Wednesday, September 16, 2009

sex... gggrr

I apparently have an above average sexual appetite... (mom if you decide to read this.. you may want to stop now)...Now this doesn't mean I am a whore and will sleep with whomever to getoff... but when I am in a relationship... I do want sex.. more than I should.. like everyday... 2x a day sometimes... and unless Im puking, Im in the mood.
Well my ex... was the complete opposite... he/we would go week with out having sex.. and it drove me nuts! He would get worried about somethng... and wouldnt ever be in the mood. :-(
There were nights I literally begged, I initiated only for him to say no and turn around, or for him not even to touch me when we went to be because he knew I wanted to make love to him... This seriously effected me.. and I am learning, it still does to this day.
I feel like nothing. I felt ugly and fat. I felt like he wasnt attracted to me, that he was cheating on me or wanted to cheat on me. I felt like he didnt want to be with me, that there was something wrong with me, that I wasnt good enough, that I was just WRONG. This went on for longer than I even want to recall... and till this day, even thinking about it leaves a hole in my stomach and brings tears to my eyes.
Well a new man in my life is not into sex as much as I am either. We have had many convos about this... and there has been times he's turned me down... it hurt but at least he explained it to me... but then there are other times that he has said that if I initiate anything... he will be willing... that was the key I thought... Well I realized the other night.. NOPE. I initiated intimacy between us... and nothing.. this time he didnt even explain... he just laid there... didnt bother saying, I dont feel like it tonite hun so dont bother... Im not in the mood... nothing... so I got up, hurt but not wanting him really to know how I was feeling and left the room... When I got back, I laid down and tryed to just go to sleep and ignore him... then he was like: are you mad at me? I told him no, im not mad. Which I wasnt. I was hurt. He was just like. sorry im not in the mood. Just short. So then Im like are you pissed at me? He was like no. Hm.
I guess he dont get it...
I wasn't hurt at him so much. I was just hurt at the whole situation. It brought back so many memories... hurtful memories. Painful memories... memories that even now,as I write this, bring tears to my eyes. It brought back all of those same feelings. That same emptyness.
I guess I shouldn't have assumed because earlier in the day he acted like he wanted to have sex with me... I guess I shouldnt have assumed because it had been a few days since we had sex let alone seen each other that I thought we would be having sex...
but I am not sure if I will be able to initiate the intimacy anymore... I dont want to feel that let down, that sadness, that self doubt... and I am sure he wont understand.

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