Looking back... (gotta love the 20/20 hindsite!) I can see where God was working in my life... drawing me closer to him... The first time I remember I was 13. I skipped school one day... (my mom let me) and I remember laying on the couch watching tv. And a commercial came on for Power for Living. It was book on Jesus and being saved. I watched the commercial each time it came on and felt this urge to called to get the free book... so finally I did. Gave them my info and a few weeks later I got it. Looked it over.. and set it aside. Fast forward 4-5 years and I met a girl Sarah. We worked at TJMaxx together... and I dunno why but we clicked and became pretty good friends. I don't remember what denomination she was but she was extrememe Christian. like- no make up, no pants- only long skirts, long sleeves- cant show any skin other than neck face hands... and cant cut their hair. She was 17 and married. (very happily)... And she would talk to me about God from time to time.. but never once did she try and push her ideas on me. A few years later around my 21st birthday my niece passed away. She was 12. Her family was very relgious too and I remember at the funeral service her mom got up and talked about how much Jackie (my neice) love Christ and how she wanted everyone to know about His love.. and that if anyone felt the need to come to the alter and give there life to Jesus that night, she would pray with them... or something like that... and I remember sitting there in the pew with this yearning in my heart... this strong urge to get up and go up there... but I didn't . My butt didn't move off that seat. 5 more years go by... by now I had been married, divorsed, in love, had another baby, and hurt beyond words. One week night I was extrememly depressed. I just felt like nothing... I called up the EX and begging him to come over and be with me... I didn't want to be alone. He told me no. I felt so worthless at that moment. The man I was still in love with... that I longed to just have his arms around me... couldn't come over when I needed him most. I went to my room and remember watching TV and sitting on the side of my bed... I looked over at my book case and see that Power For Living book... the same exact one that I had when I was 13.... the one that moved with for 13 years!!! I picked it up and started reading it... really reading it... I was crying more now... and I felt the Lord... I got down on my knees and prayed... prayed for forgiveness. prayed for healing.. prayed for strength...prayed for joy... just prayed... I swore at that moment I would be different... at that moment... my heart changed. my focus changed. my life changed.
I wish I could say at that moment everything did change.. that I lived better and was a good Christian... but it was and up and down battle... There were days/weeks/months where I was close to God and there were more times where I wasnt... I was living for me. Many time I lost sight of the right way... but now looking back... I see the Lord still working in my life... using the downs to push me up. Using bad situations, bad relationships, bad moments... to push me in the way He wanted me to go... and yea I strayed off the path more times than not... but He was always there.