Thursday, August 8, 2013

Before you judge

I am on a roll here!!! Two posts in one week!!!  Craziness!!!

Something that has been on my mind lately is relationships and how easily we judge someone else's choices and decisions based on what we think we would do if we were in their shoes.

A friend of mine just found out that his girlfriend cheated on him. He was hurt. He was broken. He didn't understand why. Yet, in the back of his mind, he hoped that maybe once his girlfriend got some counseling and bettered herself that maybe they could be together again and have the life that they both had always talked about. The people in my friends life though judged this thought process. Judged how he could even think about wanting to be with someone that betrayed that trust so much.
Unless you are in the person's shoes... feel the things that they feel... How can you say that they are wrong for their choice??
I agree that giving someone a chance or even wanting to immediately after something has happened is a bit crazy and may not end up the way the person is hoping and they may end up back in the same exact place that they were beforehand.  But being on the outside looking in on someone else's life and decision with out having that emotional connection, makes it hard for us to understand that thought process.
Years ago, I had a man come into my life that from day one, everyone said was wrong for me.  The more I got to know this man, the more I fell in love with him. We started dating and eventually moved in together.  Our relationship was a roller coaster at best. I cried daily because of the fights, because of the harsh words, because of the emotional pain that this man put me thru. He wasn't able to love and especially wasn't able to love me continually the way that I needed or desired.  One minute he acted like that man that I was so in love with and the next he would push me away when I would try and love him because he didn't know how to fully love another person back. Our relationship lasted a year and a half and he immediately moved out and in with his ex wife- who he left for me.  A few months later he came back and wanted another chance. He loved me. He messed up. He needed me. He said everything I needed to hear and I accepted him back much to the disapproval of my friends and family, but I didn't care, I was in love.  This time we only lasted a few months and ended horribly. He just stopped talking to me. Would tell me he was done, wouldn't answer my calls, wouldn't respond to my text. Just ignored me. I felt like nothing at this point in my life. I struggled every day to survive. I had to make myself go to work. I had to make myself take care of my two wonderful small children... but I had no appetite... I went from 125 down to 110 in two weeks time. I barely slept. I was alive and functioning... but I wasn't really there.  Finally I made a choice after two weeks- I gave him a choice to either figure out what he wanted right then and there or we were done.   We were done.
A year later we tried again.... again to the disapproval to everyone in my life. This lasted a couple months. We never actually were "together". One minute he said he wanted me. He loved me. And the next he was scared.
A year after that we tried again. (starting to sound crazy now huh??) And the same thing happened all over again.  This time I gave him till midnight on New Years eve to make a choice. He couldn't. So I told him I was done. I was moving on.  And I did... for 2 years... and then I was so low, so depressed, so lonely that I wanted someone so bad and he said just what I wanted to hear. And I gave him another chance.... only to find out that the entire time, he had a girlfriend and was still living with her and would be for a few more months because he was "too nice"  to just kick her out.

Everyone in my life thought I was crazy. They judged me negatively for the choices I made to keep giving him chance after chance... and in the end they were right. I shouldn't have. I would have avoided a ton of heartache, but I would have also always lived with that thought of "what if". What if he really had changed?? What if he was the man that he said he was and the mad that I needed.  I still loved him.  And honestly I still do love him.  I know now that I can never go back to that. It took me 5 years of being heartbroken over and over by this man to make me realize that he is who he is. I can't change him and he will only change if he truly deeply wants it... and is ready.  That point hasn't come yet. I have put up such a big wall around my heart that I can't let him in like I had.... the sad thing is, it always keeps out other men too that could be good for me.

No one understands why I gave this man chance after chance... and really I can't explain it either.  My heart was still connected with him to some degree.

We have all made choices that weren't right. We have all made mistakes that someone else told us were wrong and judged us based on them.  We have all been an idiot at some point in our life.  So maybe the next time you see someone doing something that you say you would never do... think about what maybe they are going thru. They are not any weaker or any more stupid that you were at one point or another in your life.  We are all at different stages in our life. We all move forward and move backwards at different points in our life and make decisions that build us up or bring us down. That is all part of life.  Just try to understand how someone else may be feeling before you make a decision on who they are or why they might do something.

Blessings and Love
Overthinking Mama


  1. I love this post. I love a very difficult man, although it's not as turbulent as your relationship was, we have been married for 17 years. When I tried to leave him I physically sick and no one understood why I went back, many many times. I even had a family member say (and take back later) "Don't ever talk to me again if you go back to him" We are now happier and are working on it - I so understand why you kept taking him back over and over again, I did with my man. I'm so sorry that you didn't have the ending I did, but you learned a very important lesson - if you keep making the same mistake, expect the same results, and now you seem stronger because of it.

    1. Thank you so much for your comment!! It means the world to me to know that I am not along with the struggle that I have gone through. I also makes me so happy that it worked out so wonderfully for you!! I always hoped for that happy ending with him especially because I do still have love for him and almost daily he tells me that he wants another chance. I just can't trust him anymore. Blessings to you and your "difficult man". May God blossom his love in every area of your relationship!!


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