Monday, December 23, 2013


I have been meaning to post for a few weeks now... but honestly I haven't had the energy, motivation or even in a decent mood to get it done...

A couple weeks ago... my boyfriend Brett, asked me to marry him.... and of course I said yes!!!

He is an amazing man. We have had our issues, but God brought us through them all as he will with anything in the future.

He has been awesome these past few days with me or even really weeks. I have stopped taking my antidepressants for some personal reasons... which I will get into in a later blog post... but I have been suffering big time with depressions. Probably the worst I have had it in years... I just dont want to be around anyone. I just want to cry or yell over everything. It takes all that I have too not be like that 24/7.

Yesterday was a pretty good day.... and so far today seems to be also.
I just keep praying and putting it all in God's hands. I know he's got this!!!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Monday, December 9, 2013

Empty hole

As tears run down my face
I profess my love for You
My hear does flips
Knowing You love me too

With every single struggle I have
Day in and Day out
You are here beside me
I know this without a doubt

When I am on my knees
Pleading out to Your Name
I know You will never forsake me
And because of You I'll never be the same

Lord I love you
Whole heart, mind, body and soul
Only You and Your Love
Can fill this empty hole. 


Monday, December 2, 2013

Devil in a blue dress.

Well since I have last posted... I have struggling with so many things.

I am really starting to think the devil is after me hard.

This has been a very hard month!! I have feel so blessed in so many ways but its been a struggle.

I know it was God that Brett and I are back together.

I know it was God that I now have a part time job.

I know it was God that moved and blessed so many situations in my life.

I feel like because I was so close to God and I was receiving blessings the devil has to come after me.

With in the first couple weeks of getting the job, I got the flu and missed a day of work.  My daughter missed a day of school, so I had to miss work.  From the time that I got the flu, I continued to just feel blah.  Extremely tired, light headed, nauseated.  -

Brett and I have had petty little fights about stuff. We always talk everything out and are fine... but still I hate that we have our little "fights".

Last week as I was going to sleep... I felt this negative demonic presence next to me- next to the bed... I heard it whispering to me... " I see the wall"  I felt paralyzed. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak...nothing! Finally I was able to break free from this. The next morning however I woke up with such a horrible stiff neck that I was in tears from pain!!!  The pain lasted strong for at least 3 or 4 days... My neck still is sore but no where near that.

I have been dealing with my depression hardcore for the last month. Just have felt worthless... like I am a bad mom... like all I do is nag and complain. I have started worrying about finances and if I am going to be able to pay all of my bills. I am exhasuted mentally, physically and spiritually. Every single day has been a struggle.

But I know my God loves me!!! I know He's right here with me. And the struggles lead to strength... strength in my faith... strength in my love... strength in my mind.

My God is an awesome God and even tho I may struggle from time to time...I know HE has a great plan for all of this!!!  I know that the closer I get to the Lord... the more the devil will have to work to get me back... except... IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!! I may fail, mess up and sin... but my heart belongs to my Lord. PERIOD!!!

Love and Blessings
Overthinking Mama

Monday, November 4, 2013

Gods doing something in my life

It has been way to long since I've last posted. Things have been a bit crazy in the last few weeks...

I am still trying to get used to the whole getting up at 6am to get the kids ready for school. Ugh. It's tough!!

Something that I have been wanting write about for at least the last couple weeks is just how amazed I am at my Lord.  I can look back at the last 5-6 months and see how much He has worked in my life. How much He has been there. How much He has been there helping navigate... and helped me get back onto the right path towards HIM.

Last March I met a man and even tho at that time I really didn't want a boyfriend at all... this man pursued me... and we started dating, fell in love, and I thought he was "the one".  But then we started living our relationship how both of always had with others in our past. We were living our relationship in the way of the world. He started staying the night more and more and we were sleeping together intimately more and more. The devil started to win the relationship... and slowly we started to crumble because we didn't have Jesus in the middle of us. It was only us.

We ended up breaking up... and because of a few things I put a wall up and even though he wanted to work things out, I couldn't let him because of that wall... and now looking back, I know that it was supposed to happen. If I had let him back in at that moment, we would have ended up just right back in the way of the world all over again. I wasn't strong enough at that point. I wasn't strong enough to say No if he tried to get in my pants.

During the next few months, he continued to pursue me.  I tried to push him away. And I let the devil pull me closer to him and I became having an intimate relationship with another man. That was all there was between me and the other man really because I didn't want more. No matter how hard I tried to "like" this other man in any type of way... I couldn't.  My heart was closed off to everyone.

This went on for a few months till probably about a month/month and a half ago when I felt God telling me one Sunday that I needed to stop.  I needed to live the life that He wanted me to. I needed to live the life that I wanted. I had started taking biblical classes that lead to becoming a pastor.  How could I keep living the life that I was and be pursuing something like that. So I told the other man that I needed to stop.  He was upset and didn't understand why. He took it personal and thought that maybe there was someone else. The only other person there was- was Jesus.  It was a hard choice to make, but it was one that needed to be made.

The man that had broke up with me was still pursuing me... and I still continued to push him away.  I wanted to grow in my relationship with God before I could ever even consider having a relationship with someone else...

