Thursday, February 3, 2011

The girl I want to be...

This is something that has been weighing on my heart lately.  And since this is my place to vent… here it goes.  I am not sure even if I will publish this in the end or not.. but at least its out there. I’ve said it. I can get these ping pong balls out of my head… even if its just for the time it takes me to write this.

I am a Christian.

Though sometimes I feel like if you looked at me you wouldn’t think so.  I feel like a fake.  I love Jesus.  My heart revolves around him.  Except, when my boyfriend is around.  Then my heart is all his.  And I hate myself for that. I want both of our hearts to revolve around Jesus and then each other. But they don’t. 
We are at two different place spiritually.  Two very very different places. He believes in God, but not to the point of worship. I am not even sure if he prays. Its just not something that we really talk about, and I am not sure why.  Me? I am saved, I have been baptized, I pray, I talk, everyone who knows me, who’s how I feel about God.  I don’t hide that.  But this one aspect of my life, feels dark, not true. 
I am having sex with him. We ain’t married.. we are not even engaged.  I feel wrong about that too.  But I can’t stop.  I gave into the lust that I felt and now I feel like I can’t turn back.
I drink. And too much on occasion. I don’t act wild and stupid and crazy most of the time, though I have had my moments where I have danced on the bar and shaked my booty… even after I have been saved.  
I feel like I have a struggle going on inside me.  Between the person I was and the person I want to be.  
I was the girl who was quiet and reserved. The girl who was shy and lacked self confidence. I was the girl who after a couple drinks would be the first one out on the dance floor just wanting to have a good time and not having a care in the world.  I was the girl who loved getting attention because growing up, I never received it (from boys). I was the girl who ended up cheating on her husband and then going home and looking him in the face and telling him I loved him, because I did. It was myself that I didn’t love. 
I don’t want to be that girl anymore.

I want to be the girl who’s life revolves around God. That every aspect of my life does. That I can go out and have a drink or two and be fine, not have to keep drinking or even have a drink to have fun.  I want to be a happy wife and a mother, a friend, a Christian.  I want to have a big family and I want to adopt part of that family.  I want to pray together as a family and not just at meal time or bed time… but any time.   I don’t want to be a hypocrite.  I want to be the girl that God has made me to be.  
But I am human and I keep slipping back to the way I was and part of me hates myself for that. I can do better.  

God Bless
Overthinking Mama 


  1. Oh Sweetie! You have just encapsulated the human condition.

    We all make mistakes!

    You are NOT a BAD person because not every part of your life is aligned to His will.

    Because if you are? Then we all are!

    Think about things God does LOVE that you do. Focus on that. Then IF there are things that you feel (strongly) that need to change. Just do it ONE thing at a time.

    A little step here. A little step there.

    Just because you are HUMAN doesn't mean God is disgusted with you. Not at all.

    He understands.

    Do your best. Only He and you know what that is.

    Great and sweet post, m'dear.

  2. God loves you more then you know and for everything you are. If you ask for forgiveness and welcome him into your heart (as you have done) you really are a Christian. Do not second guess your relationship with the Lord. He see's everything you have gone through and he know you better then yourself. Just know he loves you NO matter what. And you can still have a few drinks and be a Christian. There is nothing wrong with that. Keep your head up and keep your faith, everything will work out in the end.

  3. I wrote a post recently that I wasn't sure I was going to post, and I did. I got nothing but support in return and I hope my message is exactly that for you, because that's my intention.

    Girlfriend I think you're being way to hard on yourself. God wants you to be YOU, not who you think he wants you to be. Live your life, have fun, and worship & pray for you.

    I too am a Christian and I have my own relationship with God. I'm not a church goer, I don't pray daily, but I BEILEIVE Jesus died for our sins. If you love the man you are dating then allow him to be who he is too along wit the beliefs that he has.

    God is realistic and we have free will in our lives. So do what you think is right for you and he will support you like a Father would, because he is our Father watching over us in Heaven.

    All these words come from my believing heart, and I hope they comfort and help you in your struggles.

    Following from Bloggy Moms. ;)

  4. I struggled with the same things when I was dating my husband. We were living together, every time we were together I hated it afterward. That whole feeling went away the moment we got married. It was such a relief. We are on two very different levels when it comes to our spiritual lives. He was raised in the catholic church, I was not. He believes in God (I think) he prays (at least he tells me he does), we just don't pray together. We all have things we struggle with in this walk. God knows what's going on, now that you voiced it and got it out He can help you work on things.

    Thanks for following The Hickman Four. I am following back! I grabbed your button as well. Have a blessed weekend!

  5. Thanks for stopping by my blog, it's nice to connect with 'near' local blogs.
    I have to say...and you may not like my answer- but loving and praying to God and believing in Jesus's accomplishments, as you are seeing isn't enough. If you aren't getting fulfilled still (spiritually) you will continue to seek those 'gap fillers' via alternative methods. Most people hate that when I say that because they love their church but when you are fed RIGHT you feel RIGHT. Right, whole, doctrine IN leads to better doctrine lived. Plus, there are TONS of blessings you may not even be aware of to claim, like over 900 promises that can help fulfill your needs as well.
    Also, we are flesh, born in sin, we can overcome it but it's not easy. I can relate on many levels. It's not available to be perfect, so take that pressure off your shoulders...but we can improve :).
    Your boyfriend's place in your life will be figured out easily as you just focus on your relationship with God and His son. Yes, the rest falls in place ;)
    Thanks for letting comments be allowed. Stop in anytime!


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