Saturday, April 23, 2016

Needing help

This past couple weeks have been a big struggle for me.  I have come to realize that I need help and the help is in the form of medication.  I don't want to admit it. I don't want to think that I may need to be on meds the rest of my life, but I might. 

The last couple months have been hard and the last week has been hell to say the least.  If something was to go wrong this week, it did.  

Dealing with negative situation, negative people, and feeling very overwhelmed pushed me to my limits.  

It pushed me to call my doctor and beg for a refill on my anti-depressant. And yes I had to beg. lol.  I had been getting it from my ob/gyn, I was out of refill and had been waiting to get into my family doctor and can't get in with her till June. (New patients have to wait forever).  When I called my OB/GYN, I was told that she can't refill it because I am not longer considered postpartum (10 months after I have a baby) and I need to wait till I am seen by my family doctor. I explained that I can't get in to her till June and so that mean I am going to have to suffer till then. The secretary was understanding but said that there was nothing she could do and she was really sorry.  I all but broke down on the phone.  I called my family doc and tried to get a sooner appointment, dealt with a not so nice woman about who pretty much told be that I need to just keep my appointment where it is because I am new and its not an emergency.  I was so upset.  God was with me though, He was looking over me and placed it on the heart of my ob/gyn and she sent in a refill to last me till I am able to see my family doc.  

I hate admitting that I am weak. I hate admitting that I need to be on the anti-depressant. I am afraid that some day it will be used against me some how that I need meds.   

This is not my fault. This is not my choosing. I am not wanting, choosing or deciding to be depressed. It is not because of one  thing or another that happens in my life... it is an imbalance chemically in me.  The things in my life that go wrong trigger it and to someone on the outside it may look like a small thing, but to me it seems like a mountain.  

I see that things are small but no matter how hard I try, with out the meds, I can't control my reaction. It feels like a mountain in front of me. 

I have never been like this before. I have always struggled with depression but with out meds, I could handle it. Now, its seems like I am in a dark room and I can't get out.  I hope that one day I will be able to get to where I don't need the meds again, and I don't know why right now is different, if it is because I am still dealing with postpartum depression, if I have an imbalance because of having two babies back to back or what it is... but right now, I need the help. 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama