dear ex

Dear Ex,
On impulse I write to you now... today... as I try and heal.  Try and feel worthwhile.

So many times I think about us. The time we have shared. The love we had. The love I fought so hard for... the love I gave up so much for.

I replay moments.  Moments where you held me so close, looked deep into my eyes, and I felt so loved.  I felt so complete.  I knew you wanted me. I knew you loved me.  We were one.

I replay moments. Moments where I cried myself to sleep because you made it obvious that watching that basketball game was more important than me.  And even when I begged you to please come to bed, come hold me... still nothing... or when I would come out at 3am and you were asleep on the couch and I would ask you to come to bed, you will insist you were still watching that game... and again for a second time that night, cry myself to sleep.

And now... now you want me back.. And a part of me wants you.  A part of me wants that love we once had... but now, now I am broken.  Broken from you.. and broken from every man since you.  I have searched for love... searched to be wanted, to be desired by every. single. man since you... only to come up short.  Only to feel used, worthless, and empty.  I gave myself to men to easily, just to feel wanted , even if for a breif moment.  

I don't blame you for any of this. We both have our demons.  And as much as I love you, I can't go back to that... I can't go back in fear of reliving this all over again.   I am weak.  But I am mending.  I have the Lord by my side.  I am learning I am worthy because of Him. I am learning HE loves me not inspite of my past... but because of my past.

And even tho my heart still hurts thinking about all of this... all of our struggles and even all of our love... and even as the tears run down my cheeks thinking of this...  I forgive you.  

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama