Thursday, October 28, 2010

Another day...

Feeling a little bit better today Got up a lil earlier today and did some yoga. Tho I couldnt get the Christoga DVD to work right so I just did some positions from memory and talked with God.  It was good. Still stressed tho with the morning routine and Baby Girl crying for no reason and when I ask her whats wrong, she just looks at me. I hate not being answered.. *pet peeve*
I just need to let go of my stesses, my anxiety, and the over whelmed feeling I have been having the last couple days deep breaths and happy thoughts that way I dont end up punching someone.
Tomorrow we are meeting with the doc to see what the long term care plans are for my step-mom. Not really sure what to expect, but I am going if nothing else to be there for my dad, since I really havent been able to be there for him like I would like.

Here day 2 of the 30 days of Me/Truths:
Something I love about myself:
I could say that this is an easy one because its not hard cept that there is a lot about myself that I love. I would have to say right now in my life I am for the most part, pretty happy with myself.. physically, mentally, spiritually, etc
I love how I can pretty much get along with anyone from someone who completely stabbed me in the back, to someone who betrayed me just to get with the man I was with, to my exs new girlfriend/wife whatever. I dont hold grudges and I get overthings depending on what it is,depend on how long it takes me but I would rather get along than hold onto that evil feeling disliking someone makes me feel.
People think I am crazy for some of the people I will associate with from time to time but eh. Its me! J
I love that I can normally see different sides of every situation or problem. Now, sometimes I have too much of my heart in the situation that its hard for me think rationally but normally I can try and understand why someone does what they do even if its not right.. I can rationalize why they might do it. Which is not always a good thing, especially when you are getting screwed over and you rationalize on why they did it and make it seem not as bad as it really is.
That I am kinda a go with the flow type of person.. most of the time.. I will admit that I get anal about somethings.. I need to know times. Plans. Etc but most of the time If something comes up, I just kinda go with it. I guess a lot of that has come to be because I have had plans cancelled on or changed so many times you get used to the disappointment. Lol.
That I am pretty open minded about most things (I rationalize lol)
That my relationship with God gets better and better all the time and even when things dont go my way, I know that there is a higher reason behind things that I may not always see. God is good and He loves me more than anyone else does. With out God. I would be nothing.
That I am always trying to think of a ways to better myself and make some more money. A lot of my friends think I am crazy for this because seriously in the last 3 years I have sold things for :
Linen World- household items
Mia Bella- Candles
Charmed Moments- jewelry
Glamorosity- purses
Tastefully Simple- food
Mark.- make up.
Ebay store- electronics, random things.
And I am always thinking up different business ventures that I could get into coffee, clothing, stun guns, photography, scanning documents, etc..  sadly tho, I dont have the best follow thru when it comes to my own business One day heres hoping.. all depends on what Gods plan is for me.
That I am still positive about my future. I have this really really really strong feeling that God has a great purpose for me and my life I havent figure out exactly what it is and maybe its just to be a wife and mother or maybe its to be more but I know, I have a God given purpose.

OK.. I will stop with that, since it seems I have wrote a book..

God Bless yall
Overthinking Mama

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I need something to cheer me up...

I don’t know exactly what my deal is today… but I am in a crabby mood. Maybe its because I am still sleep? Maybe because I have so much that needs to be done and I have no way to get it done? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. 
I need someone to come and cheer me up. L 

I was checking out a few different blogs and I came across this one by Mandy at She Breathes Deeply.  She is an amazing and beautiful Christian woman.  I am seriously in awe by her.  She is doing a 30days of Truth on her blog and I thought it was a great idea… So I have decided to do that too.. (along with all the other things I have started and not finished with this blog) .. hopefully tho, this is one I will continue with J

These are the subjects:
Day 1: Something you hate about yourself. 
Day 2: Something you love about yourself. 
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for. 
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do. 
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for. 
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like poopy. 
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. 
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. 
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on. 
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on. 
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.) 
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter) 
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. 
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without. 
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. 
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage. 
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? 
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol. 
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? 
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. 
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life. 
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) 
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today. 
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? 
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now? 
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. 
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

