I was reading in my devotional about marriage. I got married when I was 23 and divorced at 24. The marriage lasted a year, but we were separated after 4 or 5 months. We had dated since I was 15. 8 years together!!!! And I couldn’t even make a marriage work. I feel like a failure.
I didn’t even give our marriage a chance. It wasn’t the fairy tale I wanted. So I left. I wasn’t receiving the attention I wanted from my husband. Wasn’t receiving the feelings I wanted and when I started to get them from some one else, I gave up everything for that. I wanted to go out and party and just have fun. I failed.
The next relationship I was in after my marriage, I was bound and determined to make work. And I ended up staying in an emotionally abusive relationship for a year and a half because I didn’t want to be that failure again. It eventually ended but it took me 4years after that to fully be able to remove my heart off of that man. We kept going back and forth to “see’ if it would work. It never did and my heart got broke more times than I would ever want to realize. But I will say this. God used that brokenness to pull me to Him! With out that, I wouldn’t be saved. I wouldn’t have the faith I have now!
Every relationship with a man has failed since my marriage. Every relationship I have walked away from. Every relationship the Lord showed me what wasn’t right. And I walked away. And to a point I still feel like a failure. I can’t make a simple relationship work.
But in reality, I was taking the control of finding a mate into my own hands and going against the intuitions that the Lord gave me and persued something that I knew wouldn’t work.
I am learning I need to put God at the center of the relationship. Which is really hard for me because I have NEVER had that in any relationship that I have had. I never saw that in any marriage I witnessed. I didn’t grow up in a home where God was the center of it all. So its hard for me to know what to do. But I am bound and determined to change that.
When it comes to marriage God needs to be in it. Period. And if he’s not. We will not survive. I will not survive. I am realizing that more and more. Realizing the mistakes I made in my previous marriage and past relationships. This time around, its all in God’s hands.
As hard as it is and as much as I struggle with it, Its in God’s hands. He will bring my husband into my life, When HE is ready. And even tho my heart yearns to have someone, I have to keep my faith.
Blessings N Love