Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Its been one of those days... no i mean weeks... months?

The last few weeks for me I have been pretty stressful.  Especially last week with my hot water tank bursting and having half my house torn up... It all has just left me exhausted and back to the feeling that I just tired of doing all of this alone!

(ok... now i have completely lost my train of thought as to where i was going with this because i keep getting distracted.. ugh)  anywho.

I guess I just feel a lil overwhelmed and stressed out over life right now... Like there a lot of great things in my life- dont get me wrong there... but its just the other things... that are weighing me down and making me wish I didnt have to do it alone..

I know I have a great boyfriend...and he's always there for me and helps me as much as he can... but the thing is... when something goes wrong with my house... I am not going to expect (and probably wont even ask) him to help me do anything... It MY house.. It MY responsibility... thats just me.. thats who I am... I am an independent woman... I hate relying on anyone to help me with MY stuff... yet... I am yearning to be taken care of. 
I think also part of my issue right now.. is I am tired of always being the one who has to be responsible for EVERYTHING... the one who has to make all the choices.. the one who has the weight of a house payment, utility bills, kids, car, etc... on my shoulders. 

I have never had a man take care of me.  My BF right now.. is the closest thing I have ever had to it... and that scares me to death too!  We were talking last week (before the hot water tank issue) and he suggested me moving down there with him if and when I get laid off (ive been worried about getting laid off for over 2yrs now... just kinda waiting for it to happen). He is the first man ever to ask me to move in with him. Ive lived with 2 men in my life... My exhusband and my daughters father. My exhusband and I bought a house together... and my daughters father moved in to my house (well we moved in together there too but it was MY house).  
Right now the idea of moving in with him is very appealing... I wouldnt be alone all the time... I would have someone to support me in life. To be there to hold me on those really hard days... someone to help me raise my kids even if nothing more as someone there (in person) for me to talk to about any issues.  
But moving in with someone scares the crap out of me... its one thing to have someone move into my house... Im still in control... I wouldnt be the one out on the street if it ended up not working out...  but me moving myself and 2 kids in with a man is scary... thats something I have to think about...  and I always told myself that I wouldnt live with anyone unless we were at least engaged and had a date set... I dont wanna just go thru the motions of a "family" unless that is def. the end plan. 
I guess part of the biggest thing is I am tired of doing it all alone...   and I have been doing it all alone for the last 3yrs... its tiring.
Right now my life consists of :
I need to get my grass mowed..
I need to finish laundry and have it all put away.
I have dishes that need to be done.
I need to get my back yard cleaned up
I want a swing for the frong of my house
I want a gazebo for my back deck
I have to deal with the flooring and repairs to my house
I have to handle my kids and fight with them and all that on a daily basis.
I have to work 9hrs everyday... come home and spend 2 hrs with my kids and in this time I have too cook dinner and  clean and help with homework or anything else that needs to be done before they go to bed. 
I am just tired of it all.  I wish I could get off work earlier... I wish I had more time and energy to deal with it all. 

I guess over all I am just tired. lol.  and its starting to effect me... being a Mom, being a daughter, being a woman, being a GF...  I have no patience.. I have no desire to do anything after work...  I just feel like my overload button went out... and I need reset! lol.

I so need a vacation! 

and right now I need to go get my son from school.