Wednesday, August 26, 2009

past issues

i have come to realize over this past weekend quite a few different things... One of the main things that I really learned... is that I am still dealing with a lot of anger, hurt, pain, distrust, sadness... plainly stating.. I HAVE A LOT OF ISSUES left over from a previous relationship. I thought I was thru most of them.. I thought that the negativity and the issues were over and done with.... but now that I am in a NEW relationship with a great guy... I realize... Im not.... and I am lucky that he is a GREAT guy and that I can talk to him about how I feel... and I think he understands. This past week was bad week for me. A few things went bad so that added stress on top of things that were already stressful. And my son started school and for somereason ... Him starting school always brings me down some. :-( On Friday, I got news that my ex was talking junk about me... that really messed with my mind... Its not that I want to be with him or anything like that... but I worked my butt off in that relationship only to be treated like crap. I beg him to see his daughter, to contact her, something.... and he hasn't... and to find out that he's going around saying that I WONT let him see her... is like a kick in the chest... It really hurts... And it shouldn't because I was expecting that. I knew he would talk crap. I knew he would tell anyone else that I wouldn't let him see his daughter for whatever reason.. cuz he told me the same things about his baby mama's when I first met it... I guess I was hoping that I would be different... but I wasn't... lol. So I already had a heavy heart... and that on top of it..brought me down even more... the devil was winning that battle... And my boyfriend did a couple things, that my ex had done... I am not going into details about what it was.. but overall it wasn't a huge thing... but it was enuf that it made me sad and made me get down... and it brought back all of those memories from when me and my ex were together and how I felt... and I took it out on my boyfriend. I got upset with him over what he did way more than I should have.. I was lashing out at him for a past hurt that I still have lingering in my heart... But the great thing about him.. he sat down and talked with me... and I could open up to him about how I feel.. This whole past weekend made me realize about how I still hurt... and how I am basing my boyfriend on my past hurts... its hard not to do that. How do you get over past hurt? How do you move on completely? How do you not base a current relationship on past ones? My one friend suggested that I sit down and write a letter to my ex... about how I feel, how i hurt, how much anger I have...everything... and then burn it... and it will help... I need to do that. Maybe that will help.

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