the hamster wheel.

I don’t even know where to start. I have been wanting to write for the last 3 days… but as soon as I get the computer out, I lose all motivation.

I woke up Sunday morning just completely depressed. It took all I had not to cry.   I made it to church and I am so glad that I did. I needed that. I ended up seeing one of my favorite pastors there and spoke with her for a brief second and she told me to come in and talk with her asap. So I know it was God that brought me to church and God that had me see her especially because she wasn’t even supposed to be there that day!

Monday, my daughter woke up with a 101 temperature and a headache. So I stayed home from work with her. Figured that I would be able to get so much done around the house… but nope, ended up laying in bed with her most of the day. She wanted me close.

Tuesday was the same.  L  I woke up in a seriously horrible mood. I couldn’t control the tears this time was just utterly frustrated. I had a 930 conference with my son’s school and his father… and I had no one to watch my daughter.. finally I got ahold of my dad and was able to take her over there. I just felt so helpless.  Had a pretty good conference with the school, so I am really hoping that things will be better till the end of the year.

Today she still has a temperature of 103 and I have to go to work.  I have a call into the doc to see if we can get in today… but haven’t heard anything back yet.  UGH. She is with my step dad today, so I am very thankful for that!!

I finally got a hold of baby girls father today and ggrrr. I wanted to reach through the phone and smack him. I told him she was still sick and said it would really be nice if he could take a day off work to be with his daughter. And he said he can’t afford it. Hhhmmm.. but apparently I can. I seriously wouldn’t be too upset if I never had to speak or think of that man ever again in my life.

I don’t know.  I am just so depressed lately.  I have no motivation. I feel like other than my kids…I feel like my life is pointless.  I live day to day.. just in blah. Going through the motions of every day life but really don’t feel like I am going anywhere.. just spinning around on the hamster wheel.  There are moments here and there where I feel like I might be able to get off this wheel… and then I stick my head out and bonk I am back into reality and realize I am stuck here… and I don’t know how to get off. I don’t know how to change anything.  I dread getting up everyday. I dread going to work. I dread going home.  When the phone rings I dread who’s calling.  I am just frustrated at everything in my life right now and I don’t know how to change it.  I have no motivation.  I almost don’t care anymore. I have no goals. I have no desires.

I know God has a plan for my life… I can feel it. I know I have a purpose… I just can’t figure out what any of it is. 

I think for the next few weeks I am going to be backing away from people and focusing on me… try to figure out my place…who I am and where I need to go.  I need to pray. And even more so, I need to listen for God’s word in my heart, so I know where to go and who I am with HIM.

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

depression and new years. they both suck

Depression.

Maybe from my previous post thru out the past year or two you have come to know that I fight with depression.   

It’s been pretty good the last few months… Haven’t been too depressed. Ill have a day here or there where I feel down… but that’s about it and it’s normally because I haven’t got enough sleep from the night before.

Well this week, I am feeling depressed. And it’s strong. I don’t know if it’s because I am tired or if I am tired because of the depression… but I feel exhausted.   

One thing that I hate about being depressed is that I rarely know why.  I’m not depressed because I am alone/single. I am not depressed because it’s the holidays and I have recently or ever lost a loved one.

I mean when I am depressed I end up disliking where I am in life. That I haven’t’ accomplished more, that I am still not married, that I am still struggling with bills, kids, life.  That I am not as secure financially, mentally, spiritually, physically as I see other people. But I don’t think that’s the reason I am depressed, because the day before I was content with what I have… I think it just kinda adds fuel to the fire. L

I don’t really know what triggers it. One day I can be completely fine and then the next, I wake up and I just don’t want to face no one. I want to stay in bed.  There has even been days – like yesterday- where I am fine all day then *boom* , I am depressed.

This week I am blaming it on New Years. I really dislike New Years.  I am not completely sure why… it’s started when I was younger… I say it’s because I really haven’t ever had a GREAT new years… I mean I’ve had good ones… but nothing ever consistent…ill have ONE good year… then a bunch of sucky.  It really stinks… 

This week my BF had to go home too because he started back to work yesterday. So I think that is also apart of my depression. And my house is tore up still from Christmas!! UGH! I HATE a tore up house. 

I am actually feeling a little bit better as I write this and also I went to the bathroom and as I was in there, I felt the Lord.  It was like he gave me a hug and said He’s here for me. Everything will be ok.  I love that!! J

God Bless

Overthinking Mama

a depressed state of mind

i have been dealing with depression for most of my life... well at least since i was 15. 


I dont really know the cause of it all the time... cept i guess that i am unhappy. lol. imagine that.  
well i am in a depressed state of mind right now. 
i feel like crying over nothing... i have no energy.. no motivation.. nothing. i dont want to deal with anyone or anything...  and really i dont want to even be writing this right now.. but I am kinda hoping that maybe it will help me get out of this state.   