God continued to work with me... with my heart... and eventually it began to soften towards that man again.  Now we are taking it day by day... stregthening our relationship more and more and trying to put God in the middle of it this time.  We about everything and anything. And anything that either of us have an issue with, we are talking it out, and working through everything... so I guess we shall see what the Lord has in mind.  :-)

I am just in awe of the way the Lord has worked in my life... how he has used so many things in my life, to bring me back to him. How he has answered so many prayers of mine, and even more how he's not answered some.

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Small dreams

I have realized something about myself in the past few days....  I have small simple dreams... and I am not all that worried about being rich, a millionaire or anything like that. I just want to be able to spend time with my family. That is more important to me than anything else.

Thursday I took the kids to school. I get back home and realize that my son left his folder on the kitchen table. It had all his important stuff in it, so I ran it up to the school. Walking out of the school, I realized how much I really want to be home with my kids. How much I want to be there for them. How much I have missed out in the past years since I worked full time.   I said a prayer that God would find me a way to make that happen.   Later that day I met with a friend and we sat and talked for almost 4 hours!  While we were talking she brought up a business opportunity.  Later that day I went and listened to the presentation and it just sounded wonderful. I met with my friends "mentor" the next day to talk more.  He asked me what my dreams were.  The only thing I really could tell him was that I wanted to be home with my kids. I think he may have thought that I was slightly crazy because I didn't have huge dreams of having a mansion or traveling the world or anything like that.  He asked me to think about other things that I want... I had to sit there and really thing for awhile in order to give him answer.  For the first time in my life, I am so happy with what I have. A home for my babies, its small but its filled with love. I have my babies, a wonderful family, and great friends.  And I have time!!! Time to be with my babies!!! That to me means more than anything else.
Being laid off these past few months seriously has been an absolute blessing to me. I am so thankful that God put me here!  It has opened my eyes to so much. Yea when I was working I always said that I wanted to not have to ever work again, but it was more because I didnt want to work there, not because I wanted to be home to be a better mom for my kids.  I thought I was doing ok. This time off has opened my eyes and showed me how much better I could be.
I know eventually I will have to back to work since I am a single mom and I am the only one bringing in an income. But I think this time around, my priorities will be different this time around.

 Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Friday, September 13, 2013

Interviews and openness

I had so many different things that I wanted to write about. Of course tho, as soon as I sit down and start typing, my mind goes blank. 

I have been fighting a cold this week. With the temperatures going from 70 to 92 to 65... my body isn't handling it very well.  I felt better yesterday but today when I woke my nose is running like crazy again. Ugh. 

I had an interview yesterday. I think it went pretty good. I was told that the manager would be calling me in for an interview. I think the guy that interviewed me yesterday was impressed with me. :-)  The one thing he was unsure about was my piercings and tattoos. :-( I may have to take some out and cover others up. UGH!!  I wish people looked at your qualification more than what you look like. Its not like I am crazy looking. My piercings are small and concervative. I don't have rings and rings and rings everywhere. I am not covered in tattoos. And the ones I do have are nice, not satanic, not dark and depressing, not negative or provocative looking. They are flowers that I get so many compliments on from senior citizens to young people.  And I don't know, I might even bring more business because the people that have piercings and tattoos would not feel so judged by someone that doesn't have them!  
I was told a quote by someone the other day that said: The difference between people with tattoos and people without is that the people without tattoos don't care if you don't have tattoos.  And it is so true.  I have yet to meet someone that has a tattoo that judges someone because they are not tattooed.  So I guess we shall see how it all goes. Its in God's hands.

I have another interview today at a Nursing home for accounting. So we shall see how that goes!  again... it's in God's hands. 

These past few months off had made me really realize that I would love to be a stay at home or just work part time if i could. I love being able to get the kids to and from school. Helping with homework everyday. If they are sick, being able to stay home with them and not have to worry about pay or not have to worry about getting fired.  I love being able to make their beds after they are gone to school and get the house cleaned up. Love being able to have time to myself. Love being able to go grocery shopping and not worry about them acting crazy in the store or being at home with a sitter and I have to rush.  I want to be here for them. I have felt so out of their life for the past 11 years. I have always worked. This is the first time (other than maternity leave) that I have been able to be there for them. Been able to spend all summer with them. Been able to help them every day with homework. This is the first time in I don't know how long that I haven't felt like a failure as a mom.  I doubt I will ever be able to be a stay at home mom. I know whatever God's plan for me is good. It will work out. I am just hoping that some how being home with the kids more is a big part of the plan and not me always rushing and struggling.  I know God has a plan. 

This past week or two I have realized a precious gift that God has given me...  The gift of a gentle heart and an open mind.  The past couple weeks I have had more people come to me with their issues, problems or whatnot. People I never would have ever expected to come to me for anything like this. Never thought I would be the person that they would come to for advice or anything... from my best friend, to a stranger, to my daughters father to other ex boyfriends, male friends, friends of friends.  They all haven't been in the last week but over the past years.  But this past week with some people coming to me... its made me realize everyone in my life that has.  I am so thankful that I am able to be there for them in anyway that I can. I am happy that they trust me enough to confide in me with their issues.  A lot of people think I am crazy for it. But its who I am.  I want to help anyone. Even if you have hurt me, screwed me over, it is what it is. There was a reason at the time, and the past is the past. No point in dwelling.  
Alright now I feel like I am rambling on.   Time to get up and shower and get ready for the interview. Wish me luck! 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Fair and First day of school!

