Sunday, February 5, 2012

a night of little sleep...

Last night was a rough night. L This past week has been a really rough one… I sit here and wonder if it will ever get easier… when will the constant battles end… and in reality they wont. They will always be present in my life. That is the devil working with me… pulling me away from the Lord.  The thing that will change in my life… is how I react to the battles. I need to quit trying to do it all alone.  And even tho I constantly pray and say that I am putting it in God’s hands… I reality, I am not… I am holding all of that in… inside of me and letting it bring me down… let it tire me out… let it turn me into a person that I don’t like.  

Starting today… I am going to change that. Now I know that I won’t be perfect after this… I know I will still get down and have bad days….but I will not let the devil win.

Last night I literally cried myself to sleep .  I don’t think I finally feel asleep till after 3… this morning I didn’t want to get up… I just wanted to stay in bed… and ignore life.  But as a mother of two wonderful kids… and having my son’s bff over… I had to get up. So I did. I made some coffee and then sat down… asked the kids for a few moments of uninterrupted time so I could regroup and spend some time with God… something that I really haven’t done in a while.  And I needed it!  The Lord is so good!!!!  As always, he spoke to me… and I was down so far that I was able to hear and be open.  He showed me

Hebrews 13:5 Keep you lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have.

The prayer in the devotional that I found that passage in:
 Dear Lord, I want contentment in the depth of my soul, but I fall into the trtap of believeing things will make me happy. Then I feel frustrated and confused. Show me the areas of my life I am trying to fill with something for someone other than YOU. I want lasting contentment that comes from knowing and beling loved by you. Help me recognize and want all I have in Christ. In Jesus’ name Amen.
(from the P31 Women’s devotions Gods Purpose for every woman)

That hit the nail on the head. Perfectly.

I have been focusing on things in my life that I want better…   a bigger house… more time in the day…  a husband at home to help with life…  because I felt with these things, the overwhelming feelings I had with everything else in my life… would go away.  And maybe to a point it would make life easier.  But in reality… that’s not this moment.  No point in sitting here focusing on what I don’t have… what I can’t do… I need to focus on what I can do… with the Lord! 

Life is hard right now… I have the weight of my own home/family on my shoulders and the responsibility of my father too…  There are so many days that I just want to scream… And there are days that I actually do scream!! Lol.   But after I scream, instead of remaining focused on the negative… I need to start praying. Stopping what I am doing and regroup. Pray. And focus on what I can do.  The Lord is with me thru all of this. He is there with me thru this… and I will get thru it… learn from it and be better because of it. 

Life’s not really going to get any easier. There are too many things in my life that can not be changed right now… but it is my moment… to turn to the Lord for my strength… to be the person I long to be.  To grow from this.  And to be the woman/mom/daughter/sister/friend that the Lord has destined me to be.  And sometimes it takes moments in the dark to be able to see the light… because if we are constantly surrounded by things in life that illuminating brightness… we might miss that light that the Lord emits and end up blinded.  

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

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