Thursday, May 31, 2012

whats wrong?

I just don't get it.

I don't get what is wrong with me?

Why am I not married yet?? or hell at least dating someone?

I see so many of my friends from highschool and prior, happily married.  I see so many people just out and about, skinny, fat, ugly, pretty, happily with someone... and yet.. here I am.. ALONE.

As I type this up, I cry... run to the bathroom so no one will see... and come back and try and finish my thoughts before I tear up again.

Why am I not good enough for someone?  Why am I not worthy of marriage?

Seems like the only guys that do seem to want me, either a/only want me for my body or b/have some major issue that I can not deal with in my life.

Right now, I am numb... towards every man, I am numb.

This past summer, I played into the game of the "a" set of guys...  I flirted. I gave myself too freely... I just wanted to feel wanted. Wanted to feel desired... I didn't care if they loved me or not. I didn't care that they were just using me... because honestly I was just using them too.  Using them, to make me feel better about myself.  Man after man I felt better for a moment. Bragged to my friends that so and so wants me... so and so this and so and so that... and I felt good.. wanted...  but in reality I was still empty.

It took a major wake up call for me to learn that and I know it was God working and I am so thankful for that.  At that moment I cut all those men out of my life... and I haven't looked back.

But now.. now I feel so empty.  I feel unwanted.  The few men that I have let in my life in the past few months because they said they cared about me.. not for my body but for me... I feel I can't really trust with my heart.  One isn't in a place where we could actually have a relationship and the other doesn't know if he can be in a realtionship. So where does that leave me?  Sitting here writing a blog post about it.  And so to any other man. I am numb.

I am left questioning myself.  Questioning what is wrong with me.

I know I am an amazing woman. That I would make a wonderful girlfriend/wife. I am strong, supportive, loving, devoted. I have a good heart, a nice body, decent looking. I don't need a man to support me, I can take care of myself and my kids.  I have a an open mind and an open heart.  Yes, I have a past, I have two kids by two different men, been divorced, had both kids out of wedlock... but does that mean I don't deserve a great man??  I feel like it does. That the negative things about me out weigh the good.

I know I don't need a man.  But I want someone to share my life with.   To come to when I need a hug to be told "I love you baby"...  someone to understand me... to support me.  I am tired of doing it all alone.  I am worn out.

I know I am a child of God. I know I am wonderful and I hate myself for doubting me...  I keep praying on it, I know God is with me, holding my hand and our hearts break together.

so my next goals...  meet with my doctor about getting put on some type of anti-depressants because I can not handle this battle of my heart anymore.  and two contact my church and see what counseling options they have, because I need some help.

I do have faith that God has a plan.  I am just so tired of hurting.

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama 

1 comment:

  1. This makes me sad to read :( I started taking Lexapro after my ex and I broke up and I honestly can't imagine going back to not taking it. I suppose years of therapy and hard work could have the same affect this drug has on me but who want's to go through all that! I guess it could be argued that anti-depressants are the lazy way out, but I don't care what people think :) Hope you are feeling better and you know I am hear for you if you need me.


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