This past weekend was a down one for me. On the outside you really wouldn't have know too much. Just that maybe I didn't smile as quickly. That I was off in dreamland a little bit more. That I was just a little bit more quiet than usual. I still went along with my weekend plans like I normally would. Friday night, went out with some friends. Saturday had baseball practice and then bowling with a couple friends and all of our kids and then a cook out and movies with the friends and kids (total of 8 kids!) Sunday we had church and cleaning the house up and doing everything I needed to do. I fought off tears most of the time. Excused myself and went to the bathroom and dried my eyes when the deep sadness got to much.
Most people have no idea to what degrees I am depressed at times. I don't tell many people, because I don't want to burden them with my issues. They all seem to have all this other things going on in their life.. and even when I just share a little bit with some people.. it almost seems to go in one ear and out the other because they are so consumed with what is going on in their own life. So I press on. I know I will shake it in a few days. I will keep praying, having my time with God and I will make it thru.
I don't want to burden people because this is something that I go thru often.. about 1x a month.. sometimes more... sometimes less. I don't want to be a cry baby. I don't want people to see me as weak or that all I do is complain. So I back away a bit and keep on keeping on.
I am always the friend that is there for everyone. I stop what I am doing to listen to their problems. I push my problems away and face theirs with them hand in hand. I love that I am able to be that friend to them. That I am the one they come to when they are down.
When I became a Christian I was hoping that with Christ, I would always be blissfully happy.. But its been the opposite. I mean don't get me wrong, I am so happy. Deep down I am happy. But now that I am a Christian, I see more wrong in the world. I see how I have sinned where I am still sinning. My heart breaks for my friends that don't know Christ and that keep making the same choices over and over again. My heart breaks for my choices that even knowing they are wrong, I keep making them. As a Christian, its that much harder for me to find a husband. I have more wants and desires in a man now. And it makes finding a good man that will accept me and the bad choices that I have made in my past that much harder.. BUT with Christ I know I have someone with me. I have a best friend. I have a protector. I have a future. I have Love. I have promise. I wouldn't trade that for all the blissful happiness in the world. HE and HE alone has softened my heart. He has made me feel.. He has opened my eyes. But I have faith in HIM. It will get better. The sadness will go away. The love and happiness will surround me because of HIM!!!
Blessings N Love