Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Being Left

I realized a couple nights ago that I have a fear of being left. I would like to say I can blame that on my daugthers father since he is the one man that did the most damage to me emotionally and mentally. But sadly it was soemthing that I feared long before he came into the picture. I remember a guy I was dating quite a few years ago. A great guy, treated me good, loved me to the best of his ability but whenever we went anyway, if he drove, I had this fear that he would just leave me at wherever it was we were. He had never done this before, nor even acted or threatened that he would. Yet, It was a fear of mine.
Then the other night while I was in the shower, my boyfriend was over and that same fear came back. That he was gonna leave. This time my fear wasnt that I was going to be stranded somewhere, it was just he was going to leave me, that I would get out of the shower and he would be gone. He's never done this nor acted/threatened like he would. Yet, as I showered I half expected him to be gone when I got out.
Now me being the over thinker that I am, I started trying to rationalize this fear. and the only thing that I could even think of was my father. Now my father never abandoned me, my father never negleted me. But him and my mother did divorse when I was 7 or 8 years old. He moved out. He left me. I never knew till that moment last night that it effected me at all. I seen my father every other weekend and talked to him almost nightly on the phone. He was still in my life. But he still had left.
The other explaination that I had for this was that the Lord is preparing my heart and my mind to help with my duaghter. She is goign to be 3 in a month. Her father is barely in her life. In the last 4 months he's seen her 2x and one of the times was for 5 min. She is going to grow up with issues because of it. She is going to feel left or abandoned by her father and maybe even feel that its her fault or that she is less than perfect and thats why her father didnt want anything to do with her. It is the same with his other 3 daughters. None of them see their father. And I know at least one of his beautiful children wonders why, and to a point blames herself. Asks me why does my daddy hate me? Why doesnt he love me. I try and help and comfort her as much as I possibly can, but I do not understand it either. I do not understand how a man can leave and forget about something that he helped create.
I just pray that maybe one day he will wake up and realize his failure as a father before its too late.
I know God has me in the situation that I am in, that He has me feel the things I do, so I can better understand others and be there to help others thru any type of issues that they may be. I know that I over think and over analyze everything that happens in my life so that why I have a clearer picture on life and on Him.

1 comment:

  1. It's so sad for your daughter that she has to wonder that, and certainly a challenge for you to fill the void that her father has created in her life. Sounds like you do as well as you can with it. :-)


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