Tuesday, November 2, 2010

30 Days of Me/Truths- Day 3 :-)

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Hhmm… this one I have to think about…  I don’t know what I need to forgive myself for… I'm sure there is something or many things… but at the moment, I can’t really think of them.
I guess one thing would be that I cheated on my ex-husband.  That wasn’t the reason we divorced, in fact I cheated on him before we were married. He knew and we moved forward. But its still something I did and I know I hurt him so bad and I can’t take that hurt, pain, and distrust away.
Also, that I didn’t try harder to make my marriage with him work. I can sit here and give you all the excuses… I was young. I didn’t know better. I wasn’t ready. He wasn’t a good husband. Blah blah blah. The plain and simple of it, I didn’t try.  We had dated for 8yrs before we even married. We had a kid, a house, and two dogs. The dream for most. But I wanted to be a party girl. I wanted to go out and meet people and be flirtatious and LIVE.  So we were married not even a year… separated with in a few months of getting married. Why did I even get married then? I don’t know. I loved him. He is a wonderful man. Everyone expected us to be married. I wanted to be married. But after the vows were said, things seemed to change… I guess I seemed to change. I don’t know. Looking back its all a blur. I remember bits and pieces of the whole… but not the whole all together.  I don’t know.  I guess I was looking for something better… hoping the grass would be greener on the other side of the fence… I have realize that yea… the grass may seem greener, but it may all just be the weeds growing thru. 
I have fought with these two things for 5years now. Its been 5 years this month since I have gotten divorced. And I hate myself sometimes that I hurt him so bad.  But I can’t change the past and I know that. I have stopped apologizing to him… tho I still want to but I don’t want bring up old emotions and everything with my ex and I really don’t have a moment a lone with him with out the kids or the new wife to express to him how sorry I am, plus at what point does it just become annoying?!   

Well those are the main ones that I can think of… I am sure there are more but those are the biggest. 

God Bless
Overthinking Mama

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