So- Day 1: Something I hate about myself…

HHMM>.. let me think on that….
I guess there are a few things that I really dislike about myself.. I can’t go as far as hate.  Hate is a really strong word to me. J
I dislike that I am not satisfied with my life the way it is. I feel like there is so much more out there for me. God has a plan for me and I have yet to figure out what it is or where I am supposed to go.  I feel like my life should/could be so much more “perfect” than what it is. I know my life is “perfect” to some people… but then when I see other’s life… I wish it were mine. L  I am not saying that I would change anything about my life. I love my kids, my family and especially my God… but sometimes I just feel like I could be doing more in my life… if that makes sense.
I dislike the fact that I am not a better Christian.  And this one I have noone else to blame but myself.  I slack when it comes to that.  I don’t go to church often enough… well I havn’t been since I think Easter, mainly because by the time Sunday comes… I can’t seem to find the energy to get out of bed, and even if I am out of bed, I don’t have the energy to get up dressed, the kids up and dressed and out of the house to church.  I haven’t been going to Life Group/Bible study like I would like. Its only every other Friday and I can’t even seem to make that. We have had 3 or 4 now and I have only made it to one.  I don’t read my bible like I should. I pray all the time, but not like I would like. I am wanting to get into Christian Yoga and yea I did good for awhile… I am back to slacking again. I just can’t seem to get myself up in the mornings to do it. 
I dislike how I am always tired. No matter what I do, how much I sleep, what I eat. I am always tired. I hate it. I feel that because I am tired and don’t have the energy I am crabby more often and don’t get done the things that I would like to get done. This is something that I don’t know what to do to improve. L I’ve started taking vitamins about a month ago.. but again, I slacked and forgot to do that regularly.
I dislike how I can so easily find and remember the negative in everything. I try and think positive… I tell others to think positive.. but deep down, I am thinking negative.
And I dislike how insecure I can be sometimes… always wondering why me? why am I so special that he will stay with me, or that they want to be friends with me, or that they will do this for me?? why me?? 

Well that’s what I can think of off hand… hopefully I will continue with this J

God Bless

Overthinking Mama 

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

things that make me go ggrr.

A few things from this past week just really have made me go grrr…
-My ex called me up to let me know when he was picking up our son for the weekend… and he proceeded to tell me that  Lil Man was telling him that I go to school every night and that he doesn’t get to see me all that often.  So my ex says- so he doesn’t have either of his parents. He’s being raised by his grandparents. He doesn’t get to see either of his parents on a regular basis. 
Ok.. maybe I took it the wrong way… but it really irked me…  first of all dude.. who are you to sit there and judge me because I am going back to school???   Because I am bettering MY life. Because I am trying to be a role model for MY children??  I don’t see you switching to day shift so you can get our son during the evenings when I am in school… or even to be able to get him on Fridays instead of Saturday mornings?? I still do see our son every single day. I get him up every single morning and I put him to bed every single night. No, its not as much time as I would like to get to spend with my son… but I am still doing it.  I am sorry that my life ain’t exactly what you think it should be but it is what it is.  Deal with it. and leave some of the smart ass comments to yourself. They are really getting annoying. I hate that we are at this point of our relationship… but I will turn into miss bitch if I need to because I am tired of it. I don’t know if you are unhappy or what the deal is… but I don’t call you up and tell you everything that our son’s says about when he’s with you. Sometimes things are better off unsaid.. If its not hurting him then why make  it into something bigger than it needs to be… wait. You like doing that.
-To the contractors that fixed my floors… really?? Wth!! I finally rec. the revised bill yesterday… and really?? First of all it took you 4 months to figure out exactly what it is that I should owe you?? And then aint it amazing that it is exactly what I got from the insurance company… but hhmm.. wait… unless you lied to me… the flooring that I decided on to be put down.. cost LESS than what the insurance company allotted to me… Yet YOU are charging me exactly what the insurance company paid out??!! Why doesn’t this add up to me?? And you don’t even send me a detailed bill.. hhmm.. seems like you are hiding something… I will be calling you this week… and I wll be asking for that detailed bill… and I will be expecting you to provide that to me… in a language that I can understand… period. Otherwise… we will have an issue on our hand for payment.
-Cws… its 50 degrees outside… we really don’t need the a/c on… really… esp. if I have my space heater on… I am starting to think you turn the a/c on JUST BECAUSE I have my heater on…  sorry… a/c is only gonna make me turn my little itty bitty heater up higher.
-And also while we are on that subject… you can answer the phone too.. its not ONLY my job. Yea, it used to be… but not anymore.. yet, I am the only one to do it.
- People that say they are my friends… hhmm.. really?? You know I am going thru all kinds of stress right now.. and yet, I can’t even get a text or email or nothing saying “how are you” , “how are things” , “how’s life” , “hows your stepmom” NOTHING!! Yet, you say you my best friends… you say you care about me.. you say you are not upset or mad at me.. you say you say you say.. but words are meaningless unless you can show that they are true. Yet, when you need me there for you because your g/f or b/f left your behind… who did you come to?? Who did you ask for help?? Who was there to comfort you??  Yea. ME. yet. When I am in need… I guess that don’t mean too much. But its fine. Ive learned.. and ya know what. Even tho it bothers me and it hurts me… Ill be fine… I am working on forgiving you.. and I will still be there for you when you need me.
- Life… I need a pause button please. Or maybe at least a slow.
-People- if you call me… and I don’t answer- leave a message. Or send a text.. or you can do both.. but don’t.. please don’t.. call again 5 sec later and think that I will be able to answer then… and then 5 sec later and 5 sec later… ok.. call maybe 2x at most!! If I don’t answer.. obviouisly I am busy or can’t answer… don’t keep calling!!
- Sitters!! Really?? Theres none where I live!! Wth!?  If I place an ad on craigslist.. and I list MY city… normally that would be that’s where I need a sitter!! Oh and if your name is bad chic or crazy girl or imabitch on your email… don’t expect a reply back from me to watch my kids… be professional!! Please.