Kids riding the spinny bear ride

The goat really liked Lil man! 

maybe a little too much. haha

They look so thrilled... but they loved this ride! 

and this is what I got to wake up to... oye!!! 

We got to feed the white tiger! 

riding the pony! 

and she almost fell off her pony! 

First day of 6th grade

First day of first day! 

and yea... some how I got talked into getting a bunny at the fair. 

well the dogs seem to like the bunny at least! 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Friday, August 23, 2013

almost school time.

This is what I woke up to the other morning. UGH!! 

Thankfully- the kids cleaned it all up. lol. 

This is the last week before school starts. So we have been trying to actually have a bed time and sticking to it. Its been tough. I am not looking to that part of next week.  Both kids are starting a new school on monday. And the new school will be starting earlier. 740am... and Lil man has to be on his bus by 650!!! OYE!!! to be early mornings from now on!!  That means earlier bed times.  We can do it tho!! I am anxious, excited, nervous and idk... just feeling crazy about the new school for both of them!  I am hoping and praying that I made the right choice in sending them to this school system and that they both will prosper there. I have put it all in God's hands.  Baby girl is super excited to be going to school. That is all she has talked about for the last 2 days!!!  Also the fact that she will have a locker this year too.... so now she wants to go and get stuff to decorate her locker with! lol That was the first thing she said to me this morning, "mommy, are we going to get the stuff formy locker today??? Why can't we go to the school today so I can decorate it??" LOL.  I hope that entusiasim lasts!!!  
Alright.. i have a long list of things that I need to get done. 

Have a great weekend!!! 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Saturday laziness

I really need to get up and get the house cleaned up, shower, get to the store and get set up for the "back to school" purse, jewelry and scentsy party I am having today... but instead I am sitting here typing this out. I just have the urge to type... Have you ever had that urge?? Just to hear the keys click rapidly as you type something...anything out? I don't know why but it makes me feel better... makes me rejuvinated just a little bit. Maybe because when I was younger I would watch my mom type something out and I would watch in awe at how fast she could type. All I could do was peck really quick. lol. In high school I had the opportunity to take a typing class.. and I loved it. And now, I can type. And I love typing! I love hearing that sound, feeling the keys under my fingers, thinking a work and not putting any effort into it and boom- there is the word on the screen. Its like my fingers are my mouth and instead of speaking- my voice is readable not audible.  

Yea... I am having odd thoughts today. lol. 

I am actually feeling a bit down today. I don't really know why. I just am. :-( I have been feeling blah for the past week or so... I know eventually the feeling will pass.. but for now.... this sucks. lol.  I have faith tho. 

1 more week then the kids go back to school. I am a little worried for them. They will be going to a whole new school. All new friends. And they will be riding the bus. I am really worried for my daughter... she's never rode the bus before. I worry that she won't know her stop after school, that she won't be able to find her class room and get lost. I will be a nervous wreck those first few days that they will be learning it all for the first times. But I know that it will be a good experience for both of them... it will help them be more independent and more self assured in the long run. And I have faith in the Lord that he will be there protecting them and guiding them. 

Alright... I need to get up and get moving... tho its easier said than done... these two make it hard to move.. lol. 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

My prayer for today

Oh my Lord Father,
I feel so distant from you lately. I don't know what to do to get back close to you. I worship, I pray, I read the bible, I write in my journal, I do everything I always have done... yet I don't feel that closeness that I love.  I want to feel your love washing down over me through out my day.  Instead I feel easily distracted, easily frustrated and little patience with my kids, with friends, with family, with life.
I need you. I know you are still here. I know you still love me the same.  I know that this is just part of any relationship. There are times you feel super close and times you don't.  I still am here. I am still in love with you. That will never change.  You are the reason I am here. You are the reason why I have been able to get through life.
I love you Lord.

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Before you judge

I am on a roll here!!! Two posts in one week!!!  Craziness!!!

Something that has been on my mind lately is relationships and how easily we judge someone else's choices and decisions based on what we think we would do if we were in their shoes.

A friend of mine just found out that his girlfriend cheated on him. He was hurt. He was broken. He didn't understand why. Yet, in the back of his mind, he hoped that maybe once his girlfriend got some counseling and bettered herself that maybe they could be together again and have the life that they both had always talked about. The people in my friends life though judged this thought process. Judged how he could even think about wanting to be with someone that betrayed that trust so much.
Unless you are in the person's shoes... feel the things that they feel... How can you say that they are wrong for their choice??
I agree that giving someone a chance or even wanting to immediately after something has happened is a bit crazy and may not end up the way the person is hoping and they may end up back in the same exact place that they were beforehand.  But being on the outside looking in on someone else's life and decision with out having that emotional connection, makes it hard for us to understand that thought process.
Years ago, I had a man come into my life that from day one, everyone said was wrong for me.  The more I got to know this man, the more I fell in love with him. We started dating and eventually moved in together.  Our relationship was a roller coaster at best. I cried daily because of the fights, because of the harsh words, because of the emotional pain that this man put me thru. He wasn't able to love and especially wasn't able to love me continually the way that I needed or desired.  One minute he acted like that man that I was so in love with and the next he would push me away when I would try and love him because he didn't know how to fully love another person back. Our relationship lasted a year and a half and he immediately moved out and in with his ex wife- who he left for me.  A few months later he came back and wanted another chance. He loved me. He messed up. He needed me. He said everything I needed to hear and I accepted him back much to the disapproval of my friends and family, but I didn't care, I was in love.  This time we only lasted a few months and ended horribly. He just stopped talking to me. Would tell me he was done, wouldn't answer my calls, wouldn't respond to my text. Just ignored me. I felt like nothing at this point in my life. I struggled every day to survive. I had to make myself go to work. I had to make myself take care of my two wonderful small children... but I had no appetite... I went from 125 down to 110 in two weeks time. I barely slept. I was alive and functioning... but I wasn't really there.  Finally I made a choice after two weeks- I gave him a choice to either figure out what he wanted right then and there or we were done.   We were done.
A year later we tried again.... again to the disapproval to everyone in my life. This lasted a couple months. We never actually were "together". One minute he said he wanted me. He loved me. And the next he was scared.
A year after that we tried again. (starting to sound crazy now huh??) And the same thing happened all over again.  This time I gave him till midnight on New Years eve to make a choice. He couldn't. So I told him I was done. I was moving on.  And I did... for 2 years... and then I was so low, so depressed, so lonely that I wanted someone so bad and he said just what I wanted to hear. And I gave him another chance.... only to find out that the entire time, he had a girlfriend and was still living with her and would be for a few more months because he was "too nice"  to just kick her out.

Everyone in my life thought I was crazy. They judged me negatively for the choices I made to keep giving him chance after chance... and in the end they were right. I shouldn't have. I would have avoided a ton of heartache, but I would have also always lived with that thought of "what if". What if he really had changed?? What if he was the man that he said he was and the mad that I needed.  I still loved him.  And honestly I still do love him.  I know now that I can never go back to that. It took me 5 years of being heartbroken over and over by this man to make me realize that he is who he is. I can't change him and he will only change if he truly deeply wants it... and is ready.  That point hasn't come yet. I have put up such a big wall around my heart that I can't let him in like I had.... the sad thing is, it always keeps out other men too that could be good for me.

No one understands why I gave this man chance after chance... and really I can't explain it either.  My heart was still connected with him to some degree.

We have all made choices that weren't right. We have all made mistakes that someone else told us were wrong and judged us based on them.  We have all been an idiot at some point in our life.  So maybe the next time you see someone doing something that you say you would never do... think about what maybe they are going thru. They are not any weaker or any more stupid that you were at one point or another in your life.  We are all at different stages in our life. We all move forward and move backwards at different points in our life and make decisions that build us up or bring us down. That is all part of life.  Just try to understand how someone else may be feeling before you make a decision on who they are or why they might do something.

Blessings and Love
Overthinking Mama

Tuesday, August 6, 2013


I have been thinking a lot the last few days... well really for awhile now, off and on, about this.  How do you be a true Christian and a sinning human at the same time?

I always feel like I always fall short of being the Christian I should be. 
Whether its sex before marriage or having a few drinks with some friends.
Dancing provocatively on the dance floor of a small town bar.
Judging someone before I even really know them.
Accepting someone who is gay and befriending them.
Being friends with someone who has had an abortion.
Not constantly trying to show someone how much God loves them.
Not constantly trying to get my kids to read the bible or put them to bed with out their nightly prayers and just hoping that they do it alone. 
Even just as simple as saying a bad word here or there or listening to secular (non christian) music. 

I feel like if a "true Christian" took a look at my life- they would judge. They would look at me and laugh and tell me I am a hypocrite. I can't live life both ways. 

I am a Christian. I pray and have full conversation with the Lord. I fully trust in Him. I read my bible. I post on instagram bible verses almost daily. I go to church.  But I also sin. I knowingly sin.  So how is there a balance?? A happy middle?? 

I guess I am still trying to figure all of that out and hopefully one day I will. 
But through it all- I know one thing... My Father Lord God loves ME!!!  Even when if feels like no one else does... He loves me. 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Randomness of July

