Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Bowling

me and the kids went bowling with my mom last nite! it was a lot of fun other than pey getting upset because he didnt win!
I have realized i completely suck at bowling!!! i mean totally suck. We bowled two games.. the first my 2 yr old daughter helped with- she would throw the first ball then i would do the 2nd... I got a 93... The 2nd game i bowled alone... yea i got a 86! What the heck!!! thats sad!!

But it was a lot of fun!
I am thinking of signing pey up for bowling lessons and maybe also myself!

Allowance time

I am debating about giving my son after he turns 7 an allowance... He's been asking me how he can earn some money this past week to buy a book at the book fair at work... So he washed the dishes and took the garbage out for a dollar each. Hes been asking his Grandparents for money also...
I am just trying to figure out how much money should a 7yr old get a week... and what should he have to do to get it?

Any suggestions?

Friday, April 24, 2009

its friday!!

its friday! wahoo!!
i am really looking forward to this weekend! I am looking forward to bible study tonite... to going to the zoo with the kids tomorrow and then having pizza and movie night with them, i am excited for church on sunday and then to the Real Music Comp. sunday night! (www.thefest.us) I will probably be exhausted by work on monday. but i am really looking forward to it. plus its supposed to be really nice!! :-)

Monday, April 20, 2009

why..

I was thinkng this morning as I am ironing my pants... about my life.. my past... and my present...
and all I could honestly think about is...PRAISE GOD!! I am thankful for eveything in my life... including the heartaches and pain...
A lot of people out there when they have pain, hardship or heartache... they blame God for it... they think that he is the reason why they have the issues they are havin.. nothing thinking that maybe it was their choices in life that brought them to where they are and its God showing you of your mistakes and you going thru what you are going thru to help bring you back to Him.
As odd as it may be... sometimes it take those weak moments for us to ask God for help... if it werent for all the weak moments in my life... i wouldnt have the heart of the Lord that I do... I thank God for all the issues and the pain that I have thru..cause it has made me stronger and has brought me closer to Him.
I know God loves me. period...
Do you blame your parents when something goes wrong in your life?? Do you get made at them for the mistakes that you have made?? Why should you blame our Eternal Father for your mistakess?? Its not God that has made you do what you do.. its Satan.... blame him for it... walk away from him because of it....not our Lord.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

My issues with trust

I have never denied the facts that I have a lot of issues.... especially when it comes to trust. But I am trying to do my best to overcome all my issues... realize that my issues are from my past and not my presant and I cant judge the present and the future on my past...

I am in a long distance (not that l/d) relationship with a great man. Honestly he's the best man I have ever dated so far. He has everything that I wanted in a man. He's grown. He's got a good job, his own car, his own place, his own credit, and his own future. I don't need to be his mama.  He is sweet and loving and so affectionate to me. He goes out of his way to see me every weekend. He texts me all day long. We talk every night. He told me he loves me... and he looks at me like he really means it.. its not just words.  He is a great guy.

But I am still nervous. I am afraid from time to time that he will cheat on me. There I said it. I am scared. And not really because of anything that he has done... but because of my past.  For the most part... I don't worry about it. But I do have my days/hours/moments where I get that knot in the pit of my tummy and start to worry... when it takes longer than normal for him to text back to me... when he dont answer when I call... when he goes to bed early.  Because I mean honestly... he could cheat on me... and how would I ever really know? (trust me... i would find out!) I try my hardest not to think like that... and I don't make it into a big deal. If its something that seriously bothers me... I talk to him about. I dont get psyco jealous... I dont calling non-stop... I dont yell and scream. 
Why am I worried you ask? Because of my past... 
The last 4 relationships I have been in... well.. lets do the last 5.
The last one. Ended in Nov. I dated my bff. We had been friends for 2years before hand. He is still one of my bffs. But about a week after we split up... he was dating someone new... someone he worked with. Now I have no proof that he cheated on me or that he would have if we had broke up... but the fact that he moved on so quickly, makes me wonder if he was talking to her before we split....
The one before him. Ended in Oct 08. Im pretty sure he cheated on me... The facts:
~ I found an empty box of condoms in his bag. His reason... they had been in there from before me and him...
~ I smell "female" on his lower regions... with out going into details... I know "female smell"... and it was on him where it didnt need to be...
~ He would normally text me the whole day while he was at work... then towards the end of our relationship he barely text me... since he was on my phone plan... I looked up his phone activity. He text his female coworker all day long... but not me. (he started dating her shortly after we split.. and they are still together)
And the one before that:
ugh. lol.
~ he was emailing his ex-gf and asking to come be with her
~ after we split he moved back in with his ex wife.
~ he wouldnt have sex with me more than once a week... if I was lucky
~ I literally had to beg him to come to bed and sleep (no sex) with me
~ he did the same thing to me that he did to his ex-wife.. he wasnt working when we met... he was still married.. when he got a job.. he left his wife... then we got together... he lost his job... 9months later he got a job and a few weeks later we split
And the one before him:
lol. well me and him were never "serious" and I knew what kinda man he was... he would call me from his bed and tell me that there was a hot woman in it...what should he do...  id tell him to either f her or tell her to leave...  so you can come to whatever conclusion you would like in regards to that relationship. but truth be told... i wasnt expecting him to be faithful to me.
And the finally... ME... and my exhusband.
~ I CHEATED ON HIM.
So In a lot of ways... I feel what goes around comes around... tho I think by now Ive got my return karma! 

