One of my friends from facebook text me the other day to say how he thought that my other friend is absolutely gorgeous. So I relayed the info... helped them exchange phone numbers.. have played the in between girl for them.. and I am soooo happy for both of them.. I think I happier for them to find each other than I am for myself finding someone. Lol. But today, even tho I am still happy, I am also slightly jealous. Not jealous that she has him or anything like that.. but I think jealous of the fact that I have the outside view looking in.. I see him being all giddy over her.. and her being giddy over him.. and I wonder if I ever will have that. Its hard for me to be giddy over some one. It hard for me to let myself get excited because it always seems that as soon as I do, boom the guy changes or moves on and then im sitting there stuck on stupid and trying to figure out what I did wrong.. and trying to pick up the pieces of my heart.
That happened just recently. A gentleman that I had been texting and talking to for a month and a half.. we got closer and closer and I let myself feel something for him. Got excited when he would call me, or when he would text me. The way he looked at me when he would kiss me gave me butterflies. Something I hadn't felt in a while. Then one night we hung out, watched a movie, snuggled up on the couch and then the next day everything was different and I have barely heard from him since then. A text here or there, but nothing like it was, so I do my thing and back away too. I don't chase after a man. If he doesn't want me, then fine. I wont ever force myself on anyone. Ever.
So now, I just sit here, and wonder, what did I do wrong?? What is wrong with me?? Am I crazy?? Because this seems to keep happening. So maybe it is. Maybe I need to just learn to be happy single. Maybe that is my life. Never to be in love.. never to have another child. I don't know what God has planned for my life, but I guess I need to learn to accept what He gives me. I know he is using everything in my life to make me the person He needs me to be.. I know he has a purpose for me.
Blessings N Love