Its been too long and I need to write. Need to get thoughts out of my head and hopefully clear it up a little bit.
But then I really don’t know what to write about either. I don’t want to write about all the struggles I am facing in life. I am tired of always writing about negativity.
One thing that has been on my mind a lot this past weekend was relationships and my life. The last serious relationship I had was over 2 years ago. He was a great man and we are still friends.
Since then I have talked with a few men, been on dates with a few men and been a “girlfriend” to a few men. I have learned one thing about myself tho, its getting harder and harder for me to let someone into my heart. Every time I do, every time I let someone into my heart, I get left and I get hurt.
Its to the point now, that I don’t even want to try. I don’t want to put the effort in. I am tired of it. I am at the point where I don’t even want to bother. I don’t want to go thru all the getting to know someone, letting someone know me, and for what??? Just so they can walk away as every one else has?? So they can judge me based on my past? So they can make me believe that I am someone special to them, just to throw it all back in my face and walk away like I am nothing?
And yet, my heart wants someone. Longs for someone to love. But I don’t think I will let my heart win anymore. I can’t do it.
I have lost myself somewhere in the past 2 years.
In just the last year, I have lost ME. Lost motivation. Lost drive. Lost the energy to do more than just go thru the motions of every day life. I need to find myself again. Find my motivation. I want to be happy again. I want to wake up in the morning and look forward to my day… to my life.
I don’t want my kids to remember me as a mom who just sat there.. I want them to remember me as fun and loving and the best mom ever.
They deserve better than what I am giving them right now. I deserve better too.
Blessings N Love