Thursday, May 20, 2010

A lil about this...Girl... Thursday.. (maybe a new segment??)

Well I have thought about doing this for the last few days... and I have decided to go ahead with it. :-) 

Since I have so many new followers to my still very young blog (ive only been overthinking mama for 12 weeks!!!)... I thought I would do a lil post so everyone can get to know me more.. withoout having to re-read all of my posts over the last 2 year (perviously on other blogs that I have now deleted).  

Well lets see where to start... hhmm... 

First of all.. I think way too too too much... I have litterally made myself sick at times from thinking too much.. and I have anxiety issues.. go firgure!? lol. 

I married my high school sweet heart after 8years of dating, having a kid together and buying a house. Yeah. we did it all ass backwards.  The marriage lasted a whole 4 months (well techniqually it lasted a lil over a year till the divorse was final).  I don't know who was to blame.. I used to blame him for it all.. Not doing enough around the house... not watching our son enough... not working enough overtime... not.. not.. not.. you get the picture... but in reality... I don't think I was really ready to be married.. I was 22/23 years old... I wanted party. I wanted to live somewhat.  And I wasn't happy and I wasn't willing to make it work.  I wanted the fairy tale... but I wanted the single life. I couldn't have both.  

Fast forward... right as my divorse was final I met my daughters father T.  He was exactly what I needed at that time.  I was going out drinking, partying, and plain just having a great time 3-4 x a week... while my mom babysat for me.  I met him one night while I was out with my friend and her boyfriend. T was my friends-boyfriends-best friend.  We all started hanging out together. She thought it was great that T had someone to hang out with so it was just her, her boyfriend, and his friend... T was married tho.  I wasnt looking for anyone.. so whatever.  But over the next month or two.. T and I got closer and closer and somewhere I feel deeply in love with him. (Not part of my plan!!)  My divorse finalized in NOV. by Feb I bought a house and me and T moved in... oh yea.. i was prego too...  But I finally settled down... I didnt go out anymore... I didnt hardly drink anymore...  T didnt like me to drink... T was afraid I would cheat on him.. T was afraid my family ( who hated him for many various reasons) would convince me to break up with him...  T was afraid I would leave him for an ex... T was insecure...  So I did everything I could to help T with this... I stopped talking to a lot of my friends like I used to...esp my guy friends.  I didnt go out anymore. I was home with him just about every night.. the only thing I wouldnt give up was my family... and we faught and faught and faught ofver that...  And my family and I faught and faught and faught over him.   Needless to say... our relationship wasnt the greatest... but I was totally in love with him...  unlike anyone else.  come July he lost his job. Nov (1year after my divorse) my daughter is born. April he got a job. May we split.  For 3 years now.. off and on we have tried to work it out...  3 friggin years!  I have dated other people.. so has he..  He would tell me how much he loved me... How he's willing to do what it takes to make it work... He would tell me he wanted to be with me... and then Id say ok... lets try it... then boom... he cant. he's scared.  Well hun.. sorry I was petrified each and everytime... because of you... I have felt like I am nothing... because of you I became a crazy b*tch and took my kids out at 3am to drive past your hosue when you wont answer my calls when you say you want to be with me...  because of you I doubt myself and everyone else that I have been with since you... because of you I have issues.. because of you I found God... because of you I have a higher standard to what a man should be.  The funny part is...  I dont hate him...  I wish I could sometimes... but I dont... theres so much to write about that whole situation.. and one day I will.. but not today... 

