I am sitting here on a Sunday night approx 10pm... in the dark... the quietness of my house is relaxing... the only sounds i hear is the radio going in the kitchen, the clock ticking, and my fingers clicking aways at the random keys that ill make up the words to this random bunch of thoughts that will end up in the posting...
It was a bitter sweet weekend... It started out awesome!! I went to a comedy show compliments of my bff. We went with a great group of friends... it was a wonderful time! and I had a great conversation with a new great friend... He makes me think... and that is about all i have done all weekend... I haven't slept all that much because all I have been doing is thinking... Saturday I went over to an old neighbors and hung out and had coffee with her for a few hours... i think that longest me and her have hung out in a very very long time! it was awesome. After that I met a new friend at Arabica for another coffee (trust me i needed all the caffeine i could get this weekend). Had good convo there... but this conversation was very different then normal... i just sat and listened to what he said... and i had to hold back from giggling at his thought process, his facial expressions.. and even tho this man wants a friendship and who knows how deep of a relationship, i knew again from that moment... it would never go beyond a friendship.
the rest of the day I just kinda bummed around... went bday shopping for my boy and just went gazing thru stores since I was kid free for the afternoon... something that happens oh o randomly in my life.. then its like my reality set in or something... i was still happy... but felt sad at the same time... like anything cloud make me cry... and did... this is odd... normally either i am happy or i am sad, not a mix of both... this mood is still going on today... and just of recently, I turned my phone off... something i NEVER do.. my phone is my life line! my way of staying connected to the world, thru facebook, twitter and text messaging... but tonite, I want to be alone with my thots and my laptop. I dont want to be bothered with the friends, the ex's fake i love yous, the randomness of my life... I am doing me tonite... which here in a moment will probably be going to bed... but it me... I mean hell, my friends can ignore me for hours, for days... but I am always there available at the drop of a hat... not tonite...
I have been doing a lot of thinking this weekend... and one thing i have realized... for so long I thot the type of man i wanted was someone that had the same exact out look on life as me... didn't make me have to defend myself in any sort of way, didn't make me have to explain anything because they understood... but I have realized, that is so not true. I enjoy a good conversation of differing opinions between two people, I enjoy politely arguing with someone, i enjoy being pushed to my limits, i enjoy having to stay on my toes. I mean don't get me wrong, i want to see eye to eye on somethings, but if its on everything- I get bored.
I am so amazed about all the people that God brings into my life... I am starting to be able to see things in my life and why there are there, why things are they way they are.
I am realizing my feelings are not my feelings, I am a source for God to work thru, and just a mere puppet to satan... It is a constant battle between the two for me. I love the Lord whole heart and soul but I give into weakness and I pay the consequences... but the amazing part, is even when I am down... even when I feel the most desperate, the most torn down, I praise my Lord, because i know it will bring me closer to him. I can see how even something I would love to happen, when it doesn't and even tho I am so disappointed, I can see why God didn't let that happen, he didn't let satan win that... because if that thing would have happened... it would have been horrible. yea i am sad but I am more content knowing the my God loves me that much to protect me.
God is Awesome. PERIOD.