I guess that’s all for now… maybe ill vent more later!! Ugh. 

Monday, October 25, 2010

Just thinking on a MOnday..

Its Monday and well.. I dunno. I am in one of those thinking moods Not really so much overthinking just thinking. Lol.
I had a great weekend with my BF. We finally had a night alone. Just us. No kids. We havent had that in well, a long time. It was really nice. We went to a haunted house and I was leary. Most of the haunted houses dont scare me, but this one was pretty good. I actually got scared and so did my BF J  It was great. Then we came home and watched a couple of movies and snuggled on the couch with the candles lit and the fireplace going. It was really nice and relaxing. Just what I needed! J Sunday tho, I felt like a chicken running around with my head cut off but I guess it was all good. 
Today, I just kinda feel like writing. I have so much on my mind, but not sure how much I can write on here because too many people read this that I am not sure how they would react to it and honestly I am not in the mood to deal with it.  Sometimes I just need to vent, and I dont think certain people get that that I am just releasing my brain on here and not always being personal, or critical, or anything like that I just need that release.. cuz I really dont have anyone to talk to I know I have my mom and my bff and my sister but sometimes what I need to talk about effects them or I know that they have their own things or are to busy so I dont feel like I can always go to them.  So this is my next bff. Lol. and I think sometimes, its taken more than what it is and then I have to go and explain myself and all that.. .and really that is just more work and more stress than need be and its not always worth it ugh. Oh well..
Here to a great week.
God Bless. 

Thursday, October 21, 2010

its been crazy

It’s just been, well, crazy.
Crazy at work. Crazy at home. Just crazy everywhere!! Ugh.
It’s been over a week since I’ve posted anything because it’s just been that crazy!!
My step-mom is still in the hospital. She is doing better. Doing good with the chemo. They took her off the ventilator for a few moments the other day and she did ok, but not as good as we would have liked. But she is a fighter and will get better.
Last weekend, I was at the boyfriend’s house and helped him and his dad paint a few rooms. We were up till 3am on Saturday trying to do everything and still didn’t get it all done. Sunday I had homework and he really didn’t want to work on painting all weekend so it was the day off... lol. But I didn’t get much homework done because I ended up with a migraine and was sick feeling most of the day. So that meant Monday on my lunch I had to write a 2-3 page paper that was due that evening in class. I got it done. Not good. But done. Lol.  I had to revise it then and turn it in yesterday. 
My sis and I (well mainly my sis) is having issues with our parents’ finances... mainly because we can’t access any of their accounts to pay bills because we don’t have a power of attorney. So she’s stressing about that… and I am too.
My house is a mess. I just haven’t had the energy nor time really to get anything done.  It’s not as bad as it could be… but I hate the way it is right now. I like my house to be nice and neat and its not. 
I have algebra homework to do on my lunch today.  L
I have all kinds of things to do for work today.
And I am still trying to find a sitter!! Who knew it would be so difficult!! I guess mainly its cuz it’s a part-time as needed job… but still, you would think someone would be in need of $$ or something. I don’t know. I am just really getting frustrated! I have been lucky with my mom having Tuesdays and Thursdays off and my sister being up here and being able to watch my daughter too… but starting next week, that luck ran out and I don’t have anyone to watch her and I don’t know what to do. Ugh.  Hopefully something comes up.
I have bible study tomorrow night, which I am looking forward to. And I feel like I have a ton of things that I want/need to get done this weekend… but then part of me just thinks screw it… and rest. So we will see… 
I need a vacation. 
This was my view on my way to work this morning... God is so amazing! 

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Harry potter

My bf's daughter has to make a life size model of a main character she did her book report on. She did Harry Potter.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


I may not be average
I may be pretty
It may not be love
It may be lust
It may not last
It may keep going
I may not be sad
I may be happy
I may not know
I may care

I will live in each moment
I will cherish each thought

Every memory is precious
Even if it was not
Every picture taken is a
Moment frozen in time

I will have my camera ready
Every moment counts 

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


my new tat


 *** added a few more pic.. for some reason they didnt upload the first time..

Monday, October 11, 2010

He looks so mean!!

this is what I seen when I looked outside...