I think part of my issue right now... is this isnt how I expected my life to turn out...
By now in my life.. i wanted to be settled down.. married... working only part time if at all.. to be successful at some part of my life...  and i guess i am as a mom.. tho someday i really feel like i am just a failure in that area. i didnt go to college... i have a decent job.. that i am grateful to have.. tho i dread coming in half the time.   I didnt expect to be struggling.. or at least not struggling alone... i think thats another part of it... I want a husband.  I want someone there with me to fall back on.  And dont get me wrong.. my BF is great... but we've only been dating a few months... we dont live together... we aint married...  its not his responsibility to take care of me or my house or anything like that... tho he does more than he should or any man ever has. 


I feel like there is something that I am missing... I feel so strongly that God has this plan for me... something great that I am supposed to do... I am supposed to effect people... to help them in someway or another... but I dont know how... or what... or how to figure it out.  I need to pray on that...and pray hard.  
I feel like this isnt the life I am supposed to have...  like I am destined for so much more...  I dont know how to explain this feeling...  I think maybe that is part of the reason why I am always feeling like I need to change something... my decor... my furniture.. my hair... my clothes... etc... that maybe if I keep changing things... I will figure out "me"  and maybe that is also part of my depression... I am still trying to figure out "me" 


another thing that added on to this depressed state of mind... is the fact that my dad was in the hospital (supposed to come home today) he got worse on Thursday and Friday... was very lethargic, was out of it, didnt remember nothing, was slurring his words... just not my dad.  My step-mom being a great woman... got answers... got things done... and got tests done... his CO2 was high.  He coulda died if they had sent him home when they originally wanted and if my stepmom didnt step up and say something.  
The last time he was int he hospital I wasnt sure if he was going to make it or not either...  it makes me stop and think about if he wasnt in my life... or my mom... how it would effect me. I know I would survive.. I know my faith would get me thru it all... but what I dont know is how it would effect me emotionally... there would be a whole in my heart without my parents there...  I know this is something that is inevitable. They will not be here forever and it is something I will eventually have to deal with.  I guess I am just not ready yet... but then I am not sure you are ever really ready to lose someone that is close to you. 


See thats where my thoughts have been going lately... down a dark dreary hallway.   
Well now I have to go wipe my eyes so my coworkers dont see tears run down my face... and then its off to get my baby boy and go look at flooring!  


Happy Monday. 

Merry Christmas

Well its 10pm on Christmas eve and I am sitting here on the computer instead of trying to go to sleep. I know tomorrow will be another long day...

Today was a wonderful day. I was very blessed that I was able to get off work early and able to go and spend the day with my Dad and Stepmom and Step-Step Grandma and brother and of course my kids... then i got to spend the evening with my mom, my stepdad and my brother and my daughter... ( my son was with his father already).

When I was on my way to the restaurant to meet my mom and stepdad.. I was thinking about how wonderful this holiday... How wonderful it is that God cared enough about us to send us his son to save us... to give us hope. And it made me think about all the people out there that think this holiday means nothing... or that its just about santa and getting gifts and food and all the commercialization that has become of Christmas... We dont even say Merry Christmas anymore... its Happy Holidays... its not longer Christmas break.. its winter break... We as humans keep trying to "make everyone happy" and lose the whole Christmas spirit... yet.. if t wasnt for the birth of our Lord SAVIOR Jesus Christ... would there be a holiday to celebrate? or would the 25th of December just be another day that we happen to get together as a family?
why cant we keep Christ in this holiday with out worrying if we offend anyone?? yet dont believe it to be offensive to anyone if we say "Happy Holidays" . Personally, I dont find that offensive... but I am sure that there is somone out there that does... would you care enough to not say it to them?? And at what point will it become that we cant wish anyone any type of holiday greeting with out offending them?? and at what point will we be wrong for celebrating Jesus in any fashion?? is that really what this planet is going to come to??

on a selfish note.... after I came home from all the busyness of today... i started having my own selfish feelings rise up in me... the devil got ahold of my emotions... and brought me down... turned my thoughts over to the fact that I once again am "alone" on Christmas eve... I am still not married... this will be my 3rd Christmas spending it "alone" with my children... neither of their fathers here with us to celebrate... No man here to help me with gifts... or even just to snuggle up on the couch watching a movie waiting for the little ones to go to sleep so we could bring out the "santa gifts" ... Instead I have to do it all by myself...
But I need to realighn my focus... focus on the fact that I am not what this time of year is about... My own selfish wants and needs are not important... God has already blessed me with 2 wonderful lil children that love me and i love them even more... that God has blessed me in more ways than I will ever deserve... and that He has a man out there planned for me... He is still moulding me and that man to be perfect for each other... I know that God has a plan for me and right now that plan is for me to be single... to focus on Him, my walk with him, on my kids and to keep my eyes, my ears and my heart open up to the Him... I need to focus on HIM. period. and that is what this time of year is for...
Tomorrow is not just another holiday in the year... Its not just another birthday of someone whos been long dead and forgotten... Tomorrow is the start of a life... and because of that life... we have hope... we. have. hope... we have a savior... we can be forgiven.