working on that (not just to be with him) becuae i think he would be so much happier if he were saved... but i think thats a long way coming... any way.. he got Ari a lot of nice things and told me I had $5 for a gift! lol. i think he said that cuz he didnt think i would be able to find anything... but i did.. i found a tank top for $4 and you better believe i scurried my lil but over to the dollar section and picked me out a magnet for $1... i was gonna use up that full $5!! lol This is the first time he's gotten me anything for my bday in years... I am gonna take full advantage of it! lol.
Friday night I had a lil get together for my birthday... that was a lot of fun.. my mom of course went over board with the food...she cooked for like 30 people.. and 7 showed up.. so needless to say we have food coming out the butt!! lol. But it was a lot of fun.. We played scattagories. It was hilarious.. I didnt drink at all !!! yea.. and still had a lot of fun!!!
So over all it was a great birthday weekend!!