Friday, May 22, 2009


I was on my way into work yesterday... and my ex was texting me. Telling me he loves me and he wants me back. And I love him so much... there is not a day that goes by that I dont think about him, that i dont miss him. Then I remember the pain and the hurt that he has caused me. I think he cheated on me. Maybe not physically or sexually. But while me and him were still together and even tho we were in the midst of knowing it was over, he was trying to get with his ex's and when we split, he moved in with one. To this day he denys any of that, and to this day he lies about the whole situation. When I try and ask him about he changes the subject, ignores the question or just says that I am crazy. (his fav. line for me). But this still hurts me so bad. And even as I write this right now~ I can feel my chest tightening up, that ball begining to form in the base of my tummy, my heart heavy, and the tears starting to form... and I dont wanna cry again... not here, not now... but I know its inevitable because I hurt. He hurt me. and two years later, I am still not over that hurt and that pain and I wonder if I ever will be completely.
And so this makes me think about my ex-husband. Me and him dated for 8 or 9 years, we had a son together, a house, a life. And I cheated on him, before we were ever married, I cheated on him. People ask my why I did it. I dont have a clear answer for them. Because the opportunity was there. Because I was searching for something. Because I was wanting more love, more attention. I dont know really. But I hurt him. I damaged our relationship, and I damaged his heart. Till this day, I still bear that burden of what I did to him, and maybe that is why I hurt so badly from my ex hurting me, I am punishing myself that much more because of what I did to my exhusband. My exhusband was a good man. He loved me more than anything, more than he should have. I was his soulmate. and I hurt him, and he didnt deserve it.
I think he's moved on since then. He's remarried to a good woman. Has a life and a family with her. But this still haunts me till this day... for a while in my life while and right after we divorsed, I was able to move on, to not think about it but it always came back to me. When I was having low moments in my life, I would think about what I did to him, how much I hurt him and I would hurt that much more on top of what I was hurting. But I felt I deserved that pain, this was my punishment, this was karma coming back on me. And to a point even till this day, I feel I deserve the pain and the hurt because of what I put my exhusband thru. He didnt deserve that. He deserved love. Just like I deserved love when my ex hurt me.

**disclaimer: Sorry if any of this is confusing. I just started typing, my thoughts just started pouring out. I have a hard time keeping my thougths in a straight path, they always jump around... So I apologize... :-)

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