Thursday, April 22, 2010

Just one of those days

Its just one of those days.... one where I really would have rathered to stay in bed and pretend the world outside didnt exist.. one where sleeping in a drug enduced coma is so much more plesant that feeling the irritation, lack of patience, and depression that to day is going to bring... 
But in reality.. this is what it is... this day much happen... and maybe after enough coffee and venting to everyone around me... The day will get better...
I am not really sure what brought on this mood I am in... All week I was in a great great mood!!  And maybe that is what it really was... My great moods dont get to last very long in my life... I dont get to be happy for more than a few days before I get back into my depressed state of mind... and being in a relationship effects it all that much more... sadly to say.
*pause for coffee run*
aaannnddd.. resume.
as I was going for coffee.. this thought popped into my mind...
sometimes it would just be easier to stay in a pissed off/depressed kinda mood all the time...  At least then I would have my guard up at all time... I wouldnt have to worry about getting hurt because I would already be there. But I know deep down thats not a good life.. thats not a happy life.  Its not fair to me.. my family.. or my friends/BF even tho it would be so much easier...

My biggest fear is being hurt. period.

I have spent the last 5 years of my life trying to be happy... (granted ive spent my whole life trying to be happy...but the last 5 years is when I can really really see it)
Im trying to pin point exactly what triggered me being in the mood that I am in now... and I know what it was....  my BF.  Not anything that he did intentionally to hurt me... and really nothing he did to me period... but just something that I have issues with.  Last night I text him... and text him and text him... for 2 hours... no reply... so me being the paranoid, overthinking woman that I am... I start thinking the worst... that he's with another woman... that he's drunk... that he's out and about and not concerned with me... mainly... that he's not concerned with me...  Now dont take this as he's given me any reason to not trust him or anything like that... its me. its becuase of my past that I am having half the issues that I do.  (fyi he fell asleep and thats why he didnt reply/text etc.)  
Some of its about priority. If I am dating someone... especially if the "i love you" has been said...that man becomes a priority in my life... not over my kids of course...but a priority in it own right...  that means... I make sure that through out my day .. I text, call, whatever I can to show him that I am thinking about him.  I almost always have my phone by me to make sure that when he text or calls me... I am there.. I can reply.. maybe not that second.. but asap.  And becuase I do this.. I kinda expect it in return.  And normally my BF now is really good about that...  so when there are long periods of time (over an hour) where I dont hear from him... my mind goes a lil crazy.
The last guy I dated... who also was my bff before we dated... I did this with him... text him thru out the day.. made sure I text him good morning... and he would reply... eventually... sometimes it would 3, 4, 5 hrs later.  He would text other people... call other people... but when it came to me... eh.. oh well.. who cares.. at least that is how I felt.  When we were just friends.. he always replyed asap.. but as soon as we started dating... not so much... I talked to him about this... it did no good... So I started no texting him (i hate playing games tho) and he wouldnt go an entired day with out hearing from me... and not thinking anything about it.  This made me feel like I wasnt anything special to him...  I told him... that I felt like I was just a glorified friend... I didnt feel like a GF to him... I was just a good friend... that he got to have sex with.  It was a horrible feeling.. he would make plans with me... then cancel at the last second cuz he'd rather hang out with other people... and he didnt see this as rude or as something for me to be upset about... again.. i felt like i wanst anything special to him...  So because of this... I got issues.
The guy before him...  we text all the time.. all day long.. we worked different shifts.. so really this was the only way we got to talk to each other or anything...  Towards the end of our relationship he started no replying to my messages while he was at work... or not texting me at all.. he would say it was because he was really busy at work or whatnot... but come to find out... it was because he was busy texting a coworker... so becuase of this... I got issues..

Now I try really hard to not let my past issues effect my present situation... and most of the time I dont have issues with it... but that is also when I keep walls up... when I keep my heart at an arms length from loving someone completely... from getting hurt... but once I start letting down my guard and let the walls fall... I hurt easily... I over think situations... and remember the past hurt and pain that I have felt from  idiotic ex's and their stupidity that has caused me issues...

Love is a double edged sword... no matter what you will get hurt... even in the bestest of relationship...hurt is involved at some point or another... you can't fully be in love with someone and never be hurt.