Realization Friday

I have come to realize:

~ I am not as nosey as I used to be about peoples myspace and facebook pages
~ I enjoy being busy at work or at home
~ i find time for my blogs but not always time for emails to friends
~ that I like being the only one at work
~ that idiotic people irritate me
~ I love God more and more everyday
~ I have an odd sense of humor
~ that my realization thoughts are repetitive
~ that I used to be a good speller
~ when I am nervous I rub my hands together
~ I have too many animals
~ I have a lot of good plans- just very little follow thru
~ I can be a procrastinator
~ I am extra crabby when I am tired

Past...

At church yesterday, one of the members got up and talked to us about a hard time he had had in his life. He gave us this quote from Warren Wiersbe: "...the past must be a rudder to guide us in the future and not an anchor to hold us back..." . That really hit home for me.


The previous night I spent crying. I had no kids, yet nothing to do... except think, and think I did... about my past, about my hurt, and I dwelled on that hurt... till it consumed me... and till this day I am still depressed from it. I was up till about 330am crying and thinking unable to sleep. Feeling so alone in this world dwelling on my past.


My past has become an anchor.


My past is holding me back from living. From loving. From beingcompletely happy.

I still hurt from my past...

I have come to realize... i am in mourning... mourning over my life... my past.. my friends... and how things are changing...

I am realizing that the friends and the life I have had is slowly drifting away... and to a point it makes me sad... also makes me a little nervous about what the future is going to bring...
I need to realize that situations are changing, that the people in my life are changing...
I need to realize that I have kids, some people arent' going to wanna deal with kids or with me having to get a sitter. I need to realize that I am single... so I am not going to be invited to things where there are all couples. I need to realize that I am a Christian and some people arent going to wanna be around that.
I need to realize that I can't dwell on these things so much. That I need to dwell on the Lord for my happiness and not everyone else. That I have a GREAT future planned out for me by my Father...
I wonder where my path will lead me...

Hurt

I was on my way into work yesterday... and my ex was texting me. Telling me he loves me and he wants me back. And I love him so much... there is not a day that goes by that I dont think about him, that i dont miss him. Then I remember the pain and the hurt that he has caused me. I think he cheated on me. Maybe not physically or sexually. But while me and him were still together and even tho we were in the midst of knowing it was over, he was trying to get with his ex's and when we split, he moved in with one. To this day he denys any of that, and to this day he lies about the whole situation. When I try and ask him about he changes the subject, ignores the question or just says that I am crazy. (his fav. line for me). But this still hurts me so bad. And even as I write this right now~ I can feel my chest tightening up, that ball begining to form in the base of my tummy, my heart heavy, and the tears starting to form... and I dont wanna cry again... not here, not now... but I know its inevitable because I hurt. He hurt me. and two years later, I am still not over that hurt and that pain and I wonder if I ever will be completely.
And so this makes me think about my ex-husband. Me and him dated for 8 or 9 years, we had a son together, a house, a life. And I cheated on him, before we were ever married, I cheated on him. People ask my why I did it. I dont have a clear answer for them. Because the opportunity was there. Because I was searching for something. Because I was wanting more love, more attention. I dont know really. But I hurt him. I damaged our relationship, and I damaged his heart. Till this day, I still bear that burden of what I did to him, and maybe that is why I hurt so badly from my ex hurting me, I am punishing myself that much more because of what I did to my exhusband. My exhusband was a good man. He loved me more than anything, more than he should have. I was his soulmate. and I hurt him, and he didnt deserve it.
I think he's moved on since then. He's remarried to a good woman. Has a life and a family with her. But this still haunts me till this day... for a while in my life while and right after we divorsed, I was able to move on, to not think about it but it always came back to me. When I was having low moments in my life, I would think about what I did to him, how much I hurt him and I would hurt that much more on top of what I was hurting. But I felt I deserved that pain, this was my punishment, this was karma coming back on me. And to a point even till this day, I feel I deserve the pain and the hurt because of what I put my exhusband thru. He didnt deserve that. He deserved love. Just like I deserved love when my ex hurt me.


**disclaimer: Sorry if any of this is confusing. I just started typing, my thoughts just started pouring out. I have a hard time keeping my thougths in a straight path, they always jump around... So I apologize... :-)

Realization Fridays-2

Ive come to realize:

~ I suck at remembering to write down my thoughts all week to update this.
~ I do have jealousy issues
~ that manybe the way I hurt now, is kinda the way my exhusband hurt
~ I have lust issues
~ that everyone isn't like me
~ that I am just as guilty at judging people-even tho I try very hard not to and I try even harder to not let it effect my way of thinking about them
~ I am obsessed with twitter
~ I think about what I should blog about every single day
~ that when it seems like people in my life dont have time for me, I withdrawl from them to a point
~ I am easily influenced
~ I am easily distracted
~ that my friends must really trust me
~ i have a very sensitive nose- to some things
~ I totally suck at budgetting my money

Others

Im sitting here at work... Just in another blah type mood. The Blah type mood seems to be a norm for me here lately.
I dont care for my job. I feel overwhelmed with things- bills, home duties, etc. I feel lonely. I feel unsatisfied. I feel there is so much else out there for me. I feel I am in the need of change, but don't even know where to begin with that.