So because of all my past experiences... I have a lot of trust issues... and I am trying my hardest to overcome all of them and move on and not let them effect my current relationship. Its not fair to him or any future man (which I am kinda hoping this is it.. no future men) to prejudge him based on my past. Yes, my past will help me see the "red flags" but I have to remember that ever person is different... same as every relationship is going to be different... 

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

A CONSTANT BATTLE

A CONSTANT BATTLE
A ONGOING FIGHT
AN INTERNAL DRAMA
BETWEEN WRONG AND RIGHT

A ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONS
GOING UP AND DOWN
A CONSTANT TAIL SPIN
AND A CONSISTANT FROWN

THE ONLY RELIEF I RECEIVE
FROM THIS JAGGED SWORD
IS MY UNRELENTING FAITH
AND THE LOVE OF MY LORD

Constant Battle

A CONSTANT BATTLE
A ONGOING FIGHT
AN INTERNAL DRAMA
BETWEEN WRONG AND RIGHT

A ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONS
GOING UP AND DOWN
A CONSTANT TAIL SPIN
AND A CONSISTANT FROWN

THE ONLY RELIEF I RECEIVE
FROM THIS JAGGED SWORD
IS MY UNRELENTING FAITH
AND THE LOVE OF MY LORD

How do you know if it is right

My friend of mine... has been talking to this guy for a few weeks now... He's a great guy for her... They have a lot in common... but she's not all about him. She says she likes him... but theres something not there... She doesn't have that "butterfly feeling" about him. He's just a friend.

I wonder if she trys to find things wrong with guys or wont let herself be open enough to a new person to love them and let them love her?

If fear of being hurt and fear of failure hold her back from happiness.

or maybe just over the years of jerks, being hurt and betrayed has just opened up her instincts that much more so she knows when its right and when its not.

Battle

I have the constant internal battle inside of me.

Is what I am feeling a sign from God or the Devil pushing me in the wrong direction.

Example:
My ex- I still care about him... I feel like maybe God is wanting me to help releave Christ to him... but my ex is so not good for me... So then, I think... maybe its the devil trying to break me... make me miserable so I will fall back to his ways....

And there are many many other instances that I am constantly questioning... is the God or the devil that I am feeling?

I look back in my life... and I see all my mistakes... and how they have brought me closer to the Lord... I just dont want to move farther away by making wrong choices... so I am constantly second guessing eveyrthing I do, everything I feel, everything I think...

but hey... it makes for a good blog! lol.

Monday, April 6, 2009

it back to monday... but spring break.. and snow.

The last few weeks have been draining me... Both kids now have decided to start fighting me on everything... well my son on everything , my daughter on going to bed at night... MY TIME!!!

So this weekend I asked my son's father to take him for the weekend and asked my dad and step mom to take my daughter overnight on sat... and I went down to help my sis move and to get the hell outa here!! lol. it was good... i think i had my expectations up to high on the weekend... i was wanting it to be a girls night out .. with mysis and my bff... but my bff couldnt go.. and my sister was exhausted... but it was still an alright night out...
Came home on sunday and picked up pey and sissy... watched a movie with pey and cuddle up on the couch with him...
Monday mornng he is off again with his dad for the week for spring break... so i should have a pretty tame week ( i hope!!)