Monday, May 3, 2010

a depressed state of mind

i have been dealing with depression for most of my life... well at least since i was 15. 

I dont really know the cause of it all the time... cept i guess that i am unhappy. lol. imagine that.  
well i am in a depressed state of mind right now. 
i feel like crying over nothing... i have no energy.. no motivation.. nothing. i dont want to deal with anyone or anything...  and really i dont want to even be writing this right now.. but I am kinda hoping that maybe it will help me get out of this state.   

I think part of my issue right now... is this isnt how I expected my life to turn out...
By now in my life.. i wanted to be settled down.. married... working only part time if at all.. to be successful at some part of my life...  and i guess i am as a mom.. tho someday i really feel like i am just a failure in that area. i didnt go to college... i have a decent job.. that i am grateful to have.. tho i dread coming in half the time.   I didnt expect to be struggling.. or at least not struggling alone... i think thats another part of it... I want a husband.  I want someone there with me to fall back on.  And dont get me wrong.. my BF is great... but we've only been dating a few months... we dont live together... we aint married...  its not his responsibility to take care of me or my house or anything like that... tho he does more than he should or any man ever has. 

I feel like there is something that I am missing... I feel so strongly that God has this plan for me... something great that I am supposed to do... I am supposed to effect people... to help them in someway or another... but I dont know how... or what... or how to figure it out.  I need to pray on that...and pray hard.  
I feel like this isnt the life I am supposed to have...  like I am destined for so much more...  I dont know how to explain this feeling...  I think maybe that is part of the reason why I am always feeling like I need to change something... my decor... my furniture.. my hair... my clothes... etc... that maybe if I keep changing things... I will figure out "me"  and maybe that is also part of my depression... I am still trying to figure out "me" 

another thing that added on to this depressed state of mind... is the fact that my dad was in the hospital (supposed to come home today) he got worse on Thursday and Friday... was very lethargic, was out of it, didnt remember nothing, was slurring his words... just not my dad.  My step-mom being a great woman... got answers... got things done... and got tests done... his CO2 was high.  He coulda died if they had sent him home when they originally wanted and if my stepmom didnt step up and say something.  
The last time he was int he hospital I wasnt sure if he was going to make it or not either...  it makes me stop and think about if he wasnt in my life... or my mom... how it would effect me. I know I would survive.. I know my faith would get me thru it all... but what I dont know is how it would effect me emotionally... there would be a whole in my heart without my parents there...  I know this is something that is inevitable. They will not be here forever and it is something I will eventually have to deal with.  I guess I am just not ready yet... but then I am not sure you are ever really ready to lose someone that is close to you. 

See thats where my thoughts have been going lately... down a dark dreary hallway.   
Well now I have to go wipe my eyes so my coworkers dont see tears run down my face... and then its off to get my baby boy and go look at flooring!  

Happy Monday.