Monday, March 21, 2011

30 Days of Me/Truths Day 8

It’s been awhile since I have done one of these posts…  but I figured I’ll do one today… and maybe keep up with it again… and maybe not. Lol.

 Day 8: Someone who has made your life hell or treated you like poopy

Well there really is only one person that I could say this could be…  I have dated a lot of idiots, some jerks and a few assholes (excuse the language- but sometimes it fits too well).   I have learned so much from all of these men that I am thankful that I went thru those relationships… but there is one relationship that I can say was the worst… and it changed me forever.

I won’t give out any names…  I am just going to refer to him on here at the EX.  

We met about 5years ago…  I was just finishing up with my divorse. He was still married.  I wasn’t interested at all what so ever.  I didn’t want a relationship. I didn’t want that drama. I was all about me. That was is.  I had my friends… that was all I needed.  But the EX kept persueing me…  and I told him no. He was married. No. I didn’t want a relationship. NO NO NO… and he kept on… and I fell in love with him even though I didn’t want to…   I believed all the lines he gave me… He was wanting a divorce from his wife… he just didn’t have the money right now because he was laid off. He was still living with her because she needed help with her kids.  They slept in different rooms of the house… they don’t interact with each other… they stay separate. She was dating other people and she knew he was too.  I became the other woman.  He got a job in December and with his first paycheck he moved out of his wifes house and into a motel/apartment.  We got closer and I was so in love. So so in love.  Things moved quick after that.  I bought a house and by Feb 5 we had moved in… I also found out I was prego.  Feb 25 I had a miscarriage (I believe)… and March 13 I conceived my daughter.  (theres some iffy things that we are not sure about the miscarriage and all that.. but that’s for another blog post).  We had our first big fight in Feb.. and then another and another… but I stayed.  I was bound and determined to make THIS relationship work. It was my fault that my marriage broke up in my mind… and in everyone elses… so I had to prove to everyone I could make a relationship work… and I was in love.  The EX sent me emails telling me how much he loved me… how he would never hurt me… how great I was for him… how he’s never loved anyone like me..EVER.. how he would never leave me…  these were also in between the emails and text messages asking me if I was going to leave him… if I was going to cheat on him… who did I talk to that day…  who tried to get with me… I blocked out all my friends especially my guy friends so the EX wouldn’t think I would leave. I wanted to make him happy… I wanted to make him secure… but that would never happen.. I would never be good enough in his mind.  My family hated him for many reasons… and me and the EX faught about that all the time. He didn’t like me going over there because he figured I would leave him for them.  I promised him I never would do that. I would be with him forever. I loved him more than anything.  He was the man I always dreamed of…  I was delusional at times. Lol.  Farther and farther along in the relationship things just went down hill…  He lost his job. So everything was on me. I was working full time… raising my son… and carrying my daughter.  I would come home and cook him dinner.  Clean up around the house… do his hair… if I had a craving- I had to go to the store to get it… or he would go with me… but I had to go in.   He would stay up till 4 or 5am watching tv… I would come out of the bedroom and he would be asleep on the couch. I would wake him up and tell him to come to bed with me… He said he wasn’t tired and wasn’t sleeping… 5 minutes later he would be snoring again.  All I wanted was him to hold me.. to love me…  If I went to go kiss him- He would push me away… He said he was just playing with me but it hurt so bad.  I would beg him to make love to me… He wouldn’t be in the mood, he’d have a headache, always something.  Then we would have a great few days- He would love me the way I dreamed of being loved. I would be so happy.  I would fall in love with him all over again.   There were more days though where I cried myself to sleep. I just wanted to be loved. But he didn’t know how.  One hot summer Sunday… we got into a really bad fight. I was still prego with our daughter…  it was a bad fight… in your face type of fight.  I smacked him in the face… He pushed me down and ended up hitting me.  He of course apologized. He was soo soo sorry. He loved me so much . He swore he would never do that again. And he didn’t.  He knew I wouldn’t be as forgiving the next time.   We got better… then worse. Our daughter was born and things were perfect again.. for a few weeks.  Months went by, He still wasn’t working.  I was in debt. I couldn’t pay my bills and then he got a job!!!   We still had our issues.  We still faught all the time. I still felt worthless at times…  and then he left.   He moved in with his ex wife.  That lasted 3 days and he was calling me telling me he loved me, he wanted it to work.  I told him he had to get his own place. I loved him too much for it to be over.   
A month later we did get back together… and everything was so wonderful.  I felt so loved. But it ended quickly. Maybe I was partly to blame for it because I was insecure. I was afraid we would go back to the way we were.  He started going out with new “friends” and lying to me about times and places and people…  then he just stopped talking to me.. for two week… I asked him what was going on- he said he needed time to think… I said it was over…  I was heart broken. I couldn’t eat. I lost 15lbs… I was a mess. My friends and family got me thru it…  I met someone else… and moved on.. a little bit.  And the EX came back.. though he never really left I guess since we had a daughter together.   He promised me the world… he loved me more than anything. He made a mistake by leaving me. He wanted his family back. He wanted me. He wanted us. He would do whatever it took.  I didn’t believe him… the guy I was dating at the time and I split… and I was alone again…  His words became more and more believeable every time he spoke.. and I said ok.  And he said good bye.  I moved on again… I became saved….  A few months later… the same thing… promised me the world… and then walked aways… for 3 years!!!!  3 YEARS!!  I have given him chances to break my heart, to walk aways from his family…  The last time was over a year ago. I just broke up with the guy I was dating… The EX promised me this time was different. He would do whateer it took. Anything and Everything I wanted…  He wanted his family back. He realized how much he messed up… He grew so much and was at a better place in his life.  I said ok. I wanted us to go to counseling with my pastor. I emailed my pastor and he said sure but The EX had to call him to set it up. He was the man. He was the leader of the household. He had to show he wanted it just as much as me…  I told the EX that… and he got mad. And said no… but still wanted me back.  I said he had to call.  He kept telling me he would… he would.. he would…  a month later I asked when.. he would say today. Tomorrow. Later… always some other time that never seemed to come. I gave him a dead line.  New Years Eve. Midnight. My most dreaded holiday. If I was worth it to him… he would do what it took….

