Monday, April 11, 2011

maybe.... dunno.

I have learned that I need to blog or at least jot down my thoughts first thing in the morning.. cuz by lunch time… my brilliant thinker is done. L ugh.
I don’t really wanna do another “my weekend was great Monday post”  even tho, my weekend was AWESOME!!

I wanted to do a more serious post..  One so my readers can get to know me a tad bit more… 

I wanted to write about how I “maybe” had a miscarriage.  

This was 2006… 5 years ago… February. This was a very very very stressful time in my life. I was in a relationship with a man that would seriously change my life… for the good and the bad in some ways-but in the end- it was good. My family disliked this man to the point where they wouldn’t even come to my house.  I had just bought a house and me and this man (if you have read in previous posts- it’s the EX) moved in together. We had only been dating a couple months but had known each other for a few months longer (because that makes it all the more better!).  We moved in the beginning of February.   February 17/18 somewhere in there, I took a home pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant.
February 25th. It was a Saturday. I remember this day perfectly.  Lil Man was with his father this weekend.  We were getting our TV wall mounts installed.  I remember after I woke and and started doing a lil bit of cleaning I felt a slight cramping. Thinking I just needed to use the potty I went to the bathroom…  I went in and sat down and noticed blood spots in my panties… and when I wiped just a little bit on the toilet paper… I text my bf to let him know and told him I was scared. He said for me to call the doctors and then to call him. So I did. The nurse said some spotting is fine. If it gets worse go the the ER.  I called the bf back and told him and he was like- I am coming home… you are going to the ER.  By this time the installation man had shown up, so I called a couple of my friends- Tina and Tom and asked them to come over and stay with the guy while I went up to the Hospital.  My bf got home and we immediately left.
We went up the ER and waited and waited and waited..  finally the nurse came in the room and had to stick a ballon with a tube up my pee whole to inflate to enlarge my bladder so they could do an ultrasound.  So after that I was wheeled down to the ultra sound room… and that was done.  And I was wheeled back to the room…  I called the nurse and asked if the tube could be removed cuz it hurt and he (yes HE) went and found out that he could take it out!  
He came back in… didn’t even close the curtain all the way… spread my legs, started watching TV and pull it out… OMG!!! That hurt worse that having a kid, getting tattoo, or being punched in the face!! I let out a yelp (I don’t scream) and my bf was immediately standing up and in the nurses face going off on him… Yea security was called and my bf was told to calm down… It was NOT fun.   Soon after we were discharged… and tried to go on with our life.
The next couple days I took off work and felt miserable…  I saw clumps of skin passing and coming out in my toilet… but not much. Nothing more than what I would pass with a normal period.   I laid in bed a lot. I didn’t have the energy or motivation to get up and get out. My bf was awesome to me. He held me. He comforted me. I was in mourning.
About a month later I went to my doctor for a follow up- that I insisted on because on of the test came back from the ultrasound that there was a cyst on my left ovary- so I wanted it checked out.  I went into the docs and they did another ultrasound…  The lady asked me if there was anyway I could be pregnant. I said no. I just had a miscarriage.  She gave me a cup, showed me the restroom and told me to go pee.  I did… I was pregnant. The measured everything… and put conception date as March 11. Exactly 2 weeks after my miscarriage.   So now, I am not sure if I even had a miscarriage. Is it even possible to get pregnant that quick after a miscarriage.    I still dunno. I dunno if I have a baby up in heaven or not. I dunno if I was pregnant 3 times or not. I dunno if I mourned for my child or not. I dunno.

God Bless
Overthinking Mama 


  1. I am so so sorry that you had to endure that much pain and on top of it all have a crappy male nurse to add more pain. Did the doctors ever mention anything about maybe a twin? Maybe you lost one child and God blessed you with the twin.

  2. I had a simnilar "not-sure-if-I-miscarried" situation near the beginning of my first marriage. Oddly enough, a few years ago, I became friends with a young lady who was the exact age that child would've been if it really was a miscarriage, and because she had lost her mom several years previously, we "adopted" each other. Even though we aren't as close as we once were, there was something healing about that, almost like I got a chance to have the baby I never had, if that makes sense?

  3. That's so scary to me... Going through all the fertility issues we've had, I often worry about possibly having a miscarriage when (if) we do get pregnant. :( But I know it's all in God's hands, so I try not to dwell on it.


Let me know what you think... good, bad, and the downright ugly...