Its been awhile since I have posted. Its starting to be just a once a month thing and I really hate that.  I was hoping that since I was off work that I would have more time now to be on here putting all of my ups and downs on here.. but I swear its like I am more busy now that I am not working.. or maybe its just that I don't have as much motivation? I don't know.
That saying that a body in motion stays in motion is so true. I swear that if I am not constantly on the go... I will sit here and just veg and be lazy.  Anyone who know's me knows that is not me at all. I am always busy doing something.  I do think about getting on here at least once a day and sometimes more... I just don't have the energy or motivation to get up and go across the room to get the laptop, turn it on, get to blogger, and type. Crazy!!!!  Ugh. I will try and be better with this, but no promises.
This past month has been good. We went down to Disney with my parents. I got to spend some time with my step brother and his wife. We celebrated my brother's birthday at the zoo, which was a lot of fun. I got to spend a lot of time with friends and my family. I am really enjoying not working right now. It is really nice to be able to spend time with others, and not be rushed or worry about taking a day off of work.
I will post soon about our trip. Got a ton of pics! :-)
The kids will be going back to school at the end of the month. I am looking forward to that... but also worrying about it.  They are going to a new school.  Neither of them will know anyone.  I am going to have them ride the bus and the sad thing is they won't be able to ride together because they will be going to two different buildings and at two different times. :-(  I am really hoping that I made the right choice with switching their schools.  
I am also worrying about when I start back working... how are they going to be able to get to the bus stop? Who is going to pick them up from the bus stop?? How am I going to handle all of that.  I just have to put all of that into God's hands and let him show me to how to take care of it all.
The past couple weeks I haven't felt as close to God as I had in the last month or so. I have been slacking on going to church, reading the word, worshiping... I need to get back on that.  :-(

Alright. I need to get dressed and house cleaned up and all that before I head to the docs.  Sorry it isn't the greatest post.. and just it s mush of different random things in my head at the moment... but hey- at least its something!! lol.

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Complete Fath

Matthew 6:25-27
" That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life- whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for you heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?"

At church Sunday we were given a great message, though I really can't remember what it was all about... after something our Pastor said, my mind started wondering.  I started thinking about how this is the first time in my life that I have put my full faith in God.  100% faith in Him.  I hate to admit it... but I may always have faith... there is always a small amount of doubt that I have in the back of my head. :-( But right now... I have full faith in Him.  

For the first time in my life, I am jobless.  I am jobless and I have no job prospects.  Also, for the first time in my life, I can say I am truly happy.  Crazy right?!  I have no security right now and yet I am happier now than I was when I was working.  

I have complete faith in the Lord that everything will be ok.  Honestly tho, this is something I never really was that worried about. Not that I wouldn't ever lose my job, because I have been thinking about the fact that it would happen for at least the last 3 years. We were already downsizing and my department was doing the worst out of all of them, I had the least amount of seniority and I was the youngest person there, so it would be easier for me to move on and find something new than it would be for some of the always in the back of my mind, I knew eventually it would happen. 

My one friend would always ask me what I would do, if I got let go...  I always told him, I don't know... but it will be ok.  I always knew it would be ok. 

I am getting unemployment but it doesn't pay all the bills... but I'll figure it all out.  I don't get medical but the kids do. I don't hardly get any food assistance, but it will all work out.  God is good. I know he is using this time for something good. He is using this time to help me grow... to help make me more into the woman He wants me to be.  In the past month I can say that I have grown closer to Him than I ever have before in my life.  I am happier than I have ever been in my life also. 

I am now single and jobless... two biggest securities in my mind... and I have neither. I have nothing but God for my security and that is exactly how He wants it to be. He wants me to trust in Him. Not partly trust with a back up plan in mind, but whole, fully, and completely trust in Him to bring me thru everything. 

I know He will too. I know 100% I will get thru everything. It may not end up the way I want or think it should, but it will be ok. I will be a better person because of it. I will grown because of the path I am on. I will be closer to being the woman God wants me to be.  I am closer now than ever to knowing what and where God wants me to be.  I have full faith in Him!!! 

When my mind stopped wandering for a moment in church I heard my pastor mention Matthew 6:25-27 (read above)... I opened my bible and read its and it took my breath away. It hit home. It was perfect for me.  Amazing how God works, aint it?? 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Monday, June 24, 2013

the making of a movie

Well this past month is what they make movies out of.

I lost my job. And my boyfriend ended our relationship. Lol.

But in reality, its all good. Most days I am positive and happy.  I do have my days where I seem to focus on the negative a bit more than normal, but most days, I realize how lucky I am.
I have two wonderful kids. I have a roof over my head. I have great family that is always there for me. I have wonderful friends who always help lift me up when I feel down.

God really has been good to me even in the darkest times. I don't know where I would be with out Him in my life.

I just signed up for an online accounting class. Very excited for that.
I am going to be starting a new bible study.
I am going to go up to the college in a few weeks and start signing up for some classes.

And even tho I would really love to be able to stay home with my babies forever... financially I know that isn't a reality for us. So I have been applying for a few jobs here and there. I still don't have much motivation to do all that... but its has to be done.

We have added a new furry addition to our family- a little kitty named April.

And as soon as the munchkins get changed, we are off to the pool for some relaxation and fun!!! 

Have a great day ya'll!!!

Blessings N Love 
Overthinking Mama 

Monday, June 10, 2013

My brother

I am going to do something a little different on the blog this week. I thought bout this at 4am this morning when I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. I am going to dedicate this week to family. I am going to post different family members of mine and write something special about them. :-) Ending on Father's day.  If you have a family member you would like to honor, send me a pic and a note about them and why you are honoring them and I will post on my blog. :-) 

My brother

My brother is one of the most sweetest men that I know. God truly blessed our family with him. He is 17 years older than I am and is mentally handicapped... as my mom learns more and more about autism, she is believing that he is more autistic than anything but back  45+ years ago, they didn't have  very much info on autism, so he was just said to be "mentally handicapped".

