Overthinking Mama: no title

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

no title

I sneak off down the hallway with my coffee cup in hand.. hoping that no one notices me.. hoping no one is in the break room or the bathrooms. I don’t want to be seen. Not like this, because I know if one person sees the tears welling up in my eyes, I will lose it. The flood gates will open.

I make it into the bathroom without anyone noticing.. but then I see myself in the mirror. I see the sadness in my eyes that I feel in the very depths of my soul and I can’t hold back any long. I want to scream but I have to hold it in. I am at work. I have to pretend I am ok. I drop down to my knees and silently call out to God. “Lord Help ME!!! I can’t do this Lord, I can’t handle this pain, this sadness anymore. I can’t do this. I don’t know what to do. I can’t do this. This is too much for me to bear. Lord help me!!!”

It feels like there is a hand grabbing onto my heart, pulling it, squeezing it tighter and tighter. Its hard to breath. Its hard to focus, to work, to be normal.

I am tired of pretending everything is ok. I am tired of putting on this smile that I am happy. I am fine. I am ok. I am tired of waking up every morning, hoping that if I have the right outfit on, the my hair and make up are just right, I will be ok today. Every thing will be ok.

If it wasn’t for my kids, I think right now I would walk out of work.. out of my life… not caring. Not worrying.. and just drive. Fill up my tank and drive. South. Warmth. I need a change. I need a break. I need something different. I need to start over. I am tired of the pressure. Of the responsibility. But I can’t say that. Not to anyone. Not out loud… I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am a worker. I have to keep it all together. I have to make sure everything is ok for everyone else, yet inside, I am crumbling. I have to be responsible for the choices I have made in my life. I chose to have two beautiful kids. I chose to raise them alone. I chose to buy the house and the car. I made the choices and now I have to be responsible for it. And I will be, because that is me, that is who I am.

I know God has a plan for me. I know He is with me.. and I think knowing that, is one of the few things that has kept me somewhat sane. That having the faith in Him had kept me going on, kept me thinking that eventually everything will be ok. I just wish I knew when. Knew that this pain is only going to last another week.. another month.. to have some kind of end to this.. its been off and on for as long as I can remember.. but really being bad for the last year. This last year has been the worse I have ever felt. Ever. I am scared to think about how much I’ll have to endure.

Sometimes I wish that I had some major problem with me.. drug addict, alcoholic… idk something.. then people could see it’s a problem.. not just oh she’s sad again. Oh she’s not happy with her life. If I had her life I would be so happy. She just needs to be happy, realize how blessed she is. She needs to do this or that. Yea. Its not that easy. Or tell me I should go to the doctor and get pills. Or I should do this or that… its not that easy. I can’t really afford it. I don’t want to go on a pill that is going to make me feel worse than I do now. I have before. I don’t want to go back to that.

I just want someone there for me. I know my friends and family are there. Emotionally, physically… but my kids.. my house.. my bills.. its my burden. Not theirs. If my house burns down, yea, I’ll have a place to stay, but it’s my stuff that’s gone. My roof needs repaired and yea, they are willing to help, but in the end, I’m the one who needs to make sure its gets done. I just want someone to share this burden with me. someone who can be scared with me, someone who will lose everything with me, someone who will work for something because it’s for them too… not just for me.

And Idk maybe I am explaining all of this wrong, cuz it seems like most people don’t get me.. or what I am going thru. This hopelessness. This loneliness.