I have made some new friends via twitter. And God has shown how wonder and how mysterious his ways can be via twitter... I have definetely seen small things that God has blessed me with just thru twitter.
And I have been following a few blogs on blogger. There is one in particular that I read from time to time, and I follow the author on twitter also.
http://littleoneapril.blogspot.com/
Ill be completely honest... I can not read her posts day to day. I tears at my heart so much. I read her blog and my heart goes out to her. I feel a love for her just because of this blog, yet I dont even know her- just her story. She is going through a very hard situation... yet her love for the Lord is still so strong! She is a true inspiration. Here I am complaining about my life, my petty issues and she is struggling day to day with reality of life and people, but the Lord is still so ever present in her daily life, her thoughts, and especially in her heart!!
I pray for only the best for this woman, becuase she is someone that truely deserves it.

My issues seem so petty compared to hers. Yet, I still let them control my emotions and my thoughts on a daily basis.
I pray that more and more the Lord will help me how to put my life into a better perspective and dwell on all that He has blessed me with and not what I do not have.

A memory from a 3yr old

My first memory that I can recall... I believe I was about 3 years old.
It was with my Grandpa. My moms dad.
I remember my Grandpa chasing me around his house... always saying he was going to wash my feet... a joke between me and him which I cant really remember where it stemmed from...
I remember there was a step down from his kitchen to family room and his family room looped into his dining room and then there was a step up into the kitchen from there also.
He would chase me from the kitchen to the family room to the dining room and then back into the kitchen. I remember that the whole family (my mom, dad, and grandpa) all smoked heavily... and as the sunlight would come into the window you could see it in the smoke. The sunlit smoke area were "danger" zones and had to be avoided.

I also remember being about 4yrs old and going over there with my mom to check on my Grandpa because they hadn't heard from him all day... My dad and brother stayed in the car... I wanna say we had either a blue or green color car then... I went in with my mom... and their lying on the floor of the kitchen was my Grandpa. He had passed away... I don't remember any emotions or anything about it... Just that my mom told me to go out and get my dad and to stay in the car with my brother... I dont remember doing that... i dont remember the funeral... i do remember my mom and her siblings up in the attic of his house arguing over who was goign to get what... and I thought i was so special because i was up in the attic with them... a place i was never aloud to go.
and for the first time... just now... i thought: I wonder how my mom felt... finding her father on the floor dead? wow.

The point.

It was a great weekend once again... spent wonderful time with my kids and today with my bff.
I was just thinking here (imagine that... me sitting here thinking!) about church today...
I love my church so much! I was looking for a church for so long.... Probably about 3 or 4 years... but mainly the last 2years... After my ex's neice past away... something hit inside me and told me I needed to go to church... But pretty much the effort of me finding a church was me sitting on my couch saying I needed to find a church... Here and there i would go to a new church and that would be about it... I would pray that the Lord would show me what church to go to.... but nothing really happened... And pretty much this is the way it stayed for awhile... Then I met a guy... nice guy... things were great and he told me about the church he went to a while back for bible study... and suggested maybe we go there one sunday... so I said sure... so sunday after sunday passed and we never went. Neither of us (especially him) were morning people... finally one sunday in August I said we were going and with or with out him... i was going to church... so we got up and we went to his church. It was a different service that morning... the youth group just got back from a trip and were telling all about it that morning... so to me it was a good church... but... yea... needless to say we didnt make it up and out of bed again to go to church. Me and him split about a month and a half later... and again I wanted to go to church... but that was about all it was. It just seemed like too big of a task to get two kids up and ready in the morning then have to watch them and make sure they werent getting into trouble and really not even get to pay attention to the service... it wasnt worth it..
So Christmas came around. And I decided that I really wanted to go to church... I was going to go for Christmas eve service no matter what... I changed the plans that I had with my family to go to dinner, a tradition that we have had for many years now, and told them I was going to church. They could come with me or I could meet them afterward, but I was going to church... So that day I emailed two churchs to find out if and when there Christmas eve services were... only one replyed back. My Church. So that is where we went... and I guess you can say the rest is history. I have been going there ever since... and at every service, I feel truely blessed that I found this church... no I cant say that, I feel blessed that God found this church for me. I can see how he brought a man into my life for a purpose (probably one of many) of showing me this church. Introducing me to this church, because I know that if it werent for this man coming into my life, I NEVER would have found it, I wouldnt have gotten baptised last Feb., I wouldnt be going ever Sunday, and I wouldnt be who I am today.
It is amazing to look back and pin point something that God has specifially done in my life!!!
PRAISE GOD!!!