My brother has suffered more in his almost 48 years of life that any of us could imagine. And yet, he shows no signs of hatred. No signs of anger. Just love.  We could all learn so much from him. No matter what has happened to him he's never once acted out in anger or malice.  He loves with his whole heart.

He is an inspiration to me. To be a better person. To be a better Christian. To love unconditionally.

Thank you Lord from placing me in this family and especially for giving me this wonderful man to have as a brother!!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Saturday, June 8, 2013


The last few days have been rough for me.. well really this whole week has been. I have been struggling with insecurity in my life...

I have been worrying about my lack of a job... lack of incoming funds... and with the possibility of not getting the assistance that I thought I may be able to get.

I am learning one thing about myself though... I need to keep busy. I need to always be doing something. I can't just sit around and do nothing. lol. Yesterday as I was cleaning the house, I started to feel better about my life and my situation.

Last night my handsome boyfriend took me out to dinner. My mom wonderfully watched my baby girl so we could have some time with just us.  We held hands, we laughed, we joked. It was wonderful and was just what I needed after these past 3 weeks of nonstop running around and this past week of non stop worrying.

This morning I had a great quiet time with God and he opened my mind and my heart to my faith. I know he has a plan for me. Its a magnificent plan. It may not be exactly what I think the plan should be, but His plan is even more wonderful than anything I could ever even imagine!!!

And in the midst of my struggles... God hears my prayers and has blessed me. I always sorta doubted when someone would say: "I prayed for XXX and I opened my mail box and boom, there it was" I have now seen first hand how the Lord works!!! I will not ever doubt again!!!

My heart is rejoicing!!!!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

struggling this week

I am going to try and post every day or every other day on here from now on... I want to share the ups and downs of being unemployed and now a stay at home mom until I find another job.

This week has been a struggle for me.
I feel like I have been running around crazy for the last 3 days... it seems like there is always something  that needs to be done.. All last week, I worked on cleaning the house and doing laundry. The week before I was cleaning up the outside and getting ready for the cook out that we had. This week, its been one appointment after another after another.  Yesterday I went in to file for food and medical assistance, I had to go with my mom for something for her, lil man had a orthodontist appointment and then baseball at 530 till after 9pm.  I was gone almost all day. Plus I had to find time to get the stuff together to go back to the human services office for the food and medical assistance today, get the kids teachers gifts together since today is there last day of school.  Non. Stop.

Today, I went back up to human services with everything I thought I needed, but of course I was missing a couple things. So now I have to get all that together and get it back to them.  After that I ran to baby girls end of the year party and watched the kindergarten graduation, then headed to little man's school for their end of the year party. I have about a 45 minute break right now before I have to leave to go to my depression doc appt.  Non- Stop.

Last night it all kinda caught up with me. I had a headache, wasn't feeling the greatest and was in a horrible mood. I got into it with my boyfriends thinking he was having an attitude with me... but really he wasn't. We did talk it out and things seemed to be resolved.  But this morning I asked if he was coming over tonight and he said "idk".  I went from fine to no in 0.3 seconds. That is not like me at all.
I don't know. Maybe I am just over thinking things (shocker right?). Just seems like since I have been unempoloyed things have changed. Maybe its just be because I am insecure and uncertain of whats going to happen now that I am not working. The lady today told me that I may not qualify for medical assistance because with unemployment and child support, I may make too much.. How messed up is that???!!! lol.

Tomorrow will be the first day of summer vacation for the kids.. so hopefully I will be able to get us on some kind of routine and hopefully I won't feel like I am losing my mind about everything.

I know God has a plan for me... and I really need to get back into my special quiet time with Him again.. I have slacked on that, the past few weeks with not working, and honestly even before that I was starting to slack. I need to get back to Him being my main focus again.

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Saturday, June 1, 2013

two weeks

Well it has been two weeks now that I have been unemployed... and I swear I have been more busy in the past two weeks with thing around my house than I have been in the past month!!
It seems like there is always something that needs to be cleaned... something that needs done... something that needs picked up. Always something.

We had a cook out on the 26th for Memorial Day. My boyfriend and I invited our friends and family and had a big ole cook out, a fire and some corn hole playing. It was real, y nice and a lot of fun.

So all the week before the cook out I was cleaning house.. mowing... putting down mulch.. trying to just get everything looking good for every thing... This past week, my dad had eye surgery so I had to take him for that and then also the follow up appt.

Next week, I have a doc appt, and appt with my mom, orthodontist appt for lil man, the last day of school for the kids, a end of the year party/cook out for both kids at different schools on the same day.
Another busy week... let alone, baseball and soccer in the evenings!!

More and more I realize how much I have enjoyed being able to be home and take care of things and always feeling like I am missing out on something with the kids.