I wasn’t worth it. 

And yet a year later, he is still trying. Still telling me all the lines to try and lure me back in. but now I know… my heart has hardend some towards him… and I can’t make those same mistakes again. And he doesn’t get it. I am not sure he ever will.  There is one thing I want from that man… and he can’t even give that to me… and sadly it not me that suffers because of it. L. I do love him.  I will always to a point and I will probably always be the one person he can count on for help… but to a point.  I need to worry about me and my family. I need to protect myself from that hurt… that insanity.  The wall needs to stay up towards him… otherwise I can not be the mother, friend, and eventually wife that the Lord has meant for me to be.

I have forgiven him for the pain, the hurt, and emotional abuse this man has caused me… but I can’t forget those feelings… I can’t just pretend it didn’t happen…  It still hurts to this day…  I have a hard time writing this with out tearing up…  My I have God by myside holding me close telling me I will be better…I will move on…  this will make me that much more of a better person… more to the person HE wants me to be…. Not what my EX wants me to be.

God Bless
Overthinking Mama

1 comment:

  1. Oh My! How I feel your pain and saw myself in you so much. However I was married and stuck it out for 10 years more than I should have. You don't deserve the crap your Ex gives you. He does NOT deserve you. THere IS someone out there just for you.

    I know it is hard. You want to feel loved so bad and you deserve to be but don't give in. Do not make that mistake. You've been strong standing against him, keep going forward without him in it. Obviously, he does not even know what the wants.

    Just wanted to let you know I know how you feel, unloved, undesired, unwanted. You do deserve better. You deserve to be treated as a lady loved and secured. It takes time but pray and it shall come.


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