So anyway... after a bout a year after T there was P. We met online at a dating site a friend reccommened. P was a great guy for the most part.  We instantly clicked the first night we met. And were pretty much inseperable since.. We only dated for maybe 4 months.. Like I said, because of T I had a higher standard.  After the first month or so... I started to realize... see his issues... First off.. he lied to me from day one ( I really despise liars) He told me he didnt smoke... but found out he did.  Ok.. I guess I understood that one.. didnt like it.. but understood... then came the meds he was on... suboxone... I looked it up online... its a medicine to help with people that are addicted to heroine. NICE right?!  So yea... I asked P on this... and he tells me.. its for depression.. His doc. gave it to him for depression.. um.. no ... only a  drug treatment licenced doc can write a script for this med...  I wasn't stupid.. but he never admited to such and it was always about depression. Whatever. Then the drinking... He started having to drink every. single. night.  That got old quick.  And I told him how I felt... I don't think you should get drunk every single night.. a drink or two.. fine.. but not get drunk... He said ok.. it lasted maybe a week...  Then he started drinking more... and sleep walking...  and randomly peeing in my house...  and had the audacity to get pissed off at me when I woke him up and told him what was going on...  we split.. and got back together... and he said he wouldnt drink...  and didnt. But then my female 6th sence kicked in.  And Ive come to realize.. He was probably cheating on me.  He had condoms in his back pack.. (not the same we used)... He wouldnt talk to me all day at work like he used to.. (we always text back and forth) but he would talk to this other chica the whole day (via text message)... That was the last straw... I ended it. (they are together now... ironic huh?) One thing tho I did get out of this relationship... I found my church thru him. :-) 

A little over a year after that I started dating my bff...  He was a great guy. But I never felt like I was important.. I mean I knew I was... but I always felt his friends came before me... and I mean if it were a new relationship.. I could understand better... but I had been his best friend for 2 years before this... yet he'd blow me off to go hang out with his buddies.. it got old... but we talked about it.. We didnt argue.. We didn't fight.. WE TALKED.   We lasted about 5months and I just felt like we were at different points in our life... wanted different things... I want to settle down...  He said he did.. but really didnt feel like he did.  So we ended it... and are still best friends (i am really happy for that too) 

And after my bff... T wanted back with me again...  I said ok... but I wanted us to go to counseling... He said ok.. He would do anything. I talked to my pastor and he said he would do it... but T had to be the man in the relationship and call him and set everything up. T wouldnt do this... It was Dec.. I told T that he had till New Years Eve to do it... otherwise I was walking away and not looking back... If I was worth it.. If our family was worth it.. he would do it... He never did.  That New years eve was the worst for me...  I hate new years anyway.. I always get really depressed.. This one was so much worse... I felt like nothing... I felt like I was worthless... I wasn't even worth it to him to try and work it out one last time...   

That Jan I went to New Orleans for my sisters wedding... It was beautiful.. but it was so hard on me... so so hard. I was alone.  Everyone else there had someone... I was always the 3rd wheel everywhere...  I felt so down. I felt ... I don't even know the right words for it...  I felt sad.  I just kept praying... praying for God to bring me someone in my life...  The night of the wedding.. afterwards I should say.. we went out on Bourbon Street... We had so much fun... and I met Brian. I don't remember how or why we started talking to each other but we did... We were both drunk by this point... but we clicked... at the end of the night he walked me back to my hotel room... We stood there outside my room talking and kissing... He said he wanted to see me when we got home (he was from OHIO too!!)... we exchanged numbers and said he would call or text me the next day. I honestly wasn't expecting him to... I didn't think he would remember me... but he did... and the next weekend he came up here to visit... We have been together every weekend since.  He is the first guy in a long long long time that has made me feel like he wants to be around me. He gives up working overtime (time and a half and double time) and drives 2 1/2 hours almost every weekend (unless I go there) to see me.. Nomally I was always the one who did stuff like that.  He's loving and effectionate towards me...  He is a great guy... He has shown me how a man should treat a woman on a day to day basis.  He has made me feel loved...  

And theres been men in between that  I didnt get serious with... Men that stood me up, men that blew me off, men that got me to sleep with them... then nothing.  Men that were there one day.. then not the next.  
So maybe you can understand where my issues and overthinkingness comes from :-) 

lol. wow.. i just went off on a little tangent there.. well heres the basics about me.
I am a Christian
I work fully time. 
I work part time doing home parties with Tastefully Simple
I have two wonderful and crazy kids
I have a chihuahua 
I have a hamster
I own my own home
I think too much. 

Yea.  that sums it up...