It has been on my heart heavy the last couple weeks and even really before that, that I would love to be able to be a stay at home mom... financially I don't know if or how it would be possible. But I am going to pray on it and listen to the Lord speak to me on it.  Even if I could only work part time or something I would be happy with that...I just hate always feeling like I am missing out of so much of my kids lives... always feeling like someone else is raising my kids. I want to have a closer relationship with both of my kids. I want them to always feel like they can come to me with anything and that I am always there for them... not that I am too busy or too tired because of work and everything else. I want to be able to be there when they get home from school and be able to help them with their homework, or personal problems that they may be having.  I just want to be able to be there more for them.

I really need to figure things out... financially... emotionally... and spiritually. I need to meditate on it and put it all in God's hands and see what he has planned for me.

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Thursday, May 23, 2013

New Season of Life

Well.. I am on to a new season of my life.

As of last Friday I am unemployed... the first time I have been unemployed since I was like 15/16 years old!! After working for the same company for the past 9 years... its definetely a change.

So... for now.. I am just taking life a day at a time... Letting God have complete control of my future. Letting Him guide me to the next part of my life.... and I am super excited to see where it goes and what He has in store.

Baseball and Soccer season has started. So life has been filled with that... at least the evenings and the weekends. lol.  Its so fun watching the kids out there having fun and kicking butt. :-)

My boyfriend and I are having a cook out for memorial day on Sunday... so I have been trying to get the yard and the house looking presentable for that... thank goodness its cooled down today... its been so hot the last few days that I had hardly any energy to get anything done... which really sucked. :-( but today I plan on getting a ton done.

Alright.. off to get the chores done for the day!!!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's day to all the wonderful mom's out there.... and also to all of the father's out there that have the role of both mom and dad.

I hope ya'll feel as blessed as I do on this day today!!!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Monday, May 6, 2013


We had an absolutely amazing weekend!! We celebrated lil mans bday on Friday night with a sleep over with a couple of his friends.   It was a fun night!  We had a cook out and tons of snacks for them. We had a fire and smores. 

They jumped/wrestled on the trampoline. Played xbox,. Wrestled in the house. And surprisingly didn't make as big of a mess as I expected. :-)
Tho my son's room is absolutely trashed! haha.  In the morning I made them bacon, eggs, toast, pancakes, and french toast.

After that we went up to the park and played for a bit until the one kid's mom came to pick him up. The other kid ended up staying another night. :-) 

Saturday night my boyfriend Brett cooked us spaghetti for dinner and then we loaded up his van with pillows and blankets and headed off to the drive in movie theater to watch Iron Man 3 and Oz.  Which we only end up watching Iron Man 3.. or I should say baby girl and myself only ended up watching the movie cuz all the boys were out cold!!  So after the first movie we packed back up and headed home again.  

Sunday we went to church and then afterwards Brett invited his buddy over for a cook out.  His buddy ended up cooking for us! :-)  It was nice to have company and just sit back and relax some! After dinner we took the kids to the park and I ended up meeting most of Bretts family.  
We came home and Brett cleaned my house for me!!!  I got a load of laundry into the washer, packed lunches and got baby girl tucked into bed for the night.  Lil man stayed up playing xbox and then brett went and played with him for a bit!  I seriously was in awe!! 

But now its back to reality. 
Hope ya'll have a great Monday and a great week!!!  I know mine is jammed packed, between baseball, getting things for the roof of my garage to be repaired, finish up birthday shopping, and taking lil man out to get his baseball pants, cleats, and socks, AND  celebrating Lil Man's birthday at some point... lol.  Fun Filled day!!!  :-) 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Friday, May 3, 2013

Realization Friday

Its been way too long!!!

I have like 3 different posts started and stuck in draft. UGH. I would say maybe this weekend I will finally sit down and finish them up... but yea.. who am I kidding. I doubt I will have any free time and if I do, Ill be wanting to nap!!!

But anyway... I figured I can at least start- and finish a realization friday post... since its been forever since I've posted and even longer since I've done a realization post. :-)

I have come to realize that:

~ I am addicted to caramels!

~ God has finally brought an absolutely amazing man into my life.

~ I can not stop picking my fingers!! ugh.

~ I feel so blessed!!!

~ I have two absolutely wonderful kids!

~ I have no idea what I would do with out my mom and my stepdad in my life.

~ I had no idea that my neighbor was as awesome as he's shown he is.

~ Sometimes when it feels like relationships are changing that maybe its time to take a step back for a minute and re-evaluate things.

~ I have become very forgetful lately.

~ This is going to be an insane weekend.

I hope everyone has an amazing weekend!!!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Monday, April 1, 2013

Repost from 2010.

I was reading through some notes that I had posted on Facebook... and this was one of them.  I believe I had posted this on here too.  Anyway, wanted to repost it  because it spoke to me and I knew I needed to repost for something.. for someone. :-)  

As I was in the shower tonite... I decided it was time I wrote this post...
I was emotionally abused in a past relationship.

What is emotional abuse?