He's guarding his home!! 

He's one smart cookie... i guess

Friday, October 8, 2010

A very hard day!

I didn’t realize how hard yesterday was going to be.

Let me fill ya in. Less than a month ago, my step-mom was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. Tuesday of this week she went in for her first radiation treatment. Wednesday she went to the ER because she was having trouble breathing and was coughing up blood. They admitted her, found she has a blockage in her lungs and fluid is backing up.  They put her in a induced coma, and put a tube down her throat to help her breath and help drain out all the fluid.  She is supposed to go to a different hospital for surgery as soon as there is a bed ready for her.

I went up yesterday to see her. I dropped my daughter off with my sister and she took her over to our grandmas where my dad and our other sister was and I headed up to the hospital to see her… alone. This is something that I would never recommend doing..if you are ever in this situation, please take someone with you for support. I was lucky enough to have a really nice/kind nurse walk in and hug me and comfort me and even tried to make me laugh by making fun of me for wearing winter boots when its 75 degrees outside (in my defence it was like 40 when I left for work in the morning and I really didn’t have any other shoes that I felt like wearing) 

I was nervous to begin with going up to the hospital. I hadn’t been to this hospital in probably 10 years. Not since my dad had back surgery when I was in high school. I hate going to new places, especially alone and trying to find my way around. But I made it. I found the MICU area and I found her room.  I was fighting back tears all the way there but I did manage to hold my composure. When I got in the room and see her though… I couldn’t be the strong girl anymore… I started crying..  I didn’t know it would be so hard to see her laying there… asleep… with tubes in her mouth, down her throat breathing for her, sucking out all of the nasty black liquid/blood from her lungs, seeing her catheter tube draining all the dark cloudy urine in to the bag.  Hearing the machine whizzing next to her bed pumping air in and out of her lungs for her… the IV machines filling her veins with the medicines to help keep her hydrated and fight any infections… the monitors beeping, taking her pulse, her temperature, her blood pressure. It was overwhelming.  I didn’t realize it would be that hard.. I didn’t think I would be that emotional. 
I have never been in that situation before. I have never dealt with anything like this. I have had friends/coworkers go thru similar situations and I have tried to sympathize with them, almost picturing and feeling the pain and sorrow that they felt… but I had no idea until that moment yesterday, that I was no where close to realizing the dept of that sadness, of that worry.  I didn’t know- until I was in there place how they feel.
I am praying for my step mom. For my dad and for all of our family. I am praying that she can beat this. I am praying that all will be well. And I am praying for the strength for everyone to be able to handle anything and everything that may be “throw” at us in the upcoming hours/days/weeks/months.

God Bless
Overthinking Mama

Monday, October 4, 2010

A sitter.

I am in the process of trying to find a sitter for Baby Girl.  Normally my mom and my step-mom watch her for me on Tuesdays and Thursdays. My step-mom being the one to watch her most and my mom to watch her part of one day. My mom has a varied schedule from week to week. So I can’t rely on her to be off on a Tuesday and Thursday always.  
A few weeks ago, my step-mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. L And as much as she wants to continue to watch baby girl, sometimes it just may not be possible. So I need to find a sitter as a back up in case my step-mom can’t watch her and if my mom is working that day. Plus it will be nice to not have to worry about when Baby girl and Lil Man have days of school or whatnot- who’s gonna watch them??!!  

I have been looking in our local paper- and nothing. There were no sitters in there!! WTH! So I went on Craig’s list. I replied to two ads on there but I didn’t get any reply – why post if you are not going to reply?? Really?? Ggrr..  Down at our local convenient store, I saw a flyer for a sitter so I took the number and gave her a call last Thursday. Me and the kids went over and met her, her husband and their two kids. She seems really nice, the house was neat and clean, neighborhood was decent… but there was something.. I couldn’t put my finger on it.. But there was something about her and her husband.    
I guess a few things that bothered me about her…
~ She couldn’t remember my kid’s names.
~ She didn’t take any of my information- phone numbers nothing.
~ I asked her what her rates were, she said she would have to get back with me on that (I haven’t heard from her since- prob. Cuz she didn’t take down my number)
~ she left her 18mo old baby in the house while the rest of us were outside talking… now granted the child was in a high chair eating and I probably would have done the same thing for a couple minutes if I thought the child was able to be left alone- but if I am trying to “look good” for a family to let me watch their child.. I probably wouldn’t have done that…

Now.. even with those things above.. I could have seen myself being like ok.. she’s new at this… she was having an off day… but I dunno, there was still something…   So more than likely… my kids won’t be going there… plus I am not quite sure where I put her number either L

Why is it so hard to find a good sitter?

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Lil man did good.

In his class if u have a really good day in class, you get an introduction. Lil man did. I'm so proud.