Tuesday, April 14, 2009

My issues with trust

I have never denied the facts that I have a lot of issues.... especially when it comes to trust. But I am trying to do my best to overcome all my issues... realize that my issues are from my past and not my presant and I cant judge the present and the future on my past...

I am in a long distance (not that l/d) relationship with a great man. Honestly he's the best man I have ever dated so far. He has everything that I wanted in a man. He's grown. He's got a good job, his own car, his own place, his own credit, and his own future. I don't need to be his mama.  He is sweet and loving and so affectionate to me. He goes out of his way to see me every weekend. He texts me all day long. We talk every night. He told me he loves me... and he looks at me like he really means it.. its not just words.  He is a great guy.

But I am still nervous. I am afraid from time to time that he will cheat on me. There I said it. I am scared. And not really because of anything that he has done... but because of my past.  For the most part... I don't worry about it. But I do have my days/hours/moments where I get that knot in the pit of my tummy and start to worry... when it takes longer than normal for him to text back to me... when he dont answer when I call... when he goes to bed early.  Because I mean honestly... he could cheat on me... and how would I ever really know? (trust me... i would find out!) I try my hardest not to think like that... and I don't make it into a big deal. If its something that seriously bothers me... I talk to him about. I dont get psyco jealous... I dont calling non-stop... I dont yell and scream. 
Why am I worried you ask? Because of my past... 
The last 4 relationships I have been in... well.. lets do the last 5.
The last one. Ended in Nov. I dated my bff. We had been friends for 2years before hand. He is still one of my bffs. But about a week after we split up... he was dating someone new... someone he worked with. Now I have no proof that he cheated on me or that he would have if we had broke up... but the fact that he moved on so quickly, makes me wonder if he was talking to her before we split....
The one before him. Ended in Oct 08. Im pretty sure he cheated on me... The facts:
~ I found an empty box of condoms in his bag. His reason... they had been in there from before me and him...
~ I smell "female" on his lower regions... with out going into details... I know "female smell"... and it was on him where it didnt need to be...
~ He would normally text me the whole day while he was at work... then towards the end of our relationship he barely text me... since he was on my phone plan... I looked up his phone activity. He text his female coworker all day long... but not me. (he started dating her shortly after we split.. and they are still together)
And the one before that:
ugh. lol.
~ he was emailing his ex-gf and asking to come be with her
~ after we split he moved back in with his ex wife.
~ he wouldnt have sex with me more than once a week... if I was lucky
~ I literally had to beg him to come to bed and sleep (no sex) with me
~ he did the same thing to me that he did to his ex-wife.. he wasnt working when we met... he was still married.. when he got a job.. he left his wife... then we got together... he lost his job... 9months later he got a job and a few weeks later we split
And the one before him:
lol. well me and him were never "serious" and I knew what kinda man he was... he would call me from his bed and tell me that there was a hot woman in it...what should he do...  id tell him to either f her or tell her to leave...  so you can come to whatever conclusion you would like in regards to that relationship. but truth be told... i wasnt expecting him to be faithful to me.
And the finally... ME... and my exhusband.
So In a lot of ways... I feel what goes around comes around... tho I think by now Ive got my return karma! 

So because of all my past experiences... I have a lot of trust issues... and I am trying my hardest to overcome all of them and move on and not let them effect my current relationship. Its not fair to him or any future man (which I am kinda hoping this is it.. no future men) to prejudge him based on my past. Yes, my past will help me see the "red flags" but I have to remember that ever person is different... same as every relationship is going to be different...