From: Steve Hein

What is Emotional Abuse? 
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.
Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.
Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.
google_protectAndRun("ads_core.google_render_ad", google_handleError, google_render_ad);
Types of Emotional Abuse
Abusive Expectations
The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.
Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised and "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as 
learned helplessness.Constant Chaos
The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.
The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement.
Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples)
The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.
The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."
When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.
Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.
Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.
Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it.
When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.
Emotional Blackmail
The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want.
This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you.
The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient's perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say "You are too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you." Here is a much more complete description of invalidation
Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted.
Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.
Unpredictable Responses
Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.
This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.
An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.
Verbal Assaults 
Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening
Excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.
Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.

A man I was completely in love with did this too me.. I didnt even know what it was.. or that there was even a such thing as emotional abuse... and honestly if someone would have told me about it... I wouldnt think too much of it and say... "oh I would never let it happen to me"... but it did... and I didnt even realize it all that much till it was all over and done with... and the sad thing is... I still love this man... 

Now I am not saying he is all bad or anything like.. and I dont completely put the blame on him... I believe a lot of how you act as an adult is how you were raised as a child. This man didn't have the best situation growing up... He wasnt raised by either parent and never see a "happy marriage" and how a relationship works. He was raised by an aunt who was single and never dated. He didnt see how a man was to treat a woman... but.. he is also not completely innocent in the whole ordeal... He is still a grown man and can see how his actions can cause hurt and pain.. and he still does them time after time... 
I am not writing this to get sympathy or anything like that.. I am writing this for a couple of reasons... one to help me with my healing proces.... I still have a lot of scars that havent healed and they are still reopened from time to time and I still deal with the pain of all of it.. Two, just so that my story is out there.. maybe someone else is dealing with it and doesnt even realize what is going on.. or knows someone... or even is the person that is doing this to someone else and doesnt even realize that what they are doing is hurtful and abusive... 

I met this man years ago... and he came into my life exactly when I needed him too.. but I have learned that God seems to work like that... I fell in love with this man... whole heart and all... I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man... and of course he told me the same thing... eventually we moved in together... and as I look back... things just kinda went down hill from there... now dont get me wrong.. there was a lot of wonderful times with this man... and I think that is why I delt with it all as well as I did. 

The first thing about this man ... he was possessive... and at the time I didnt realize it... (there are a lot of things that I didnt realize at the time). after me and him started dating... I pretty much stopped talking to most of my friends and a lot of my family... the few family memebers I did still talk with... he always thought I was going to leave him because of what they might tell me... He always thought I was going to cheat on him, find someone better than him, or leave him for whatever other reason... I would get calls/text/emails all day long while we both were at work asking me if I was going to do any of those things.... I of course constantly told him no and tried to reassure him... I understood why he might have some of those thougts because i did cheat on my husband before i met him.... but I was bound and determined NOT to be that person I would not do that again... so in order to prove to him this... I stopped talking and hanging out with most of the people in my life... 
The rare times that I see my friends... he gave me the 3rd degree to find out what we did, what was said, etc... and the entire time I would be gone, he would be texting me something... 

another thing was that he didnt like to make love to me... becuase of this.. I was always thinking that there was something wrong with me... he didnt find me attractive... he didnt love me... i wasnt good enough... making love to me is more than just the sex... its about the connection.. its about becoming one person... its about having a intimate way to express the love and devotion you have for another person.. so if i had to practically beg for him to make love to me.... it made me feel less of a person. but also.. when we did finally make love... it was so incredible. I would just feel so much love that I would forget about having to beg him... it made me feel like it was worth me feeling like nothing just for that moment of "oneness and love" with him.. 

He wasnt a lovey touchy feely type person... at least not as much as I wanted him to be. I am. When I am in love with someone I am constantly wanting to show them, express to them, how I feel... if its a hug, a kiss, holding their hands, a look, anything to remind them I love them... When I would try and do this to him... He would push me away... turn his head... or something... now it wasnt all the time... but it was often enuf that it hurt... 
Then theres the guilt... The guilt that he didnt have the freinds i did. The guilt of my past.. the guilt of the people in my life (coworkers, family etc) The guilt that I might one day leave him and find someone better. The guilt that I had a life before him... That I shoulnt have ever slept with anyone else.. the guilt that I shouldnt have drank and partied... the guilt that I want to still have part of the life that I had before him... as in going out with my friends and having a good time... 

Now again dont get me wrong... he wasnt like this all the time... we had our wonderful moments where he would suprise me with little gifts, or emails or text messages saying how much he loved me and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me... 
And I think that is the part I am still stuck on at time.... the part that makes me still love him... 
The part of him that is the man I want him to be... but in reality... its not... 
I think that is part of the whole emotional abuse.... its the times that a person shows you that they love you unconditionally.. and maybe in their hearts they love you as much as they can... but then the "bomb" is released and your heart, your emotions, and your self esteem are slowly destroyed... but its the love, the "im sorrys" , they u r the only person I want to be with, that makes you love that person so much that you cant see or choose not to see all the warning signs and makes you want to be with that person regardless...

Because of those lows... It makes the Highs... so much more than you feel in a "normal" relationship with any other person... I believe the longer the emotional abuse goes on... the harder it is to have a long lasting normal relationship.. because you compare the highs in the normal relationship to the HIGHS in the abusive one... and it dont compare because you don't have those same lows to go along with it...