Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Rambles and such

I have been wanting to post for forever.  

It always seems that as soon as I sit down to start writing, my mind just goes blank and my fingers just can't seem to move across the keyboard. So then I log out and go onto something else. 

My life motto seems to be anymore "Ready for the day to be done". 

I hate wishing my life away. I just so feel like I am stuck in a rut. Like I am in a big mud pit and my wheels just can't get traction. 

I feel like I am going through all the motions of every day life... but I just can't break free from this... this... plastic bag over my head... that I am slowly suffocating in. 

I don't know what to do or how to stop it.  

So many things in my life are not how I ever expected them to be right now. 

The one thing I know is that God has a plan for me... still not sure exactly what it is... but I know He's got one. I know that He loves me and is always with me through everything that I am going through. 

My husband keeps telling me that he  doesn't think I have full accepted my dad passing.. or that I have fully grieved.  Its like, I have greived as much as I can. I miss him terribly. I know he's not coming back.. it don't fully seem real, but I know it is. Death is a part of life.  But I can't stop for a moment to grieve.  I can't even get a day off to be sick with out the house falling apart lol.  I can't allow myself to wallow is sadness and depression... and that is super hard. 

I am depressed. I am on meds and they help tons, but I am still depressed. I think that is part of the reason that I feel the way I do... like I am stuck in a rut... because its like I am always in this thick fog of depression. And I don't know maybe its as bad as it is because of my dad passing... but I really think there is a lot more too it. 

This has been the first Major Holiday with out my dad. It was really hard.  Normally the day after Thanksgiving I had my dad and our grandma over for dinner. I cook a big turkey with all the fixins. And this year I just didn't do it.  I had to work anyway... but I just don't think I could do it. On my facebook time line it keeps showing me the pics of my dad at thanksgiving at my house. Its sad. I miss him a lot. 

I feel like, if I could just get a day or two alone... at home...  no kids, no husband- just me. And I could clean, organize, purge, nap, rest, be with God.... that maybe my mind and my heart with get aligned a little bit better and I could get out of this fog...  But that is not going to happen any time soon... so I just have to make due with what I get. 

Anywho... I need to get to work and get things done. 

Thank you for listening to me ramble on... 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama 

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