This is something that has been weighing on my heart lately. And since this is my place to vent… here it goes. I am not sure even if I will publish this in the end or not.. but at least its out there. I’ve said it. I can get these ping pong balls out of my head… even if its just for the time it takes me to write this.
I am a Christian.
Though sometimes I feel like if you looked at me you wouldn’t think so. I feel like a fake. I love Jesus. My heart revolves around him. Except, when my boyfriend is around. Then my heart is all his. And I hate myself for that. I want both of our hearts to revolve around Jesus and then each other. But they don’t.
We are at two different place spiritually. Two very very different places. He believes in God, but not to the point of worship. I am not even sure if he prays. Its just not something that we really talk about, and I am not sure why. Me? I am saved, I have been baptized, I pray, I talk, everyone who knows me, who’s how I feel about God. I don’t hide that. But this one aspect of my life, feels dark, not true.
I am having sex with him. We ain’t married.. we are not even engaged. I feel wrong about that too. But I can’t stop. I gave into the lust that I felt and now I feel like I can’t turn back.
I drink. And too much on occasion. I don’t act wild and stupid and crazy most of the time, though I have had my moments where I have danced on the bar and shaked my booty… even after I have been saved.
I feel like I have a struggle going on inside me. Between the person I was and the person I want to be.
I was the girl who was quiet and reserved. The girl who was shy and lacked self confidence. I was the girl who after a couple drinks would be the first one out on the dance floor just wanting to have a good time and not having a care in the world. I was the girl who loved getting attention because growing up, I never received it (from boys). I was the girl who ended up cheating on her husband and then going home and looking him in the face and telling him I loved him, because I did. It was myself that I didn’t love.
I don’t want to be that girl anymore.
I want to be the girl who’s life revolves around God. That every aspect of my life does. That I can go out and have a drink or two and be fine, not have to keep drinking or even have a drink to have fun. I want to be a happy wife and a mother, a friend, a Christian. I want to have a big family and I want to adopt part of that family. I want to pray together as a family and not just at meal time or bed time… but any time. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I want to be the girl that God has made me to be.
But I am human and I keep slipping back to the way I was and part of me hates myself for that. I can do better.